The Big Screen Bulletin: The Grass is Always Greener on This Side

Posted by Chad Webb on 02.11.2008

A nightmare with "Snow Buddies", the box office results, Scorsese's Bob Marley project, details on next "Mortal Kombat" film, release date changes, new DVD releases, the critic's quickee, trailer ratings, and much more!

Straight to Video Nightmares

Snow Buddies







Featuring the Voices Of: James Belushi, Josh Flitter, and Whoopi Goldberg
Directed By: Robert Vince
Written By: Anna McRoberts and Robert Vince
Release Date: February 5, 2008
Running Time: 87 minutes
Rated G for all audiences

Dogs. They are man's best friend. They are cute, cuddly, and wonderful pets to own. People love dogs, especially puppies. Pictures, calendars, and stuffed animals flood our houses and offices showcasing our love for canines. If you are someone who adores dogs, you might like the Air Bud franchise, or better yet, maybe you hate it like me. I, for one, have lost count of where this series has ventured. If you can believe it, Snow Buddies is the epic 7th installment of this saga. I actually saw the first, simply titled Air Bud, and despite its large hunks of cheese and bland plot, it was semi-enjoyable. However, I never took a chance with Air Bud: Golden Receiver, Air Bud: World Pup, Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud: Spikes Back, or Air Buddies. Whew. I'm already having second thoughts about writing this. Somewhere along the timeline, (ok it was Air Bud: World Pup, I feel dirty for knowing it) Bud got busy with some bitch and had puppies. The stories mainly starred Kevin Zegers as Josh Framm, a kid who was attached to his dog with entirely too much intensity. Patrick Framm (the uncle of Josh) came into the picture for the first sequel, and apparently acquired Bud and his children in one way or another. Do you care? Probably not.

In this latest adventure, called Snow Buddies, the franchise is now focusing on Bud and Molly's (the wife I suppose) puppies. Some moron decided it would be fun to assign actors to voice them. The names of the "buddies" are Rosebud (Liliana Mumy), Mudbud (Henry Hodges), Budderball (Josh Flitter), Buddha (Jimmy Bennett), and B-Dawg (Skyler Gisondo). Most of them live with separate owners now. They live in Fernfield, Washington, a town where all dogs are allowed to roam free as if they are human. I know there is a damn leash law to enforce! The pups gather together for fun during the day, probably to discuss how idiotic their activities are. Then the excitement commences where they sneak into an ice cream truck in search of some tasty treats. Unfortunately the driver closes the trailer door, heads to the airport, and loads it onto a plane flying to Alaska. The pilot then dumps the refrigerated container carelessly into the woods for pick-up. Far-fetched even for a children's fantasy? Yes. Enter Adam Bilson (Dominic Scott Kay), a young kid who desperately wants his own dogsled team, but his father says no. You see, an accident occurred which resulted in the death of two Huskies. Shasta (Dylan Sprouse of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) is the only one they have left. Adam also plays hockey, but he must suck since he scored on his own net. I saw that on a Full House episode. Folks, you know you've seen the bottom of the barrel when you swipe ideas from TGIF. So obviously Shasta encounters the buddies. The group learns of Adam's wish to join the local dogsled race, and want to help. Meanwhile, back in Washington, Richard Karn is Patrick Framm. He and the child owners are frantically scavenging the town for the puppies to no avail. Karn is wearing a flannel shirt, displaying how much he wants to portray Al Borland again.

It doesn't take a genius to see where this storyline goes. Let me get something off my chest. Whenever I review a children's film, and I afford a negative rating, I always, always, always receive feedback from someone accusing me of not understanding what children like. Actually, I do, because I was one once. Kids will like just about anything you put in front of them. The only way you can tell how much they like the show or movie in question is how much they watch it again and again. That being said, not every submission into the children's or family genre is acceptable just because it is a fantasy, or because they can sit through the 80 minutes. Some are horrific. Some are appalling. Some are torturous. Snow Buddies falls under all of these accolades. This is an excruciating experience. I don't care how friggin' adorable the puppies are, that quality alone does not mean the film is worthwhile. One of my biggest complaints for any dog premise is not allowing the animal to communicate naturally. We do not need voices. It substantially alters the atmosphere and causes it to look incredibly corny. Homeward Bound is a possible exception. The best dog flicks followed a story in which they had no vocalists. 2006's Eight Below with Paul Walker was surprisingly heartwarming and pleasant, mainly because of no stupid voices. Not only are the voices of the pups annoying, but Disney, in their infinite wisdom, chose to apply CGI to make their mouths move. One can imagine how this translates to any screen. How can anyone connect with the message when the scenes are constructed so sloppily?

If this was not enough, let us glance at a sample of the dialogue. "If we don't find a warm place soon, we're all gonna turn into puppysicles." The female pup Rosebud also says she needs a "pawdicure." No, this is not a bad attempt at a joke by yours truly. These actually were lines written by a person. This suggests another gripe I have about pets. For anyone who owns one and is reading this article, pay attention. They do not like to wear clothing! Not one. You are making your pet look foolish by dressing it up. Budderball wears a football jersey, and even has the makeup strokes under his eyes. B-Dawg sports a bling necklace and every word out of his mouth is rap artist slang like "super fly", "gnarly", and "trippin." He sounds more like Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles than anything else. Buddha, the zen master, is constantly unloading wise one-liners as if he was Yoda on crack. Mudbud is going through withdrawal from rolling in mud, and can't stop yakking about this painful dilemma. Rosebud, thankfully, is tolerable minus the pawdicure comment. Toss in a barrage of bizarre characters like Miss Mittens (a cat voiced by Whoopi Goldberg) and Talon the great, an old Huskie voiced by Kris Kristofferson. Honestly, who could perform as a old recluse dog better than Kristofferson? We are also forced to watch and listen to the villainous Huskies controlled by Jean-George, Adam's competitor in the annual dogsled race. In addition, Saint Bernie is the companion to the local ancient codger Sheriff. He is voiced by James Belushi, and has a badge collar. A tad bit overkill...just maybe? I almost forgot to mention the dimwitted deputy and the out of place Inuit who lives in an igloo. Having described all the characters, I am officially sick and tired of golden retrievers for many lifetimes.

If there is a Martin Scorsese of animal franchises, it is Robert Vince, who has produced all but the first of the Air Bud films, helmed 3 of them, and also has the 4 MVP: Most Valuable Primate movies on his resume. I have to wonder what drugs this individual is on regularly, and what advice his peers are giving him. He has to be the brunt of every joke at parties. He saturates this brainless entertainment with messy CGI insertions, and along with co-screenwriter Anna McRoberts, they supplied one too many fart sequences. One involved the pulling of a paw. Need evidence of a poor script? Look for flatulence jokes. I could cite numerous more gaping plot holes and flaws in Snow Buddies. How about the absence of rules in the dogsled race? How about that Adam can build a new sled by himself as if he was an accomplished engineer? How about the blatant off-screen direction for the dogs which is clearly observable? Those are just a few. Snow Buddies is a terrible, paint-by-numbers, sugarcoated, overstuffed piece of cinematic junk. Everyone will surely state how cute this is. Certain aspects are, yes, but it ceases to be cute once we see the mouths move and hear the actors speak for the dogs. I can forgive the endless cliches and even the horrendously wooden acting by the visible cast members, but not the avalanche of other faults. I would love to say this is the final installment of the Air Bud and his little buddies, but in fact, Mr. Vince is working passionately on Space Buddies, which will certainly be trailed by Jungle Buddies, City Buddies, American Idol Buddies, High School Musical Buddies, and Toilet Bowl Buddies.

Final Rating = 1.5/10.0

Obituaries

John Alvin
1948 – 2008



John Alvin was a man who made movie posters. As you can see above, he fashioned some of the most famous and most beautiful pieces of artwork in the history of cinema. He did this simply because he was a film buff like so many of us. He completed posters for over 38 years and gave the world approximately 120 of them all together. He was also apart of a group that helped establish the "Golden Age of Movie Posters." He leaves behind his wife Andrea, and his daughter Farah. This is a death you might not have heard about. John was one of the greats, but at least his work will be admired and revered for decades to come. He will be missed.

The News Bulletin

Warner's "Gold" Fools Ms. Montana
Hannah Montana's onstage flair was no match for the second onscreen pairing of Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson as Warner Bros.' "Fool's Gold" overtook the pop princess' concert pic at the Friday B.O. Playing in 3,125 theaters, "Gold" minted $7.7 million; a figure that is just under the $8 million opening day posted by the previous 2003 McConaughey-Hudson romantic comedy "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." "Gold" looks to hold onto the top spot throughout the weekend and should wind up with a three-day take that's in line with the $23.8 million generated by "Guy." In its second Friday, Disney's 3-D "Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour" tumbled 67% to third place, ringing up $2.8 million at 687 venues for an eight-day cume of $45.7 million. Despite the downtick in receipts, the G-rated pic did chart a soulful theater average of $4,135.

In second, Universal's family reunion comedy "Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins" starring Martin Lawrence brought in $5 million from 2,386 hardtops, putting the film's first day slightly above the $4.5 million charted by the headliner's comedy "National Security." "Security" wound up cashing in an opening of $14.4 million over the January 17-19, 2003 three-day frame. The Lionsgate-Par Vantage horror-thriller "The Eye" fell 58% in its Friday-to-Friday grosses to fourth place, counting $2.1 million at 2,470 locations and a running cume of $17 million. In its fourth Friday, Fox-Spyglass' "27 Dresses" remained afloat in the top five, grossing $1.7 million, down 39%, for a current domestic take of $61.4 million.

On the specialty side, auds ponied up $154,000 at 962 barns to giggle at Picturehouse's stand-up comedy pic "Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show." The day's highest theater average belonged to Focus Features' Colin Farrell and Ralph Fiennes topliner "In Bruges," which registered $4,565 or $128,000 from 28 locales. Sony Classics' dramedy "The Band's Visit," about an Egyptian police band that gets stranded in an Israeli town, strummed $16,000 at seven New York and Los Angeles playdates for a per theater average of $2,355. The Paris Hilton laffer "The Hottie & The Nottie" was unable to turn heads at 111 engagements, collecting $9,000 in domestic coin. The heiress even attempted to cue up her Los Angeles fans last night at the Mann Chinese 6 with an autograph signing.

I guess I had an inkling that the McConaughey/Hudson train would be powerful enough to grab #1. Martin Lawrence starring pics normally do well also, but his wasn't aimed at a wide audience. I'm amazed The Eye managed to remain in the top 5, and surprisingly Juno is still holding people's attention. I know folks who have gone multiple times. The rest of the top 10 are holdovers with There Will Be Blood holding on at #10. The older viewers are still heading out to see The Bucket List, the action fans are keeping Rambo alive at #8, and with any luck, Meet the Spartans will be off the radar soon. For the Valentine's Day weekend, I am picking Jumper over The Spiderwick Chronicles.






Scorsese Expands His Music Tastes
Having covered the work of Bob Dylan, The Rolling Stones, and The Band in previous documentaries, director Martin Scorsese is set to examine the life and times of reggae legend Bob Marley for his next musical project. The "Goodfellas" helmer is collaborating with Marley's family on the forthcoming feature, which Screen Daily claims will cover "the life, legacy and global impact of the influential singer-songwriter." Speaking of the project, son Ziggy said, "I am thrilled that the Marley family will finally have the opportunity to document our father's legacy and are truly honoured to have Mr. Scorsese guide the journey."

If any musician deserves an honest and praiseworthy biopic based on his life, it is Bob Marley. Perhaps it was Will Smith's speech in I Am Legend that inspired this idea. Or maybe not. If this documentary is anything like No Direction Home, it should be a classic piece of film on the greatest reggae musician ever. Scorsese has done spectacular things with regard to documentaries about musicians. What makes me love Mr. Scorsese more and more as time goes by is his drive to always create and shape fascinating and adept concepts. Next is the Rolling Stones documentary, then it is Shutter Island. He is never falling into a rut. As a fan of Marley and Scorsese, this will surely be magical.






The Game That Wouldn't Die
Despite talk of a new "Mortal Kombat" film in the works, Moviehole's recent interview with one-name director 'mink' ("Into the Sun") reveals that things are still in the very early stages. The concept isn't so much a sequel as it is a restart - "It is taking the entire concept to the next level across the board in every area visual design, story, cast, FX, photography and most importantly the fighting scenes."

He adds that "The original Mortal Kombat game was born a child of many visual loves by the creators at Midway so this latest version borrows heavily from that pioneering spirit and must be thought out and executed at the highest level in order for it succeed in today's market place." Casting has yet to get underway so reports of Christopher Lambert returning as Rayden are erroneous. The script "has been handled by the Producers and their writers at Threshold Studios in conjunction with Midway, of course." At present, "the producers are working out their deals with the studio and arranging their financing." Louisiana was previously slated for the shoot, but that's unsure now.

Why didn't Mortal Kombat: Annihilation act as the fatality to this franchise. No one wants to see this. Who cares if Christopher Lambert is or isn't returning as Rayden? I don't know about any of you, but whoever this mink is, his spiel didn't really sound all that mind blowing in terms of repackaging this series. He directed Steven Seagal in Into the Sun, and now all of a sudden, a studio will trust him to redesign a video game adaptation that is virtually impossible to resurrect successfully? The game was fun back when I was 14, but at this point, Mortal Kombat will only be a joke to movie audiences






Adjust Those Calendars!: Release Date Changes
"What Happens In Vegas" has moved up one week from May 16th to May 9th to act as counter-programming to Speed Racer and Iron Man.

"Four Christmases", the New Line holiday comedy starring Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn, has been delayed from November 14th 2008 to the Thanksgiving Weekend on November 26th.

"Clive Barker Presents: Hellraiser" has moved from September 5th 2008 to January 9th 2009.

"Amusement", a Picturehouse horror-thriller, has been delayed from April 25th 2008 to September 12th.

"Sci Fi Movie", yet another Weinstein/Dimension spoof, will come out February 20th 2009.

"Piranha 3D", a horror remake from Alexandre Aja, will come out July 24th 2009.

"Rob Zombie's Tyrannosaurus Rex" will come out August 28th 2009, a similar weekend to Rob Zombie's Halloween remake.

"The Accidental Husband", as previously reported, was delayed from its March 7th release. Now it will come out August 15th 2008.

What Happened in Vegas has basically just signed its own death sentence by moving to the same weekend as Speed Racer, and one week after Iron Man. This cements that basically no one females with nothing to do will waste any time on this. Chances are they will go for Ashton Kutcher, and then be too busy talking throughout the film to pay attention. The big move is Hellraiser, which for some bizarre reason has been dumped into the January pile of trash. The two horror offerings from Zombie and Aja should be neat, and it doesn't shock me at all that they will be released in the middle of the summer. Sci-Fi Movie? Are they serious? I would normally get mad at this news, but at least their ideas will be running out soon enough.






Del Toro's Future Uncertain
The buzz about Guillermo del Toro right now may be all about whether or not he's directing "The Hobbit" (and its follow-up), but the filmmaker is also reportedly looking to give a certain Marvel Comics character the big screen treatment. According to EmpireOnline.com, del Toro wants to bring Marvel's sorcerer supreme, Doctor Strange, to cinematic life. Del Toro's no stranger to Marvel movies, having previously helmed "Blade II", which was scripted by David Goyer. Goyer, ironically, once penned a screenplay for a "Doctor Strange" movie, but that's not who del Toro has in mind to script his dream version.

"I talked with Neil Gaiman [about writing it]," del Toro told EmpireOnline. "I said, that's an interesting character because you can definitely make him more in the pulpy occult detective/magician mold and formula than was done in the "Weird Tales", for example." The filmmaker continued, "The idea of a character that really dabbles in the occult in a way that's not "X-Filey", where the supernatural is taken for granted. That's interesting." Del Toro warned fans, though, "I wouldn't use the suit!"

According to a news bit I read on 411, it seems The Hobbit is still in the negotiation stage. They better not let this opportunity go. Doctor Strange would have been my last guess as a project for Del Toro. Why on God's green Earth would he have the desire to do this? This character is extremely strange, no pun intended, and a live-action film based on his comics is sure to fail and look completely ridiculous. There was a made-for-TV movie a few decades ago, and it was just awful. Del Toro should not be doing comic book adaptations. He has abilities that go beyond that genre. The animated film of Doctor Strange was semi-entertaining, but as I said, this character is better left on the small screen if anywhere at all.

The 20 Second Sermon

Pirates 4 is rumored to be a buddy pic. This could work providing that the running time be cut down significantly, and the jokes be balanced well with the standard swashbuckling action we have grown to love from the franchise. Michael Douglas is set to star in a remake of a Fritz Lang film called Beyond a Reasonable Doubt. I like Douglas, and if I can envision anyone doing justice to Lang, it is him. Lots of news on Terminator Salvations: The Future Begins. Josh Brolin would make a killer terminator, but I'm still upset about McG helming. As for respecting continuity, worry about the films, not the forgettable television series. For Woody Allen's next movie, Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz have a threesome with Javier Bardem. Wow, Bardem is one lucky individual. I'll be seeing this. For another future Allen effort, Larry David is set to star. That is terrific news. Woody Allen desperately needs a solid hit. As usual, many names are being thrown around to direct the next Conan the Barbarian film. Rob Zombie and Neil Marshall are two. Marshall is too promising to want this, and Zombie might work. Xavier Gens was another possibility, and none of us should want that. It appears the strike is over, and all I have to say is that is fantastic. I'll elaborate on next week's podcast. Stay tuned!

What's Coming to DVD….Buy or Avoid?

DVD Headline of the Week



WWE: The Legacy of Stone Cold Steve Austin - I have been waiting patiently for an adequate Stone Cold set, and it is finally here. Yes, we will all be picking this up. Buy

Gone Baby Gone - This was an intense and suspenseful drama with riveting performances by Casey Affleck ands Amy Ryan, not to mention adept direction from Ben Affleck. Though not flawless, it is an easy ***1/2. Buy

Becoming Jane - Jane Austen was certainly a popular subject in 2007. Why is it that I don't really care about any of the films involving her or her material?

In the Shadow of the Moon - By all accounts, this was one of the best documentaries in years. I really wanted to see it, but the limited release prevented me from doing so. I will be renting this soon.

No Reservations - This was surprisingly solid for a romantic comedy, yet no one saw it. Although Abigail Breslin is annoying now, I was able to sit through this with relative enjoyment. My advice is to rent or wait for the price to go down to like $10. Buy

We Own the Night - This might be Writer/Director James Gray's best offering to date. It is not a masterpiece, but in terms of action and thrills, Wahlberg and Phoenix help him deliver those qualities. I thought this was awesome in ways. Buy

Charlie Chan Collection, Vol. 4 - I'm not sure about this box set. My guess is the earlier sets were the better ones.

Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? - I'm not a fan of Perry, but he does have a following. This struck me as being too similar to a dozen other friend films from the past 20 years. I have no interest.

Eclipse Series 8 - Lubitsch Musicals - This new Criterion box set features 4 musicals from Filmmaker Ernst Lubitsch. It should be fantastic. Lubitsch made some stellar comedies like To Be or Not Be.

Martian Child - John Cusack pumped out a handful of films this year, and this was among those aiming for an Oscar nom. I think this moved to DVD release in like one week.

The Joan Crawford Collection, Vol. 2 - This contains five films and one wire hanger for the fanatics pleasure.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner - This was a magnificent story about interracial marriage with some of the finest performers of the last century. It is highly recommended, and was well overdue for a double dip. Stanley Kramer box set is also available tomorrow. Buy

Dedication - A cast comprised of Mandy Moore, Billy Crudup, and Tom Wilkinson, yet I have not heard of it. What gives?

The Wiz (30th Anniversary) - This is one of the worst musicals known to man. It was and is a disaster. Director Sydney Lumet admitted this fact himself. Avoid

I Could Never Be Your Woman - Amy Heckerling's film finally gets released, but Direct-to-DVD. It is a sad story that I will be revealing in a future straight to video nightmare.

Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav - Generally I think roasts are funny, but seriously, does anyone care about this one?

Three Can Play at That Game - Yes this is a sequel to Vivica Fox's mildly successful hit from 2001. Straight to video nightmare.

The Equalizer - Season One - My Dad used to watch this show when I was little, hence I do remember it being pretty neat. I wouldn't mind picking this up.

George of the Jungle - The Complete Series - For all the fans of this cartoon, it comes to you in one package for a low price of $15.

Blade the Series: The Complete Series - I never cared for anything past the first film, and I never watched the series. I don't plan on starting soon.

Movie Dictionary: Word of the Week

Angelyne - Angelyne is a model and occasional actress who has become an icon of Hollywood and Los Angeles best known for purchasing billboards advertising herself. Angelyne drives a pink Corvette which bears the shortened name "ANGLYNE" on its license plate, and has a pink maltese named Buddha. She began to gain local attention in the early 1980s when a series of billboards popped up around the city featuring her in various poses. Around this time, she made her first appearance on national television as a guest on the late night talk show Thicke of the Night hosted by Alan Thicke, and featuring a young Arsenio Hall.

Although it has been claimed that billboard companies or a wealthy husband pays for her billboards, Angelyne, who is single, credits "investors" for financing the outdoor advertising. Angelyne compares herself to Barbie, stating that "Kids think I'm a Barbie doll" and, in one billboard, "Barbie wishes she were me."Angelyne has not given her age or birthdate in interviews, although the IMDB lists (some list 1958) 1968 without providing a source; the Los Angeles County registrar of voters lists her as 44.
Angelyne was one of the candidates in the 2003 California recall election, finishing 28th in a field of 135 candidates. Her slogan during the campaign was "We've had Gray, we've had Brown, now it's time for some blond and pink." She was also a candidate for Hollywood city council in 2002 if it were to secede from Los Angeles. Her billboards have gained more fame than she, and have appeared in several television shows and movies:

- Escape from L.A., starring Kurt Russell. As Russell's character walks up Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles in ruins around him, he looks up to see a pristine Angelyne billboard
- Futurama, in which the main character Philip J. Fry sees an Angelyne billboard after waking up from a thousand-year long cryogenic sleep
- The Simpsons: in the episode "A Star Is Born-Again", an Angelyne billboard is briefly seen during Ned Flanders' L.A. dream sequence
- Shrek 2, in which a spoof of an Angelyne billboard appears, featuring Fairy Godmother in the same iconic pose

Some of her earliest exposure came when her billboard appeared in the opening montage of the hit TV show Moonlighting. She once made a music video, performing the song "I Always Keep A List of All the Guys I Kiss". It features her driving around Los Angeles in a pink Corvette. When being interviewed by the Malibu High School newspaper The Surfwriter, she said she is a billboard princess, not queen, because "princesses have more fun." She is listed on voter records by her first name only. Angelyne was the topic of the Not My Job quiz on National Public Radio's "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!". Listeners learned that she portrayed a Barbara Bush Impersonator in 1991's "The Malibu Beach Vampires" and she wrote a script, "The Bra that Ate L.A." (as yet unproduced).

The Critic's Quickee

The Eye - This English adaptation of the Asian remake, not a Japanese original, is quite possibly the worst piece of trash thus far in 2008. What audiences receive in a nutshell is 80 minutes of irritatingly blurry visions until the "shocking" (note intense sarcasm) arrives. The story is obvious. Sydney Welles is a blind violinist who sees the supernatural world after an eye transplant. Screenwriter Sebastian Guiterrez almost copies the line "I see dead people" and then brushes it off as an in-joke. What nerve. A similar first person point of view technique to The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is employed, however, here it is used solely for cheap scares, and it was evidently, the best special effect Directors David Moreau and Xavier Palud could think of. There are so many little league attempts to make you jump, it is pathetic. The concluding portion of the film is laughable with the most completely retarded and preposterous turn of events. This is the mainstream debut for Moreau and Palud, and I would hope they seriously restructure their methods, but I doubt that will happen. This made some money, so we're likely to see this duo helming several more atrocious horror offerings. Jessica Alba is not a lead actress. I will not be so quick to bash her every role as she has been tolerable in some instances, but she cannot carry the weight of an entire movie. Parker Posey is Sydney's sister, and she just sticks out like a sore thumb. You wonder how she ended up here. The only positive aspect of The Eye is Alessandro Nivola, the brilliant performer from Face Off and Junebug, who acts circles around the cast, and does everything in his power to salvage this wreck of a motion picture. Ultimately, no one person could have saved this. It is a total waste of time. The original, while not spectacular, was at least watchable. Seeing this made my eyes hurt. Final Rating = 1.5/10.0

Strange Wilderness - Don't bother seeing this putrid comedy. If you want my thoughts, click on my full review right here.

Over Her Dead Body - Sadly, I didn't have time to watch this. I apologize.

Based on the Trailer…

Newest Trailers

The Ruins - As usual, this piece of horror does not interest me at all. A bunch of kids who get killed. Yippee. Although, it is more original than most lately. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Step Up 2: The Streets - We all knew this was coming, and we all know it will suck. Nothing more need to be said. This preview makes me sick. Trailer Rating = 3.0/10.0

Baby Mama - I wouldn't mind this trailer if Amy Poehler wasn't in it. I really think she is annoying on a whole new level. Tina Fey is amsuing, but I think this will be a very blase comedy. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

February Releases

Jumper - Boy does look retarded. Doug Liman must have thought applying these nifty special effects to a story would work out. I doubt it. This might be average, but it appears to be dumb in my opinion. Trailer Rating = 5.0/10.0

Witless Protection - I have never seen one of Larry the Cable Guy's films, but they do make money. Unfortunately, they also look terrible. This seems to be a continuation of that streak. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

Be Kind Rewind - Michel Gondry usually makes films that are original if nothing else. I like his style of directing, and this plot looks to be a lot of fun. Jack Black and Mos Def should be an interesting duo. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

In Bruges - I watched this trailer, which is funny, and thought the title was Shoot Now, Sightsee Later. Oh well, Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, and Ralph Fiennes look hilarious in this action comedy. Trailer Rating =8.0/10.0

The Spiderwick Chronicles - Remember when everybody was raving about Freddie Highmore? Now he just picks the lamest scripts. This is shaping up to be a bland fantasy pic much like the other recent offerings. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Vantage Point - Hmmm. I'm not sure about this political thriller. The cast is fine, but will that matter if the film blows hard? Trailer Rating = 7.0 /10.0

The Other Boleyn Girl - My first reaction was, wow, it is so cool to see Portman and Johansson in a film together, but then the trailer shows you this boring period piece and it is a complete letdown. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Semi-Pro - This is only a teaser, but it was certainly funny. Ferrell seems to be doing the same film over and over again, but people like him. I'll see this. It will be good for laughs. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

March Releases

Snow Angels - This follows three couples at adjacent periods in life and stars Sam Rockwell and Kate Beckinsale. It looks average at best by the trailer, but that could be misleading. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Funny Games - I'll give credit to whoever created this preview. It's different and gets your attention, but also annoying. Still, Tim Roth seems to be in his share of projects lately. This should be worth a look. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

10,000 B.C. - I'm not sure if this wants to be Apocalypto or Pathfinder. Either way it is helmed by Roland Emmerich, so it is likely to blow aside from the special effects. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Horton Hears a Who - CGI might be the best way to adapt a Dr. Seuss book to the screen. This doesn't look all that bad I guess. I'll give it a shot. Carell and Carrey should be funny together. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Stop-Loss - The cast here is risky. Ryan Philippe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are superb, but Channing Tatum is certainly not. Still, Gordon-Levitt is enough reason for me. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Drillbit Taylor - Another movie from the people who brought us Superbad and Knocked Up, and this one has Owen Wilson as bodyguard to high school kids. It looks ok I suppose. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

April, TBD, and Beyond Releases

Prom Night - This is going to be a stinky turd. Nothing else needs to be said, and the trailer doesn't help. The bad cover song hurts as well. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

Kung Fu Panda - This could be funny. Jack Black has solid voice for CGI, and the premise is intriguing. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Wall-E - Another Pixar classic is under our belt, and I can't wait for the next one. This robotic adventure should be great, and easily superior to Robots. Trailer Rating = 10.0/10.0

Mamma Mia! - I have never seen this musical on Broadway, but I suppose I'll have to see this film, featuring music from Abba…ugh. It doesn't look terrible, but it's not my type of thing. Trailer Rating = 6.5/10.0

Son of Rambow - Since this was tagged to Rambo the action movie, one can't help but think this looks cute. It should be an entertaining children's film despite the peculiar title. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

88 Minutes - I do think this will be a competent thriller, mostly due to Pacino. For once the trailer revealed a lot without exposing too much. Hopefully this delivers. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Leatherheads - George Clooney directs and stars in this football film with Jim from The Office and Rene Zellweger. I think it looks fun and entertaining. Clooney is a fine filmmaker. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

You Don't Mess With the Zohan - What a shame that Adam Sandler's films seem to be getting worse. I have no interest in seeing this, and I did not laugh once during this trailer. Same old song and dance from him. Trailer Rating = 4.0/10.0

Midnight Meat Train - You watch this preview, and it strikes you as a riveting thriller, then the title comes up, and you can't help but chuckle. It seems to take itself way too seriously for a bizarre title like that. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Iron Man - I must admit, any trailer that has Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" is ok by me. This looks funny and could be a decent blockbuster. Trailer Rating = 7.5/10.0

Speed Racer - This film looks weird. I mean, it should visually amazing like only the Wachowski's know how, but I'm not sure about this one yet. It should be entertaining though. Trailer Rating = 7.0/10.0

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - I must admit, after disliking the first one, this trailer actually has me anticipating the sequel. Perhaps they improved with age. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

The Duchess - This is a goofy trailer. You wonder who could be introduced, and then the title "The Duchess" comes up, and you wonder why all the hassle of building it up. Knightley is to period pieces as Seagal is to B-movie action. Trailer Rating = 6.0/10.0

Hancock - Will Smith plays one of the most extraordinary looking super heroes in history. I'm actually excited to see this. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

Wall-E (2) - The second trailer for Pixar's upcoming film makes me want to see it even more. I'm sorry, but this company is doing wondrous things right now. Trailer Rating = 10.0/10.0

Star Trek XI - The teaser was superbly placed before Cloverfield, and this causes me to be amped for the next installment despite my doubts about the cast. I hope it's as good as we deserve. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

Hellboy II: The Golden Army - I loved the first film, and am greatly anticipating the sequel. It looks to have kept the same sense of visual excitement and adventure. Trailer Rating = 8.0/10.0

The Dark Knight (2) - I have to admit, despite the endless news bits about this film, the trailer is marvelous and could not have been handled better. This will rock. Trailer Rating = 10.0/10.0

Kitt Kittredge: An American Girl - The new Abigail Breslin vehicle. I'll bet this blows as it looks similar to Nancy Drew, which was horrendous by itself. I'll be passing on this one. Trailer Rating = 3.0/10.0

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - The new pic from the Apatow pack looks hilarious with Jason Segel in the lead role. At this point, we'd go see anything with Apatow's name attached. Trailer Rating = 8.5/10.0

Defiance - This new Edward Zwick film looks outstanding with Daniel Craig leading the cast in World War II story. This gave me chills. I can't wait. Trailer Rating = 9.0/10.0

What Happens in Vegas - This is a movie that gives people reason to say there is nothing good out. This will be a total and complete piece of junk. You know it, and I know it. Trailer Rating = 2.0/10.0

Other Stuff to Read

The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From A to E
The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From F to J
The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From K to O
The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From P to T
The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From U to X
The Best Movies of the Alphabet – From Y to #

411 February Roundtable - This month I compiled the thoughts of the movie zone staff on the summer releases of January!
Fact or Fiction - Ben Piper gathers the thoughts of Mike Gorman and Trevor Snyder this week!
Furious on Film - Arnold Furious gives you his opinions on new and old films every week.
What!!-This-Column!?? - Bryan Kristopowitz continues his column about…stuff.
Two Tivos to Paradise - Al Norton brings all the news and updates in television that you can handle.
Ask 411 Movies - Leonard Hayhurst answers all the questions in Ask 411 movies.
The USB Evening Movie News - George Sirois brings the Thursday news for you.
Misunderstood Masterpieces - Will Helm gives you his weekly misunderstood masterpiece for your reading pleasure.
The MeeThinks Friday FreeThinks - Thanks again to John Meehan for providing my banner here, and for the Alphabet feature.

Make sure to check out all of this week's reviews of DVD's, Movies, Music, and more!
And of course read every movie review with the name Chad Webb attached to it.
Thanks for reading the whole way through, and make sure to tune in next week.

The 411: 

Final Score:  0.0   [ Torture ]