Tristan & Isolde Review
Posted by Jacob Ziegler on 01.16.2006
Nothing like Evanescence to sell a film set in the Dark Ages...
TRISTAN & ISOLDE
January 13, 2006
Tristan: James Franco
Isolde: Sophia Myles
Marke: Rufus Sewell
Paramount Pictures presents a film directed by Kevin Reynolds. It was written by Dean Georgaris. The running time is 125 minutes. It is rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences and some sexuality.
BY JACOB ZIEGLER
Remember when you were younger, and when you'd make a face, your mother or someone else would warn you that it might stay that way? That must have been what happened to James Franco, who sulks around for the two hour plus running time of "Tristan & Isolde" with a permanent look of deep sorrow on his face.
Unfortunately, that is the least of my problems with this film, which could be as bad as any I see in the year 2006. I hope I haven't just jinxed myself, but this alleged historical epic is practically unbearable to watch. Its palette is colorless, its script is brainless, its acting is emotionless, and the battle scenes are guileless. It moves along at a snail's pace, with insipid dialogue accompanying a love story that no one could possibly care about. It's hard to believe movies this bad get made, but here is the proof for all to see.
Franco plays Tristan, an English Knight who lost his parents at a very young age. He was thus raised by Lord Marke (Rufus Sewell of "Dark City"), who lost his family in the same Irish raid that Tristan lost his parents at. Marke and Tristan dream of unifying England and defeating the Irish, though they are met with resistance from some of the other Lords.
After an early battle, Tristan is believed to be dead and is shipped out to sea. It's a good thing they didn't bury him, because he turns out to be alive when he washes up on the Irish shore. He is discovered by Isolde (Sophia Myles, not Portia de Rossi, as I have heard many people say), who is of the royal family. Of course, since they are from separate feuding countries, Isolde doesn't reveal who she is, since she knows it will only cause trouble. The trailer indicates that this will of course cause trouble, and that is basically the plot of the film.
The plot thickens though when Isolde is offered up as a prize to the winner of a tournament between representatives from all the tribes of England. Tristan enters on Marke's behalf, but he doesn't realize that his true love is the prize.
When Tristan learns just who Isolde is, two things happen repeatedly throughout the rest of the movie. He either walks around with a sorry, hangdog expression on his face, or has sex with Isolde, at which time both can freely express themselves. The depth of their conversation is exemplified by the following post-coital exchange: "How do you feel," Tristan asks. "I don't know," Isolde replies. These are supposed to be adults at the height of passion for each other, not two sixteen-year-old boys playing grab ass in the shower.
"Tristan & Isolde" was initially shot in 2003, and has been on the shelf for over two years, and quite frankly I can't believe they even released it in the shape it's in now. The writing is foul, the acting is atrocious, and the directing is nearly incompetent. This is a shallow film about very little and is destined to be one of the worst movies of 2006.
The 411: James Franco, Sophia Myles, and Rufus Sewell star in a laughable embarrassment of a romance. The entire film is an insipid mess from start to finish. I understand that this was a labor of love of sorts for executive producers Ridley Scott and Tony Scott, but no amount of love could save this train wreck.
