Disaster Movie Review

Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 08.31.2008

A disaster. Is anyone all that surprised?

Matt Lanter- Will
Vanessa Minnillo- Amy
Gary "G. Thang" Johnson- Calvin
Kim Kardashian- Lisa
Nicole Parker- various
Crista Flanagan- various
Carmen Electra- Beautiful Assassin
Tony Cox- Indiana Jones
Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Screenplay by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Sletzer
Distributed by Lionsgate
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, drug references and comic violence
Runtime- 90 minutes
Website: http://www.disastermovie.net


Okay.

As expected, "Disaster Movie," the latest "spoof" movie extravaganza from the writer/director team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, is a conematic turd of the highest order (or lowest order, whichever one you personally take as meaning the worst). It's boring, mostly devoid of laughs or imagination, and ends up a tedious movie going and movie watching experience. It's just awful.

The saddest thing about the movie is there's no real reason for it to be as spectacularly bad as it is. The script is attrocious, sure, but in the hands of a competent director, it could have been nursed along to be just a piece of crap. Friedberg and Seltzer and Lionsgate could have hired pretty much any TV director looking to break into movies, or any Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week director, and he or she probably could have done a much better job (even "Battlespace" director Neil Johnson probably could have made a better movie). The movie barely has a story, which mostly concerns Matt Lanter's Will, after having a dream where Amy Winehouse tells him that ther world is going to end in 2008, tries to rescue his uber hot girlfriend Amy (Vanessa Minnillo), who is trapped in a museum during a series of "catastrophic" events.

Now, you'd think that a movie titled "Disaster Movie" would actually feature an endless series of jokes about disaster movies or movies that, at some point, feature a disaster or a spectacularly bad event (a flood, earthquake, a house fire, anything), but it doesn't. I think there are allusions to "Armageddon" somewhere in there (a falling meteor does kill someone), but the flick mostly "parodies" movies that have come out in the last year or so, like "No Country for Old Men," "Juno," "Enchanted," "Iron Man," "The Dark Knight," "Night at the Museum," "Beowulf," "Kung Fu Panda," and "Alvin and the Chipmunks," among others. Just about every parody fails, mostly because they don't exist for any reason beyond they came out recently and you're likely to recognize them. I have no idea why someone would think that's a surefire way to making at least a watchable movie. There's just no reason for anything. But then again, none of the Friedberg/Seltzer movies to date have been all that good ("Date Movie" is their best effort so far, which obviously isn't saying much). What else can you expect?

There's absolutely no reason to make an effort to see this movie, either in a theatre or on DVD or even on television. However, if you do feel the need to see it in a theatre, or on DVD, or on television, I can at least tell you what made me laugh, or what I found slightly amusing.

First, there's the joke that end of the world is scheduled to happen on the very day of the movie's release, August 29th, 2008. There's an ugly woman with a unibrow that's goofy to look at. The improvised chick fight between Kim Kardashian and Carmen Elektra is fun (Kardashian is actually one of the movie's very, very, very few highlights. She actually looks like she's having fun for some reason). The bits featuring Crista Flanagan as Juney the "Juno" parody are funny (she does a spot on goofy mimic of Ellen Page, and the song she does about abortion is good). A hot woman in a bikini announces she just shit herself joke comes out of nowhere and deserves at least a chuckle. The various fights the characters engage in feature obvious stunt doubles (black doubles foe white characters). A joke about cell phone commercials kind works. The Sarah Jessica Parker joke lands. And the entire "Alvin and the Chipmunks" parody works, especially the bit where the Chipmunks sing a speedmetal song. And watching the rabid Chipmunks attack Juney is funny. And they actually make a joke about "The Love Guru." Mike Myers should send Friedberg and Seltzer a check for a million dollars thanking them for making a movie that makes "The Love Guru" look like "Young Frankenstein."

And then there's Tony Cox, who you've probably seen in the flick's commercials parodying Indiana Jones. After you see him fondle Vanessa Minnillo's ass and then swing through a window, you're likely to wonder why they didn't make a movie solely about Cox as Indiana Jones. At least then the movie would have had a capable, interesting actor in the lead (and think of all of the midget jokes it would have). But then, again, Friedberg and Seltzer don't seem to be all that interested in doing something like that. If they get to make another one of these movies next year, I wouldn't be surprised if Cox plays the wacky personal trainer character Brad Pitt plays in "Burn After Reading." I can just see Cox in a running suit dancing while wearing a walkman. Can't you?

And with that thought, I end my review of this movie. I really don't have anything else to say about it. It's what we all expected it would be. An awful, boring waste of time, money, and effort.

Avoid.

So what do we have here? A nifty looking opening animation of the Earth and space, gratuitous lame Amy Winehouse parody, a lame "10,000 BC" parody, character falling face first into a pile of shit, gratuitous "American Gladiators" joke, testicle punching, a joke about the end of the world coinciding with the release date of this movie, gratuitous "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" joke, gratuitous Flava Flav joke, gratuitous Vanessa Minnillo in her underwear, a midget, an ugly woman with a unibrow, gratuitous Dr. Phil joke, eyebrow shaving, a really bad "No Country for Old Men" joke that goes nowhere, a really bad "Superbad" parody, gratuitous Kim Kardashian, a really bad "Wanted" joke, gratuitous Carmen Elektra, gratuitous Kim Kardashian and Carmen Elektra chick fight, gratuitous funny jokes about Juno, a funny song about abortion, selling a child on ebay, a male underwear model, gratuitous "High School Musical" parody that may have worked had we been able to hear what everyone was saying, a dirty looking homeless guy urinating into a punch bowl, a Jonas Brothers joke, shitty underwear, gratuitous Justin Timberlake joke that goes nowhere, a Jessica Simspon joke that goes nowhere, a hot chick in a bikini who shits herself, Kim Kardashian yawns, giant asteroids, gratuitous Hannah Montana joke that goes nowhere, gratuitous Hancock joke that goes nowhere, a Sarah Jessica Parker joke that lands, gratuitous "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" joke, a "Jumper" joke that leads into a Prince Caspian joke for some reason, a high butt crack, body part raining, an AT&T "dropped call" joke that kind of works, gratuitous "Enchanted" jokes, "Step Up" franchise jokes with pregnant character break dancing, gratuitous "Iron Man" joke, gratuitous "Hellboy II" joke, a falling cow, an "Incredible Hulk" joke featuring the Hulk with no testicles, glass beer bottle eating, a "Get Smart" shoe phone joke with shit to the face, boob touching, an "Alvin and the Chipmunks" segment that works, ball biting, neck chewing, baseball bat attack, spine eating, skinned knees, a Head On joke, gratuitous "The Dark Knight" joke, a joke about "The Happening," a "Speed Racer" joke that doesn't work, a Michael Jackson joke that doesn't work, frying pan to the head, mouse trap to the nose, a "Night at the Museum" joke that doesn't work, a "Beowulf" joke that doesn't work, disturbing homophobia, gratuitous "Kung Fu Panda" joke that works for like three seconds, a bamboo stick fight, gratuitous Tony Cox as Indiana Jones, a "The Love Guru" joke that is insane, and a lame as hell "I'm Dating Matt Damon" joke.

Best lines: "You just got Woofed!," "Amy Winehouse?," "Oh, I love to drink gasoline," "I knew I shouldn't have taken all of those Ambien," "Lesbian! Come back here! I like it rough!," "Those guys are trying to steal our booze," "Nice shot, asshole," "Look, everyone, it's Jessica Simpson!," "Oh my God! Hannah Montana is dead!," "I'm lactating. Blue," "Suck on my placenta," Aaah! It's just my sleeve," "I feel left out. No one is biting my flesh. Poo," "Oh, my headache is gone, but I still have that yeast infection. Sour dough anyone?," "These glass slippers are awfully hard to run in," "A magic bong!," "Wait, you fight naked?," "You a dude?," and "Don't make the same mistake your father did. Settle down. There's no cure for herpies I bullshit you not!"

The 411: "Disaster Movie" is exactly the movie we all thought it would be. Terrible. Awful. A travesty. Shit. Garbage. So I bet they'll get a chance to make another one. Someone's got to be making money from these Friedberg/Seltzer abominations.

Final Score:  1.0   [ Extremely Horrendous ]