Quick ‘n’ Dirty Music News 05.15.09

Posted by Mitch Michaels on 05.15.2009

Rihanna gets naked and forgiven, Eminem puts the hard sale on Relapse and battles Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, Snoop Dogg is innocent, Michael Jackson is DANCIN’ and more, plus 2000’s best music, chart news and Cassie is our Piece of the Week!

Hi there. Pleasure to see you again. How have you been? What the fuck?

It's Mitch Michaels and my west coast friend Brittany Haskins back with another edition of all that is pure and good and decent – the Quick ‘n' Dirty News. Cause seriously, it's Friday and you're not getting anything done anyway. Who are you kidding?

A few 411 Music related things to bring to your attention.

Follow me on Twitter. I like getting to know the cool people who are reading this and the comments just don't cut it. See what I'm up to, I'll see what you're up to. It'll be fun. Follow Brittany too if you wanna see her new tattoo.

Also, we're in the middle of our fourth artist-specific Roundtable series, this time for Green Day, in honor of 21st Century Breakdown, which drops today. These RTs are just a great chance to dig deep into some of the bigger bands' catalogs and I'm loving them.

Also going on is our first ever Artist of the Month spotlight series, featuring YOUR March Mayhem winners, Guns N' Roses. We already have a special Fact or Fiction up, plus Daniel Wilcox lists the band's Top 10 tracks. We've got a couple more GN'R goodies in store before May is up, so stay tuned.

Finally, got a contest running right now for a little CD called Oh Happy Day, which features a bunch of people from different genres (Jon Bon Jovi, Jonny Lang, Joss Stone, Al Green, 3 Doors Down), tackling some gospel music that is the root of pop music today. At least that's what the album sleeve says.

OK, enough plugging and let's get to it. It's quick. It's dirty. It's news. Let's go.



STAND BY…FOR NEWS!

All news items are from 411 Music's newswire:

I like to think that the QnD is a way to 1) catch up on what happened in the music world over the week that was and 2) get mine and Brittany's opinions on such (and 3) see pics of hot chicks). Well, I'm my own audience this week, as over the last fourteen days or so I have been absolutely swamped with shit. It's the reason you've seen Ashish's name in the music news section so much lately – I haven't had time to fucking blink, much less keep up with the music world. So the column's gonna get us BOTH caught up this week.

First off, Snoop Dogg has been cleared of civil charges that he beat the holy fuck out of a guy who crashed the stage at a show a few years back. Richard Monroe, Jr was seeking $22 million, but wound up being awarded $440,000 to be paid by Snoop's label. While the jury cleared Snoop, they all agreed that the guy got beat up at a concert and that someone should make it up to him.

I think it's a fair wrap-up to the trial. Video evidence more or less cleared Snoop personally of beating the guy up. Did he crash the stage? Sure. But that's not like he gave the people on stage carte blanche to whip the absolute piss out of him. It'd be different if it was a security matter, but the guy was just an overzealous fan. It's not like he jumped into a fucking bear cage at the zoo. You expect some sort of civility, even when you're going to a show by Snoop Dogg and The Game. You'd have thought this guy asked The Game to buckle up on an airplane the way they knocked the everloving shit out of him.

Staind are the latest band to promise low ticket prices, as they'll be touring with Shinedown and some other bands while asking around forty bucks to attend the show. They're calling it the "Summer Stimulus" tour, which has a fun double connotation, but can we please scale back on the use of the term "stimulus" in our vocabulary? It's getting near as annoying as when everyone was using the term "main street" during the Presidential campaign last year.

It's nice to offer lower prices, it really is – but $40? That doesn't scream "bargain basement" to me. Maybe for the Stones, but not Staind. And, just FYI – after you add the $17 in fees (and that's not counting parking, etc), that's a $100 night out for you and your chick. Just saying.

The Police are rumored to get back together once again…because drummer Stewart Copeland said he'd be open to it. Uh, I hate to break it to everyone, but if Sting and Andy Summers haven't said anything, it doesn't matter what the fuck Stewart is open to.

Remember when Boy George was arrested for keeping a male hooker locked up in his basement? Well, back in January they locked George up on an 18-month sentence. He's out now on good behavior, though he'll have to wear an ankle bracelet until July of 2010. That reminds me – I haven't seen any of my male hooker friends this week.

Speaking of being locked in a basement, Nick Cannon is PISSED at Eminem, who takes shots at Nick and wife Mariah Carey in his new track "Bagpipes From Baghdad". The track deals a lot with a break-up between Em and Mariah and includes the lines:

I mean I really want you bad, you cunt
Nick you had your fun
I come to kick you in your sack of junk.

And later:

I ain't playing no fuckin' more
Nick Cannon you prick
I wish you luck with the fuckin' whore

Cannon had this to say:

"Not only has his music not evolved, but also homeboy is still obsessed with my wife. The same female that wouldn't let him get to second base from 8 years ago.

This so-called man has just disrespected and slenderized one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color, Mariah Carey.

Man to man, let's meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I'm here pimp!"

Oh wow, so much to cover here. First, kudos to Nick Cannon for not letting Eminem get away with this. Eminem takes a lot of shots at a lot of people, and most of it doesn't mean shit, but this one feels kind of personal. It's good for Cannon to stick up for his wife. He also does do well to call Eminem a pussy for hiding and talking shit behind a mic.

Still, it doesn't help that the whole world thinks Cannon is a complete fucking joke. And this doesn't help his image much. First off – could he worship Mariah any more? Let's rewind that quote:

"..one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of color."

When the hell did Nick Cannon become Mariah Carey's publicist? And why the fuck does this have to be a race thing? I don't remember Eminem mentioning that Cannon is black or that Mariah is black ANYWHERE in this fucking song. If Eminem is so damned racist, Nick, then why does he still want to tag your black wife?

Fuck you anyway Nick Cannon. You turned something hateful meant to be entertaining into a race war. Maybe it stings a little that a white artist can excel so far in the rap industry while your shit has sat on a shelf gathering dust at Motown for the past three years. Good luck with that publicist career!

Meanwhile, Em has announced a three day stint on Jimmy Kimmel (they couldn't give the motherfucker a full week?) to hype his next album. He's also flying in a bunch of laid off workers to watch the show. Em has been in major hype mode with Twitter, his XM channel, an appearance on Fox this Sunday and now this. A good thing too, because I'm listening to Relapse right now and it is not what his audience wants to hear. I've never seen anyone go from funny to badass to completely bat shit, but Relapse is proof that Eminem has lost it. It's also not very fun to listen to.

Rihanna. Nude pics. HOLY FUCK. And the best thing is that it looks like they are actually her!

If you weren't around last Friday, we were treated to naked R&B chicks weekend, as X-rated pics leaked from both Rihanna and Cassie (who pretty much showed us everything but her name and address). Now, the first Cassie pics – those honestly couldn't be more staged. Cassie's got an album coming out next month and the first two singles have done fuck all on radio. So, what does it hurt that we get to see a little, haha, stimulus package to encourage us to buy Electro Love? Anyway, here's the first pic:


Click here for the uncensored.

Look how made up she is. Fuck, there might as well be her name and graduating year in the corner. This is like the most professional cell phone pic leaks I've ever seen.

Of course, someone said, fuck this fake shit, and leaked some more interesting photos here. All pierced up – it doesn't do anything for me, but I've never had a pierced chick, so I'm not going to dismiss it.

(PS – It's a rare moment when I see CENSORED pics that I won't put in the QnD, but consider this one of them.)

Anyway, so we get naked pictures of Cassie. Which is nice, but come on – how long's it been since anyone was thinking about her? "Me & U"? Early 2006?

The REAL get was what leaked the next day. The vaunted nude Rihanna photos:


Click here to get to the real pics

You know, I have been upset with Rihanna ever since the Chris Brown assault in February. Not because she got beat up – that's not her fault even if she's a complete bitch one on one – but because she tiptoed around trying to still be Brown's girlfriend and generally just acting sneaky and ashamed, which REALLY gave out the wrong message to young girls out there who could be in abusive relationships.

But, I have to admit, about five minutes after I clicked the link, I officially forgave Rihanna. Cause, holy fuck, those are some hot pics. Even the relatively tame one of her above, with the g-string and the button down – there's something painfully sexy about a girl as hot and famous as Rihanna still doing such basic things like cell phone pics to get attention from her boyfriend.

And don't even get me started on the pics of her ass. Cause I'll need another couple minutes.

It's also sad that even having a chick THIS smoking (and apparently freaky), you can still get so worn down in a relationship that you abuse it. Something to think about

Anyway, since the pics have leaked, a lot of people are assuming that (ex?) boyfriend Chris Brown was the cause, but he's denying it. I tend to think he's telling the truth – the last thing Chris Brown wants ANYONE to do right now is have their mind on Rihanna.

Meanwhile, Island Def Jam (Rihanna's label) is scrambling trying to get the pics pulled off the net, saying they're a violation of Rihanna's rights. What violation? Were we supposed to NOT realize she usually wears clothes?

Lots of little news this week, but I've kind of gone long, so let's summarize:

Michael Jackson is still pretending he's going to do those 50 shows in July. I guess everyone's going to wait until they're packed into the O2 on opening night to remember he's both wholly unreliable and certifiably insane.

Yoko Ono has donated the bloody shirt John Lennon was murdered in as part of an exhibit on his life in New York. Are you telling me Yoko has yet to find a good dry cleaner in New York? She's been there for like 30 years!

Paul Rodgers has left Queen to focus on the Bad Company reunion. Somewhere, Michael Melchor feels a little bit better about the world.

"American Idol" is down to its final two. My money's on the queer.

Depeche Mode was forced to cancel shows after frontman David Gahan was rushed to the hospital. How many gallons of semen?

Yes, two gay jokes in a row. Time to close this puppy out with some tits. Here's Tila Tequila defying gravity at the Maxim Hot 100 party:


And here's Jessica Simpson looking big where we LIKE her looking big:

Well hello hello! It has been two weeks and I am sure you are missing the hell out of me. Unless you are listening to my radio show at Flashrock.com every Monday night, you are probably having crazy Brittanica withdrawals. I've missed you guys too so don't think that this is a one sided issue.

Mitch has been pimping me out like crazy for the past couple weeks so it is very hard to find time to sit and write the Quick ‘n' Dirty. Let's get on with it shall we?

Rihanna is in yet another sticky situation…very sticky…Someone has released nude pictures of Rihanna that she took herself. You can find them here. Did she not kind of bring this upon herself?

Eminem is going to be teaming up with Stewie Griffin for an new episode of "Family Guy". Eminem said that he is "a big fan of talking babies and their humor". Does the ooga chacka baby count too? Well this is what Stewie had to say about Mr. Mathers:

"I was just about to meet him, but after I shook hands with his stylist, his assistant, his lawyer, his bodyguard, his other bodyguard, his photographer, his manager, his hanger-on, his flower girl, his driver, his videographer, his notary, his historian, his her-storian, his texter and his own greased-up deaf guy, I got the swine flu."

Why am I not surprised?

Eminem is also flying 200 laid off autoworkers from Detroit out to LA to see his performance on Jimmy Kimmel on Friday, and again on the 19th and 22nd to remind everyone of the problems in Detroit. Because flying 200 unemployed autoworkers to LA to see Em will fix everything…I'd blame him for traffic in LA that week but I keep forgetting these people won't have cars.

He is also teaming up with Elton John again, but this time it is for advice on how to stay clean:

"I talk to Elton a lot. We became friends and I talk to him about things, career wise. And he had a substance abuse problem in the past," Em said. "He's somebody who's in the business and can identify and relate to the lifestyle and how hectic things can be. He understands like the pressure and any other reasons that you wanna come up with for doing drugs, you know. Me and him have had similar lives and stuff. So I reached out to him and told him, ‘Look, I'm going through a problem and I need your advice.' "

Akon will be the musical director of the world cup, and here is what he had to say:

"I've been hired as musical director for the World Cup. I will be overseeing the World Cup anthem and music at the ceremonies and I'm off to South Africa this week for meetings. I love soccer so it's a great honor."

Brittanica's response:

"NO!"

Pints of Guinness make you strong, and Black Eyed Peas are headlining a huge show to mark the 250th anniversary of Guinness. Really? Black Eyed Peas? You think they would have Flogging Molly or Dropkick Murphy's headlining this one. Wishful thinking I suppose…?

The Donnas will celebrate their sixteen years of making music with The Donnas Greatest Hits, Vol 16, which drops on July 7th. I wasn't aware The Donnas had any great hits…or any hits for that matter. Hmm. Well apparently they did considering they are going on tour with Blondie and Pat Benatar.

Michael Jackson is working with choreographer Kenny Ortega to come up with a new signature dance move to rival his past moves such as the moonwalk. Ortega confirmed that Jackson is working on something new and that he will debut it at the London shows which begin July 8th. Rumor has it that Michael will be incorporating his clip on nose into this dance move along with swinging children from high distances.

In other Jacko news, Twin dancers Maya and Nandy McClean auditioned to be part of the backing crew for Michael Jackson's O2 shows in London and walked away with a strange experience.

"It was really dark in the auditorium, but his skin was definitely glowing in the dark."

No surprise there.

Bette Midler says she's going to be working on a new song with 50 Cent.

Midler said: "Little Jewish lady and the great big rapper. He's such a doll. I love him. He's gorgeous. I was hoping we'd sing songs from the Depression, but he's so young that I don't think he knows any of them. I'm going to have to check things out and see what he feels like singing."

She has also said that she has been bored lately and wants to get in a knife fight or tag along during a drive by so working with 50 might keep her on her toes.

Madonna and 22-year old boyfriend, model Jesus Luz are getting "married" in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. This came out of left field.

According to Jesus' father, "The Kabbalah ceremony in New York that will link up my son Jesus Luz and Madonna only confirms that he is extremely happy. I don't know if there will, in fact, be a real marriage between Madonna and my son. It will be a type of ritual, but I do not know Kabbalah or if the ceremony will have legal validity."

The two are currently living together. Talk about a cougar! I should have told my model friends to hit up Madonna, we'd all be living the good life. Damn.

No Doubt is going to be on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" on Monday and I will be there so, watch out for that, it'll be awesome.

And then a shameless plug for my radio show at Flashrock.com. It's live every Monday night at 7:00 PST but aired on a loop all week on the site. Check it out, it's a lot of fun.

Alright, that's your news for this week. I missed you guys…..not.

Peace, Love, and Aural Sex

2000


Still combing the best songs and albums from the years since I was born. Check out the QnD archives at the bottom of the page if you're interested in my takes on 1979-1999.

Mitch's Top 10 Singles of 2000
1	Limp Bizkit	"Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)"
2	Red Hot Chili Peppers	"Otherside"
3	Lenny Kravitz	"Again"
4	Macy Gray	"I Try"
5	Barenaked Ladie	"Pinch Me"
6	Eminem feat. Dido	"Stan"
7	3 Doors Down	"Kryptonite"
8	Red Hot Chili Peppers	"Californication"
9	Sixpence None The Richer	"There She Goes"
10	Green Day	"Warning"

Mitch's Top 10 Albums of 2000
1	Steve Earle	Transcendental Blues
2	Ryan Adams	Heartbreaker
3	Rage Against The Machine	Renegades
4	Johnny Cash	American III: Solitary Man
5	Dwight Yoakam	dwightyoakamacoustic.net
6	AC/DC	Stiff Upper Lip
7	B.B. King & Eric Clapton	Riding With The King
8	Don Henley	Inside Job
9	Everclear	Songs From An American Movie, Vol. 1: Learning How To Smile
10	Green Day	Warning:

QUICK ‘n' DIRTY CHART NEWS

NEW RELEASES FOR MAY 19, 2009


WHAT EVERYONE WILL BUY

Eminem - Relapse - Like I said above, Eminem is doing everything possible to promote this release, and that will no doubt translate in numbers. The fact that he can take a few years off and then come back as such a force is testament to how beloved he still is with both fans and critics. The album isn't awful, it's just completely from left field. I don't think a lot of people will get it – but I think a lot of people will buy it.

WHAT WILL BE NUMBER ONE

This week was MAJORLY shitty. The kind of week music industry analysts point to when they scream "the sky is falling! The sky is falling!" Well, maybe they're right. Chrisette Michelle debuted at #1 with just 83k. That's the lowest total for a #1 album in the SoundScan era. The album contains the Top 20 R&B hit "Epiphany", but wow – I don't think anyone was calling Chrisette to hit #1 after her debut album bowed out at #29. It was a tight race, too, as both Hannah Montana and Ciara pulled 81k. Elsewhere, Ben Harper debuted at #9. It was a fucking DISMAL week on the charts.

Which is why, this week, Green Day looks to have no trouble scoring another #1 album, despite 21st Century Breakdown coming out on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. I'm glad too. I hate weeks without major releases. They seem to make the reviews section boring. We should also see Top 10 love for Cam'ron, Paul Wall and Aiden. Nice cleaning out week. Maybe we can be rid of Taylor Swift in the Top 10 for a while, now.

WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY

Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood – Live From Madison Square Garden: Half of Blind Faith gets back together? I'm so there. This is a cool set because it features Blind Faith songs, Clapton songs, Traffic songs, Steve Winwood songs and even a little Hendrix. This is the first time these guys have played together live since 1969. It's fucking music history.

The Beach Boys - Summer Love Songs: You're probably thinking you need another Beach Boys compilation like you need a hole in the head, but I'll be damned if they don't keep repackaging the band in interesting ways. The best things about albums like this and Warmth of the Sun is how they include a lot of archival tracks you don't normally hear. Summer Love Songs also has an unreleased track and some new stereo mixes.

Dane Cook - ISolated INcident: My brother got me in to comedy albums. They are really awesome for road trips. Dane Cook's got a great live show and, yeah, you lose a little in not seeing him move around, but the shit's still funny. This album was actually recorded in front of only 400 people and contains all new material.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds Reissues: You guys all know I love Nick Cave. I can remember when I first got into him trying to find all of the older albums. It was pretty fucking tough, and I don't think I ever picked them all up. Now you can, as the first four have been remastered and issued as collector's editions. You get a DVD, B-sides, a 5.1 mix and more. Absolutely essential – I'll be out a c-note on Tuesday picking these all up.

WHAT'S HOT ON THE DIAL?

Billboard has about a million charts, so each week I'm gonna round up the #1s from each format. That way, no matter WHAT station you flip to when not using your presets, you'll be aware of what you might hear. Newly crowned #1s are in bold:

BILLBOARD #1 SINGLES
CHART	SINGLE	WEEKS
POP
HOT 100	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	9
HOT 100 AIRPLAY	Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain - "Blame It"	16
POP 100	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	11
POP 100 AIRPLAY	Lady GaGa - "Poker Face"	19
MAINSTREAM TOP 40	Lady GaGa - "Poker Face"	16
HOT SINGLES SALES	GS Boyz – "Stanky Legg"	6
BUBBLING UNDER HOT 100 SINGLES	Reba – "Strange"	4
DIGITAL
HOT DIGITAL SONGS	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	6
HOT DIGITAL TRACKS	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	6
HOT RINGTONES	T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake - "Dead And Gone"	5
R&B/HIP HOP
HOT R&B/HIP HOP AIRPLAY	Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain - "Blame It"	19
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SONGS	Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain - "Blame It"	22
HOT RAP TRACKS	Soulja Boy Tell 'em feat. Sammie – "Kiss Me Thru The Phone"	16
MAINSTREAM R&B/HIP-HOP	Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain - "Blame It"	17
HOT ADULT R&B AIRPLAY	Jennifer Hudson – "If This Isn't Love"	24
RHYTHMIC TOP 40	Kid Cudi – "Day ‘N' Nite"	N/A
HOT R&B/HIP HOP SINGLES SALES	Christelle starring Dizzy D – "What You Gon Do Wit It"	5
COUNTRY
HOT COUNTRY SONGS	Sugarland – "It Happens"	13
ROCK
HOT MAINSTREAM ROCK TRACKS	Papa Roach – "Lifeline"	17
TRIPLE A	Dave Matthews Band – "Funny The Way It Is"	4
HOT MODERN ROCK TRACKS	Green Day – "Know Your Enemy"	4
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
HOT ADULT TOP 40 TRACKS	The All-American Rejects – "Gives You Hell"	26
HOT ADULT CONTEMPORARY TRACKS	Jason Mraz – "I'm Yours"	40
CHRISTIAN
HOT CHRISTIAN SONGS	Matthew West – "The Motions"	24
HOT CHRISTIAN ADULT CONTEMPORARY	Matthew West – "The Motions"	25
DANCE
HOT DANCE CLUB PLAY	Beyonce – "Halo"	7
HOT DANCE AIRPLAY	Guru Josh Project – "Infinity 2008"	4
HOT DANCE SINGLES SALES	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	1
INTERNATIONAL
HOT LATIN SONGS	Makano – "Te Amo"	26
EUROPEAN HOT 100 SINGLES	Lady GaGa – "Poker Face"	19
EURO DIGITAL SONGS	Tinchy Stryder feat. N-Dubz – "Number 1"	3
CANADIAN HOT 100	The Black Eyed Peas – "Boom Boom Pow"	7
JAPAN HOT 100	JUJU w/ JAYED – "Asu Ga Kurunara"	0

Easy choice this week. Cassie was so nice as to flash some skin for us all in these "leaked" cell phone pics, I thought she should be honored as the Quick ‘n' Dirty Musical Piece of the Week. And you won't even have to use your imagination!

THE END

Hope you all had fun. Be sure to drop us a line on what you liked, didn't, etc.

Keep your ears to the ground.