The Bubblegum Complex Special
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 02.17.2003
I interview Bebito Jackson from 411 games!
Welcome to the Bubblegum Complex, the column that loves to play the clown.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez once wrote that ingratitude will itch at your soul more than guilt. I don’t know about that, being just a hack at a website and not the king of magic realism, but hey, I do know that I’ve been a bit mean in regards to someone who has extended the arms of human kindness to me. You see BC fans (both of you) should know that Mr Bebito Jackson of the 411 games section was impossibly kind to me: he interviewed me in his column, he said some very nice things about me, he even gave me an award for best news reporter on the 411 music site. I gave a speech and everything. What did I do in return? Nothing. Not a single darn thing. I sat on my (pert and cute) ass and did nothing but lap it all up. I played Conchita Martinez to his Nadia Petrova. Well let me tell you, that doesn’t sit right with me Mr. Oh no. I’m redressing the balance today. It’ll involve his expert eye on some of the pop games of our time, but first, here’s some amiable chat…
CFB: Welcome to my lair Mr Jackson. How the devil are you?
Bebito: Can’t complain. However, it’s kind of weird to be guest starring in someone else’s column for once. *looks around Bubblegum Complex* Nice place ya got here. It’s so much brighter over at 411 Music than it is within the caves of the Games Zone. I’m happy you invited me.
CFB: In honour of the fact you’ve been very deeply nice to me, I’d like to present you with the first honour of CLOCK (That’s Claire Lauds Other Columns Kindly). I hope you are touched!
Bebito: Wow! Someone is actually honoring my sucky column? This is truly a first! Thank you so much.
CFB: Why don’t you tell us about yourself and what you write (don’t be shy!)
Bebito: Well, I’m a self-loathing writer for the 411 Games Zone News Report Section, whose gimmick is reporting on videogame industry rumors and speculation rather than just straight news. Either that or I’m a videogame rumor reporter whose gimmick is being self-loathing. I always forget which. The name of my column is the 411 Games Rumor Down-Lo, and it’s on every Tuesday.
Within the Down-Lo from time to time, I interview some of my favorite writers from all around 411 Mania. Which is how you got to guest star, Claire. Others that have visited my column are Widro, Ashish, Jeff Modzelewski, Chris Hyatte, and The Scotsman. All do some awesome work around the site… including you.
As for me… I love videogames. I’m your everyday semi-hardcore gamer that thinks Tomb Raider needs to die, Zelda is awesome, Sega needs to make another Shining Force, and the new Panzer Dragoon game should have been a RPG. Ya know… the same way everyone else thinks…
CFB: Ok mate, I hope you are up to play a bit of Bubblegum Complex justice, a chance to tackle the big stories of the day. Firstly, if you read my last column you’ll know that big fat liar Dan Karaty has been perving on his students at his dance studio. Do you believe Talupafisha that he was looking at her funny, or do you side with Samantha that she’s making it up?
Bebito: I tend to trust your opinions, Claire. If you call Dan Karaty a liar, then you must know what you’re talking about. Yup… I trust ya like that.
CFB: Justin Timberlake has taken to wearing an MC5 T-shirt. MC5 were counter revolutionaries in the struggle to bring down the man. Do you see Justin as part of the struggle to bring down the man?
Bebito: Speaking as a black male being held down by “the man” myself, I feel that Justin Timberlake is definitely part of that struggle. How’s that you ask? Simple. Anybody who hangs out with Timberland is part of the struggle to bring down the man…
CFB: I’ve adopted TATU, the faux Russian lesbian pop band, as the official band of my column. Firstly, can you see greatness for them, and secondly, if you had to adopt an official band for your column, who would it be?
Bebito: Well to be honest with you, I’ve never heard of… Wait! Did you just say they’re lesbians?! In that case I see nothing but greatness for them! *thumbs up, smile with teeth showing*
And if I had to adopt an official band for my column it would have to be Common and Mya from that Coca-Cola commercial where they’re singing “Real”. I can’t get that cut out of my head. That song is so tight, and it’s only a stinking advertisement. Those two need to get together and bang out a CD, for sho.
CFB: Once upon a time my four year old cousins sat down in front of some raunchy videos for me, and they weren’t affected.
Bebito: Well, as long as you weren’t in them yourself, I don’t see where that could cause a problem. If you were, then that’s totally scarring them for life. Nobody but my wife’s hick relatives wants to see “raunchy videos” of their cousins.
CFB: Finally, in honour of a question you asked me, I’m kind of madly in love with Hayden Lomaro. You think he’s still got the funk?
Bebito: Oh come on! Who the heck is Hayden Lomaro? Is this because you didn’t know who Toejam & Earl were in my interview for you? You’re throwing out some obscure name, that you know I have no way of recognizing. Well here… to quote you, “Erm… yeah, if the kids love him, I guess he’ll do OK.”
CFB: Is there anything else you’d like to declare musically?
Bebito: Yes. I just want somebody to tell me this: If Tupac is REALLY dead, then how the heck does the guy release 10 freaking albums every year. Every time I turn around, the guy has another track out on the radio! I can’t fathom!
Pop stars…awww…but all too soon it’s hmmm…particularly as any game a computer programmer makes with a pop star is sadly absolute rubbish. This column is a mild celebration of some of them. This is where I need help though, cos I know stuff all about computer games. I can type, I can push big red buttons that give you close ups of football games, but computer games? Lucky we have an expert on board…
Frankie Goes To Hollywood – The Computer Game
We start in the mid 80s, when the Spectrum was considered the apex of pure cool. Luckily, the coolest band in the world, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, were up to date with the technology of the day and realised a game on Ocean games (that also appeared on the C64). Frankie Goes To Hollywood (for any youngsters out there) sang Two Tribes and Relax (a paeon to oral sex) and were way cool in every way to the in crowd of 1984. The game had a brief not to feature any of the Frankie members, and it totally delivered. Playing the part of a member of Mundaneland and totally devoid of personality, the object of the game is to build up this personality by completing tasks relating to sex, war, love and religion. Once you’ve built up personality, you can enter the Pleasuredome. Simple sounding? Well not really, considering the game is awfully confusing. There are lots of games to play like Bomb Liverpool, some kind of ride to heaven experience to become a saint or a game that lets you decide whether to be on the side of Reagan or Gorbachev as they spew out their venom (as you character appears to be naked in the middle of a river). Essentially a very strange pretentious game as you move left and right, touch ordinary objects and let them explode in to life, and let the Frankieness in your life come to pass. Sadly there is no game based on Holly Johnson (FGTH lead singer) and his first solo hit Americanos.
The expert says: I’ve never touched this game with a seven and a half foot pole. And I don’t ever plan on touching it either. Geez… they’ll release anything won’t they?
Michael Jacksons Moonwalker
Younger kids may not remember the salad days when Michael Jackson was the King Of Pop. It made sense that he would make a movie, Moonwalker, in which Michael was gambolling with some kids (stop it!) only for his dog and one of the kids to lead him into the woods (STOP IT!) and into a cave, where Joe Pesci was planning to turn the world (and the kids) in to crazed drug addicts. Oh, and Joe likes spiders. Essentially a film of Michael Jackson singing a lot, then a Smooth Criminal sub plot with Joe (and the spiders), it tellingly went straight to video in the United States of America. Luckily, there was a relatively easy computer game tie in to go with the movie! Huzzah! Oh how us Amstrad users freaked that we never got such a treat. Decked in something approaching a white suit, Michael deftly kicks his opponents over four simple levels and tries to find some children (stop it!). There’s the chance to perform magic by throwing your hat, or making all your enemies dance (and then explode). You find some kids and they fly out on a blue fireball. Oh, and after you find all of the children in the level, Michael’s faithful pet chimp Bubbles flies in on the same blue fireball that the children fly out on. He points you in the direction to go. Once you get there, Bubbles hops off and a fat black man with a Mohawk, sunglasses, and a black trenchcoat walks in and says, ”HAHA! You’ll never catch me”, and then is gone. For some reason people said Michael Jackson was odd. I never quite understood why…
The Expert Says: Moonwalker is commonly known as one of the worst games ever made. Funny thing is… I kinda liked it. I spent many a day on my Sega Genesis, making everyone dance and explode. I don’t know. Back then, Michael was less crazy and more cool.
Bubbles did kind of freak me out though. That monkey always seemed like he was up to no good…
Street Fighter: The Movie
There’s a strange recent tradition of making computer games into totally bollox movies. Street Fighter The Movie totally lived up to that tradition. Starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Kylie Minogue and tragically Raul Julia just before he died, it was total rubbish. Luckily, there was a game based around the movie! Huzzah! Even more luckily, it’s the one on the record instance of being able to beat people up with Aussie pop music sensation Kylie Minogue wearing a strange leotard! Double Huzzah!Brilliantly, not only can you beat people up as Kylie/Cammy, but there’s more! Complete the game as Ms Minogue, and through the finishing screens you’ll find out she’s off to the Middle East to fight crime. Incidentally those buns of steel were not shaped by Mr Pervy looks Dan Karaty. I’d like to make that perfectly clear. Oh the game is crap, make no mistake, they all agree. It just has an amusing pop star cameo.
Expert says: I went blind for three weeks after playing that game. Back in the day, I was a hardcore Street Fighter fan (nobody could stop my Chun Li). After playing that wreck of a so-called ‘game’ however, I nearly lost my sanity. Funny thing was, I kept trying to justify to myself that this was a good title. “It HAD to be a good game”, I told myself. “It’s Street Fighter”. Sadly after about 3 hours of the gaming equivalent of Spam covered with dog droppings between two slices of arsenic laden bread, I was back at my local Blockbuster begging for a refund.
Spiceworld
This one needs no introduction…
Well maybe a little. The Spice Girls were huger than huge for a time. They got a movie called Spiceworld. It had Elton John and Richard E Grant in it. It was seemingly based on old Beatles movies. It contained lots of bad acting by Geri Halliwell. It also spawned something of a computer game, even if it was only connected in theory. The object of the game is to mix one of five (incomplete) Spice Girl tunes (for example Wannabe), learn some dance moves from Tito Jackson in the middle of the disco era, teach your moves to the rest of the Spice Girls and then record a video with the use of 8 video cameras. And that’s sort of it. There’s a very mildly fun half hour interactive experience after the completion of your video, just for those special 1997 re-union parties. However, the Spice Girls were about fun and attitude, not being some kind of cast offs for the Paula Abdul dance school. They deserved better. No really…
The expert says: I’m going to be honest for a second. As much as I wanted to… I just couldn’t hate the Spice Girls. I committed the ultimate sin one-day, when I actually went out and bought their single. (Hey, I was young and naïve.) Even though they couldn’t act, even though they came off as extremely stupid, and even though they were slightly annoying (ok, more than slightly), nobody could deny that they were HOT. I don’t care what anybody says; not one guy on Earth would turn down the chance to bang one of them if they promised not to talk after you were finished.
Oh yeah, the game. It was terrible. Let’s move on.
Britney’s Dance Beat
And the hits just keep on coming. Basing a game around the funkier steps of Britney Spears might have seemed like a tops idea for the youth of the world. Sadly Britney’s actual dancers (mad shagger Wade Robson and the amusingly enthusiastic Karissa Seaman) aren’t in the game. You start the game out in New York, and have a dance session with a choreographer. If you can match Britney's dance moves, you can advance to other cities and dance to other Britney Spears songs. During each dance session, arrows float down from the top left corner of the screen to the bottom left corner. As they reach the bottom left, you have to press the corresponding arrows on the keyboard. Oh but that’s not all! Oh no! There’s the chance to unlock special Britney movies and scenes! Tops! Er…that’s about it really. Er…one of the dancers you can pick really looks like Holly Valance. Um…well…that’s it…
The Expert says: They could have done some cool things with this game. The music, although limited to five of Britney’s songs, wasn’t that bad. The problem lies in the fact that the moves performed were the EXACT same every time you played. The guys had one routine, and the girls had another. No variations. So the replay value was shot down the crapper. If each character had their own set of moves, even if you couldn’t change them from game to game, then at the very least it would have had some variety.
Plus there’s the image factor. No guy in his right mind wants to be caught playing a game called “Britney’s Dance Beat”. You better make sure you have chicks around you while playing this one… or else you’ll feel really gay. And if you’re a girl, odds are you’ll like it right away, and then get tired of it in little under an hour.
Parappa The Rapper
Luckily, things get a little better should you not actually involve a pop star, and invoke the music power of a cartoon dog. Of all the games you would want to play, this one seems an awful lot better than mixing Britney tracks. Parappa has the simple goal of being the best rapper ever (kind of like a funky version of 8 Mile then) and you can help him win the girl and funk on up the rapping ladder if you learn a series of button pushes, dance moves and funky flow raps. Sadly, I know stuff all about computer games or rap music, but I do know cartoons and this is described as funny, funky and a great icebreaker at parties. Well, it’s either this or Naked Twister.
The Expert Says: I love my homey Parappa, but I’d take Naked Twister over this any day. *thumbs up, smile with teeth showing*
Seriously, this game took music games, and made them extremely popular. The music was decent. The story was fun. The gameplay was fun. Get a group of people together, and they’ll have a blast trying to keep the beat. Recommended.
Queen: The Eye
Here’s your typical every day scenario for a computer game: secret agent in the middle of a post apocalyptic society a piece of technology called the EYE rules the world. Yep a typical day at the office. Except this secret agent is inspired to smash the EYE by listening to Queen music. No really. This secret agent was branded a traitor after listening to Queen. Then you have to go through a series of worlds and landscapes based on Queen imagery and albums to smash this EYE. No really (again). There’s puzzles and japes ahoy, secrets and more…and it’s based on Queen music. I can’t find any more bloody info out than that, so the land based on Radio Ga Ga must be BRILLIANT…
The Expert Says: Hmm. You finally got me on this one, Claire. I’ve never seen, nor heard of this game. Looking at the screen shot, it doesn’t look that bad. If it’s got Queen music in it, it can’t be that bad. Right?
Nelly – Hot in Herre…
Old men, young men, old women, young girls…all can waste SO many hours in front of the computer playing games and wasting time on the interactive internet experience. So how ya gonna call for some time wasting fun? Who’s the king of the online time wasting world????
Yep, Nelly! Now I’m not Ms Nelly fan 2003 but I can appreciate some fine time wasting entertainment when I see it. Should you click here for the website tie in to the Hot in Herre single you’ll find it features a very classy interactive experience, with the whole aim being to spank as many asses as is humanly possible in a period of time. That’s the whole game. OK, it’s probably inspired by that spank the monkey game Australia went mad about last year, but still, it’s time wasting fun ahoy…
Luckily, the official site has something even better, for if you click HERE Nelly falls asleep for twenty years and you’ve got to help him get back onstage. Do you want to is the main question? Truly, the king of interactive mindless time wasting is here!
The Expert Says: I didn’t bother with that “Nelly falls asleep game” and I went straight for the “spank as many asses as is humanly possible” digitized fun. Possibly due to the lag of my computer’s modem, I got a score of 0 out of 16. Which is quite disappointing really, because I’m quite good at that game in real life.
CFB: One final question for you mate before I let you back to the land of computer fun. Are there any other musical based computer games the good folks should be looking out for?
Bebito: Honestly, the KING of all music games was released several years ago, and is still the reigning champion. Go get your hands on a Playstation and “Bust-A-Groove”. I absolutely hated all music games until this puppy came around. It’s an old fashion dance off, between two of over several choosable characters. Each has their own unique set of moves, and depending on what buttons you press in what sequence, you can vary your dance routine each time you play. The music is awesome, boosting an original soundtrack custom made for the game, that still rings in my head from time to time. And the end battle with you dancing on top a rooftop at night in the city against a giant alien robot is just too awesome to miss.
It’s extremely hard to find, but it’s worth the money and the trouble. If you even remotely like music games, go find it!
There you go faithful fans, I don’t know if you really learnt anything here, but I’ve repaid me debt. Go HERE for all your gaming needs. Seriously, it’s a top read. It’s edumactional. If that’s a word. The rest of you here in music world, adieu my sweet rabbits, until the proper column comes back!
