Stomp the Yard Review
Posted by Chad Webb on 01.25.2007
Stomp through this yard and you’ll step in fecal matter.
Columbus Short: DJ
Meagan Good: April
Ne-Yo: Rich Brown
Darrin Dewitt Henson: Grant
Brian J. White: Sylvester
Laz Alonso: Zeke
Valarie Pettiford: Jackie
Jermaine Williams: Noel
Allan Louis: Dr. Palmer
Harry J. Lennix: Nate
Directed By: Sylvain White
Release Date: January 12, 2007
Running Time: 115 minutes
Rated PG-13 for a scene of violence, some sexual material and language.
Be forewarned. This review of Stomp the Yard contains details that will put you up to your neck in spoilers, but if you, like me, already knew what would transpire simply by looking at a brief summary, you will read on. This is a no holds barred, or rather no plot points barred, take on a movie that is already #33 on the IMDB.com bottom 100 list. In all seriousness, I had to examine the entire story in order to suitably caution people to avoid this. Unfortunately, I may be too late as this wretched film has topped the box office for two weeks in a row. I want to be in the room when a group of friends or a family see the trailer for a film like this and decide to spend money and see it. If I was in the room, I would no doubt be taken away by the insane asylum truck for my crazy outburst of anger and yelling of telling those people they are crazy for even thinking of seeing it, let alone using cash out of their pockets. Stomp the Yard could easily maintain the top spot for worst movie of 2007 in 11 months. It is an insult to the intelligence of viewers, and an absolute disgrace that does not deserve to be labeled a “film.”
After enduring a bunch of bad previews, the plot starts off energetically with the first of one thousand more slow motion/flickering strobe light sequences. Two brothers and their buddies enter a dance club in which the guys on the floor act like members of a ruthless gang. They sneer, taunt, and yell as if fighting over separate sections of a city. DJ (Columbus Short) wants to challenge the home dance gang, but his brother Duron (Chris Brown) warns him about offending them on their own turf. To no one's shock, they stroll right onto the dance floor, and proceed in a dance battle of sorts. Of course, the brothers beat them effortlessly and are cheered as champions, while the home group looks ridiculous. They leave the club like war heroes, and in a dark and frightening alley way, those same home thugs, led by a wannabe gangster with a bald head, jump DJ, Duron and company. The skirmish starts as a Disney channel fist fight, but randomly for no reason, the bald dude pulls out a gun and shoots Duron dead. Our protagonist is clear now, and his attempt to shed tears is both dreadful, and laughable. DJ is arrested for contributing to this fight. This early scene of urban violence ranks with the most despicable in cinematic history. That’s right, someone is gunned down because of his dance moves. How pathetic can a script begin? Stomp the Yard shows how.
Months later, DJ has become a pitiable shell of his former self, and is sent to live with his aunt Jackie (Valerie Pettiford) and uncle Nate (Harry J. Lennix). He is ordered by his grumpy and mean uncle to help him with groundskeeping work while attending college at the horribly named Truth University. Still reeling after his brother’s death, he meets his roommate Rich (Ne-Yo). Unsurprisingly, Rich torments us because he is supposed to supply the comedy. Soon enough, DJ spots a beautiful girl named April (Meagan Good), and in case you were wondering, she is dating the man who will become DJ’s arch nemesis. His name is Grant (Darrin Dewitt Henson). He is undoubtedly the best dancer until DJ arrives. While chasing her like an ordinary stalker, DJ lands smack dab in the middle of some type of show where two fraternities have gathered to briefly engage in a step competition. DJ looks on as the groups face off. Apparently one has a snake as a mascot, and the other a wolf. Both frats pose with retarded hand gestures of their respective mascot. They even make snake hissing sounds. This “stepping” is amusing to DJ, who, after all, is a professional that need not associate with amateurs. Before long, DJ sees his crush smooching with Grant, one of the top dogs of red fraternity. We get a 2 second glimpse of campus life and the other frats at Truth University. The colors worn by these two frats are red and black. To prove I go the extra mile with my reviews, the proper Greek names are: Red = Mu Gamma Xi and Black = Theta Nu Theta. FYI, the Mu Gamma Xi’s have defeated the Theta Nu Theta’s for seven straight years in the big step competition.
Eventually, DJ catches up with April and proceeds to flirt with her. Every single time they talk, one can bet the bad boy Grant is close by. He confronts DJ on numerous occasions with harsh words. DJ decides to continue hunting her, and he discovers she is a tutor. He has no trouble landing her as a tutor with his quick thinking. She plays hard to get because of her boyfriend, but yet another cliché is dished out when we realize that Grant doesn’t treat her right. He is controlling and flirts with other women. DJ says she deserves better, and he will be the perfect man for her. Grant of course is the epitome of everything evil.
DJ joins some of his new college pals when they go to a dance club/party near the school. What are the odds that his dance rival Grant is at this very same event? DJ is still persistently trying to hook up with April. At the point when I was about to puke, DJ chooses this time to show off his mad skills, and put Grant in his place . Obviously he impresses the whole school. He immediately receives an offer from Zeke (Laz Alonso), president of the Mu Gamma Xi frat, to pledge with them. He declines and insults Zeke. The tutoring also continues, and he bets April that if he can answer any history question correctly, she must go out to lunch with him. He wins, and they end up exchanging an overdramatic and unoriginal kiss while slow dancing of all things. One of DJ's admirers begs Sylvester (Brian J. White), president of the Theta Nu Theta fraternity, to recruit DJ as help to win the dance contest. He is reluctant, but Sylvester meets with DJ and asks him to pledge. Our hero does not want any part of it, but after walking through a Historic Hall admiring all the famous people who were in fraternities, he begins pledging. In a matter of minutes he goes from hating the idea to loving it. I expected nothing less. The two frats have a confrontation to reveal their pledges. One president says “I’ll see you at the step competition”, and the other replies with “Yes you will.” This is riveting dialogue folks. I must now acknowledge the fact that most of the actors portraying students are well into their thirties in real life. It is obvious to everyone watching, and shame on the damn casting director for not even trying to get people that are close to resembling these easy parts.
So each clan commences their grueling practice sessions. They have access to extremely secret locations so no one discovers their moves. The Mu Gamma Xi’s simply rehearse under the bleachers. I guess the other geniuses didn’t notice that super hidden lair. A lackey of the Mu Gamma Xi’s spies on the Theta Nu Theta’s training and cunningly video tapes it in the rafters. This scene was made to reiterate that the Mu Gamma Xi’s are the villains. Those dirty cheaters! The Theta Nu Theta’s are having troubling gathering chemistry. DJ says it’s because of the old school dancing. He convinces Sylvester to use some newer material. I could not believe how utterly useless, lazy, and contemptible this turd of a story was progressing. Only the newborn babies in the audience were unaware of the onslaught of stupidity. Meanwhile, April has broken up with Grant because he didn’t know that her favorite color is green. If I were DJ, I would pick a chick that wasn’t high maintenance. Without haste, she runs to DJ’s room, and pounces on him like a jungle tiger. She wastes no time at all. I wish the girls who went to my college were that eager. Ok, guess who April’s father is? He is Dr. Palmer (Allan Louis), the university dean, and he does not approve of her dating this gardening boy. He predictably forbids her to spend time with him. It gets worse, trust me. During April’s first visit to DJ’s aunt and uncle’s house for dinner, she divulges that her mother has died. Make the pain stop…please! April also expresses the identity of her father. Note: DJ’s aunt and uncle exchange worrisome glances after this statement.
Grant then transforms into Sherlock Homes and investigates all the dirty laundary on his enemy DJ, and unearths that he is a criminal. It’s as easy as looking on the internet. I bet that sole incident of violence shows up at the top of the Google search engine. The school board and Dr. Palmer are slipped information by the Mu Gamma Xi’s disclosing that DJ fibbed on his application regarding his criminal history. The board suspends him until the end of the year. Oops, no step competition. Similar to a comic book villain, Dr. Palmer gives DJ an ultimatum that if he stops seeing April, he will be reinstated. He walks out, and then the provost spills DJ’s history to his daughter. She becomes upset with DJ for not spilling his guts sooner. DJ has hit rock bottom. Life really blows for him at this instant in our excruciating fable. When DJ’s aunt and uncle find out about his suspension, we are shocked to learn that his aunt and uncle are responsible for the cruel treatment. Remember those worrisome glances? It turns out that DJ’s aunt once dated Dr. Palmer, but dumped him for DJ’s uncle. Good God give me a break!! DJ’s aunt marches into the dean’s office and pleads with him to be nice and reinstate DJ. I was startled when DJ was cleared of any problems just in time to make the final performance for the Theta Nu Theta’s. Do you really want to know how it ends? Do you really care? If you have kept reading the whole way through, you deserve to know the conclusion at least.
Both groups do their over the top productions, and it ends up being a tie! Two strikes with the paddle for whoever didn’t see that coming! The result of this is a dance-off. So they go head to head like in West Side Story, and low and behold DJ and the Theta Nu Theta’s win when DJ uses one his brother’s moves. He stands on his elbow or something. Perhaps I would have been more impressed if it wasn’t shown during the millionth slow motion sequence. Everybody cheers, and it is a very happy ending. I then sprint out of the theater as if it’s Christmas morning to make sure I’m alive and have a pulse. Much to my dismay, the theater manager refused to give me my money back.
The acting is among the worst I have ever seen in my life. Columbus Short is a relatively new face in motion pictures, and if he has any sense, he will pursue other areas of interest. I sat through his unbearable performance in Save the Last Dance 2, and now I have reluctantly endured him again. He should not be acting. Period. Meagan Good is different. Besides the obvious Oscar nominated films she participated in like The Cookout, Roll Bounce, and Biker Boyz, she was in some decent films like Brick and Waist Deep. She must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed…like every day for this shoot. No one else is worth mentioning, but rest assured they are “college students” old enough to be grandparents.
It has been brought to my attention through emails that the sole priority and most important factor in these movies is the dancing. The viewers that were ecstatic over the moves in this loathsome story might think about getting out of the house once in awhile. Just like action movies have to exhibit more than just explosions, the dance films are required to put thought into other facets of the movie making experience, such as the screenplay, direction, and performances of the actors. I am of the opinion that music video veteran director Sylvain White failed to put that on a post-it note for himself. For those of you who do not know of the illustrious filmmaker behind the camera here, his other claim to fame is the Direct-to-DVD nightmare of I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. He must have lied during his interview when applying for this position. Had the executives that were thinking of hiring him actually opened their eyes and looked at the previous monstrosity he created, they surely would have alarmed Security to forcibly throw him out of the building….wouldn’t they? I guess not. I want to know who it was that gave him permission to make another film. We need to have a chat.
The biggest sin committed by this agonizing dud is when they toss out pictures of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. so that the audience instantly believes that the events in the film have merit. The screenplay has traveled a bumpy path. If one does their research, they will discover that the screenplay is based on an earlier version of another script. If that is not a bad sign, I ask you, what is? The final draft was written by Robert Adetuyi, who really shouldn’t quit his day job. Would it have been too much to explore the social processes and struggles of the college atmosphere? Back to the “stepping” for a second. So the guys jump, scream, bend, weave, spin, and any other such gyration you can think of to result in an egregious, arduous, and insufferable 2 hours of dull motions. Admittedly, one dancer hopped off the floor repeatedly on his back in the beginning, and that was kind of cool. I have given credit for that move in my final rating below. As I understand it, “stepping” is somewhat of a tradition in African American schools. That might be, but this movie still sucks the big one. A more pleasant experience for me would have been if someone “stomped” on my genitals.
The 411: Do I have to list all the previous bad films this rips off? Honestly, I don’t have the strength. I couldn’t stand this intolerable and lifeless bag of trash. The dance choreography was so exaggerated, cheesy, and desperate that none of the dancing raised any eyebrows even slightly. I swear you will find every known cliché in this movie, and enough platitudes to make you go bonkers. This is by far one of the worst offerings in many years. I am crossing my fingers for one of the upcoming releases to gain the number one spot. This doesn’t need a Razzie award. Stomp the Yard should have its own Razzie category created.
