College Road Trip Review

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 03.09.2008

The movie where we learn to never let a pig eat coffee beans and never let Raven-Symone star in a movie ever again.

Martin Lawrence- James Porter
Raven-Symone- Melanie Porter
Kym Whitley- Michelle Porter
Eshaya Draper- Trey Porter
Donny Osmond- Doug Greenhut
Molly Ephraim- Wendy Greenhut
Brenda Song- Nancy
Margo Harshman- Katie
Directed by Roger Kumble
Screenplay by Emi Mochizuki, Carrie Evans, Cinco Paul, and Ken Daurio
Distributed by Walt Disney
Rated G
Runtime- 83 minutes
Website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/collegeroadtrip/

The latest Disney family comedy, "College Road Trip," isn't a very good movie for one simple reason: bad casting. Now, I know what you're thinking, that's what Disney gets for hiring Martin Lawrence. But Lawrence, star of the "Big Mama's House" movies, is actually one of the flick's bright spots. No, the biggest problem for "College Road Trip" rests in the performance of the flick's other star, Disney channel phenom Raven-Symone.

She's awful.

Terrible.

Absolutely horrendous.

Raven-Symone is Melanie Porter, a smart, hip and edgy in a family movie kind of way high school senior looking for a college that suits her interests. Her over protective police chief father James (Lawrence), wants her to go to nearby Northwestern University, which is just a thirty minute drive from home. But she has her heart set on going to Georgetown, which is almost a thousand miles away. When she lands a hard to get interview at the prestigious school, she plans to hitch a ride with her friends who are going to visit people in Pittsburgh. James, as expected, is upset about the idea of his precious daughter going so far away, nor is he happy about Melanie not asking him to take her to Georgetown. So James, at the last minute, decides to take her to Georgetown himself and, on the way, convince her that she's better off going to Northwestern.

Now, when the road trip of the movie's title begins, you'd expect some banter, some chemistry, something interesting to happen between Lawrence and Symone. After all, they're a father and a daughter who have grown apart, with the daughter developing into someone the father no longer recognizes. There should be some actual conflict between the two. But there isn't. Lawrence tries ever so mightily to make the relationship work. The stuff he does to embarass her on the road, including dancing like an idiot on the Northwestern campus, paying people at Northwestern to tell his daughter that the school is top notch, getting lost in the woods and destroying their SVU (among other things) sure is lame, but it's supposed to be lame. It's all supposed to showcase just how out of touch he is. And to a great extent it does. However, Symone can't keep up with Lawrence. Heck, she can't keep up with the kid with the monotone voice and the pet pig playing her brother Trey, Eshaya Draper. She just walks through every scene she's in with one of two facial expressions; stone faced but with bug eyes or gaping mouth shocked with bug eyes. And when she says her lines, for reasons that escape me, she starts stuttering at the end of every sentence. And when the flick calls for her to be sarcastic she makes the non-actors of "Howling 7: New Moon Rising" look like they're in a Coen Brothers movie. If she didn't have an already loyal fanbase from her Disney Channel show "That's So Raven" and therefore an "in" at Disney, there's no way in hell she would be in this movie (or really any movie).

And I'm not even going to discuss the whole "Double Dutch Bus" thing. It's what nightmares are made of.

As God awful as Symone is, there are some things about the movie to recommend. First, as I said above, Martin Lawrence carries the movie and makes it somewhat watchable. He doesn't get to cuss or appear in a funny costume, he just has to rely on his personality, which works tremendously. I personally think the man is underrated as an actor. Second, Lawrence has a "fat" wife, Michelle, as played by Kym Whitley. It's refreshing to see a non-super model bean pole as the leading man's wife. And you actually believe she can sell someone a house (her job is in real estate). Third, Donny Osmond's supporting bit as hyperactive super happy father Doug Greenhut. James and Melanie meet Doug and his daughter Wendy (Molly Ephraim) while at the Northwestern tour, and then later on down the road. Osmond just throws himself into the part and, most importantly, doesn't make you cringe when he yells "Jinx!" when he and his daughter say the same thing. Makes you wonder why Disney didn't decide to make a buddy comedy with Lawrence and Osmond together, sort of a lame family "48 Hours" kind of thing. I'd go see something like that.

And then there's Eshaya Draper's Trey Porter and his super smart pet pig Albert. Trey ends up going on the trip to Georgetown, too, after he sneaks undetected into the trunk of his father's SVU, hoping to meet with the Secretary of Defense when they get to Washington to Trey can tell the Secretary about his "super pig" weapons plan. As kooky as Trey's sub plot is, you wonder about half way through the flick's 83 minute running time why the movie isn't about Trey and Albert. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch a movie about a super smart kid and his equally super smart pet pig hoping to get a meeting with the Secretary of Defense? . It's goofy, sure. It's stupid, potentially. But I'm willing to bet serious money that it would have been a heck of a lot more fun than Raven-Symone whining about how her father is smothering her. The best freaking scene in the movie is the "Pig eats the discarded coffee beans in the garbage can and goes on a hyper hotel rampage" scene. It's great because of the pig, not Symone.

Now, Symone fans and young kids may find the flick fun throughout. They're the target audience for this movie, so I fully understand the need for all involved to focus on her. That's what the audience presumably wants. So, if you are a big fan of Symone, you're going to go see the movie regardless of what I or anyone else says. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. I'll just say to everyone else, unless you're forced to take one Symone's rabid fans to the theatre to see it, you'll probably laugh at the pig, Lawrence, and Osmond and nothing else. Then you'll just have to keep telling yourself "Hey, it's only 83 minutes! Hey, it's only 83 minutes! It'll be over soon!"

So what do we have here? Gratuitous Martin Lawrence, gratuitous Raven-Symone, gratuitous cut scene of a map of the United States, a "Three Little Pigs" mock trial, a fat wife, hugging, white neighbors, gratuitous Will Sasso, gratuitous clean cut hip and edgy teen party with dancing, a fat guy crushes a glass with his hand, an extensive home movie collection, gratuitous "The Clapper," sleeping with a baseball bat, target practice, gratuitous super smart house trained pig, nature show watching, gratuitous "Double Dutch Bus," gratuitous Donny Osmond, gratuitous tasers, flagrant use of a police vehicle for personal use, driving through the woods with a fualty GPS, tire blowing, SVU crashing, wrapping up a pig like a baby, a facial mask, playing chess with a pig in the bath tub, pouring coffe beans into a garbage can, mouthwash gurgling, a pig high on caffeine rampaging through a hotel, ruining a wedding, singing Christmas carols, gratuitous Asian bus tour karaoke, gratuitous old people dance party, flood lights, gratuitous Kelly Coffield, a pig working a Rubik's cube, jumping out of a plane, golf cart pseudo sword fight with clubs as swords, parade ruining, a high stakes college interview, leaving kids at college, Thanksgiving, and Donny Osmond in a pilgrim costume.

Best lines: "Stop gloating, Albert, no one likes a sore winner, He's playing chess with a pig," "There's something about that pig. He's eyeballing me like I'm cooking his cousin," "Welcome to the James Porter school of parenting," In the future all videos will be implanted in our brains," "Where does the time go?," "Daddy daughter groove machine?," "You have a question, Tinkerbell?," "Any other riveting questions?," "How do I get this cast off?," "Why do you insist on treating me like a child?," "Looks like we've got ourselves a wedding crasher," "Gas money? We charge hugs in this family," "Let's watch as the cheetah rips the gazelle's head clean off," "Mel, should I get my hair highlighted?," "Now that's a great Dad," "Is this part of the initiation?," and "I swallowed a bug."

The 411: "College Road Trip" would have been a better movie if Disney had found someone else to play the Raven-Symone part. She's just awful. She brings the movie down every time she shows up. I just can't stress enough how bad she really is. It's a shame, because this could have been a fine, if supremely lame anyway, family comedy worth watching. Let's just hope that all involved see the light and just make a super smart pig movie next time.

Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]