Jackie Chan- Bob Ho Amber Valletta- Gillian Madeline Carroll- Farren Will Shadley- Ian Alina Foley- Nora Magnus Scheving- Poldark George Lopez- Glaze Billy Ray Cyrus- Colton James Katherine Boecher- Creel
Directed by Brian Levant Screenplay by Jonathan Bernstein, James Greer, and Gregory Poirier, based on a story by Jonathan Bernstein and James Greer
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated PGfor sequences of action violence and some mild rude humor Runtime- 92 minutes
Jackie Chan's latest flick, the family comedy "The Spy Next Door," isn't a total failure in terms of is general entertainment value. Directed by Brian Levant, the movie never tries to be anything more than a goofy kids action movie, which is fine with me (I've never quite understood the animosity movie nerds tend to have for broad family comedies), but with Chan's star power and reputation you get the sense after about an hour that the movie could have, and probably should have, strived to be a tad more goofy and or sincere. For whatever reason, the movie decides to settle for watchable mediocrity. The movie is never boring or terrible, but, again, the movie never really lives up to its potential.
Chan stars as Bob Ho, a Chinese intelligence agent on loan to the CIA for some reason. His American cover is that of a boring, respectable pen importer/salesman living in the suburbs. Over his time in America, he's managed to strike up a romantic relationship with his neighbor Gillian (Amber Valletta). As things become more and more serious between the two Ho feels the need to spill the beans about what he really does but he can never find the right time or opportunity to do so (he takes her out to dinner, only to have to cut the date short because he has to go deal with a Russian bad guy called Poldark, as played by Magnus Scheving). Plus, Gillian, a single mother with three children (there's the hip and edgy tween Farren, as played by Madeline Carroll, the uber sci fi nerd that's always getting bullied in school Ian, as played by Will Shadley, and the four year old pink princess wannabe Nora as played by Alina Foley), isn't so sure a deeper relationship is a good, viable idea because her kids don't like him (they really don't know him, but that doesn't stop them from thinking that he's a weirdo. The man sells pens for God's sake, and he's conscientious about putting his garbage out every week at the same time). For Gillian, her kids come first.
After capturing Poldark and announcing his retirement from the spy game, Ho decides to make an effort to get to know Gillian's kids. He figures they'll eventually warm up to him once they get a chance to know him. He gets his big opportunity to do just that when Gillian has to go out of town and she leaves him to baby-sit Farren, Ian, and Nora. As you'd expect with this kind of set up, the kids, who are all incredibly precocious and obnoxious at the same time, don't take it easy on Bob Ho (basically, they don't listen to him. He's not their father so why should they? That kind of stuff). It also doesn't help that Ho has zero experience being a parent. So some wacky stuff happens as the kids try to get the upper hand on Bob Ho and he fights back (he eventually starts using his spy gear to help him keep an eye on all of them). To make matters worse, Poldark escapes from police custody, there's a chance there's a mole within the CIA unit that Ho worked with (a unit headed up by Agent Glaze, as played by George Lopez and including technohick Colton James as played by Billy Ray Cyrus), and a secret formula/weapon that can eat oil and that was developed by Poldark and the Russian bad guys is missing. All of the plot threads eventually come together and Ho finds himself having to protect his girlfriend's kids from diabolical Russian henchmen who will stop at nothing to get revenge for their boss and get back the missing secret formula (one of the kids Ho is protecting may have it), not to mention the CIA mole.
The direction by Levant is uninspired throughout. The action scenes are the only things that really pop, but that's mostly due to Chan's energy and still amazing athletic ability (there are plenty of Chan stunt doubles throughout, but we get to see enough of the real Chan to make us forget that he isn't doing everything we see his character doing). The scenes where the children argue and fight work well enough (the pointless sibling rivalry between Farren and Ian could have been its own movie). The scenes with the youngest child, Nora, could have been better (she has a few good lines but she's boring. The movie never really does anything with her need to be dressed like a pink princess, aside from a scene in a mall costume shop that isn't as funny as it seems to think it is). The worst scenes in the movie, though, surprisingly don't involve Billy Ray Cyrus, but the Russian bad guy Poldark and his henchmen. These scenes, which take place in some kind of barren hangar lab or something, are so limp and uninspired it makes you wonder why the movie even bothered with them. Scheving tries very hard to make Poldark menacing but he just looks like a sad buffoon most of the time (he never comes off as much of a threat because he's such a doofus). His henchmen come off as lame, too, because they have no personality (granted, henchmen usually don't have personalities because they're meant to be fodder for the hero's eventual heroic violence. All they really have to do is know how to die and not look like an idiot doing so. But in some movies the bad guy's henchmen do have small personalities and or distinguishing characteristics. This movie needed that). Levant did a pretty good job with the Ice Cube family comedy "Are We There Yet?" back in 2005, so it's pretty sad to see him go backwards to his 1996 effort, the horrendous Christmas comedy "Jingle All of the Way" starring Ahnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad.
I also want to complain about the opening titles sequence, which features action scenes from Chan's previous movies ("Rush Hour," among others) and uses the "Secret Agent Man" song by Johnny Rivers. It really doesn't make much sense because you don't know what it's meant to portray. And the "Secret Agent Man" song, while appropriate, isn't loud enough on the soundtrack. The song should be pumping and thumping, it shouldn't be low and mundane. What the heck were you thinking, Levant?
Chan is his usual hard working, charismatic self as Bob Ho. He's clearly game for the movie's nonsense bits with the kids, and you can see that he's enjoying himself throughout, even in the slow parts. He's done better action scenes in his career, but the stuff he does here is pretty okay (the two best action scenes find Chan fighting a bad guy in a Chinese restaurant and fighting a bunch of different guys in a kitchen). He doesn't have much chemistry with Amber Valletta, though, but that's most likely because they don't spend enough time together on screen. There are some sparks between the two towards the end, but it would have been better if that kind of chemistry existed at the beginning of the movie.
Madeline Carroll and Will Shadley, as the sister brother Farren and Ian, again, have a good pointless sibling rivalry thing that could have been its own movie. Carroll's character has an interesting character history that would have played better with a better director. Ian's dialogue, at first, is a little annoying (he speaks like a super smart smart ass kid that you only see in movies like this one) but it eventually grows on you. All in all, their performances are okay.
George Lopez doesn't do a bad job, but I'm not all that thrilled with the way his character plays out. Billy Ray Cyrus can't act, but to his credit he doesn't even try here as the CIA technohick Colton James. The duster trench coat he wears is a bit much, though. And Katherine Boecher, as the female Russian henchperson Creel, is acting in a completely different movie than everyone else (it's like she's acting in a low budget direct-to-DVD action movie starring Wesley Snipes or some other actor that's always battling Russian bad guys). She just doesn't work.
Now, where did the pet pig go? There was a funny scene towards the beginning where one of the kids feeds the pig bacon, and then the pig pretty much disappears. Where did it go?
"The Spy Next Door" isn't going to blow you away. It may even annoy you if you're an old school Chan fan because he clearly isn't that guy in this movie. But, for a family comedy goofy action movie, you could do worse than see this. I wouldn't advise you to make a serious effort to see it, but if you've got nothing else to do, it's not a total waste of time. It's probably more of a DVD rental, though.
It's okay. It's not great. It's just kind of okay.
So what do we have here? Gratuitous opening titles montage featuring scenes from Jackie Chan movies, gratuitous Jackie Chan, gratuitous Jackie Chan wearing glasses, a pet pig, gratuitous bit where mother tells oldest daughter she can't wear a skirt to school because it's too short, gratuitous bit where Jackie Chan opens a secret passage with a pen, a bunch of laser based spy gadget stuff, a belt that can be used a sword, gratuitous Jackie Chan kung fu scenes, gratuitous Billy Ray Cyrus, gratuitous George Lopez, Jackie Chan rescuing a stranded cat, Popeye cartoons, gratuitous satellite redirection, pillow throwing, gratuitous pig eating bacon, gratuitous Jackie Chan as a babysitter, gratuitous Jackie Chan ruining breakfast, gratuitous Jackie Chan not knowing what Halloween is, a nasty stink bomb, gratuitous Jackie Chan throwing a kid into the air, a massive wedgie, garbage can attack, gratuitous Jackie Chan losing a kid in a mall, a spilled barrel of oil, spoon feeding a child sugar, gratuitous Chinese lullaby, gratuitous spy gadget parenting montage set to Blondie's "One Way or Another," a suspenders rope, cooking bacon with a lighter, cell phone shooting, ladder attack, gratuitous Jackie Chan taking kids to a Chinese restaurant, a kung fu Chinese restaurant fight, window smashing, turtle attack, a final fight that isn't a final fight but really a second to last fight, a ring saw, bike stunts, spaghetti to the face, plate attack, a frying pan beating, door to the face, TV to the head, and a happy ending, followed by outtakes.
Best lines: "Gillian, your son is a psycho!," "Mom! Mom! She needs to be medicated!," "That was fun. A good aerobic workout," "I've brought down dictators. How tough can three kids be?," "He's boring! He's a pen importer! He's a cyborg!," "My happiness counts, too," "I hate it when old people have feelings," "Ho. Bob Ho," "So, is this exciting or what?," "Oh, wow. Fashion Armageddon," "I'm gonna kill you! No, I'm going to kill you!," "Can your mommy do that?," "So what do you do all day? Nothing. I'm four," "Not fairy. Princess. Princess," "Yo, it's Ho," "I'm telling you, lying is a dangerous game," "Mind if I chill with you?," "Bob, you're getting too efficient. We're a half hour early," "Can you hold my turtle?," "It doesn't look like they have chicken tenders here," "I have two words for you, Larry. Thir teen," "Bob, I don't want to be a princess anymore. I want to be a cyborg," "Please don't go away. Who is going to sing me China songs?," "Is this the bad guy? I thought he'd be better dressed," "What is this? It's Halloween," "Mommy, that man can fly!," "Hey, Larry. Knock. Knock," and "I want Bob to be my Daddy."
The 411: "The Spy Next Door" is an okay kids movie, a family comedy that never tries to be anything more than that. It probably should have strived to be a little more than that, though. It needs to be more goofy. The movie is okay now, but it could have been so much better. Thank you, director Brian Levant, for making a mediocre yet watchable movie.
