Luna is debuting as Shawn's manager. It wouldn't last long before she left for Bam Bam Bigelow and was replaced by Diesel. Long wrestling sequence to start. Michaels avoids a charge and comes off the top rope into an armdrag. Tatanka chops him to the floor. Michaels comes back with a sunset flip off the top for two. Tatanka delivers an atomic drop and DDT. They go into a long sequence with Tatanka holding an armbar. Michaels misses a charge and rams his shoulder into the ringpost. Tatanka catches him and delivers a shoulderbreaker. Tatanka goes up for the chop off the top, but Shawn catches him with a crescent kick. Shawn tosses him over the top. Luna tries to take a cheapshot, but Sherri stops her. Shawn comes off the apron with a clothesline. Back in, Shawn gets two off a neckbreaker. A standing dropkick gets two more. Michaels botches a Victory Roll but still gets two. He tries it again, but Tatanka counters to an Electric Chair Drop. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Tatanka misses an elbow. Michaels starts delivering double ax-handles, but Tatanka no-sells. Michaels misses a dropkicks and gets slingshot into the ropes. Tatanka gets two. Michaels slips over his shoulder and gets two off a schoolboy. He comes off the top right into a powerslam. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Michaels throws Tatanka to the outside in desperation. He tries another dive off the apron, but Tatanka ducks sending Michaels into the ring steps. Michaels gets counted out to save the title at 18:15. Really long, given their position on the card. **1/2
The Headshrinkers (w/Afa) vs. The Steiner Bros.
Scott and Fatu (Rikishi) start out trading blows. Steiner flips him over with a clothesline. The Steiners delivers double clotheslines off the top rope. Back in, Scott gets dumped on his head as Samu tries to clothesline him on the top rope while Fatu is pulling them down. Steiner plays face-in-peril for a bit. Scott spikes Fatu's head into the mat, but Fatu no-sells and superkicks him in the chest. Famu finally misses a headbutt, enabling Scott to make the hot tag to Rick. Rick come in and backdrops Fatu. He makes the mistake of ramming their heads together. They no-sell and double headbutt him. The Headshrinkers go for a Doomsday Device, but Rick counters to a belly-to-belly suplex in mid-air. That should have been the match. Instead, Rick tags to Scott who hits Samu with the Frankensteiner for the win at 14:23. **1/4
Crush vs. Doink the Clown.
Evil Doink is really cool. For some reason, they decided to turn him face, and it ruined the gimmick. Then he was just…a clown. This Doink is played by Matt Bourne (the real Doink). Crush is Bryan Adams, formerly of Demolition and futurely of the nWo and Kronik. He dominates with power moves early. He delivers a backbreaker, but Doink snaps his neck off the top rope. He piledrives Crush and mocks the crowd. Crush gets his boot up to block something off the top rope. Crush clotheslines him over the top. Doink tries to crawl under the ring. Crush catches him, drags him back in, and press slams him. Crush goes for the Kona Krush, but Doink elbows the referee. Crush squeezes Doink's head like some giant green pimple. Suddenly, Doink #2 (possibly Steve Lombardi) comes out of the back and hits Crush with a plaster cast. The first Doink covers for the win at 8:28. *1/4
Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund.
Ramon overpowers Backlund and taunts him. Bobby comes back with some leg sweeps. Razor slams him down and stomps him. Backlund delivers a few weak hiptosses but misses a dropkick. He Butterfly Suplexes Ramon and delivers an atomic drop. Ramon falls to the apron, but Bobby slings him back in. Ramon pops up and small packages him for the surprise win at 3:45. Bizarre clash in styles in a squash where the guy didn't even get squashed. 1/2*
Recap of Jimmy Hart having a crisis of conscience only to have Money Inc. turn on him and demolishes Brutus Beefcake's face.
Tag Team Championship: Money Inc. vs. The Mega-Maniacs (w/Jimmy Hart).
Hogan's left eye is bruised. I don't remember why, but I want to say scuba diving. Money Inc. isolates Beefcake early. I'm so buff. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE! Dibiase tries a double ax-handle, but Beefcake's protective mask hurts him. Dibiase rams his head into the turnbuckle to no effect. Beefcake returns the favor and tags to Hogan. Hogan dominates Dibiase and threatens the referee. The Maniacs do the same doubleteam ax-handle to much greater effect. Dibiase bounces back and forth like a pinball until Hogan clotheslines him to the floor. Irwin comes in and goes right back out as well. The champs try to leave and retain the titles, but the ref declares that if they don't return, they forfeit the titles. Dibiase goes to Hogan's throat once they get back in the ring. Irwin unties the tag rope and uses it to choke Hogan. That goes on for a while until Dibiase slaps on the Million Dollar Dream. Hogan fades before making the requisite comeback. Beefcake comes in behind the ref's back and puts Dibiase out with the sleeper hold. Now, Hogan and Dibiase are both out. That's actually a pretty cool spot, even if it is played for laughs. Hot tag to Beefcake. BEEFCAKE! He knocks IRS down with a high knee and sends Dibiase over the top. Dibiase sneak attacks with the metal briefcase to turn the tide once again. Dibiase rips Beefcake's mask off and starts punching him in the face. Money Inc. misses a double swing, and Beefcake takes them both down with a flying clothesline. He puts IRS in the sleeper. Dibiase attacks them from behind, knocking the referee down as well. Hogan and Dibiase both tag in. Hogan with the big boot. He blasts both men with the mask. Jimmy Hart climbs in, reverses his jacket to the striped side and counts three. Danny Davis runs down and disqualifies the Maniacs for using the mask at 18:52. Jimmy Hart tosses Davis over the top. Interesting when you consider their history. The match is…not so good. *3/4
Mr. Perfect vs. The Narcissist.
I enjoy Luger's entrance. Not so much for him, but for his valets. That's some high quality assage right there. Not that Luger isn't a great piece of ass. It's just not for me. Perfect punches him in the gut and kneelifts him. A dropkick sends Luger to the outside. Back in, Luger cheapshots him. Perfect catches his foot and slaps him right in the face. He delivers a nice legbreaker and goes after Luger's knee. He goes old school with a spinning toehold. To the corner for an ECHOING CHOP! Luger reverses a whip, sending Perfect into the turnbuckle for the Hennig Bump. Luger works the back, but Perfect makes the comeback with a series of rights. Luger gets two, but the ref sees his feet on the ropes. A powerslam gets two. Perfect gets two on a sunset flip and goes for a sleeper. Savage on the sleeper: I didn't know he knew that hold. Yeah. He learned it in the Orient in the deepest, darkest caves of the Ninja Lao Tse Fat after he was injured in Vietn---IT'S A FUCKING SLEEPER! Anyway, Perfect backdrops him and whips him to the turnbuckle for a Bret Bump. He slingshots him into the turnbuckle and delivers a pair of forearms. He blocks an atomic drop and delivers another forearm reminiscent of his father Larry "the Ax" Hennig. It only gets two. Lex kicks out after a neckbreaker. A missile dropkick gets two. Luger blocks a backslide and gets his own for the win 10:45 (despite the fact that Perfect's feet were on the ropes). **
That's not enough for Luger, though. He knocks Perfect out with a forearm shot. When Perfect recovers, he chases Luger to the outside where Shawn Michaels blindsides him and leaves him laying in a pile of garbage.
Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Giant Gonzales (w/Harvey Whippleman).
Gonzales' big advantage was that he wasn't afraid of the Undertaker. That and he was taller. Big staredown. Taker punches him back. Gonzales grabs him by the face, but Taker goes up for the Ropewalk Forearm. Gonzales delivers a lowlbow. Nothing much happens for a while. Gonzales locks in a chinlock. Taker fights out of it, but Gonzales throws him to the outside. Gonzales whips him to the ringsteps. Taker makes the Zombie comeback with rights. Gonzales sells the punches like Paris Hilton trying to do math in her head. Taker goes after Whippleman, so Gonzales headbutts Bearer and whips out an chloroform-soaked rag. He smothers the Taker to death for the DQ at 7:32. Some refs come out to help Taker to the back, so Gonzales takes them out too. Taker's carcass is taken to the back as Gonzales gloats about his attempted homicide. Suddenly, the gong sounds and Taker comes staggering back to the ring. He takes Gonzales down with a trio of flying clotheslines. Gonzales is escorted out by security. Worst match in Mania history. Taker goes 3-0 in WrestleManias. O
Recap of Yokozuna squashing Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
Elsewhere, Hulk Hogan challenges the winner of the WWF Title Match.
WWF World Heavyweight Title: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji).
Bret sprints into an early dropkick. He tries some mounted punches, but Yoko just shoves him away. Bret tries a waistlock, but Yoko sloughs him off and steamrolls him to the outside. Bret ties Yoko's foot in the ropes and slingshots on top of him. Yoko comes back and slowly dominates him, including a HUGE legdrop. Yoko with a nerve hold. He whips Bret to the turnbuckle. Bret gets his boot up to block a charge and bulldogs him off the second rope. That gets two. Yoko cuts off the comeback with a crescent kick. Yoko tries to avalanche him, but Bret bulldogs him again. Yoko kicks out at two. Diving elbow gets two. A flying clothesline staggers Yoko. Bret gets the Hart Attack clothesline (neckbreaker drop). That gets two. Yoko catches him in the corner, but Bret pulls the turnbuckle pad off on his way down. Yoko tries to send him into the buckle, but Bret blocks and sends Yoko's face into it. Bret locks in an awkward Sharpshooter. Fuji sneaks up and throws salt in Bret's eyes. Yoko covers for the win and the title at 8:55. Not what you'd call good, but smartly and logically booked. *3/4
Hulk Hogan comes down to "check on" Bret. Mr. Fuji is an idiot so he challenges Hogan on the spot. Hogan accepts.
WWF Heavyweight Title: Yokozuna vs. Hulk Hogan.
Fuji tries to throw salt in Hogan's eyes but hits Zuna instead. Hogan disposes of Fuji, clotheslines Yoko and delivers the legdrop for the win and the title at :30. O
Final Thoughts: Well, it started out well enough with HBK bumping around like madman and the Steiners having a fun (if sloppy) match with the Headshrinkers. After that, though, it was all downhill. Gonzales really had no business being near a ring and Taker was not the man to carry him. Bret did his best to get a good match out of Yoko despite the clash in styles. I think he did the best that he could, given the situation. The Hogan nonsense is just unfathomable — not because I hate Hogan — but it would be like Brock Lesnar coming back this week and getting the title at WrestleMania. Hogan had no desire to stay, but didn't want to be out of the spotlight either. Putting the title on him at all, let alone at the biggest show of the year, is sheer insanity. History has already judged this the worst WrestleMania, and I'm not one to argue.