Piranha 3D Review [2]

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.23.2010

Easily one of the greatest killer fish movies ever made.

Elisabeth Shue- Sheriff Julie Forester
Ving Rhames- Deputy Fallon
Steven R. McQueen- Jake Forester
Jerry O'Connell- Derrick Jones
Adam Scott- Novak
Jessica Szohr- Kelly
Kelly Brook- Danni
Riley Steele- Crystal
Ricardo Chavira- Sam
Dina Meyer- Paula
Paul Scheer- Andrew
Brooklyn Proulx- Laura Forester
Sage Ryan- Zane Forester
Cody Longo- Todd Dupree
Richard Dreyfuss- Matt Hooper
Christopher Lloyd- Mr. Goodman
Eli Roth- Wet T-shirt judge

Directed by Alexandre Aja
Screenplay by Peter Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg

Distributed by Dimension Films

Rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use
Runtime- 89 minutes

Website: http://piranha-3d.com/



"Piranha 3D," directed by Alexandre Aja, is a blast. It's the kind of balls-to-the-wall, take no prisoners, gory as hell horror flick that you just don't see get a major theatrical release anymore. It's a horror flick that isn't afraid to be a horror flick. It hasn't been edited down to lameness to achieve a "friendlier" PG-13 rating. It's chock full of blood and guts and copious amounts of female nudity and isn't ashamed about any of it. The 3D thing is a bit of a rip-off, but that's a minor quibble. "Piranha 3D" is simply awesome.

The flick is about a small Arizona resort town, Lake Victoria, that's attacked by an ancient race of long thought dead and gone piranha that show up after an underwater earthquake opens a hole in the lake floor, allowing the piranha to escape their underground home and wreak bloody havoc during Spring Break, the time of year when the town's population skyrockets and the Chamber of Commerce cums its pants over how much money the young Spring Break tourists spend. The flick really doesn't have a star. It's more of an ensemble thing with no one really taking top top billing.

It's got Elisabeth Shue as Julie Forester, single mom and the Sheriff of Lake Victoria, with the great Ving Rhames as her deputy Fallon. Steven R. McQueen is Forester's oldest kid Jake, who has a serious crush on hip and edgy babe Kelly (Jessica Szohr). When Spring Break rolls around every year Jake is forced to baby-sit his younger brother and sister (Laura and Zane Forester, as played by Brooklyn Proulx and Sage Ryan) because his Sheriff mother has to work serious overtime keeping the rowdy, drunk, and nearly naked college kids from destroying the town. Jake would love to get in on that action, especially when he finds out that Kelly is going to be at the lake to party and whatnot. Jerry O'Connell is Derrick Jones, a sleazebag video producer that's in town to film the Spring Break debauchery (he's sort of an amped up Joe Francis, the creator of "Girls Gone Wild"). The uber hot Kelly Brook and Riley Steele are Danni and Crystal, Jones' girlfriends (I don't know what else you call them. Professional strippers?). And there's Adam Scott, Ricardo Chavira, and the fabulous Dina Meyer as Novak, Sam, and Paula, scientists that show up to examine the lake after the earthquake.



The movie also features great extended cameos by Richard Dreyfuss, riffing on his character Matt Hooper from "Jaws," noted horror director Eli Roth as a judge at a wet T-shirt contest, and Christopher Lloyd as Mr. Goodman, a local fish expert that helps explain what the hell the piranhas are. Is Lloyd riffing on Doc Brown here or what?



The movie moves along at a breakneck pace, wasting absolutely no time getting the plot started. It would have been nice if the movie had devoted a few more minutes to the characters, like the scientists examining the aftermath of the underwater earthquake (Dina Meyer doesn't get to do much. We don't even get to see her in a full on bikini. We do get to see her in her bikini top for a few fleeting seconds, though. I guess that's a plus. Maybe we'll get to see more in the eventual unrated DVD). But what the movie lacks in little character moments its makes up for it with hot babes in bikinis, some of them sans those bikinis, and gore. The piranha monsters in this are unrelenting death machines with big, sharp teeth, and when they attack in a swarm the result is almost always bad (for the victim, that is). The piranha are all CGI, which actually looks pretty decent. The piranha look just ugly and nasty enough to make you forget about some of the cartoony aspects of the killer fish. And the various practical gore effects, created by the fine folks at KNB, are simply excellent. Check out the chewed up legs, the many, many chewed up bodies, a great decapitation by boat, and an insane scene involving a woman with long hair getting said long hair stuck in a boat's propeller. And if I'm not mistaken, the "N" in KNB, Greg Nicotero, has a quick cameo in the flick's main massacre scene, carrying a chewed up half body on his back while running out of the water. If that isn't Nicotero he's got quite the doppelganger.



The performances are more or less great throughout. Shue does her usual outstanding job as the Sheriff. She makes the action hero stuff look easy (why doesn't she do more of these kinds of movies? She was fabulous in Paul Verhoeven's "Hollow Man"). Rhames does a solid job as Shue's deputy (he seems to be specializing in small B-movie parts lately. What's the deal with that?). O'Connell puts in the flick's stand out performance as professional sleazebag Jones. He is such a loud mouth douchebag that you can't wait to see him get slaughtered by the piranhas (and that's not really a spoiler. You know it's going to happen as soon as you see him). He's also pretty funny. Oh, and what's the deal with the Speedo? Is that what Jerry likes to wear or is that Aja signaling to us just how big a fucking douchebag Jones is? Adam Scott is good as the lead scientist Novak. Ricardo Chavira, Carlos of "Desperate Housewives" fame, gets about the same amount of screen time as Dina Meyer, but he does a good job with what he gets (I imagine that his screen time will increase in the unrated extended DVD). The young Forester kids, as played by Brooklyn Proulx and Sage Ryan, are some of the best kid characters in recent movie history (they're not annoying at all).

Steven R. McQueen is pretty decent as Jake. He's kind of annoying at first with all of his goddamn whining, but when he finally gets over his personal fear and starts making an actual play for Jessica Szohr's Kelly he becomes less annoying. And Jessica Szohr is a good "good" girl for Jake to chase after. I could have done without the vomit scene, though.

Now, like I said in the intro, the 3D in "Piranha 3D" is a bit of rip-off. There are a few moments where the 3D stuff looks good (the "penis" scene is a good example of when the 3D works) but for the most part it's all blurry and confusing. Does the movie really need the extra added gimmick of 3D? I don't think it does. Of course, my Real 3D glasses could have been defective and that could be why stuff was blurry. Am I the only one this happened to?

The 3D scam aside, "Piranha 3D" is definitely worth seeing. It's a fun time at the movies. And hopefully, the sequel the ending suggests happens. I know I sure as hell want to see that movie.

So go and see "Piranha 3D." See it, see it, see it.



So what do we have here? Gratuitous Richard Dreyfuss, gratuitous Richard Dreyfuss drinking the same beer he drank in "Jaws," a floating beer bottle, scorpions, underwater lawn chairs, a giant whirlpool, a fucking cool piranha attack, a scary bloody hand, gratuitous montage of hot babes in bikinis, gratuitous Ving Rhames, a douchebag of a moped, gratuitous Elisabeth Shue, taser attack, gratuitous asshole named "Todd," flying cold beverage, some nice scrunched British boobs, gratuitous Jerry O'Connell, a Ramons poster, a rickety bridge, a very cool decayed body, a cliff diver, a "$20.00 deception charge," gratuitous Dina Meyer, gratuitous Ricardo Chavira, a titty motorboat, skinny dipping, gratuitous hot naked chicks engaging in underwater lesbian erotic gymnastics, gratuitous piranha POV, a garbage filled lake, a piranha in an egg, a piranha swarm, another very cool chewed up dead body, licking tequila off a hot chick's body, gratuitous Jerry O'Connell wearing a Speedo, 3D barfing, gratuitous Christopher Lloyd, naked parachute waterskiing, gratuitous Jerry O’Connell doing cocaine, puking into a toilet, a legless, topless corpse, gratuitous Eli Roth, a guy in a boat telling people to read the Bible, choking, a massive piranha attack with plenty of blood and gore, gratuitous girl that gets cut in half by a flying cable, gratuitous guy on a jet ski with a shotgun, a hilarious decapitation by boat, electrocution, a hilarious bit where a guy in a small boat runs people over in a panic, a great bit where a woman with long hair gets her hair stuck in a boat propeller with a face off, serious leg eating, 3D penis eating, gratuitous Greg Nicotero, gratuitous boat engine attack, an exploding boat, and an ending that suggests a possible sequel.

Best lines: "It's not tan, it's beige," "You boys take one more step you'll be pissing lightning bolts into next week," "Hey, asswipe, cool shirt!," "Mister, you talk funny. Yeah, well, you're short," "No, fuck the waiver! You sign the waiver!," "You feeling like a skinny dip?," "Are you into girls?," "I should have brought my trombone," "Check it out, it's like fish with boobies," "Put your ass on the glass!," "Something bit me!," "Kelly, trust us, it's not cheating if it's with a chick," "Excuse me, but is that a fucking piranha?," "Wow, the water is just so clear," "Get the fuck out of the water!," "They took my penis! They took my penis!," "Swallow this motherfuckers!," "Wet T-shirt. Wet T-shirt," and "I thought dynamite fishing was illegal in this state, Sheriff."

The 411: "Piranha 3D" is an awesome movie going experience. The 3D part of it is a ripoff, but the rest of it is nothing short of great. Great performances, great gore, and great bits of nudity make for a movie you just have to see. So go and see it now. Or later today. Or tonight. Whenever you're free. Just see it soon.

Final Score:  8.0   [ Very Good ]