The Bubblegum Complex 02.20.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 02.20.2003
T.A.T.U good, Avril bad, Madonna Lyrics worse? Mr Ed says "You bet your ass!
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to the Bubblegum Complex, the column with the same size hands as Marilyn Monroe.
That Kelly Rowland single flopped in the US, so I will understand if you don’t get it….
The alternates were Donna Lewis, Mis-Teeq (but I used that one in the video review I submitted) and Mental as Anything should you be keeping score on the lyrics at the top of the column.
But FIRST, at the risk of plunging this column into a swirling self referential post modern vortex, this from last week’s column…
Incidentally, TATU are at #3 on the interactive musical funky countdown thing on this very website, which spins me a bit. It’s a very big pipe dream it could knock Nirvana off the top spot, but get voting kids! You could make a young girl very happy! And you could make me happy too (I’m not young at all).
And then this…
Move aside 50 Cent, Eminem, & Nirvana, the pop lesbian duo of t.A.T.u. has topped 411's INTERACTIVE MUSIC COUNTDOWN with their hit single, All The Things She Said! New contenders this week include Ja Rule, Queens of the Stone Age, Puddle of Mudd, and more! Who will be #1? Your votes decide!
Mean I do this. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Go the comedy lesbians! You’ve made an old girl (and 24 is old in today’s accelerated culture!) very, very happy. I’m claiming 0.000000000002% of the credit for this and for the THIRD week at number one in the UK. Go girls! You keep going! Best pop act of the millennium so far I’m saying! Show me love indeed! Puddle Of Mudd? Pah! I thought a picture was in order to celebrate!
OK, you can’t click on it, but let it be a symbolic message on behalf of Team TATU that we won’t be silenced! Keep voting folks! Criticism is your friend, not your enemy!
Now that that absolute propaganda is out of the way, this week’s column is being written from a health and beauty spa in deepest darkest Queensland! Props to the towel boys for some ideas for the columns!
And I’m also in a jolly fab mood after this caught the eye of the nation, from the Victoria Beckham website…
It's been reported in the headlines of some of the UK papers today that the Spice Girls are to reform.
The girls are meeting up but it is only for a social get together and not to discuss plans of a reunion or tour.
Could it be? Could the Spice Girls reform? Do I want them to? Can they make something, anything just to wipe the stain of Forever out of my brain? Stay tuned! That will only leave the Steps and Take That re-unions to make the pop world a glorious place! Since I wrote this in a welter of excitement, the wonderful Popbitch has declared that rather than being about the band re-forming, it was to discuss a megabucks offer for a film to be made about the rise of the band and lives since the split, and which would involve the girls' discussing their feelings about each other honestly and openly. Either way, I am so there whatever they do!
Someone sent me an e-mail this week, and I don’t know where it came from (any attempts to reply were bouncing back, but thankx and hugs anyway Darren) and this is apparently the lyrics to the new Madonna song “American Life”. I don’t know if it is, I really don’t, but here is what you might be humming real soon.
Do I have to change my name ? Will it get me far ?
Should I lose some weight ? Am I gonna be a star ?
I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl
I tried to be a mess, I tried to be the best
I guess I did it wrong, That's why I wrote this song
This type of modern life - Is it for me ?
This type of modern life - Is it for free ?
I went into a bar looking for sympathy
A little company - I tried to find a friend
Its more easily said it's always been the same
This type of modern life - Is not for me ?
This type of modern life - Is not for free ?
American life
I live the American dream
You are the best thing I've seen,
You are not just a dream
I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top
I tried to play the part, but somehow I forgot
Just what I did it for and why I wanted more
This type of modern life - Is it for me ?
This type of modern life - Is it for free ?
Do I have to change my name ? will it get me far ?
Should I lose some weight ? Am I gonna be a star ?
American life
I live the American dream
You are the best thing I've seen,
You are not just a dream
I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl
I tried to be a mess, I tried to be the best
I tried to find a friend, I tried to stay ahead
I tried to stay on top......
Fuck it...
Yeah, Fuck it
I'm drinking a Soy latte
I get a double shote
It goes right through my body
And you know I'm satisfied,
I drive my mini cooper
And I'm feeling super-dooper
Yo they tell I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied
I do yoga and pilates
And the room is full of hotties
So I'm checking out the bodies
And you know I'm satisfied
I'm digging on the isotopes
This metaphysic's shit is dope
And if all this can give me hope
You know I'm satisfied
I got a lawyer and a manager
An agent and a chef
Three nannies, an assistant
And a driver and a jet
A trainer and a butler
And a bodyguard or five
A gardener and a stylist
Do you think I'm satisfied
I'd like to express my extreme point of view
I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew
I'm just living out the American dream
And I just realised that nothing
Is what it seems
Do I have to change my name
Am I gonna be a star
Do I have to change my name
Am I gonna be a star?
Do I have to change my name
Fuck it...
Gee doesn’t that sound wonderful? It reads like the worse works of Jewel! I’m digging on the isotopes? What the frigging hell was that? I hope to gawd it’s better than it sounds. It sounds like a return to rhyming hanky and panky with…er…spanky. As a compare and contrast, this is a poem by Jewel (who I like incidentally, well I like Foolish Games) called The Cigar.
This cigar will not leave me
and I too lazy to get my book
write on random pages
to further dizzy and dilute
any scrap of discipline I had dreamt I had gained
by this silly age of 22.
Not even coated in nickel, or copper.
Just a harsh brass, that stares me down, in the mirror.
On nights like this, while my lover sleeps
His razor-sharp princess disillusioned by falling stars.
And hunted by tulips at three am.
Quite.
You might remember that I told you my local paper (the fabulously right wing Herald Sun) went all Claire in its opinions, hating Avril and giving mad props to T.A.T.U in the same edition. Well they ran an interview with Ms Lavigne and basically bagged her out for her dumb responses. It is shooting fish in a barrel, but under the banner “Rebel without a Clue”, here are some edited highlights (and I’m only giving my audience what they want before you start!)
Herald Sun interviewer: What are you up to?
Avril Lavigne: Driving (silence)
HS: Have you heard about the Avril virus?
AL: Mmmm Hmmm
HS: I guess that means you’ve made it – a computer virus named after you.
AL: I didn’t understand what people were talking’ about. I was like “What are you talkin’ about? I’m not sick” and then someone, like, told me it was a computer virus and I was like “Oh”.
HS: Is it daunting to think you’ve sold 10 million albums in six months?
AL: Daunting?
HS: You know, surprising?
AL: It’s weird. I don’t understand the question.
HS: Well is it weird to think about your popularity?
AL: I guess so. I guess it’s weird if I sit down and think about it, but I don’t think about it.
Like for sure, like, totally a great interview. I must transcribe the whole thing one day. It made milk come out of my nose, and that only ever happened during Father Ted.
The CFBBC Countdown is in abeyance for the week. The reason? Well, I couldn’t find anything to really compete with Billy Ray Cyrus! Last weeks results were
Billy Ray Cyrus – Achy Breaky Heart (16)
Everything Else – (0)
So it will be back next time, possibly in a Champions style finale against all the other winners. Lord knows, I can’t think of anything to stack up against it. Remember the poll was for the worst in music, and by god we’ve found it! If you can think of anything to stand up against the mad mullet, write in!
The big musical news in Australia this week was that Keith Richards (this columns OFFICIAL (how I love that word) war correspondent after his wonderous “shoot me if they don’t let me rock” proclamations) told the world that if you take drugs, it’s not that bad. It’s the people who sell them who are bad. Let’s examine that: Keith Richards doesn’t think taking drugs are bad? Gee, hold the front page! I would NEVER have guessed that! Incidentally (as I said at some point in the archives) it reminded me of my all time favourite newspaper headline, which was in the Truth paper in Melbourne. It said “BARASSI ON DRUGS, TURN TO PAGE 7” so you turned to page 7 and it said “BARASSI ON DRUGS…DON’T TAKE THEM, THEY’RE BAD FOR YOU”.
And if you thought ANY of that put me in a good mood ahead of going to BrisVegas, check this out…
Talking horse Mister Ed will make a T.V. comeback after 36 years. In the updated version, the horse will lose his hillbilly accent for hip-hop slang. Producers at Fox cited hip-hop's popularity for the change in language. The new version is based on the same theme as the original. Saturday Night Live writer Jack Handey wrote the pilot & is executive producing with Marty Adelstein, Neal Moritz & Dawn Parouse.
You know at first glance I thought this was a really bad idea, but in actual fact it’s genius! Mr Ed the swearing horse! Wicked! I can’t speak hip-hop so I won’t even try, but the idea of Mr Ed singing “Lose Yourself” made me laugh all week.
So that was that for another week and I DEFINITELY won’t be here next week, so wheel in the 15 year old kid in the Buckcherry T-Shirt to type this in my absence. I tell you though, if I come back and TATU have slid down the ratings and my Buckcherry replacement has bagged them out and lead a campaign to get Avril up in the countdown, well, prepare for a 12200 word rampage!
Adieu for two weeks my sweet rabbits! Shall miss you all when I’m getting sun in Queensland! And just to continue my only tradition in this column, I am now going to pad out this last sentence with as many words comprised of letters as it takes to ensure you get your 2000 (does a number count as a word?) word guaranteed Bubblegum Complex…er…word minimum!
