The Pink Panther Review [2]
Posted by Matthew Craggs on 02.14.2006
Theatres should give away mints with ticket purchase to help get the bad taste out of our mouths.
Starring Steve Martin, Kevin Kline, Jean Reno, Emily Mortimer, Beyonce Knowles, Kristin Chenoweth. Written by Len Blum and Steve Martin. Based on the Pink Panther films of Blake Edwards. Directed by Shawn Levy. Running time: 92 minutes. Rated PG for occasional crude and suggestive humor and language.
Before the iconic Pink Panther cartoon dances across the screen for the main titles of the The Pink Panther, Kevin Kline as Inspector Dreyfus discussing the work of legendary Inspector Clouseau and fills us in on the mystery Steve Martin as Clouseau
will be solving: A French soccer coach and owner of the infamous Pink Panther diamond, Yves Glaunt (Jason Statham), has been murdered.
Dreyfus concocts a plan to assign the most incompetent police officer in France to the case as a decoy, and there is no-one as incompetent as Jacques Clouseau. This enables Dreyfus to work in secret while, and when he pops up out of nowhere with the killer he is assured of an award that has eluded him for years.
Dreyfus assigns snitch Ponton (Jean Reno) to keep an eye on Clouseau. Ponton does what he can to keep Clouseau under control, including a scene where he fights off three thugs while Clouseau flails his arms about like a giant goof.
The initial suspect is Xania, girlfriend of Yves, an international pop star played by international pop star Beyonce Knowles. Great choice, Beyonce. Nothing will get you noticed as an actress better than playing yourself. Her only interest in the film is as a vehicle for her music career (she sings a ditty in the final moments of the picture and a new tune plays over the credits) because she is uninspired in the role. It's like MGM had a contest for a walk on part in the film, Beyonce won the part, and then they decided to give her more airtime.
Then again, we can't blame little Miss Destiny's Child because the rest of the cast follows her lead. The wonderful Jean Reno looks like he doesn't want to be there, the wonderful Steve Martin acts like he's trying to humour an infant, and Kevin Kline… well, I never liked Kevin Kline. The only bright spots are Emily Mortimer, fresh off of Match Point, as Nicole the goofy assistant (who other characters mistake for having sex with Clouseau twice, har har) and a cameo from Clive Owen as 006. Nothing is more telling than the way in which I spent an hour talking about great Clive Owen performances after the film, instead of the film itself.
Then again, we can't blame the entire cast because they don't have much to work with. Gags include a giant globe knocking over a bicyclist, an egg knocking over the same bicyclist, Clouseau opening a car door and a bicyclist running into it, a pair of fried testicles, a finger getting caught in the door, Clouseau playing "good cop/bad cop" by himself, about twenty minutes based around mispronouncing "hamburger" and allusions to Clouseau's obsession with the internet.
Then again, we can't really blame the writing because a goof is what Clouseau is. Peter Sellers did the character to perfection, only a bit more deadpan. The jokes are weak but if Sellers were alive he could probably pull it off. So why does this Pink Panther fall so incredibly flat? A little bit of all of the above. If lame gags were the only problem The Pink Panther would have worked. But there are so many little things that they snowball into a big thing, and the film starts showing its true colours. It is a pointless Hollywood remake that got greenlighted because the history of the franchise all but guaranteed the picture would make its money back.
I will mention, though, that when I saw the picture the theatre was packed with children under twelve and women over seventy. They ate the picture up. I am a twenty-something who loves Sellers as the Clouseau character, owns a Steve Martin record, and always checks in on SNL repeats at 1AM to see if it's a Steve Martin episode, and I couldn't wait for the picture to be over. It's safe to say that your demographic may just tell you more about rather or not you'll enjoy Pink Panther 2006 than any review ever could.
The 411: Pink Panther is a boring, uninspired, and sort of embarrassing picture with a decent cast that, judging by the way they walk through the story, know better. The bright spot is a very funny and appropriate sequence featuring Clive Owen.
