Directed by Jennifer Flackett & Mark Levin
Screenplay by Josepth Kwong & Paula Mazur and Mark Levin & Jennifer Flacket; Based on the novel by Wendy Orr
Runtime: 96 minutes
Rated PG for mild adventure action and brief language
It seems like people are always getting money to perform scientific studies, no matter how ludicrous the experiment. So, if I ever get bored of reviewing movies, I think I’ll try to do a worthwhile study on the cumulative effects of stupid entertainment on the viewing audience. When I finally publish my findings, there should be enough material for an entire chapter on Nim’s Island. With atrocious acting, a mind-numbing story, and terrible computer animation, it’s one of the most insultingly bad films I’ve seen in a good long while, and I’m pretty sure it caused permanent damage.
Nim lives on an isolated island with her father, Jack, a marine biologist. She spends her days adventuring, reading, and having perfectly rational conversations with poorly animated animals. When a storm leaves Jack lost at sea, Nim contacts her hero, Indiana Jon…er…Alex Rover for help. Unfortunately, the author of the Rover novels is an agoraphobic who can barely leave her apartment, much less travel around the world to save a little girl. But through the power of imagination (and shoddy writing) Nim, Alexandra, and Jack are able to overcome their fears and find the courage to get through this movie. Oh, the island’s invaded by cruise-ship-pirates, too. I don’t know why.
Lord, where to start. I thought of making the teaser line for this column “When bad movies happen to good people,” because the most depressing aspect of Nim’s Island was watching the careers of three talented actors die a painful death. Just to put this in perspective, we’re dealing with a two-time Oscar winner, one of the youngest actresses ever to be nominated, and the guy who made 300. Breslin is the star of the show with her powerfully mediocre performance. Actually, maybe the trained sea lion was better. At least he could fart on cue. Jodie Foster seems to try once or twice, but she’s so far above this kind of asinine, slapstick humor that I can only assume there was blackmail involved.
And poor Gerard Butler…His turn as Jack Rusoe is one of the worst performances ever committed to film. I’m not exaggerating. It was painful. His portrayal of the fictitious hero Alan Quarterma…er…Alex Rover is slightly better, which seems to suggest the guy is only good at playing butt-kicking action roles. Someone should pull the poor lad aside, explain this fact to him, and then cast him in another flick where he pokes holes in people with spears. There is no shame in playing to your strengths and hiding your weaknesses.
In the actors’ defense, they didn’t have much to work with. There were essentially two stories going on here (one bad, one worse) with only the most tenuous connection between the two. Alexandra struggles to overcome her fears by carrying on imaginary conversations with her alter-ego—an idea that is intriguing every time it’s done in better films. Nim tries to be brave while waiting for her dad and putting down that superfluous invasion of Australian tourists. But when the two stories finally come crashing together, we find that there was no point to either. The whole thing is pure drivel.
The special effects are a little hard to pin down. Part of me wants to believe that they were meant to look like bad ‘80s stop-motion, somehow in keeping with the theme of imagination. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself no one would actually pay money for that shot of Nim scaling a rock face, looking like the yodeler from “The Price Is Right” game. The lizard and pelican were even worse, because it looked like someone actually tried with them. If so, I hope they were given a pat on the head and a banana for their efforts before being sent back to the cage.
“But this movie is just for kids,” I hear you say. “I thought you were all about the Purpose Driven Philosophy of movie reviewing,” you sneer. “It isn’t meant to be taken so seriously.” Well, just because a movie is for kids doesn’t mean it has to be stupid. Nim grew up on an island and is portrayed as this rough, rugged survivalist girl, but she doesn’t know how to treat a scraped knee? If Nim and Jack can communicate with these animals to the point of coordinating repairs and assaults on chubby cruise-goers, why doesn’t he just hop a ride on a magical porpoise and swim to safety? I can buy that Nim imagines Alex Rover to look like her dad (the real hero in her life), but doesn’t Alexandra find it odd that this figment of her imagination happens to look exactly like this dude to whom she has no connection? Where, exactly, is the line between fantasy and reality here? Nim’s Island depends on the drooling, slack-jawed idiocy of its audience to mask the lazy, inconsistent, downright horrendous excuse for a story. It’s insulting to think people are peddling this garbage to kids. No wonder they’re turning to drugs at an early age.
The 411: I honestly observed a noticeable drop in my cognitive function after leaving the theater. I had trouble forming complete sentences and writing my name. I wish I was clever enough to be making this up, but I’m not. It was all very traumatic. If you value your intelligence—or that of your children—avoid Nim’s Island at all costs.
