Pop Culture Locket 9.16.02: The Sexiest Debut In 411 History
Posted by Iago Ali on 09.16.2002
Some debut columns debate great rock bands. This debut column debates sex appeal, Snoop’s sobriety, and the most annoying trend in hip-hop. Which one do you really want to read?
That damn Freakboy—always beating me to the new website punch. As much as my teaser may suggest otherwise, I do highly recommend you check out his debut X-Factor column. Later. Right now, you’re mine.
I could bore you with backstory and prepare you for what lies ahead, but where’s the fun in that?
What I Got In Yo Locket
1. The Jump-Off: Snoop Quits Weed!?
2. In Related News: The Ten Sexiest Women in Music Today
3. And In Closing: Funk Flex is The Devil
This week’s Locket, like most, is awfully hip-hopcentric (and mainstream hip-hopcentric to boot). If you’re a hip-hop fan, this is your 411 oasis. If you’re not—you’ll learn a few things, and you’ll just appreciate those rare rock/pop/muzak moments all the more. That’s how it is. You could ask Giz. I stole your girl while you was in prison.
Let’s begin.
The Jump-Off: Snoop Quits Weed!?
It’s official: Bigg Snoop Dogg—the one-man Marijuana Reform Party—has stopped smoking weed. It’s actually been official for a while now, with confirming his sobriety in interviews with BET.com and Howard Stern, the latter of which I saw with my own eyes. In the former, the ex-High Times poster boy and Stoner of the Year said the following:
“I look at Jimi Hendrix. I look at Bob Marley. These are cats that I was told died from drugs and they [were] ahead of their time…The sharpest move I made as a business man: I stopped smoking and drinking…It betters me and it's going to keep me around…”
Bigger than a war on Iraq, bigger than slave reparations, bigger than your neighborhood fat kid’s fat mom—this could be the biggest story of our generation. There aren’t a whole lot of things that us youngsters can believe in during this day and age, not many rock solid truths we can count on; we’ve just lost the biggest certainty of them all. He’s making good points and all, and he’ll probably live a healthier life without the drugs, but it still breaks a little piece of my heart to know that Snoop is, for the first time I can remember, no longer well-marinated.
Man. First the Fat Boys break up; now this.
In Related News: The Ten Sexiest Women in Music Today
Here’s something you should know about the column: the In Related News section—this section you’re reading here—will never be related to anything you’ve already read. It’ll rarely even be news.
I’ve written for a couple of websites over the last few years, and I’ve learned that the folks who read the websites I generally write for tend to really like two things: lists and attractive females. Now, as a columnist who loves to give the people what they want (unlike that Freakboy guy), I make a point of kicking off my new columns with a list of attractive females.
So that’s how we’re going to get the party started at 411. And no, Pink did not make the list. In fact, neither did Brit-Brit, Janet, or Avril. Have no fear though: old Iago is as shallow as every other 25-year-old dude that watches MTV. I’ve just got a different set of shallow standards. Check them out.
One last thing before we start: this list is sticking to mainstream stuff. There really aren’t a whole lot of women out there in mainstream music right now that I find sexy. Made things a lot more interesting, I think.
10. Tweet – Physically she’s kind of awkward and angular for my tastes, but that voice singing those lyrics (“I’ll be sure to meet you/with no panties on”) over those Timbaland beats – the whole package is dripping with sex appeal.
9. Kylie Minogue – Australian imports always exude a free-spirited pixie-esque quality that stands out here in the states, and Kylie’s no exception. There’s a reason why she was the Green Fairy in Moulin Rouge. She’s making perfect mindless pop dance tracks right now; does it get much sexier than that?
8. Free (from 106 and Park) – If you were expecting only musicians on this list, then you need to open your mind (so hard not to write “free your mind” right there). On-air personalities have a long history of out-sexying the performers they’re presenting, and Free clearly continues that tradition. At the very least, she’s sexier than both Carson and Ian Robinson. Combined.
7. Nelly Furtado – I’ve got a few longtime readers (which reminds me of something I have to do for one of them: Isn’t Elizabeth Hurley wonderful?), and they’re probably scratching their heads at this placement. See, I’ve got this weird thing with Nelly Furtado (or we refer to her in the Locket, Smelly Dorito) and it’s too long to explain here, but I’ll sum it up like this: I kind of actually think I’m really sort of in love with her. So you would think she’d get number one no problem. Thing is, I wouldn’t call Nelly sexy exactly—she’s more cute and doofy than anything else. Still, it’s my list, so her ass is on it. Thanks for listening.
6. Charli Baltimore – Her labelmate Ashanti gets all the press, but it’s the Notorious B.I.G.’s ex who should develop into the First Lady of Murder, Inc. Charli’s got a rough sex appeal that neither Ashanti nor Vita could dream of having, and she sounds like she might even be kind of nice on the mic. Plus she calls herself “Lil Thumper” on her latest single—what’s not to like?
5. Nikka Costa – Don’t say “Nikka Who?” (Actually, that’s one of her songs, so I guess you can say it.) She’s the redhead who sang “Like a Feather,” the song from the Tommy Hilfiger commercial. Don’t let the fact that she licensed the track turn you off to it or her though: she’s got a great, soulful voice and damn near sinful stage presence. Like Tweet, she’s not the most traditionally attractive young lady on this list, but the whole picture is hard to beat.
4. The girl in the One Mic video – She’s been in a ton of other videos as Generic Booty Girl Number 3, and she’s always sort of stood out as more traditionally beautiful than the average Video Chick. Director Chris Robinson is the first guy to maximize her aesthetic potential though, and he did it as simply as possible: fully clothed, eyes closed, headphones on, singing along to Nas’ self-affirming masterpiece. It’s a great video, and her shots are stunning.
3. Gwen Stefani – During the Video Music Awards a few weeks ago, babygirl (my own personal sexiest woman in music) commented that Christina Aguilera and company needed to realize that the coolest and best dressed pop female of our generation is the one that’s never half-dressed. Gwen is just so damn cool that she makes everything she wears look good. And her band rocks. (By the way, the shots of her in on the bed in front of the window at the end of Underneath It All are as beautiful as those One Mic shots.) Gwen’s the coolest.
2. Fiona Apple – Tiny little crazy girls are hot. If that’s where it ended, Fiona would probably still crack this list. When you factor in her music though, she skyrockets to the top. That big bluesy, conflicted, gut-wrenchingly damaged voice comes out of that half-innocent, half-so freaking guilty face, and it’s singing about love in every form—it’s unmistakably and undeniably raw and sexual and heartbreaking, all at once.
And seeing as how I’m a Latin dude (Oh, you didn’t know that, did you? I’m full of surprises), there’s only one woman who could be at the top of this list—and it’s not Jennifer Lopez:
1. Shakira – A 4’11” Colombian belly-dancer/Latin rocker/pop star. That body moves in ways that haven’t been invented yet. I’ve been able to write paragraphs describing the sexiness of every other woman on this list. For Shakira, I have no words.
Sweet lord, you all are going to rip me apart for this whole thing—I guarantee I don’t get one positive e-mail agreeing with my selection process. Aw hell, it’s more fun that way. Bring it on.
And In Conclusion: Funk Flex is the Devil
The most annoying trend in hip-hop (and probably all music) today is the Funkmaster Flex/DJ Clue school of mix tapes, where the DJ feels the need to randomly yell over every verse of every song he plays.
Damn Clue, I know it’s your tape: stop yelling “DJ CLUE! DESERT STORM! ENVY!” already.
And Flex, we get the point: Big Dogs, big rims, big trucks, and then you blow shit up. Get focused. It’s not a good look.
Sometimes you need to speak to folks in their language.
And that’s all I got for today. Next week, I’ll come up with something else to write about. Send me your thoughts on any of this stuff—letters are a columnist’s best friend. Now go read the X-Factor.
Until next week, I’m Iago Ali…and yeah, I got your locket, sucka.
