Would you take directions from Marvin the airport janitor from "Diehard 2," out in the desert, in the middle of nowhere? Yeah. Exactly.
"The Hills Have Eyes" Review
Ted Levine- Bob Carter
Aaron Stanford- Doug Bukowski
Kathleen Quinlan- Ethel Carter
Vinessa Shaw- Lynne Bukowski
Emilie de Ravin- Brenda Carter
Dan Byrd- Bobby Carter
Robert Joy- Lizard
Michael Bailey Smith- Pluto
Billy Drago- Jupiter
Ezra Buzzington- Goggle
Tom Bower- Gas Station Owner
Desmond Askew- Big Brain
Laura Ortiz- Ruby
Directed by Alexandre Aja
Screenplay by Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur, based on the 1977 screenplay by Wes Craven
Distributed by Fox Searchlight Pictures
Rated R for strong gruesome violence and terror throughout, and for language
Runtime- 107 minutes
Website: http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/thehillshaveeyes/
Alexandre Aja's latest flick, "The Hills Have Eyes," a remake of the 1977 movie of the same name by perennially pretentious but damn good director Wes Craven, starts out on a rather annoying note. The first thing we see is an opening text detailing how the U.S government tested nuclear bombs in New Mexico and then denied, still to this day, that the massive doses of radiation dispersed from the explosions were not responsible for genetic mutations in the area. We then go out to the New Mexican desert and see four scientists/technicians/guys in white contamination/biohazard suits checking the area with Geiger counters and other sophisticated instruments. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a huge creature with a pick axe appears and lays waste to the all of them. Blood flies, grunts and moans are heard, and four headless bodies are dragged away chained to the bumper of a jeep. We then segue way into a very hip and edgy (not to mention complete rip off Zach Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead" remake) opening titles sequence featuring stock footage of buildings getting blown away by gargantuan nuclear blasts intercut with pseudo freak show photos of people with giant heads, odd faces, and, well, mutations. While the opening slaughter is thrilling, kind of cool (who doesn't want to see biohazard guys get axed in the face) it doesn't inspire much confidence. We're doing the video music quick cut thing again. And after witnessing Aja's horrendously disappointing "High Tension," this reviewer thought here we go again. Ted Levine is probably going to be secretly living a double life, the head of his "normal" family and the patriarch of the two headed slime mutants living in the hills, but we're not going to find that out until the end when Ted reveals that he has a hidden mouth on the top of his head and he brought the normal family out to the desert to get butchered because he was tired of living that double life and had to decide which family he wanted to stay with or something. It's gonna happen. A completely ridiculous and unnecessary "twist" ending that they can use as an exciting blurb in the New York Times advertisement because they know someone out there in reviewer land is going to "praise" it. Surprisingly, besides the opening two bits, a botched bit in the middle of the flick involving a burning man (the initial special effect feels out of place) and a lame "stinger" at the end, Aja managed to create quite the horror movie. It's actually good and gory, full of bizarre atmosphere and scary bad guys that aren't the least bit sympathetic or nice. You wouldn't want to run into them in the desert.
When the nonsense ends and the flick proper starts we go out to the middle of nowhere and a gas station, the only gas station for two hundred miles both ways, run by Tom Bower, "Marvin" the airport janitor from "Diehard 2." He's out there, alone, running things. He hears something, grabs his big butt shotgun and goes searching. He finds a rip in the nearby nuclear radiation test site fence and goes looking in the badlands. You get the feeling that he knows exactly who or what he's looking for and keeps mumbling to himself that he doesn't want to "do it" anymore, that he's finished (finished with what we're not sure). He goes back to the station and finds a duffle bag on the porch. This really upsets him. Again, he doesn't want to be a part of it anymore. For whatever reason Tom picks the bag up and takes it inside. He puts his glasses on and starts cleaning out the bag. The bag is filled with jewelry, wallets, and a Styrofoam box filled with two human ears. Ooooh. Scary. And gross.
The service bell rings.
Tom looks out at the pumps.
Customers.
Enter the Carter family. We have "Big" Bob Carter and his wife Ethel (Ted Levine playing Leland Stottlemeyer with a huge family and Kathleen Quinlan playing an older white woman), the teenage children Brenda and Bobby (Emilie de Ravin as a gratuitous flip flop wearer and Dan Byrd as a surprisingly resourceful handgun user) and the oldest daughter, the now Lynne Bukowski and her liberal wimp college professor husband Doug (Vinessa Shaw and geekmeister Aaron Stanford) and their baby. They're out on vacation, driving to San Diego, detouring to the desert because, well, Big Bob wanted to see it. The family unit is fairly typical. There's banter among them all, the teens are teens, the parents are somewhat stodgy and protective, and the son in law is a useless faux man who can't live up to the "real American man" ideals of Big Bob but Lynne loves him anyway. The Carter family also has two dogs, "Beauty" and "Beast," who constantly run away. One dog manages to get inside Tom's office and Lynne goes in to chase it. Tom walks in, gets suspicious that she may have seen the wallet and ear bag, and decides to tell the family about a "shortcut." Big Bob takes Tom's advice and takes the shortcut. We all know that taking a shortcut in horror movies is never a good idea, but the Carter family doesn't know they're in one (thank God. Like we need more of those freaking movies). Oh yeah. They go on the shortcut for a few miles and whamo! All four tires explode and the Carter family truckster slams into a huge rock. Big Bob can't fix the truck, so he enlists the help of Doug and his son Bobby to keep the family safe while Big Bob and Doug go for help. Doug looks for the highway, Big Bob straps on his .44 magnum and starts back towards the gas station. Meanwhile, at the makeshift camp, one of the dogs goes running off. Bobby goes to chase it. And this is where things start to get bad. The family unit is split, and the mysterious monsters in the hills are, well, hungry. What happens next? Will Big Bob make it back to the gas station and get help? Will Doug start acting like a "real" man? Is he going to be able to step up to the plate and start swinging if need be? Will the digs survive? Will Brenda put shoes on?
The mutants that eventually show up are, shall we say (this reviewer already said what they were) real bad guys. There's Robert Joy as Lizard, the mutant team leader. It's like his make-up from "Land of the Dead" melted, slid down to his chin, and then froze. A real scumbag who has the great line "A baby. Nice, fat, and juicy." Then there's Michael Bailey Smith as Pluto, sort of an angry "Sloth" from "The Goonies" who also likes to eat people. Then there's Billy Drago as Jupiter, playing the black trench coat homeless psycho mutant who really, really, really likes intestines. Ezra Buzzington plays a smooth faced derby wearing mutant named "Goggle" who really, really, really doesn't like dogs, and Desmond Askew as Big Brain, the disabled mutant of the bunch. The only mutant that manages to evoke a splinter of sympathy (mostly because she's just a mutant, not necessarily a psycho killer monster) is Ruby, a red hoodie wearing little girl, as played by Laura Ortiz. If these guys don't get a horror movie "Scream Greats" poster, similar to the DVD cover of Rob Zombie's "The Devil's Rejects," it will be a crime. These are some dang good monsters, and we need more like them.
The regular family cast does a great job throughout. We're not given much more than little snippets of their personality, but we don't need much more than we get to feel for them when the bullhooey hits the ceiling fan. If they don't get a poster, too, well, that'll just be stupid.
There's a bit of "politics" in the movie, too, which will probably lead to all kinds of lame discussions on what the movie "means" (this reviewer would like to suggest a better discussion would be on whether or not this movie is straight up horror or more of a science fiction horror story since so much time is spent "discussing" the effects of nuclear radiation and nuclear testing). Big Bob is the uber Republican, Doug is the ultra leftist homosexual, Ethel is the reformed hippie and now devoted Laura Bush type, Lynne is Gloria Stivic, and Brenda and Bobby are the kids that don't necessarily get politics, don't pay attention to it, but are probably solid Republicans because that is the way they were raised (Brenda is like one of the Bush twins and Bobby is like a serious version of Stan Smith's son on "American Dad"). American flags are everywhere, both as symbols of the "reprehensible" nuclear test days and as the current feel good "we can really save the world this time because we're not as stupid as we used to be" America. There will probably be some talk of all that, and Wes Craven is on record as saying something to the effect that this flick, like the rest of the 70's horror classic remakes, are a response to the ultra conservative social mores that the rightwing machine has tried to (somewhat successfully) place on American society. But that analysis would have more weight if the flick ended with the hip and edgy nuclear test stock footage hooey instead of opening with it. So for everyone looking at the "politics" of the story, as yourself if you even remembered that stuff at the end. This reviewer is willing to bet you didn't.
And so Alexandre Aja's "The Hills Have Eyes" remake is a step in the right direction for both horror remakes and horror movies in general. Use some gusto, stop with all of the music video bullstuff, bring the blood, and throw in a shotgun blast to the face, full on, so we can all see it. That's how you make a horror movie. Just keep the cute inside hooey to yourself. Come back in ten years, when we have enough in the way of "new" movies, to talk about.
Definitely go see it. It's pretty dang good.
The 411: “The Hills Have Eyes” remake is an almost perfect horror flick about a family in the middle of the desert being chased by psycho killer cannibal mutants. If it weren’t for all of the cute nonsense we get at the beginning, we’d have a perfect treat. The bulk of the movie, though, is dang good, and is something all horror movies should strive for. Be brutal, be scary, be atmospheric, and, if it starts to get slow, sick a dog on a guy in a wheelchair and ram an axe into someone’s face.
