Under the Scalpel 04.16.09: Eminem, K.I.G, Metallica, Pink and More!

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 04.16.2009

Eminem has gone from being a cutting-edge, controversial rapper to a circus ringleader who sounds like he's reading the National Enquirer to a group of ten-year-old boys. K.I.G starts a dance craze across the UK with a song that goes well with diapers, stuffed animals and zwieback. Plus, short reviews of Earshot, Metallica, Pink, Sevendust and more. These biased reviews are proudly brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless prick from the hard rock band that WAS supposed to open for Korn next month – A Simple Complex.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. Download three free tracks that will rock your panties off at www.asimplecomplex.com

Eminem – We Made You
Underwhelming

I don't want it to be over, but listening to Eminem's latest two singles is a bit like shaking hands with your ex-girlfriend after agreeing to just be friends. Sure, you'll see each other again, but it won't be the same.

In 1999, Em dropped my jaw off a 50-foot cliff. After a harsh breakup and a suicide attempt, the rapper hit rock bottom and created an alter-ego named Slim Shady that could say anything, no matter how brutally offensive, and turn it into a sick joke that left half of the planet amazed and the other protesting. His comically outrageous lyrics on his major label debut, The Slim Shady LP, sent shockwaves that rivaled comedian George Carlin and radio personality Howard Stern.

Everything was fair game. Lyrics were riddled with vile jokes about raping lesbians, underage girls, and strangers at the Laundromat. Nothing was off-limits as he mercilessly poked fun at deserving targets like Lauryn Hill and Vanilla Ice, as well as undeserving victims of tragedy like Christopher Reeve and Ron Goldman. The album even featured a song filled with baby talk as he asks his young daughter to help him dump her own mother's carcass into the ocean after killing her during a domestic dispute.

Homophobia, misogyny, and senseless violence to self and others were presented in a Quentin Tarantino-meets-Beavis-and-Butthead style form of entertainment, leaving the audience questioning their sanity while chuckling at his deplorable remarks.

Unfortunately, since then Em has been slowly losing his bitter edge, becoming more of a goofy class clown on each subsequent release. Songs now generally either complain about success or take tabloid-style potshots at whoever happens to be in the headlines at the time.

With "We Made You," his transition from ‘shock' to ‘mock' is complete – no longer scandalous but just plain silly – as Em raps about pee-pee and bum-bums, complete with fart noises and belching.

Sure, I could list all of the celebrities Em disses this time, like every other music columnist on the Internet right now, but unfortunately I'm too disinterested as I wait for a worthwhile punch line that never arrives in the song's mediocre dialogue. He sounds more like a circus ringleader reading the National Enquirer to a group of 10-year-old boys than an MC at this point.

Even his music has become what he once derided. "We Made You" is clearly a pop song with its cheesy melody, complete with an annoying horn section. Easily mistaken for a Pink, Britney Spears or Lilly Allen cut, it doesn't even feel like hip hop anymore. Remove the vocal tracks and this song is closer to a tune from the Chicago movie soundtrack than a dope jam.

Nothing in "We Made You" (or "Crack A Bottle," or "I'm Having A Relapse," or any other Relapse-related tracks I've heard thus far) have left any lasting impression on me. The music no longer lampoons pop music. It is pop music. The lyrics have become adolescent and routine.

I hope something else on Relapse, or its scheduled follow-up album, saves Em from the cut-out bin at the CD shops. His slapstick shtick has become predictable, puerile and played out.

If You Like: 3OH3!, Aqua, Biz Markie, Bloodhound Gang
Rating: ** (2 out of 5).

K.I.G – Head, Shoulders, Kneez & Toez
Nap Time

Like I said earlier, organized group dances make me want to wretch. A bunch of drunken fumblefeet trying to find the beat and synchronize their actions is pathetic to me. I imagine that's why artists are making these group dances easier and easier to do.

Back when the Electric Slide ruled the floor, there was an exact routine that had to be followed involving hand movements, turns, and steps to avoid looking like an uncoordinated buffoon (as opposed to looking like a coordinated buffoon). The Chicken Dance involves making body moves and gestures alternated with forming a moving circle. These dances require a hint of intelligence and trace amounts of dexterity.

Then the Macarena came along and simplified group dancing to just body moves and a quarter turn. No need to worry about where you are supposed to go to next, just stand in one place and do the moves.

Nowadays, group dancing has been reduced to wiggling your leg (GS Boyz's "Stanky Legg") or hopping while pointing (Soulja Boy Tell 'Em's "Superman"). You have to be beyond stupid to screw these "dances" up. I can see it now: "Oh I'm supposed to wiggle my leg when I do the Stanky Legg? I was wiggling my arm. Let me try it again."

It's no secret that a lot of these organized dances quickly become big hits and are an easy way for a new artist to successfully launch a career in the music business. K.I.G's song is no exception. It is responsible for the latest dance craze that's sweeping the UK. The dance? "Head, Shoulders, Kneez and Toez."

And when I say that this dance is sweeping the nation, I'm not referring to daycare centers and preschools. It's actually a hit at dance clubs.

A man with a heavy Caribbean and British accent spends three solid minutes directing grown men and women to touch their head, their shoulders, their knees and then their toes no less than 26 times. By the end of the song, I crave a Barney stuffed animal and some zwieback.

It's funny how teenagers and young adults put much effort into shedding the image of being a little kid. Then they go out to a club to celebrate turning 21 by getting sloshed and dancing to "Head, Shoulders, Kneez and Toez." Talk about coming around full circle!

If I didn't already know this was a K.I.G song, I would've assumed this was the return of Snap, the 1990s group known best for their shoplifted song "The Power." The electronic beats and keyboard stabs in "Head, Shoulders, Kneez & Toez" could also be easily mistaken for any of Technotronic's songs, like "Pump Up The Jam," "Move This," and "Get Up (Before The Night Is Over)," which, by the way, all sound exactly the same.

Several other repetitive, mind-numbing club hits from the 1990s also come to mind while listening to K.I.G's track, such as 2 in a Room's "Wiggle It," Tag Team's "Whoomp! There It Is," and Quad City DJ's "C'mon N' Ride It (The Train)" to name only a few.

"Heads Heads Heads Heads Heads,
Shoulders Shoulders Shoulders,
Heads Heads Heads Heads Heads,
Shoulders Shoulders Shoulders,
Heads Heads Heads Heads Heads,
Shoulders Shoulders Shoulders,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Ladies, let me see you get down low,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes…"

This song has been on the UK Top 75 for four weeks, peaking at #18. And that is why I'm releasing a club remix of "I'm A Little Teapot," featuring a group dance that ends with a nice crotch grab during the line "Here is my spout." See you on the charts.

If You Like: 2 in a Room, C&C Music Factory, Snap, Tag Team, Technotronic
Rating: * (1 out of 5)

The Six Pack: A half dozen quick song reviews in an easy-to-carry cooler!

1. Atlas Plug – 2 Days Or Die
No lyrics, but big on electronic beats, buzzing synths, metal guitars, and vocal samples. Add this track to your collection right away if you dig songs like Crystal Method's "Name Of The Game," Chemical Brothers' "Block Rockin' Beats," and Lunatic Calm's "Leave You Far Behind."

If You Like: Chemical Brothers, Crystal Method, Meat Beat Manifesto, Prodigy
Rating: **** (4 out of 5)

2. Earshot – Missunderstood
The band that started off sounding like A Perfect Circle, Deftones, and Grinspoon keeps trying to break into the mainstream. This lead single from their third album is not as raw and heavy as the material from their debut, and it's not as catchy as their sophomore album's hit song "Wait." But, it's still a pretty good track worth cranking up.

If You Like: Chevelle, Red
Rating: **** (4 out of 5)

3. Metallica – Cyanide
Yeah, so they remembered how to write seven minute songs, include some old-school thrash riffs, and stop on a dime together. That doesn't mean their attempted return to glory resulted in great songs. More like a bad photocopy of themselves. "Cyanide" sounds like an outtake from 1987 that landed on the cutting room floor. If you even bother with this song, do yourself a favor and find the "cutted" version of this song, created by a fan who "just wanted a new album by Metallica that I could listen to without getting irritated by some lame lyrics or ploddy riffs that go nowhere for three minutes before turning into something cool." At least they ditched the trash can snare, right?

If You Like: Machine Head, Slayer, Testament
Rating: *** (3 out of 5)

4. One Day As A Lion – One Day As A Lion
Can't tell if this song is being released as a single proper yet, but it has been my favorite song for months now. Rage Against The Machine's vocalist Zack De La Rocha teamed with Mars Volta drummer Jon Theodore equals pure audio adrenaline. Politically-charged raps over fat, overmodulated drum beats and harsh, buzzing keyboards makes One Day As A Lion the Rage of the new millennium. "Are you a minuteman? Wait a minute, man. Talk like that might limit your life span!"

If You Like: Beastie Boys (1992-1995), Downset, Rage Against The Machine, Stuck Mojo (1995-2000)
Rating: ***** (5 out of 5)

5. Pink – Sober
"Sober" is a song about the party girl who is tired of being the booty call. Pink laments, "I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning, ‘cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home." She struggles with forsaking the instant gratification of being liquored up and used for a good time in hopes of creating a better life, but her insecurities continue to get the best of her. "But how do I feel this good sober?" Even though I won't be adding it to my personal collection, if you like harder-edged pop with a heartfelt message, this song is worth your while.

If You Like: Avril Lavigne, Christina Aguilera, Gwen Stefani
Rating: **** (4 out of 5)

6. Sevendust – Inside
The band's latest single is the opening track from their latest album. It starts out great, builds up in intensity, and explodes into righteous heavy metal. Unfortunately, the chorus arrives and takes this song down two full notches. Yawn. Total loss of momentum. Better luck next time, guys.

If You Like: Godsmack, Staind (1996-1999), Stone Sour
Rating: *** (3 out of 5)