The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie Review

Posted by Chad Webb on 01.16.2008

Apparently I'll review anything.

Featuring the Voices of:
Phil Vischer: George, Willory, Sir Frederick, Mr. Hibbing, Bob the Tomato, Pirate Spy, Pirate Philippe Pea
Mike Nawrocki: Elliot, Pirate Jean Claude Pea, Theater Foe, Pirate Spy Sidekick, Pirate with Dummy, Rock Monster Father
Cam Clarke: Robert the Terrible, The King
Yuri Lowenthal: Alexander
Laura Gerow: Eloise
Alan Lee: Blind Man, One-Eyed Louie
Cydney Trent: Bernadette
Directed By: Mike Nawrocki
Written By: Phil Vischer
Release Date: January 11, 2008
Running Time: 85 minutes







Rated G

The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie is the second feature length film in the VeggieTales series, following 2002's Jonah. Though it might draw criticism for being released after all three Pirates of the Caribbean installments, Phil Vischer wrote the script before the first movie in that franchise, but Big Idea Productions went bankrupt and was bought out, so it could not begin production until 2005. These are stories for young children...really young children, like around 3 years old and no older. For the target Christian audience, VeggieTales might be wholesome fun, but to everyone else, it is loaded with flaws that are hard to ignore.

Our tale commences sometime in the 17th century where Prince Alexander (voice of Yuri Lowenthal) has just been taken prisoner by his evil pirate Uncle, Robert the Terrible (voice of Cam Clarke). Alexander's father, the King, is away (maybe on corporate business) so he and his sister, Princess Eloise, must deal with the problem on their own. Eloise (voice of Laura Gerow) hides out with her sidekick Willory, and uses the King's help seeker to search for heroes that can save the day. This flashes forward to present day where George, Elliot, and Sedgewick (voices of Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki) are fantasizing of leaving their jobs as cabinboys at the Pieces of Ate Dinner Theater (a poor imitation of Medieval Times) to be cast in the big pirate show. Unfortunately, Elliot is afraid of everything, Sedgewick is beyond lazy, and George has no self-confidence. When they are fired after a horrible audition, the trio spots a mysterious metal ball in the alley. Upon pressing its button, they are whisked back to the 17th century, and find themselves in the middle of the escalating situation involving Eloise and Alexander. Now, they must face their fears, overcome danger, and solve the mysteries to rescue the Prince and prevent Robert the Terrible from seizing the throne.

The characters in this film are still separate identities in the VeggieTales universe. Elliot is Larry the Cucumber, Sedgewick is Mr. Lunt, and George is Pa Grape. I'll be honest. This is a good-hearted effort which conveys a pleasant message and educational themes, but in the cinematic world, that is not enough for a pass. For starters, we are watching vegetables. Why is it that Pixar and Dreamworks chose monsters, animals, and insects? Because kids will enjoy seeing them on the screen. What is entertaining about vegetables? Are they cute, cuddly, or funny in appearance? No. It doesn't help that some of them have no distinguishing traits to tell what vegetable they are. Some do and it's obvious, but others simply resemble little colored blobs of goo.

Another complaint I have is the absence of limbs. For goodness sakes, this is an animated feature, I can stretch my imagination into accepting that real vegetables do not have actual arms or legs, but geez, it looks ridiculous when they pick items up with "air." Get the stupid cucumber an arm! I have seen the VeggieTales television show flipping through the channels on occasion. It is hard to miss. The animation is certainly vibrant and bright. On television, the CGI is probably up to par, but in the age of the detailed John Lasseter, The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything is comprised of animated traits that are entirely too basic and plain. Combined with the limb issue, the computer generated imagery comes across as sloppy and overly ordinary. In terms of reaching a memorable level, this matters to kids whether they can comprehend it or not. Trust me, I was one once.

This is not an adventure for adults. As I said, if the child is too young, they won't care about the veggies, and if they are too old, other better animated characters will take hold. So that leaves a very small amount of viewers, no pun intended, for The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Obviously the parents are forced to take their wee ones to the theater. For some odd reason, Phil Vischer inserted dozens of jokes geared towards the parents. In any normal circumstance, like Shrek for example, this would be terrific and welcomed. However, with the incredibly straightforward and unspoiled VeggieTales clan it creates a clash of intentions. Literally they poke fun at Tivo, Scarface, and Radio Shack. It's just bizarre. I mean seriously, even if the adults laugh, why would they be caught dead watching this again?

This was amusing at points. Elliot, or Larry the Cucumber, or Director Mike Nawrocki who voices him, or...oh whatever! Anyway, the cucumber is an appealing character. Sedgewick is an annoying gourd with a bad accent that hops around creepily and loves cheese curls. George is a grape, much to my amazement, and besides a slightly irritating voice, he is tolerable. Many people will be worried about the Christian morals and direct references to God. In truth, this has caused the VeggieTales crew controversy in the past, so much that the episodes needed to be edited, but that is definitely not a dilemma for this particular outing. How could it be when they mention Edward Scissorhands?

I am not a critic who is incapable of observing what children connect to. I always take that into account when judging a film. In the case of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything though, I fail to see why anyone would want to watch this anthropomorphic produce (hopefully fresh) frolick around Jolly Joe's bar, circle the Whipcrack islands, or escape strange looking rock creatures. Universal's first full-length CGI film is politely natured material with clean goofy songs, but not inventive enough, especially considering the noticeable elements from The Lion King and The Wizard of Oz. Had this been Direct-to-DVD, who could carp? Instead, they bit off way more than they could chew by releasing it theatrically with a $15 million budget.

The 411: I want to know who selected the trailers to attach to this "G" rated motion picture. Because I saw three previews, and one stood out. 1) Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl starring Abigail Breslin. It is sure to suck like Nancy Drew did. 2) Kung Fu Panda with Jack Black. It actually looks funny. And...3) Meet the Spartans?! I am sure the Christian based audience who purchased tickets to this bland CGI feature were hoping for some naughty parody clips. Good grief, as J.R. would say. Anyway, January usually has the weaker family films surfacing, and 2008 is no different. I admire the message presented, but too many slip ups and weird choices from Phil Vischer and Mike Nawrocki prevent The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (title is too long) from making an impact.

Final Score:  4.5   [ Poor ]