In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale Review

Posted by Chad Webb on 01.19.2008

Uwe Boll’s sixth video game adaptation. Enter at your own risk.

Jason Statham: Farmer
Leelee Sobieski: Muriella
John Rhys-Davies: Merick
Ron Perlman: Norick
Claire Forlani: Solana
Kristanna Loken: Elora
Matthew Lillard: Duke Fallow
Brian J. White: Commander Tarish
Mike Dopud: General Backler
Ray Liotta: Gallian
Burt Reynolds: King Konreid
Directed By: Uwe Boll
Written By: Doug Taylor
Release Date: January 11, 2008
Running Time: 124 minutes







Rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences.

I never understood why people referred to Uwe Boll as the worst director in history. Sure, his movies are dreadful, but as if he was Ed Wood reincarnated, some of his offerings are agonizing in a funny way, not in the “I can’t stand one more minute of this” sense. Of course I have not seen everything on the Boll canon, but once you have been “Bolled” once in your life, you know what to expect in the future. His newest extravaganza, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is yet another foray at video game adaptations. Is this is an early frontrunner for worst film of 2008? Probably, but I was laughing hysterically the entire time.

The story focuses on Farmer (Jason Statham), who has a wife named Solana and a son. Solana is played by Claire Forlani. What a shame. Brandi Svenning has reduced herself to Uwe Boll. Get Kevin Smith on the phone. There is no turning back I’m afraid. Anyway, Farmer does not know who his parents are, but he was taken care of by Norick, a trusted friend. Ron Perlman, a.k.a. Hellboy himself, acts as Norick. He provides much of the one-liners, which induce laughter but mostly out of embarrassment. One day his village is attacked by the Krug, a race of evil mutant warriors. They kill his son, and kidnap his wife. The Krug soldiers are controlled by Gallian, a wicked sorcerer. Ray Liotta, who has reached a new low, is Gallian. Meanwhile, King Konreid and his nephew Duke Fallow are preparing to battle the Krug. King Konreid is the one and only Burt Reynolds, and Duke Fallow is….wait for it, Matthew Lillard. Lillard is the sole person in this movie that might cause hallucinations, vomiting, and sprinting out of the theater. Maddening is not a big enough word to describe him. Was this how convincing his acting was during high school plays? As for Burt Reynolds, one has to feel sorry for the old guy.

So Farmer, Norick, and Bastian set out to find Solana and seek revenge on the Krug and Gallian. By the way, Bastian is Will Sanderson, who resembles an overweight and blonde Matt Hardy. At one point he is taken prisoner and makes time to flirt and beg for nookie by saying “So, where are you from?” You have to see it to believe me. Sorry, I am veering off track now. The trio slides across rope bridges and wanders through Cedric forest where Elora (Kristanna Loken) and her clan of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon wannabes swing down from vines and such. They hate wars, yet volunteer to fight alongside Farmer later on. No one saw this coming…no one. At the same time, King Konreid has a sidekick magician dude named Merick, portrayed by John Rhys Davies (pissing off all Lord of the Rings fans). Merick apparently knows everything and can do anything. His daughter Muriella (Leelee Sobieski) has been under the influence of Gallian for some time. If I divulge any more I will have spilled too many beans for your liking. It does not take a rocket scientist to see where it goes.

Can I or should I actually judge the performances? No. I’ll just rant about random things. Claire Forlani reveals more cleavage than a flick on the Spice channel. No nudity though...damn. Listening to her cry is torturous and reminiscent of finger nails on a chalk board. Her attempting to fend off the villains atop a bell tower can be confused with parody scenes. Her heroic hubbie Farmer, Jason Statham, is the most skilled pig trainer and turnip harvester in history. He is a swordsman and knows martial arts. I usually don’t mind Statham, just his choice of roles. He is tolerable, but nowhere near as excruciatingly entertaining as the rest of the cast. His compadre Norick is quite the partner. He is a tough old rascal who never hides the fact that he is a walking cliché. Luckily Ron Perlman has Hellboy II on the way to overshadow this mistake.

Oh my. Matthew Lillard should be awarded an honorary Razzie. Duke Fallow is unfortunately on screen for a lot more time than anyone can handle. As you watch him, a sudden urge will sweep over you to grab a bat and bludgeon him beyond repair. I don’t want to break the law though. Burt Reynolds is a King who is dying of some disease, yet he looks healthy and spotless as if he just emerged from the make-up truck. He dies eventually, and his last lines “Wisdom is our hammer; goodness will be our nail.” Yes folks, that is a sample of the dialogue. Blame screenwriter Doug Taylor. We are told Ray Liotta’s character Gallian is a sorcerer. This is tough to swallow since he wears a sequined jacket with a distinctive collar, a scarf, and a pompadour. Maybe the costume trunks were switched at the last second as a nasty joke on Uwe Boll and Ray Liotta. Wait, that’s my disturbing dream. I can envision Boll’s advice now. “Mr. Liotta this is not Goodfellas. Laugh in the most cartoonish way possible. That is what moviegoers will enjoy. Scorsese knows nothing.”

Someone needs to explain to Leelee Sobieski that she is not an action star. As Muriella, she looks scared in her shiny silver armour that was evidently picked up from Toys R’ Us. I hope the money for her was good because this is incredibly humiliating. Statham has this boomerang he carries around with him. He can throw it perfectly so that it strikes whatever he targets within his own mind, and it comes back to his hand with ease. The battle sequences are a huge clusterfu**. I apologize for the profanity, but there really is no other term that fits. People die, swords are thrown, ninja men emerge as if from the wrong set, and the Krug launch their own men on fire as weapons. More stuff happens and the battle ends. There are a few moments that I need to discuss. Towards the end, the two sorcerers, Merick and Gallian, confront each other. Instead of crafting a cool one on one match, Boll elects to have the men stand motionless while dozens of computer generated swords clang together in mid air. This is so goofy I could hardly contain myself. Afterwards, Farmer finally reaches Gallian, to no one’s surprise, and that bastard Gallian unleashes his best ammunition on him. Are you ready? Be careful…IT’S…books. That’s right he catapults hundreds of books which trap Farmer and pellet him with numerous bruises and scratches. Gallian shows no mercy I tell ya!

I have read many interviews with Mr. Uwe Boll. I understand he likes doing video game translations, but why sir can you not just take some notes from better movies just one time during your career? Make as many bombs as your little heart desires, but if you do possess some legitimate talent, express that once. I would love to see the look on people’s faces. In the Name of the King was filmed in British Columbia, Canada. Interesting that Boll inserts a CGI castle in the middle of the Rockies. I was buying into that…oh yeah. More than any other complaint, and if I have missed one, do not email me. I don’t have enough time to write that review. Anyway, the biggest fault is the editing, which is so patchy and in no particular order that it just hurts to watch at points. When this hits DVD, a 165 minute cut will be released. God help us all. I think Boll initially intended to release this theatrically in two parts, echoing Kill Bill. I can see it was not easy trimming it down to an appalling 2 hours. Boll’s efforts should definitely have time limits.

Not a year goes by where I don’t read a post or hear somebody saying “Why are studios giving Uwe Boll money to make movies?” Comments similar to this one are frequent from Uwe haters. The answer is not that simple. We are continuing to pay money to see whatever he dishes out. Don’t deny it. You are too and you know it. They are so bad we are curious. However, they never top the budget, and Boll keeps churning them out due to the baffling tax loopholes of Germany (he's smarter than you think). It is a complicated process involving German investors. I don't have the patience to elaborate. That being said, I have fun bashing his films. I would love to watch this and commentate on it MST3K style with buddies. On the other hand,In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (say it five times fast) pretty much sucks. It could fall into the so bad it’s good genre, but I will not say so yet. The status of Boll’s films take awhile to digest. I am having trouble rating this. If I hear one more lightning bolt, see Ray Liotta surrounded in smoke once more, or endure one more blatant copy of a Braveheart scene, I will be forced to challenge Boll to his second boxing match.

The 411: I anticipated the theatre I was attending to be empty, but it was not. This proves that in certain areas of the world, people will pay money for Uwe Boll enjoyment. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale is an abomination of a movie. It is not original, but if looked at as a comedy, it is entertaining in a sick way. I feel dirty typing this. I am fully aware of why Boll can make more movies (he has six in production currently), but how on Earth is he able to get these casts? That is a mystery for the ages. If you want to see this, only do so if you have a group that also wishes to see it. I cannot type anymore. I need to move on with my life and forget about Uwe Boll until next January. This is a bad sign for 2008.

Final Score:  2.5   [ Very Bad ]