Drake Bell: Kevin Brewer
Andrew Caldwell: Carter Scott
Kevin Covais: Morris Hooper
Camille Mana: Heather
Haley Bennett: Kendall
Nathalie Walker: Amy
Nick Zano: Teague
Gary Owen: Bearcat
Alona Tal: Gina
Directed By: Deb Hagan
Written By: Dan Callahan and Adam Ellison
Release Date: August 29, 2008
Running Time: 94 minutes
Rated R for pervasive crude and sexual content, nudity, language, drug and alcohol abuse.
Plot Summary (from MGM): “College is the story of three high school seniors who visit a local college campus as prospective freshman anticipating the best weekend of their lives. Once there, the rowdiest fraternity on campus decides to recruit the boys as pledges, subjecting them to endless humiliations, in return for granting them access to the no-holds-barred college party scene. But once the boys catch the eye of some of the older sorority girls, the threatened Frat-boys increase the pre-frosh humiliation and blackmail them by threatening to expose their age. The boys decide to fight back, retaliating with a major revenge scheme that lands them on top. What began as the weekend-from-hell turns into the BEST. WEEKEND. EVER.”
7:30 PM - Arrive at theater. Realize showtimes on imdb.com were not same as inside theater. Heart sinks. Wanted Traitor. Only movie to see is College.
7:45 PM - Previews start. Have seen Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist trailer half dozen times. Still laugh at head butt scene.
7:55 PM - Commencement of feature presentation. Overly fancy opening credits roll. Worry that they’re only creative aspect of piss poor titled College.
7:59 PM - Story finally starts. Focuses on three friends: the unknown nice guy (Kevin – Drake Bell), the American Idol nerd (Morris –Kevin Covais), and the Jonah Hill looking fat kid (Carter – Andrew Caldwell). Nice guy is dumped by prissy girlfriend. Results in college visit in order to party and get laid. ::Stops to count how many times this same premise has been used:: Not enough fingers or toes.
8:05 PM - Jonah Hill kid begs for laughs by being cruel to everyone. Pours orange juice on cereal. One audience member laughs. Complains about Of Mice and Men sounding gay. Same audience members laughs again. Would be the sole person responding to the movie's jokes.
8:10 PM - Nerd kid is anal about partying at college. Has scholarship interview. Only one way that sub-plot can end.
8:13 PM - Friends drive around college campus. Fat kid hits on girls and requests that they fart in can so he can keep their odors. Fat kid's relative is a legacy at a certain frat. Yay.
8: 17 PM - Original ordinary dorm buddy of nerd was busy masturbating. Frat only option for sleep.
8:20 PM - Trio approaches clichéd fraternity. All frat guys look 10 years older than they should. Reviewer spots the Will Ferrell Old School character named Bearcat. Dude named Teague is main frat villain. Oozes lameness.
8:22 PM - Teague has 3 friends stay in "Dungeon." Room crawls with rats and large pipes. Reviewer thinks of his money being flushed down toilet. Could have bought a DVD at Best Buy.
8:30 PM - Frat boys send high school friends to special party. Ends up being a homosexual party with a game called boner tag. Reviewer chuckles mildly. Hopes no one heard.
8:33 PM - Kevin, Carter, and Morris return to normal frat party. Kevin hit with balloon full of pee (Reviewer to suggest showing College as torture to prisoners). Friends endure ridiculous hazing. Punishment includes consuming alcohol after it is poured down Bearcat's hairy a$$ crack. Reviewer notes new low to gross out humor. Friends drink more in one montage than most humans do in a year. Real people would have been dead .
8:39 PM - Party continues with Jonah Hill kid enjoying some hanky panky. Scores with hot girl that would NEVER give him the time of day. Reviewer becomes angrier than he thought capable after this plot development.
8:44 PM - Next morning. Friends must clean frat house. Turds, condoms, and disgusting trash galore. Director Deb Hagan’s goal: make audience saw “ewww.” Possibly “ohhhh” as well.
8:45 PM - American Idol nerd cleans Teague’s car. Is shocked and ecstatic to locate pornographic films and magazines. Reviewer wonders what kind of loser would keep porn on display in a car.
8:50 PM - High school trio stumbles into charity body wash. Hot college women strip in public. Reviewer dismisses urge to ambush projectionist.
9:00 PM - Friends pleased that three attractive women want them. Discover that frat boys stole their credit cards. Among purchases: Verne Troyer, Penthouse Pets, neon lights, expensive food, and so on. Reviewer writes note to find out what credit card has such a high limit.
9:05 PM - Reviewer almost loses composure to quality of parties in College. Knows that these types of parties only occur in movies.
9:10 PM - Observes dull nature of performances. Every cast member weak imitation. No depth to be found.
9:12 PM - Reviewer ponders number of American Idol fans that bought tickets for Kevin Covais. Failed singer was in wrong place at wrong time when he signed on to this role.
9:15 PM - Reviewer recalls handicapped frat member. Remembers scene where fellow frat brothers deliberately injure kid, tape it, and laugh. Movie tries to make the horrible damages of others funny. Reviewer has no remorse for rating.
9:20 PM - Reviewer questions whether or not screenwriters Dan Callahan and Adam Ellison ever graduated high school. Maturity, subtlety, and uniqueness not in their vocabulary.
9: 25 PM - Reminded of endless excrement, vomit, and other bodily fluids used as attempts at comedy. Picture the many toilets in film. College was better left at the bottom of any one of them. Urge potential ticket buyers to watch grass grow instead.
9:30 PM - Movie mercifully ends. Reviewer contemplates what joys he missed due to tolerating College for over 90 minutes . Gleefully skips to car as free man.
The 411: I was curious if a film worse than The Love Guru and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan would rear its head. That has happened with College. Now, I hate the National Lampoon’s line of Direct-to-DVD fare, but what makes this worse is that it is a National Lampoon crapfest without that company's stamp. It tries so hard to be Animal House and Superbad that it never succeeds in reaching either. The performances are lackluster and lame, the plot is hackneyed and preposterous, and the humor was nothing but crass, foul, and worn out. This is the worst and most atrocious film I have seen so far this year. It debuted at #15 at the box office for a reason. Avoid at all costs.
Posted By: Macbeth (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 12:31 AM
He said to avoid at all costs! STupid!
Posted By: PerrY (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 01:30 AM
There's a great review of this movie on Wikipedia
Posted By: appl_jacks (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 03:18 AM
College is supposed to be to the 2000's what Animal House is to the 70's, Revenge of the Nerds to the 80's, American Pie to the 90's.
Signed, Hyperbole
Posted By: Jim Rome (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 03:31 AM
It would have been more helpful if this was an actual review and not a timeline of the movie. Has 411's standards dropped so low that they take just anybody now?
Posted By: Guest#5959 (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 07:40 AM
Moron.
Posted By: To Perry (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 08:36 AM
Watch Superbad instead.
Posted By: MBD (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 11:40 AM
Perry misses the joke by a mile...
Macbeth wins this round...
Posted By: Travis (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 11:56 AM
What? i think you guys are seriously starting to loose it with your reviews and become more like critics. you sell outs. I mean a 1.0? come on
Posted By: Guest#0981 (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Wow, I saw the movie and I didn't think it was nearly as bad I actually liked it. I think you despised it so much becauseyou planned on seeing something else. Again, the movie was not the bad.
Posted By: Bobby (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 12:33 PM
To PerrY:
Sarcasm is totally lost on you, isn't it?
Posted By: mrw420 (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 12:54 PM
Old School was the college movies of th 2000s, if you ask me that is.
Posted By: DANIEL BALDWIN (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 01:00 PM
When will people understand that College is NOT like this what so ever. Yes there are parties in college but NOT nearly as wild as they portray in these kind of movies
Posted By: natedoggcata (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 04:05 PM
Chad Webb has standards
signed
Beggars can be choosers
Posted By: Jim Rome (Guest) on September 04, 2008 at 05:11 PM
"It would have been more helpful if this was an actual review and not a timeline of the movie. Has 411's standards dropped so low that they take just anybody now?"
from the sounds of it, there is really no way to convey accurately how bad this movie is until such time as a computer monitor is able to defecate onto your keyboard.
personally, i can't imagine having to sit through this movie and then having enough brain cells left to actually try and write a review of it.
Posted By: Darth Mortis (Registered) on September 04, 2008 at 05:39 PM
"It tries so hard to be Superbad... that it never succeeds..."
Wow, reaching for the bottom and failing.
"the humor was nothing but crass, foul, and worn out."
Wait, now you are making it sound like Superbad.
Superbad is easily the most over rated movie EVER.
Posted By: matrix1004 (Guest) on September 05, 2008 at 02:32 PM
i challenge matrix 1004 and that damned darth mortis to a gentlemans deul
Posted By: 411 manias enemy (Guest) on September 06, 2008 at 08:03 AM
Not too bright are ya, Perry?
Posted By: Guest#3085 (Guest) on September 11, 2008 at 12:05 AM
