The Raw Addict 4.19.09: Rraaaaaaarrrgh!!!

Posted by Phil Watts, Jr on 04.19.2009

“THE DOG‘S GONNA GETCHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” I go over one of the most unintentionally hilarious albums of all time!

Several months ago I was emailing Evocator Manes about a few albums that I was looking for. For some reason, I asked him about two albums in particular. Luckily (…), Evo had both albums and was more than happy to send them to me…actually, his attitude was pretty much, "PLEASE TAKE THEM!!! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!!"

The albums I ask for were TIM DOG's first two albums, PENICILIN ON WAX & DO OR DIE. Evo told me that he had no clue why he even had them taking space in his shelf because they both were 100% pure shit. Me? I thought these shits were funny as hell, especially PENICILIN. So I decided to have some fun with the first one. So here it is…


"A MESSAGE TO NWA: No matter how hard you think you are, this is what me and my circle of friends THE WHOLE WORLD thinks about you!"

After firing this shot, Tim Dog jacks NWA's "Real Niggaz Don't Die" and tries to diss them on their own track: "I done STOLED your muthafuckin' beat and made it BETTER, to show the WHOLE WORLD that y'all ain't nothing' but a bunch a PUSSIIIIEEESS!!!" [A little side note: As dumb as most of the lyrics look in print, trust me, it actually sounds funnier hearing it straight from him, mainly because of his slurry voice.] This is followed by a bunch of knuckleheads talking about how much they hate NWA, including one guy who would love nothing more then to "FUCK THEM DUDES IN THE ASS!", some chick complaining about Eazy E's "Little-ass dick!", and some fool who has a real nice deal on some Jheri Curl Activator! You could tell none of it was serious.

"You niggaz don't understand
Instead of beating up on women, you need to be a MAN---"

For those of you that don't know, there was a little Hip-Hop TV show called PUMP IT UP, which was hosted by a chick named Dee Barnes. One day, Dee was interviewing Ice Cube, who took the time to call out his former bandmates (since Cube's breakup from NWA was pretty ugly). Dre tried to justify his THUG and let out his frustrations caused by what Cube said by beating up…Dee Barnes. This was followed by an MTV News interview with Eazy E saying "THE BITCH DESERVED IT", with MC Ren hoping "it happens again." Tim was probably like, "Hold up--this is supposed to be HARD?! I'm supposed to be impressed that they beat up chicks over what some dude said about them? That ain't HARD--that's some pussy shit!" Say what you want about Tim, but Dre needed to get checked on that one.

Another factor in his war on the West has to do with when he tried to get a record deal. The record exec wanted him to sound more WEST COAST. The final straw was when the exec tried to get Tim to wear a JHERI CURL! You could just imagine how that meeting went (complete with middle-aged white guy exec with cornball-ass voice!) I guess they figured that anything was better than walking around with that played-out box-cut that he was sporting at the time!

He also questions why all these West Coast rappers wore Raiders caps when the Giants won the SuperBowl!

"Low Down Nigga"

One thing that has to be said is that Ultramagnetic MC's hooked this album up with some hard shit. That group was vastly underrated when it came to their contributions to Hip-Hop beatmaking. They made sure to giving him suitable beats to give him that hard gritty atmosphere for him to act hard in. Not much else to say about it, as Tim just uses it to show everyone how HARD he is and try to get lyrical.

After that, we're treated to the comedic stylings of the late great Robin "BeBe's Kids" Harris: "FUCK COMPTON! That's why the costs of living are going UP while the CHANCES of living are going DOWN!!" Which leads us to…

"FUCK COMPTON!!!"

Here it is. The song that started it all.

While territorial wars were never anything new in Hip-Hop (Bronx vs. Queensbridge, anyone?), this was the first time someone declared war on a whole coast. In this song, Tim not only disses members of NWA, he also questions the whole concept of the Bloods and the Crips:

"Having that gang war/I wanna know what you're fighting for/fighting over COLORS?/all that gang shits for DUMB MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!" [for more effect, it's best to read those last two words like you're throwing a hissy-fit!]

From there, Tim gets comical, talking about fucking Dre-protégé Michel'le in the bathroom (check his hilarious impersonation of her). Then he makes a ridiculous attempt at rhyming like Big Daddy Kane to end the song:

"So whether you think that I'm just a myth
That riff, the lift, the gift, the if, the fifth'
The shift, the spliff, that's in control, to hold
To fold, to bold and make an ache and take and fake
WOOOH---and I'm still great"

That doesn't even make sense.

Anyway, Tim does a skit where he runs up on DJ Quik. Figuring that he's just getting warmed up, he sends a message that if any rapper was offended by that last song, there's one thing you can do:

"STEP TO ME!!!"

Again, the beat is ill as fuck. Ultramag outdid themselves here. This is a good beat for anyone to go on the warpath with. However, it's Tim on the warpath with the west again.

Tim is a little careful in picking his targets this time, biggin up Ice Cube for dumpin' NWA, and biggin' up Ice T. Other than that, the rest can fuck themselves, and DJ Quik slob his meat-sock.

Ironically, years later, Ice Cube would sip on the same wack-juice Tim was on and take part in that WESSSSSIIIIIIDE Connection shit and call out East Coast rappers like Common…even though he's from Chicago. Of course, we all know how that turned out.

"Bronx Nigga!!"

This is another track where Tim just shows everybody how HARD he is. The first verse has Tim killing some fool for taking his little brother's bike. The first thing I thought of when I heard that was FRIDAY! The second verse has Tim fuckin' some random chick. The third has him killin' some POLICE, because LA ain't the only place with cop problems.

"YOU AIN'T SHIT!"

I couldn't find any audio or any song lyrics for this one, so fuck it…

In this song, Tim takes a break from running up on West Coast rappers, and decides to lash out at WACK MC'S. However, unlike most songs attacking wack fools, Tim names names:

"Rappers like KID 'N' PLAY!! Rappers like KWAME!!
Rappers like YOUNG MC with nothing to say!
BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!! BULLSHIT!!
Ain't no way you can tell me that's a hit!!!

Take a nigga like MC HAMMER
A wack-ass rapper but a dope-ass dancer
But still he wins RAP AWARDS!!!"

He then takes aim at CONSCIOUS HIP-HOP

"Everybody wants to be in a Hip-Hop TRIBE
Talking that PEACE shit, that BLACK shit
That WEAK shit, EXACT SHIT
Talking 'bout RED BLACK & GREEN
That's cool--but gimme the GREEN
And while you off preaching to the BROTHERMAN
I'll be at home FUCKIN' HIS GIRLFRIEND!!"

Then he gives props to Public Enemy…and makes a pathetic attempt at a conscious joint ("I Ain't Takin' No Shorts") directly afterward. The irony.

Yes, there was an onslaught of wack shit back then…however, Tim has made some contributions to that shit himself (re-read his BDK attempt that he ended "FUCK COMPTON" with.)

I'm going to cut Kid N Play a little slack. THEY WERE NOT THAT BAD…at least for what they were. They were just a group that wanted to make people dance. Listen to Kid N Play joints like "Energy", "Gittin' Funky", and "Bounce". You mean to tell me that DANCING shouldn't be a part of HIP-HOP? Why do you think they even CALL it HIP-HOP in the first place?!

…and don't front like YOU didn't try to do that leg-hop move yourself!

After going off on other MC‘s being BULLSHIT-BULLSHIT-BULLSHIT, he makes two laughable attempts at going LYRICAL and METAPHORICAL with "I'll Wax Anybody" and "Can't Fuck Around", the latter which he actually syarts his verse off with "sufferin succotash!" But if you thought they were bad, you haven't heard NOTHING until you face his ULTIMATE Tour De Force on ‘lyricism'…


"THE DOG'S GONNA GETCHA!"

Since I couldn't find the lyrics to this…‘song' on any of the rap lyric sites, I took it upon myself to write them down myself (the things I do for you people…) Now let it be known that I did not make up any of these lyrics. He actually got in the booth, started YELLING, GRUNTING AND SCREAMING (hence the CAPS LOCK), and thought this it was the hardest, realest shit he ever wrote.

Yeah…
Yeaah…
Yeaaah…

Pick em up pick em up pick em up
Pick up another wack rapper and stick em up--vic em up
Suckas get in my way
I don't play so you're gonna get slayed
You wanna COME AND COME AND COME AND COME
COME ON BUM AND COME AND GET SOME
YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM
GODDAMN--GIMME A HAND
I'M THE MAN--I'M THE MAN--I'M THE MAN
WITH THE LYRICAL HARDCORE PLAN--GODDAMN!!
SUCKAS WANNA TAKE ME OUT BREAK ME OUT
BUT CAN'T MAKE ME OUT
TO BE A WACK MC AND THAT'S GARBAGE
TIM DOG AIN'T GOIN' OUT LIKE THAT--BLACK
MATTER OF FACT, COME BACK
I'LL BE WAITING WITH A BASEBALL BAT
I'MA SMACK YA IN YOUR DOME
AND I'MA SEND YOUR ASS BACK HOME
I WANT YOU TO GET THE PICTURE--
CUZ THE DOG'S GONNA GETCHA!!!

YEAH!!
YEAAH!!
YEAAAH!!
YEAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAAH!!

USE ME
CONFUSE ME
YOU MUST BE STUPID!!
SNIFFIN DOPE--SMOKIN CRACK
HOW COULD I EVER BE WACK
AIN'T THAT RIGHT BLACK?
CUZ I'M THE DOG BABY-BABY!
THE DOG BABY-BABY!
THE DOG BABY-BABY!
THE DOG BABY-BABY!
THE DOG BABY-BABY!
THE DOOOOOG---IT'S TIM DOOOOOG!!!
FREDDY KRUEGER CAN'T FUCK WIT ME!!
AND I'M STARRIN IN HALLOWEEN 3!!
BEWARE YOU WACK MC'S
BOW DOWN ON YOUR MUTHAFUCKIN' KNEES!!
YOU GOTTA GIT THE PICTURE
CUZ THE DOG'S GONNA GETCHAAAA!!

YEAAAAH!
YEAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAH!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!
I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW DOPE I AM!!!
I'M THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MAN!!!
SMACKIN' MC'S WIT ONE HAND
DON'T CRY YOU LITTLE BITCH---BE A MAAAAAAN!!!
DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO
LEARN WHAT YOU GOTTA LEARN
IT'S YOUR CONCERN!!!
BUT IF YOU'RE WACK I'MA COME AND GETCHAAA
CUZ THE DOG'S GONNA GETCHAAAAA!!

YEAAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAAAAH!!
YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!

I'M GONNA GETCHA!!!
I'M GONNA GETCHA!!!!
I'M GONNA GETCHA!!!!!
I'M GONNA GETCHA!!!!!!

I---AM---GONNA---GETCHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grrrrrrrr…

….

….

I'll give you a minute to regain your composure…

…

…

I could picture a little tike named Earl Simmons hearing this for the first time and think to himself…"I want to be a rapper when I grow up!"

Some producer named Blockhead actually thought this song was the "hardest song ever made". J-Zone gave a more accurate description in the late great SCRATCH Magazine: "Just Tim Dog yelling and screaming for 2 minutes!"


"Goin' Wild In The Penile"

Tim, who had to do a bid for runnin' up on some fool from Compton, just got out of prison…and to say that Kool Keith (a.k.a. the Rhythm X) is glad to see him is quite the understatement:

"OH SHIT---IT'S TIM DOG!! YOU LOOKIN' COCK DIESEL!!!!---[| | PAUSE]

After that warm greeting, Tim tells him about all the FUN he had in the penile system. He got to beat up a few people, and he even got himself a few Bay-Bay's to …uh…go wild on his Penile. He makes it all sound like it's as fun as SUMMER CAMP!

"GET OFF THE DICK!"

A couple of chicks start eying the Dog and wants to get some. One of them approaches him:

Chick: YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME FROM LAST YEAR? I gave you my number.

Tim: Oh yeah…wussup? How you doin'?

Chick: HOW COME YOU NEVER CALLED?

Tim: That was like a year ago…and you told me then you didn't have time for a nigga…

Chick: Yo, but that was then---this is now! Times have changed! Yo--you lookin' GOOD, Tim! Think you could TAKE ME TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT?

Tim: …

Upon hearing that, the chick should be lucky that Tim wasn't going to repeat the Dre/Dee Barnes shit on her! He tells that roach to get the fuck outta here with that bullshit! (Only Tim Dog can make the word "ROACH" sound just as inflammatory as "BITCH"!)

"Then I pick up my man Rhythm X…off to get some REAL GOOD SEX!--[| | PAUSE]

OUCH.

Thankfully, Keith makes the save here to end the song on a less ‘subtexty' note: "Yo Tim--let's get the fuck away from these half chicken-fried rice/white castle-eating bitches!" By the way, they did a sequel called "Silly Bitch" (from the DO OR DIE album) which was much funnier.


"I Ain't Having It", with Kool Keith

Tim is back to his ‘pot-calling-keetle-black' war on wack MC's and all this HAPPY SHIT, this time Kool Keith joins in and airs out his frustrations. Kool Keith never shied away from throwing subliminals before (like certain "PETER PIPER" rappers) and he wasn‘t about to stop:

"Yeah…it's been a fuckin' long time
When ULTRA was out, fuckin' everybody knew me
Callin' me--callin' me…buggin' me--buggin' me
Now they don't, now cuz I don't have a hit out
With all this bullshit, this HAPPY WACK SHIT OUT…
Watchin' this village-bound HIPPY RAP [HI, DE LA SOUL!!!]
These cartoon groups with that silly rap
Kickin' those rhymes that say NOTHIN'!"

Of course, to everybody that's offended by that, Keith tells them to "SUCK MY DICK!"

At the end, Tim gets on a podium and gives this rousing speech:

"I want all y'all muthafuckas out there to KISS MY ASS, cuz y'all some WACK MUTHAFUCKAS, YOU KNOW…all you muthafuckas walkin' around focusing on a GIMMICK, wearin' POLKA-DOTS, dying you hair like you got it goin' on. Your shit is WACK!! I'LL TELL IT TO YOUR FACE!! I want you to know that rap is for REAL! Rap is from THE STREETS!!

Rap is nothing you could take to a MARKET and market it as a GIMMICK!!
Rap is nothing you could take to an arena and sell it as a DANCER!!
RAP IS NOTHING YOU COULD PUT IN A MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF TURTLES!!!"

I wondered how long it would take for them to finally mention Vanilla Ice!

One thing I have to mention is this "GIMMICK this GIMMICK that" foolishness. This is another situation where the pot calls the kettle ‘black'. Everybody uses a gimmick to set themselves apart from everybody else. EVERYBODY. Those that say that they don't are LYING TO YOU. The silly polka-dot shit was Kwame's way of setting himself apart from everybody else. Take all the silliness away, and you still have a rapper who wasn't really that bad, and can make some fly beats when he wanted to (and still can!). And then look at TIM--his gimmick is "Tough guy who called out NWA and dissed the West Coast!" Take away NWA, take away the whole HARDCORE image, and what are you left with? A slurry voiced rapper who trips over himself every time he tries to get lyrical! You think he'd have gotten far if he didn't have NWA's buzz to piggy-back off of? If your answer is 'YES', I suggest you read his lyrics again.

…and please, people--ENOUGH about Biggie nailing Kwame's career shut. Remember, he was the same man that told THESE TWO GUYS that they had what it took to be rappers and would wind up replacing those polka-dot suits with JIFFY-POP suits!

"Secret Fantasies"

I skip over "Patriotic Pimp" (ehh…) and get straight to the OBLIGATORY SEX JOINT!

They actually outdid themselves with the track. When people think of bedroom music, the vast majority either think of Marvin Gaye or Barry White. Well, Ced, TR & Moe used both Marvin Gaye ("Mercy Me") and Barry White ("Midnight & You"). They even brought some people in to add a little sax and some wah-wah guitar to help bring out that freaky feel. As if that wasn't enough, Tim Dog even breaks character and sings the hook, sounding like Will Downing!

Tim reminisces of those days when he and his crew used to "Jerking off to porno magazines…watch porno flicks…and dream of bitches in the industry that we'd like to FUCK!" His words, by the way.

This is a preamble to Biggie's "Dreams…", where both Tim and Keith tell you about industry bitches they want to run up in. Kool Keith talks about his fantasy of boning L.A. Reid's wifey PEBBLES. Thing is, he doesn't get anywhere near as freaky as he would get years later with albums like SEX STYLE.

Meanwhile, Tim Dog dreams of meeting EN VOGUE backstage on SOUL TRAIN, and runnin' the train on all four of them…

"Dawn was the FREAKY one….
She wanted me to pee in her face
(so what did you do?)
I PISSED IN HER FACE!!!!!"

…

…

[*PRINT R. KELLY JOKE HERE*]

…and Ced G ends it all with an ode to bukkake (BLURP-BLURP!!)


And that's it.

The impact?

As expected, a lot of West Coast artists took the opportunity to clown on him. Both DJ Quik and MC Eiht, two rappers who have been beefin' with EACH OTHER at the time, took time out of their beef to call out Tim Dog and shit on New York (DJ Quik's "Way 2 Fonky" and MC Eiht's "Who's Fuckin' Who"). Oakland's Rodney O & Joe Cooley did a whole album called FUCK NEW YORK in response to him. And we all know about Dre sicking Snoop on him ("It's ‘FUCK WITH DRE' Day---and everybody's celebrating!") and making him into the answer to a trivia question for THE $20 SACK PYRAMID! Tim (who long since mowed that damn box-cut off his head) tried to respond with songs like Bitch With A Perm", but by then, everybody (east & west) considered him a non-factor. Sadly, despite Tim Dog falling off, the East West war waged on, thanks to the whole Death Row/Bad Boy bullshit…and in the end, I doubt even Tim would've expect that the little war he started would end like this.

Years later, Tim would temporarily replace Ced G in Ultramagnetic to put out the embarrassing BIG TIME. Believe it or not, they're still together…and Tim is STILL TRYING TO RAP!


If you ever see PENICILIN ON WAX in the 99 cent bin or at a pawn shop, GET IT! If you're feeling depressed and want a really good laugh, this album will have you rolling on the floor!

**********

MUSICAL OUTRO

Grand Puba, "360 (What Goes Around)"

Grand Puba is about to release his next album pretty soon (here's hoping it's NOTHING like UNDERSTAND THIS. Ugh--that shit was horrid!), so I decided to look back on his first album, REEL TO REEL. Back then, a lot of magazines hated on it because they thought it was a mistake for him to go solo. Whatever. REEL TO REEL was a classic. Grand Puba was way ahead of his time, from his flow (which was ‘jigged out' way before people used that name for it) to the constant brandishing of brand names (namely Hilfiger). This album basically the SD-50's throwing classic breaks at him and watching him rip it. If you see REEL TO REEL on the shelf, snatch it up immediately.