I Know Who Killed Me Review
Posted by Tony Farinella on 07.30.2007
Lohan returns to the big screen as a stripper in I Know Who Killed Me.
It seems like only yesterday that I was walking out of Mean Girls and saying to my friend: "Wow. That movie totally surprised me. Lindsay is going to be a star." It was actually April 30th, 2004. I skipped my prom to attend Mean Girls on opening night. In all honesty, I had no date, but that's neither here nor there! After watching Mean Girls, I was blown away by Lindsay's performance. She was confident, sexy, talented, and a lot of fun to watch. Lindsay had it all. I couldn't wait to check out her next performance in a major film. Sadly, her next film was Herbie Fully Loaded. It was forgettable and a waste of time for Lohan. I honestly thought she had moved on from Disney films and was ready to show her growth as an actress. After Herbie Fully Loaded, she appeared in A Prairie Home Companion, which made my list of top ten films in 2006. Even so, the film featured a big cast and it wasn't really Lohan's film. She also appeared in Bobby, another great film with a big cast. Again, she wasn't the star. I thought was ready to be a leading lady in Hollywood. Don't make me mention Just My Luck. Please. I'm begging you. Lohan also starred alongside Jane Fonda in Georgia Rule, which Christy Lemire called Lindsay Lohan's Gigli. Ouch!
Now, we get Lindsay Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me. The film will forever be known as Lohan's DUI film. At first, it was known as the Lohan stripper film. I could talk forever about her legal issues, but what's the point? We know she needs help and needs it soon. For now, I'm going to focus on the actual film. Yes, there is a movie! Before you watch I Know Who Killed Me, you should go in with low, low expectations. I'm talking really, really low. If you think of the film as midnight fun, you'll have a great time. I laughed A LOT during this movie. I laughed more than you probably should when watching a horror movie. I Know Who Killed Me is trashy, silly, and a lot of fun. It's a B-movie in every sense of the word. If you treat it as such, you'll enjoy yourself. I know I did! If you expect the film to be scary or intense, you're going to be disappointed. If the film didn't have Lindsay Lohan in it, it would be straight-to-DVD in no time. Even with Lohan in the film, I don't expect the film to last long in theaters. It's probably going to be demolished by The Simpsons. For my money, they don't make em' like this anymore. They really don't. I sure wish they did. I Know Who Killed Me is too much fun for its own good.
We open up our film following Dakota Moss, played by everybody's favorite bad girl Lindsay Lohan. I actually clapped when her name came up in the opening credits. I figured she could use the support. Another gentlemen clapped along with me. I appreciated his support. During our clapping, a woman yelled at me: "Aw, hell naw." Sorry. Dakota spends her nights stripping at a seedy strip club while a bunch of horny old men oogle her. If this film came out in 1999, I would have been one happy camper. Because I'm 22-years-old and have a computer, it's only mildly arousing. Plus, director Chris Sivertson uses a lot of flashy camera tricks that take away from the sensual aspect of the stripping. It's like watching an MTV music video. Following Dakota's night at the strip club, we follow Aubrey Fleming (Lohan again), a shy college student with glasses. She's currently dating Jerrod, played by Brian Geraghty. He spends way too much time trying to get into Aubrey's pants. She shoots him down and tells him that he needs to learn a thing or two about the female anatomy. Ouch. She says that after he incorrectly points out the female anatomy in what I believe is either Science or Health class. I'm not exactly sure.
After she insults his knowledge of the female anatomy, we discover that a local girl was tortured and murdered. They think nothing of it until they discover that Aubrey is also missing after a football game. We then get to see Aubrey tied up and tortured by some weirdo in blue. He can best be described as a member of the Blue Man Group. He's covered in blue from head to toe. Not only that, his room is blue along with his torture weapons. As far as the torture scenes, Eli Roth should sue the filmmakers. Remember Josh's torture scene in Hostel? Lindsay's torture scenes are filmed in the same exact fashion. While the torture techniques are different in terms of violence, the camera movements are extremely similar. The only problem is that the filmmakers don't know when to pull back. It's not exactly exciting to see Lohan's fingers removed in such graphic fashion. I don't like the term "torture porn," but the scenes felt very obvious to me. After the torture scenes, Aubrey wakes up and realizes that she has no leg and no hand. I hate it when that happens. She also thinks she's Dakota. Just what the hell is going on? Her parents and local police are very confused by her stance. A therapist does his best to get through to her, but he's not very successful. Oh, did I mention that Lohan also gets a robotic arm and a robotic leg? Think of it as a combination of Robocop and T2.
I'd like to explain the rest of the film to you, but I'm still trying to figure it out. The film is full of plot holes and question marks. After an hour, I just gave up and decided to laugh at the movie. The film is directed with touches of Brian De Palma, David Fincher, and David Lynch. That's one crazy threesome. We also get tons of blue and tons of red. As far as the music of the film, it's loud and pounding. It's comically over-the-top. It adds to the 80's feel of the film. They really don't know when to pull back and when to relax with the soundtrack. The film also features some insanely funny lines that had me rolling in laughter. After Lohan loses her finger and is bleeding to death on a bus, she asks a local hoodlum why he didn't ask her what happened. He says: "People get cut. That's life." Well said, mate. The best line of the film comes from Lohan's mother in the film. She says to Lohan: "You're a kicker." Yeah, you don't even want to know. The film also features an owl and a possum for reasons that are never really explained. Sense and logic? Who needs that!! The screenwriter has little interest in tying everything together in a neat little package. He just tosses ideas out there for the hell of it.
As far as the acting, Lohan is actually pretty good in the film. When she's Dakota, she has an acid tongue and tons of sarcasm. She's bitchy, horny, and annoyed. I think THAT's the real Lohan in real life. Again, I'm just guessing here. She's also likable as the good girl Aubrey. She handles both roles very well. She's done it before in The Parent Trap and does it again here in I Know Who Killed Me. The only difference is this time she's much more graphic in her speech. After having sex with Jerrod as Dakota, she says to him: "Aubrey never fucked you like that, did she?" Wowzers! The rest of the cast is pretty dreadful. The villain of the film is extremely campy and silly. I wouldn't want him any other way! His facial reactions and grunts are priceless. Lohan's mother is played by Julia Ormond in a performance of sweetness and kindness. She's deeply disturbed by Dakota's sex life. She also pets a hairless cat. No, I'm not kidding. Lohan's dad is played by Neal McDonough, who is only a step above Michael Lohan, her real father. I'll always remember him as the cheesy villain in Walking Tall. I'll now remember him as the nerdy father in the Lohan stripper movie. He'll always have a place in my heart.
I'm always fascinated by films like I Know Who Killed Me. They achieve a certain level of campyness that is rarely seen these days in the cinema. You usually have to watch low budget thrillers on cable to find movies like I Know Who Killed Me. How and why this movie got into theaters is a mystery to me. That being said, I'm glad it did arrive in theaters. I haven't been this amused by a movie in a long time. The last time I was this was amused was during 2004's Suspect Zero. They're even more fun when they feature big name actors like Lohan. It adds a certain charm to the film. You have to enjoy a movie that doesn't even know it's funny. In I Know Who Killed Me, everyone is so earnest and sincere, even Lohan. While everyone was laughing at The Simpsons, a few of us were able to see something very surreal and unusual at the cinema. It's magnified because of Lohan's recent legal troubles. It was something special for all the wrong reasons. Even though I wasn't around for all of those campy 80's films with weird titles, I was able to see I Know Who Killed Me on opening night. For that reason, I'll smile when I go to bed tonight.
The 411: If you're looking for a scary movie, you're in the wrong place. If you're looking for a sexy movie with Lohan, you're in the wrong place. If you're looking for a serious thriller, you're in the wrong place. If you're looking for a campy movie with unintentional laughs, welcome aboard! You've come to the right place. My advice is to see this movie as soon as you can and with a couple of friends. You'll be glad you did. I know a lot of critics are going to be ashamed to give this film a positive review, but I've never been one to follow the trends. If I laughed and enjoyed myself at the movies, I feel like my money was well spent.
