The Bubblegum Complex 02.06.03: Sarah Whatmore Week Special
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 02.06.2003
More than climbing trees with Michael Jackson! If such a thing is possible!
Welcome to the Bubblegum Complex, the column that paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.
What exactly IS Vanessa Carlton doing in that video? How SHIT are the Counting Crows? How shit is that song anyway! And what IS Vanessa Carlton doing in that video! It sure isn’t enough to warrant a credit!
I was gonna with Steps for this weeks opening line, but much as I love One For Sorrow, those questions had to be asked.
So how ya been? Good? That’s the way. I am pretty darn super thanx for worrying! Incidentally if you want great moments of synergy in your day, hows this for a tops song to come on the random CD changing thing just as Michael Jackson began talking about placenta covered babies…Let Me Go by the Pinky and the Brain obsessed top indie tip of 1999 but they never really made it and they now probably work in chip shops even though I quite liked them Irish band The Chicks of which the first line just happens to be “Hey, yer real world isn’t real at all…”
So yes, TATU zoomed to the UK number one singles position, miles and miles and miles ahead of everyone, and driving a big stake through the blubbery heart of Kelly Osbourne, so the official band of the Bubblegum Complex (and I’m claiming 0.00000001% of the credit!) are having an all week celebration or an all week rest depending on how they feel! My work on TATU is partially done, so this week I’m also giving it a rest. Me, I’m turning my seven day energies to the official artist of the week, Ms Sarah Whatmore. In fact so enamoured am I by the new single “Automatic” that I’m declaring this weeks column part of Sarah Whatmore week here at the Bubblegum Complex, not least cos I thought one of the lines was I’m a one legged bass loving lady. So throughout this weeks column, there will be fun facts about Sarah at random points. Her new single Automatic comes out on Monday in Britain. Go buy Automatic. Do it. Now, not now! Monday! UK readers only! Not now! I’ve still got this for you to read!
You may have from time to time have heard me mention “Cool As Ice” (well not that often) the lamentable film starring Vanilla Ice. A film also starring the dad from Family Ties. A film which also features The Iceman jumping over a fence on a bike to attract a girl on a horse. Well if you thought music films couldn’t get any worse, I is here to tell you it gets worse. Oh god does it get worse. In fact it gets so much worse I don’t quite know where to begin! Firstly, there’s the terrifying news that S Club are releasing a movie real soon, entitled Seeing Double, even though the band is seriously out of love for each other. For anyone who doesn’t know, S Club are a very manufactured (so I love them) band, but they are seriously two years past their peak. They made a seriously odd TV show in which the band would move from town to town, dance their way out of trouble, and fix Jo up with a new guy in every town while Rachel dumped her back home boyfriend. The movie seems to be about an evil scientist who clones S Club, and then they boogie their way out of trouble. No really. Check out this entry in the official Nigel Dick diary of the shoot.
DAY TWENTY - SCLUB AND CLONE SCLUB DANCE THEIR WAY OUT OF TROUBLE (AGAIN) AND FOIL VICTOR’S DASTARDLY PLAN.
Now if the clones are lesbian crazy vampires like Evil Willow was, I’d be impressed, but no, no fun. Normally this film would be enough to send even someone as pop hardened as moi into the depths of despair, but it gets worse! Prepare for the horror of From Justin To Kelly. Promising to catapult American Pop Idol starlets Kelly and Justin to the big screen in this springs biggest beach party, this film will hopefully be based entirely on Weekend At Bernies (please, please, please) but it’s more likely to be based around the lamer efforts of Frankie Avalon. The official site is coming (sadly your chance to be an extra has passed) but I will have more words on the worlds worst ever film coming REAL soon…
Official Sarah Whatmore Fact #1 – According to Sarahwhatmore.com, the video for Automatic was filmed on a freezing cold London day, and Sarah had to don some skimpy outfits, but it was worth it to produce such a great video.
So I sat down to watch the Michael Jackson doco in much the same way that people in Wisconsin Death Trip sat around and waited for the local freaks to do something stupid. For anyone who missed it UK journo Martin Bashir followed Jacko around for months and just basically kept going “NO WAY” while Jacko went “WAY!” Car crash TV of the highest order, and well worth watching. So what’s my perspective? Well here it is, ten things I (and my goth mate Angel) thought about Michael Jackson…
1) He’s not a paedophile. The man has no sexual desires at all.
2) What kind of doctors let a dad run out of the hospital with a placenta covered kid?
3) OK, if I’m 44, and I have 12 year olds come round to kip on my bed, shoot me.
4) Climbing trees IS tops fun…when you are seven!
5) What is wrong with you, you big freak!
6) Why am I reminded of a three year old girl when I see him?
7) If I get a tan, and that’s as bad as Michael Jackson going white, does sunburn mean I’m going to hell?
8) How much did Michael Jacksons masked kids look like Professor Chaos (aka Butters) from South Park?
9) Would YOU be scared of Tatum O’Neal in full on “sex me now” mode?
10) Blanket? BLANKET? And why was Bubbles retired? Not much of a reward for all those years of loyal, unrelenting service! Oh hang on, Bubbles is dead.
11) He’s still WAY WAY cooler than Avril Lavigne.
12) His name is an anagram of “He’s Jail Cock Man”
13) How scared did “Blanket” look?
14) Whatever happened to Tito?
15) So the crisis in the world could be solved if Saddam Hussein and George Bush slept with kids?
OK, that was 15…
Official Sarah Whatmore fact #2 - Sarah Whatmore didn't get into the final 10 of the UK series #1 of Pop Idol, but she was offered a record contract almost as soon as she was voted off the show.
The CFBBC Countdown
Well, last week the Bowie vote was split right down the middle, no-one knew what the hell Neil Young and Re-Ac-Tor was, and then there was a late surge of votes saying why did you put Labyrinth there, which meant that there was a minus result for that Jim Henson film. In my defence, my love suggested it, so it was nothing to do with me guv. So the winner (almost by default) was Sir Mixxalott with Baby Got Back! Huzzah! The results in full…
Sir Mixxalott – Baby Got Back (8)
David Bowie – Tin Machine (2)
David Bowie – Tin Machine II (2)
Neil Young – Re-Ac-Tor (0)
David Bowie – Labyrinth (-5)
This week, it’s a tough ask to pick the worst of music…
#1 – Sir Mixxalott – Baby Got Back
#2 – Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart
#3 – New Kids On The Block – Hangin Tough
#4 – Mandy Moore – Candy
#5 – Craig David – What’s Your Flava
#6 – Five featuring Queen – We Will Rock You
Tough, tough and tough again! Vote now! Vote often!
Official Sarah Whatmore fact #3 - The Sun had photos of sexy Pop Idol loser Sarah Whatmore from her photo shoot in New York. During her stay, she was able to check out the MTV Video Music Awards and see Jennifer Lopez in the flesh, the woman she's being touted as the UK's answer to. "The comparison is flattering," she admits. "But I’m just starting out. I saw J-Lo at the awards. She is so beautiful in the flesh, it’s unbelievable."
Oh OK, here’s a TATU update. You thought the first video was bad? Check the next two out! Nas Ne Dogonjat (They’re Not Gonna Get Us) features the girls stealing a truck and running people over, which is intercut with childhood photos of the girls, including a nude full frontal of one of them aged about seven. The other, 30 Minutes , sees Lena getting pissed off when she catches Julia with a man... so she makes a bomb and blows herself up. Hooray! And as reported previously, A Simple Motion features masturbation in a bath and a café! Hooray again!
Courtney Clock: 15 weeks, 4 days, 3 hours, 18 minutes, 4 seconds until NO ONE cares what the hell she does ever again…though I’m sure if she keeps appearing in pictures hugging Ron Jeremy, that could work!
From the minds that brought you that thing where if you cued up Pink Floyd and the Wizard of Oz you got a symbiosis…Did Definitely Maybe have a tracklisting that predicted the shuttle disaster? Five songs in a row: Live Forever, Up In The Sky, Columbia, Supersonic, Bring It On Down. Liam was asked his opinion and said “Fooking way man!” or something like that…
I was going to write a little part about Lana Clarkson, the B Movie actress allegedly shot by Phillip Spector, but could anything be more poignant than this tribute from her official website?
Lana was sure getting to be a fatso before Spector clipped her. Maybe he did her a favor. It could have been like a mercy killing or assisted suicide. Best wishes to Phil and the rest of his defense team. Signed, No Fat Chicks.
Actually ANYTHING would be a more poignant tribute!
Official Sarah Whatmore fact #4 – A random search of the Internet uncovered that Sarah Whatmore is a lecturer, a perfect 10, at number six with a Kylie, there and giving out hugs, putting her love life on hold to concentrate on her career and a reader of the Daily Mail. Not all of these facts may pertain to our Sarah Whatmore…
I thought I’d close with something a little different this week. I picked up a Scottish soccer programme (a little pamphlet that tells you about the game American friends) this week from 1978, Motherwell v Celtic in Scottish League Cup. The good guys apparently won 4-1, but the real joy comes from two parts of the programme. Firstly, there is good news for Alison Marshall, pictured on page 8 receiving her prize for winning a quiz…a copy of ABBA’s greatest hits! Alison lives at 13 Glen Court Motherwell. If you read this Alison, I hope you enjoyed your album! Secondly, check out of the cool musical attractions that were rocking the 70s in inner city Scotland at the Motherwell social club!
Friday 13th – Dancing to the Steve Jackson Trio
Sunday 15th – Vocal comedy from Stuart Jason
Tuesday 17th – Alfred Berry (Harmonica)
Saturday 21st – Frankie Farrell Sensational Singer!!!
I don’t know what Frankie Farrell did to get 3 lots of !!!, but hey, that’s enough of that. I’m secretly hoping someone in some dark corner of Scotland remembers one of these acts and can let me know if they were any good!
Well that was WAY more than I really wanted to write tonight. Thanx for reading. I really do love every single one of you. Except for you. Yes you sitting in your blue underpants waiting for your porn images to download. I don’t love you. You scare me.
The rest of you I do love, and I will see you next week when I give big love to the Banana Splits. Until next time my very sweet rabbits, a fond adieu. Go buy Automatic!
