Warped News 07.20.06: The Icy Hot Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 07.20.2006
Where Joel Seigel is the donkey show…
Once again, I bid you greetings for another Thursday worth of Hollywood news and bosom-heaving pics. If you missed last week's edition, you missed my retirement announcement. This is my second-to-last edition of the Warped News…ever. Next week, I'll give my final address to you. I don't even know if it'll have hot pictures in it, so just prepare yourselves.
NFL training camp is ready to get into full swing. This means my beloved Chiefs are ready to entice me with possible Super Bowl contention, only to have my hopes dashed into the rocks of shame yet again. However, there's always hope that this year will be the one. Hey, even Red Sox fans got a reprieve. It's time for us Chiefs fans to get a little love from the football gods.
But enough of teasing us with Ty Law and virtual gold watches. It's time for another edition of your Thursday news source for the sleaze and tease of the Hollywood jet-set. But before we do, let's kick it off right. I've got three words for you: Icy Hot Stuntaz!
Are you ready to hug it out?
The Savior of Star Trek?
According to Studio Briefing, writer/director J.J. Abrams, who co-created ABC's "Lost" and went on to direct Mission: Impossible 3, has signed separate deals with Paramount Pictures and Warner Bros. TV that together are worth more than $55 million. The two deals make Abrams, in the words of the Los Angeles Times, "one of the entertainment industry's most highly paid auteurs." Auteur? That's an overused word.
Peter Roth, president of Warner Bros. TV, told the Times that "an opportunity presented itself" to woo Abrams away from Disney "and we went for it." Paramount Pictures Chairman Brad Grey added that he believes Abrams will become "the next Steven Spielberg" and called him "a triple threat: a great writer, producer and now, a first-class movie director." His first assignment for Paramount is to revive the Star Trek franchise, but don't bank on it. Abrams is a great writer, but if he can't get away from Rick Berman, then all bets are off.
I wonder how this will affect his relationship with "Lost"? Will he still be able to write and produce for the show if he has deals with Warner and Paramount? Will these commitments interfere with his work on the show? I'm just now getting into "Lost." Granted, I've only watched two shows, but they were pretty amazing.
B-O-O-Z-E. It cures all ills and heals all wounds.
According to IMDB.com, Matthew McConaughey was given a very special job at the ESPY Awards in Hollywood on last Wednesday night - be Lance Armstrong's personal bartender. The two Texans have become firm friends and retired cyclist Armstrong often stays with the star when he's in Los Angeles. The two have even started training together.
And, to thank him for all his cycling tips, McConaughey agreed to make margaritas for Armstrong backstage so the Tour De France champ could calm his nerves during the sports awards ceremony. Armstrong says, "He said, 'What do you need from me?' I said, 'I need you there at 5:30, making 'ritas.' He said, 'I'll be there.'"
Armstrong, who claimed the night's Athlete Of The Year honor for the fourth time, was surprised by another famous pal when Will Ferrell took to the stage for an unannounced musical tribute to the cycling hero.
If I ever hosted an awards show, I'd demand a personal bartender to tend to my beverage needs. Diver Downs and keep it flowing! It's not easy hosting an awards show…especially one as boring and unnecessary as the ESPYs. Maybe Lance can host the MTV Video Music Awards next year. It's still lame, but at least he could get some scattered ass while he's there.
Why didn't they just take her first born while they were at it?
Studio Briefing reports that the long-expected axe fell at the Walt Disney Co. Tuesday, with roughly 650 employees -- or about one in five employees -- receiving pink slips, half in domestic operations, half overseas.
Among those caught in the purge was Nina Jacobson, president of Buena Vista Motion Picture Group, the studio's top decision maker for live-action films. She will be replaced by Oren Aviv, who, as part of a company-wide reorganization, has been named president of production of Walt Disney Pictures. The firing of Jacobson stunned Hollywood, coming as it does just months after her contract with the studio was extended three more years and slightly more than a week after Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest became the biggest hit of the year.
Several reports mentioned that it also came on the same day that her partner gave birth to their third child. L.A. Weekly's Nikki Finke reported Tuesday that Jacobson had called Walt Disney Studios Chairman Dick Cook to share the news and was told in the same conversation that she had been fired. The Los Angeles Times reported that Cook offered her a production deal at the studio. However, Jacobson told the newspaper that she had declined, saying "I would rather start fresh with something new. ... I feel very sad to be leaving a job that I have loved." She added that she had always tried "to treat the job as a privilege, not an entitlement."
I'm sure I would just love to take an offer like that. "Hey, congrats on the little rugrat, but you're canned. However, if you want to make us a lot of money distributing your future movies, we'll give you a production deal." Cook knows how to woo a woman, doesn't he?
Well, this explains Natural Born Killers…
The New York Daily News writes that director Oliver Stone loves to get high. "I like ayahuasca," a hallucinogenic tea, said Stone, who's also spoken of his love of pot. "And I liked LSD, and I liked peyote." Why leave out shrooms or acid or sniffing turpentine?
Stone thinks tripping is so beneficial, he once spiked his father's wine with acid. There's the acid! The filmmaker tells Chris Heath in the new GQ magazine that he was just trying to help - like the time his father lent him one of his favorite French prostitutes for the young director's first sexual experience. It was left to his mother, he added, to teach him the delicate art of self-satisfaction. AHHHHHHHHHH! La, la, la, la, la, la, don't want to know about this…la, la, la, la, la, la.
So, the next time you see Oliver Stone just walking around with a camera and saying non-sensible gibberish, just know that that is just his usual state. It says everything you needed to know about Alexander. Then again, maybe he just did that one sober.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is JOEL SEIGEL.
The New York Post writes that Kevin Smith is a little hacked off at movie critic Joel Seigel, and for good reason. Smith reportedly wrote on his web site that the ABC critic departed rather noisily from a press screening of Clerks II. According to the newspaper's "Page Six" column, Siegel rose from his seat 40 minutes into the movie and declared, "Time to go! ... First movie I've walked out of in 30 [expletive] years." In the scene in question the characters discuss hiring a woman to have sex with a donkey. Siegel described it as "foul and mean and repulsive."
Smith responded on his website, attacking Siegel's use of puns in his reviews and adding, "How about a little common [expletive] courtesy? You never, never disrupt a movie, simply because you don't like it. Cardinal rule of moviegoing: Shut your [expletive] mouth while the movie's playing."
Now, some of you think I hate Kevin Smith. I don't. I think he's a very talented writer. I liked Clerks, Dogma and his runs on Daredevil and Green Arrow. I love how he writes dialogue. I just hated the rest of his films, and I think he's selling out his talent by making Clerks II and trying to revitalize "Clerks: The Animated Series." That's just me.
But he's dead right about Seigel. Mr. Lame-Ass High and Mighty has no right to announce his leaving like the King of England because he hates the content of the film. He gets paid to watch movies and report his opinions on them. If he hated the film, by all means, he SHOULD pan it. But he shouldn't think that his sh*t smells better than anyone else because he wouldn't laugh at a donkey show joke. Just sit, watch it and act professional.
I haven't seen the film. I may never see the film. So, I don't know anything about whether Clerks II is any good or not. But, if you hate it that much, leave. Just do it silently. Don't f**k up other people's night out just because you think you're God's gift to Film Critics. I managed to sit through Ultraviolet, probably the worst film made in 20 years, without getting up. I cracked a few (ok, several) jokes under my breath and cringed several (ok, very many) times…because these moments, however beautiful, are evil when they're done. What I didn't do is pan it out loud. Seigel just gave all critics a bad name.
Or, as Seigel would write in his stupid punned-filled style: "Seigel makes an ass out himself at a donkey show." For giving his royal review before anyone cared to hear it, Mr. Seigel is the:
Craftsman 1/2 in. x 100 ft. Air Hose and Reel, Heavy Duty
Sears item #00916398000 Mfr. model #16398
All-weather design is ideal for service centers, aircraft maintenance,
farm and ranch. All-steel construction with multi-position guide arm
for mounting on floor, wall, ceiling bench or in pit.
Maybe the swirl around the drain?
Studio Briefing reports that Target department stores have removed movies in the UMD format, playable only by Sony PlayStation Portable devices, from its shelves last week. In recent weeks, there have been reports that the cartridges have found few buyers. Some websites have suggested that Wal-Mart, the nation's largest home-video retailer, may be the next to clear out its UMD supply.
It was announced last week that Sony will begin shipping tiny memory sticks along with a conventional DVD containing four Sony movies, Hitch, S.W.A.T., The Grudge and XXX: State of the Union beginning next month. "This collaboration with Sony Pictures provides a quick, simple way to get a full-length movie onto Memory Stick media at no extra charge," Mike Kahn, senior manager at Sony for Memory Stick Media, said in a statement.
The Memory Stick can also be used in Sony's cameras, audio players, and other devices. Sony said that the 1GB Memory Stick will retail for $60; the 2 GB, for $100. But several analysts, questioning the "no extra charge" assertion, observed that Memory Sticks of the same size are currently retailing for less than half that amount in some outlets. They voiced skepticism that the new approach for providing movies on PSPs will be any more successful than the UMD route.
This is an interesting development. With Blu-ray and HD-DVD hitting store shelves, I was wondering what would happen with the PSP movies. I'm sure it's a combination of several things, including hi-def DVDs, Xbox 360, video ipods, the delay of the PS3 and overall luckluster sales for movies in general. However, this seems like a very odd way to distribute films. You're asking people to pay almost 100% more for a memory stick just to get a film. It sounds like the PSP is quickly becoming as important as my old monochrome Gameboy.
The End of Civilization As We Know It…aka Cory's Next Purchase
In my search for any PSP news, I came across this magic item. Gamespot reports that Majesco and Konami will be bringing Strawberry Shortcake Dance Dance Revolution to the States. This plug and play product combines the dance gameplay of Dance Dance Revolution with Strawberry Shortcake characters and music. Gee, how excited am I?
I dare you to set this as your wallpaper. Double-dog dare you!
Strawberry Shortcake Dance Dance Revolution lets players experience the "exciting" action (exciting being their words, not mine) of DDR with a Strawberry Shortcake twist. Featured characters include Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, Raspberry Torte, Lemon Meringue and Rainbow Sherbet dancing along with themed music such as "Straw-Buh-Buh-Buh-Buh-Berry Shortcake." Was it recorded by the Icy Hot Stuntaz?
I'd never thought I'd live to see the day that an item actually makes me wish for a sequel to Ultraviolet, just so I can go blind. What they really need to make is Jimmy Paige's double-neck Guitar Heroes. Now that would be quality entertainment.
You can't find this on Ebay…
The Associated Press writes that a Denver teen received get a little help from actress Jessica Biel. Those in attendance of a Denver fundraiser had a chance to win a date with Jessica Biel…for the right amount of money. The date was be auctioned off to help raise money for a teenager who lost her leg in a prom night limousine accident, Denver newspapers reported this week.
The event dubbed "Mollypalooza" to help Molly Bloom's family with medical expenses was scheduled for Tuesday at the Rock Island Club, organizers told The Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News. The News described the date as a lunch date. BOOOO!
In an audio message posted on the internet, Esquire's "The Sexiest Woman Alive" urges listeners to support the event and says: "I intend to submit a very special auction item as my contribution to the evening."
"Come on, it's Jessica Biel. What guy wouldn't want to win a date with her?" said Dmitri Lee Natali, 19, a friend and former classmate of Bloom. "My mom happened to be able to contact (Biel's) parents, and they had heard about Molly's tragedy. They said ‘yeah, I bet she'll do that."'
Biel, a Boulder native who is on location filming the movie Next, wasn't at the fundraiser.
Bloom was run over and dragged about 38 feet by a Hummer stretch limousine, police said. Limousine driver Stanley D. Sample, 38, faces a misdemeanor charge of careless driving resulting in serious bodily injury. She's undergoing rehabilitation at Denver Children's Hospital. Ouch!
How nice is it of Ms. Biel to give her time to some probably very horny fan to help raise money for a girl in need. Of course, with her recent breakup to actor Chris Evans, maybe she's just playing the field.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Off and On the Market Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
WENN reports that Jeri Ryan is engaged to her boyfriend, French chef Christopher Eme. The two are partners in Ortolan, an award-winning West Hollywood, California, restaurant where Eme is the head chef. The 38-year-old star announced her engagement while promoting her new TV series "Shark" at the Television Critics Association press tour in Pasadena, California.
Ryan revealed the details of the proposal saying, "He brought me home, covered my eyes and took me up to the bedroom. He had candles lit everywhere and champagne on ice. He had gotten this huge canvas and painted it with words that said in French 'And you come with me forever.'"
Despite the nauseating nuptials, it looks like Ryan is off the market for now. And for that, a farewell photo tribute:
But when one door closes, another one opens. CBS reports that Carmen Electra and her rocker husband, Dave Navarro, are "amicably separating," a rep for Electra confirmed to TheShowBuzz.com on Monday. Electra and Navarro tied the knot in November of 2003. Electra's rep, Jill Fritzo, would not comment further on the matter.
Star magazine reported in June that their relationship was on the rocks. "They've really been separate for some time now, but it looks like they're going to let it fester for a while before they finally call it quits," an unidentified source told Star at the time. "Since March, they've hardly been together at all," the insider said. "She's traveling all the time and doesn't even bother to tell him her schedule."
So, for a perpetual hottie needing someone for the rebound, a photo tribute:
Chad Webb has more movie news and that naked picture of Bea Arthur you've been looking for…really…over at The Big Screen Bulletin. She's not naked? O rly?
George H. Sirois takes a look at the first film I ever reviewed…Sneakers…in his latest Scene Anatomy 101. Cow mutilations are up…
Will Helm takes a look at Broken Lizard after they jumped the shark in his examination of the dreadful Dukes of Hazzard. It's his latest Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Finally, I don't think they're the originals. But there's nothing like a few white suburban teens rapping in their mini-vans with smoke bombs to make your day. I'm dizzown like a bizzatch to your new American Idol Champions...the redesigned Icy Hot Stuntaz! Word to your mother! No. I mean…really…someone needs to talk to their mothers. Props to the pyrotechnic crew and choreographer.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Clerks II: Should hold its own at the box office.
The Lady In the Water: In case you're wondering…there will be a twist at the end.
Monster House: Looks interesting.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend: If they scheduled it with the rest of these films, the studio knew it was going to suck.
Well, that wraps up the last full edition of the Warped News. Next week, I'll say goodbye, but it won't be much of a news column. Then again, when is it?
The Savior of Star Trek?
B-O-O-Z-E. It cures all ills and heals all wounds.
Why didn't they just take her first born while they were at it?
Well, this explains Natural Born Killers…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is JOEL SEIGEL. 
Maybe the swirl around the drain?
The End of Civilization As We Know It…aka Cory's Next Purchase
You can't find this on Ebay…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Off and On the Market Edition
Coming to a theatre near you…
