Under the Scalpel 04.23.09: Black Eyed Peas, Jeremih, U2 & More
Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 04.23.2009
Black Eyed Peas provides music that works only in the presence of clear heels, wiggling tramp stamps, and upside-down single mothers. Jeremih has a birthday present for his special someone a urinary tract infection. Plus reviews of U2, Prince, 10 Years, 3OH3! and more. These biased reviews are proudly brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless prick from the hard rock band that is opening for Korn next month A Simple Complex.
"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex.
If you want to see us perform with Korn in New Hampshire on May 23, get tickets now at www.asimplecomplex.com before the show sells out!
Black Eyed Peas Boom Boom Pow
Background Noise For Wiggling Tramp Stamps
The first time "Boom Boom Pow" came over my car speakers, it didn't last very long. I can only take about a minute of a bland, repetitive club jam before reaching for the dial in need of something else.
Occasionally a dance hit can rope me in with clever lyrics, helping me overlook its uninteresting beat and melodies. This was not the case with the Black Eyed Peas' latest single. Its lyrics are total garbage.
Each member of the group repeats the words "boom" and "pow" a billion times, simply to point out that the song happens to have a beat. And a pretty simple one at that. Other lines include "Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns." Vanilla Ice had wittier lines. And then there's "I'm so 3008. You so 2000 and late." If 3008 is this unexciting and unoriginal, I'm glad I won't be around for it.
I was ready to write "Boom Boom Pow" off as just another bubblegum, here-today-gone-tomorrow waste of time atop Billboard's Hot 100 until last Monday when I heard Howard Stern start discussing the song. He brought up a very good point: this song is perfect for strip clubs.
Suddenly, I was seeing red lights, glitter, shiny poles and clear heels. Everything started falling into place. And something clicked.
The simple beat that I found annoying during an afternoon drive seemed to make more sense as the perfect soundtrack to a wiggling tramp stamp. The predictable synths stopped grating on my eardrums and felt smoother, silkier and sexier.
The pointless lyrics now felt like they did have a point: being easy to ignore. Superfluous banter about 808s, cybertrons, and spaceships seem to effectively serve as meaningless filler, like the greeking on an unfinished magazine page that fills white space without providing distracting, valuable information, thereby allowing the designer to focus on more important things.
So thanks to visions of agile, single mothers hanging upside down while certain parts of their anatomy defy gravity, I have a much better understanding of why a song like this exists. And I'm okay with it now.
Will I be listening to this track while working out? Hell, no. While I'm driving to my next gig? Not a chance. The next time I hear it will probably be between "Girls, Girls, Girls" and "You Shook Me All Night Long."
I enjoyed Black Eyed Peas' earlier singles "Request Line" and "Where Is The Love." I despised "My Humps" and "Don't Phunk With My Heart." This song lands somewhere in the middle.
As long as I can keep those pictures of Fergie's wet spot out of my head, I should be able to tolerate this song in its proper setting with a big stack of dollar bills.
If You Like: Busta Rhymes, Common (2008), Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Timbaland
Rating: *** (3 out of 5)
Jeremih Birthday Sex
One: Cut A Hole In A Box
What does every woman want for her birthday? Perhaps some diamond earrings? Maybe a romantic dinner for two? How about a cake, some candles and card?
The answer is none of the above. According to Jeremih, anyway. He seems to think that all women need for their birthday is sex.
"Don't need candles and cake," he croons, "Just need your body to make birthday sex." His thoughts on flowers? "Say you wanted flowers on the bed, but you got me and now it's on again."
Jeremih makes it clear that a sweet, gentle birthday lovemaking session after a romantic evening out on the town is not on his agenda. This year, you've got your work cut out for you.
"1-2-3, ding, I got you pinned," he says in a soft, sensual voice. "Don't tap out, fight until the end."
This Usher sound-alike insists that birthday sex isn't just the icing on the cake. It's the cake, the meal, the gift, and the movie afterwards. "We switching positions... Tell me where you want your gift, girl... We gonna start over again... Been at it for hours."
Apparently, Jeremih's gift is a yeast infection.
The details of how he plans to spend your special night sound geared more towards his own fantasies than yours. I can't imagine it sounds too appealing when a man announces that he plans to "improv between your legs."
When he starts naming the places where he's planning on getting freaky, the waterbed makes for a good start, but look out! Next comes the "kitchen stoves and tables." Tables are not comfortable, and the idea of having sex on kitchen stoves is just... wait, a sec stoves? Plural? How many kitchen stoves does this man have?
Allegedly, Jeremih knows how to play drums, saxophone and piano, but you wouldn't know it from this song. The music behind "Birthday Sex" is very basic, consisting primarily of soft bongo hits and other miscellaneous percussion sounds that create a mellow atmosphere for the tasks at hand. Soft melodies and ethereal background vocals attempt to sedate listeners as they crack open another bottle of Astroglide.
Jeremih's vocals are in contrast to the subtle, easy-going soundtracks behind him as his voice alternates between smooth, soulful moaning and shrill, hormone-induced wailing. Every time he throws in his gimmicky "I-I-I," I find myself wincing. It reminds me of Eminem's imitation of Pee Wee Herman in "Just Lose It."
If you are a fan of just about any sultry R&B jam that comes down the pike, this song may be for you especially if you're up for some mild chafing. Otherwise, don't bother with Jere-meh'.
If You Like: Babyface, Jazmine Sullivan, T-Pain, Usher
Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
The Six Pack: A half dozen quick song reviews in an easy-to-carry cooler!
10 Years Actions And Motives
I've only heard the song once but I am hooked. It's an upbeat hard rock track that provides nice contrast to the rest of 10 Years' catalog, which is generally slow, dark and creepy. Plus, I find the lyrics to be captivating.
"I just don't get it, how you managed to justify who dies.
Like judge and jury, you're the very one who crucifies.
Don't get your hands dirty to kill. Use someone else.
Know all your lies are measured in hell."
I'm anxious to add this track into my music mix for the car and the gym. If anyone has some insight into the lyrics, please post it in the comments.
If You Like: Breaking Benjamin, Cold, Earshot, Filter, Seether
Rating: ***** (5 out of 5)
3OH3! Starstrukk
Envision Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst rapping over Chemical Brothers beats about gratuitous sex with gorgeous-yet-innocent girls and you've got the idea behind 3OH3!'s single "Starstrukk." This song contains plenty of stale references to female anatomy and cliche descriptions about revealing attire. Assorted wolf-whistles and trite innuendo fill in the gaps. Their attempts to be outrageous come across corny. Sure, you can dance to it. But, it doesn't leave a lasting impression. I find myself waiting for it to be done so a better song can take its place.
If You Like: Bloodhound Gang, Crazy Town, Eminem (his goofier work)
Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
Madcon Beggin
Like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Madcon (short for Mad Conspiracy) combines two different flavors to make one delicious treat. The classic feel of this 1960s Frankie Valli song is mixed with modern elements borrowed from reggae and rap. The result is a fun ragga-meets-oldies dance jam that's perfect for events that have both teenagers and old folks (i.e. weddings, company parties). "Beggin" has been a hit for a while overseas, cracking the Top 20 in 11 countries, but it's just starting impact in North America, climbing this week to #2 on Billboard's Bubbling Under Hot 100 Singles. Be sure to check it out!
If You Like: Fugees, Outkast
Rating: **** (4 out of 5)
Prince Crimson And Clover
Prince offers an uninteresting combination of Tommy James and the Shondells' "Crimson And Clover" with The Troggs' "Wild Thing." I will admit that the guitar solo at the end takes me back to the more rock-oriented style of Purple Rain. But the rest of "Crimson And Clover" is a dull imitation of the original. Prince can't seem to make up his mind whether this is an adult contemporary track or a soulful rock song, and unfortunately fails at both.
If You Like: (bad cover tunes)
Rating: * (1 out of 5)
U2 Magnificent
The original working title of this track, "French Disco," is much more appropriate than its final title. After it's new-wave-wannabe intro, "Magnificent" becomes a very predicatble U2 song with an unimpressive dance groove that screams of mediocrity. Lyrically and vocally, Bono seems to be making some kind of ode to Morrissey as he wails the name of the song in an effort to rival Liza Minelli in "Life Is A Cabaret." A duller, dancier sister to "Elevation," it is anything but magnificent. Skip it. Spin Achtung Baby again instead.
If You Like: Morrissey, Simple Minds, The Church
Rating: * (1 out of 5)
Vonray I'll Show You
Have you ever heard a song and thought, "Hey, this band is pretty good. What are they up to? Are they touring?" just to find out they got dropped from their record label six years ago, they broke up shortly afterwards, they reunited for one last farewell show in 2007, the singer occasionally performs solo, the guitarist is now in another band, and the lead cellist fell into a coma after tumbling down a flight of concrete steps? Well, that's exactly what happened when I heard Vonray's song "I'll Show You." Except for the cellist thing, I made that part up. This is a great song that's worth adding to your mainstream rock mix, even if it is six years old. Vonray is unfortunately one more good band that didn't get the attention and respect that they deserved before it was too late. But, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go get the song and enjoy it anyway.
If You Like: Del Amitri, Gin Blossoms, Goo Goo Dolls, Toad The Wet Sprocket, Vertical Horizon
Rating: **** (4 out of 5)
To score tickets to see my band, A Simple Complex, perform with Korn on May 23 in New Hampshire, visit www.asimplecomplex.com.
