All The Things She Said 03.06.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 03.06.2003
New mania, new title, same shit jokes...
All The Things She Said
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to All The Things She Said, the column that says I don’t want to get bitter, I don’t want to talk cruel, I don’t want to get old before I have to…and I don’t want to get jaded, petrified and weighted, I don’t want to get bitter like you…
Represent Jill Sobule! Represent! That song is SO appropriate in all ways. Alternates this week were Josie and the Pussycats, LUV (70s Dutch girl bands just so totally and utterly rule the planet) and Coldplay, even if they are boring! Best performance at the Grammy’s my arse! Oh and Avril mate, 8-0, 8-0, 8-0! Between that and a drunk Dustin Hoffmann, TOP night!
Well it’s an all-new mania here at, er, 411mania, and the world is so talking about it. Well the part with internet access is. The kidz in Burkina Faso aren’t talking about it. To go with the new site, I’ve given the column a brand new title, but re-assured, it’s still the same old rubbish about pop stars and trash pop. Which is good for me if no one else! Oh and I had a tops time on my holida…what’s that? You don’t care? Oh well…I’ll just get on it with then…oh and goodbye to Buffy. Sarah Michelle Gellar, you got a big head, but remember this…on TV you were Buffy and a goddess…in movies, you were in Scooby Doo and a nothing…think about it…
Oh, instead of a little drawing of a ghetto blaster, we should have a picture of T.A.T.U. Big hits and loads of publicity trust me. Incidentally, what became of the 411 interactive countdown? T.A.T.U conspiracy theories abound! Oh and good work to Australia, the first country to produce wine in cans! I’m stoked by that! I just wanted to drop that in. Now while I was away T.A.T.U were finally knocked off the #1 spot in the UK by Christina Aguilera, but hey, 4 weeks at number one! That’s great! It’s time for another pic to celebrate!
Oh and this weeks column is dedicated to my mate Crystal. Hat FM forever mate!
The last time I was here I printed some of the great lyrics to Madonna singing American Life, and posited that maybe they were rubbish, even more rubbish than the poetry of Jewel, but I found out recently that was just the tip of a great big dancing iceberg. Oh indeed it was. Pray silence for Lee Ryan from British boy band Blue. Now Lee Ryan has taken over from Keith Richards (lest we forget, the man who decreed the day Osama stops the rock is the day he wants to be evaporated) as this columns new war correspondent, after he penned the wonderful anti war song Think Of The People, of which these are the lyrics…
All I hear is voices in the crowd
Though they only whisper though they frown
People saying oh it's such a shame
Still they only look to pass the blame
If we can find a way to work things out
The only way to start is to start now
Chorus
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
Children always learn by what they see
So we gotta practice what we preach
Don't you know if that’s the game of life
We refuse when we chose to fight
If we can find a way to work things out
The only way to start is to start now
Chorus
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
I pray before I sleep at night
That I wake to find a clear blue sky
Chorus
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we're all equal
We don't want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
Indeed, think of the poor poor people who have to listen to this song. Oh and Lee mate, there was a World War Sequel. It was called World War II. Incidentally, due to requests, here another Jewel poem, this one called Leaving Las Vegas…
Bill, Butch and Bart
Swapping penis size
in the front seat
while Thelma, Theisel and
Lou Lou up there
bouffant hairdos
and secretly go
where Blue eye shadow
has never gone before
Next week, bad lyrics v the poetry of Jim Morrison! Stay tuned!
Speaking of Madonna (as I was way back there!), good news this week as the queen of straight to video releases is set to begin a career as an author of childrens novels. Yes, the kids will soon be able to read the works of Madonna. What in god’s name would that be? Harry Potter and his alternative uses for his broomstick? Lord of the Rings would be different, and once the Grade Two class gets to read the Sex book with 45 different ways to use Vanilla Ice, fun will be had by all…
If you’ve ever wondered what happens to reality TV stars after they leave the spotlight, well, former manufactured Popstar Kym Marsh was greeted by just one fan during a promotional visit to Scotland. She dropped in at Aberdeen-based radio station Northsound to promote her new single Cry. But only nine-year-old fan Shannon Coull turned up to say hello. When Kym last visited Aberdeen, as part of Hear'Say 100 fans were waiting for her. To which you have to ask, who is Shannon Coull? Why wasn’t he in school? Didn’t his parents go with him? Is he a huge fan of Hear’Say, or just a polite little kid who thought former Australian cricket Rod Marsh was in the house. Who knows? Either way, we’ll be keeping an eye on young Shannon to see if he (or she) has a future career as a creepy stalker…
I hate to go back and whip Michael Jackson again, but new Vanity Fair revelations have come out in which Jackson is alleged to have put a curse of Steven Spielberg, David Geffen and around twenty three other people on a hitlist. How did he do this? He invoked the power of voodoo by going through a bloodbath, and killing 42 cows. It’s also alleged Jackson really, really, really hates black people and calls them “Spabooks (?)” and his nose is a prosthetic, because without it, he looks like a mummy with two gaping nostril holes. OK, OK, ENOUGH! The guy is a weirdo. WE GET IT! Frankly if it comes out the guy really likes fat women in white underpants eating grapes, or has a 235 ft statue of Gina G in his bedroom, will anyone care. He’s weird! We get it!
Your chance to own a single by Stefan Dennis, ex Aussie Neighbours star, and all round good guy, and remember, it’s not an ex jukebox record!
God it’s a struggle for news today! With that in mind, I decided to visit Christina Aguilera and her fun page after hearing that her mum was clearing up Christina related rumours. I was hoping she’d clear the one up about the tequila and the horse, but no, the closest we got to news was this…
:: OFFICIAL STATEMENT ABOUT ADULT TAPE RUMOR
It has recently come to our attention that certain pornographic websites are posting sexually explicit photographs and video footage on the Internet fraudulently representing that it is Christina. The video clips advertised on the websites are of a woman with blonde hair shown only from the back - the person in the video is not Christina.
In addition, the person who claims to have taken the video is not, and has never been, associated with Christina or her management. Christina's legal representatives have contacted the website hosts, and Christina plans to vigorously pursue all necessary action against the individuals responsible, including, if necessary, initiating criminal proceedings. We regret that there are individuals who engage in such fraud with no regard for the injury to Christina's feelings or reputation.
She is beautiful damn it, no matter what you say! Words can’t bring her down! But fake porn can! I’m glad her mum clears up her rumours for her! My mum would just agree!
The hot Osbournes rumour of the moment involves daughter Kelly Osbourne. Insiders say she is being considered for a co-starring role in the Broadway smash Hairspray. The New York Post, however, contends that Osbourne has opted out of Hairspray and plans to sign on to Rosie O'Donnell's production of Taboo, a musical by Boy George. In related news, the young MTV star recently broke up with her boyfriend, the Used singer Bert McCracken. Taboo incidentally is a musical seemingly about 80s pop stars being generally outrageous so god knows whom Osbourne would play…Tiffany I presume. Or one of the Waves (from Katrina and the Waves).
You want another Jewel poem? Go on then, convince me. Oh OK, this one is called Upon Moving Into My Van.
Joy, Pure Joy, I am
What I always wanted
to grow up and be
Things are becoming
more of a dream with
each waking day-
The heavy brows of Daily Life
are becoming encrusted
with glitter and the shaking finger
of consequence is
beginning to giggle
Grumpy old men
have wings
Bums sport Halos
and everyday dullness
has begun to breathe
as I remember the
incredible lightness
of living
Oh just before I left, I found and did some serious research on this potentially wonderful TV show from the UK. I’ll let the news report speak for itself…
The remaining performers hoping for a second shot at stardom will play a concert this week before boarding the tour bus and beginning their travels around the US.
Cameras will follow the acts, featuring the likes of Gina G, Dollar and former Spandau Ballet front man Tony Hadley as they sing in bars and clubs.
Local audiences will choose their favourites and the two least popular acts will be put to a Pop Idol-style phone vote by the British and US public. Whoever loses will then be kicked off the bus and will have to return home.
The show is called Reborn in the USA, and it gives old rockers the chance to make a comeback. How good is that? I’m so tempted to start up a version myself, but aside from Gina G, I want to bring in Whigfield, the old blokes in the Macarena video, Merril Bainbridge, Joey Scarbury (who sang the theme to Greatest American hero), all three members of Dutch girl band LUV, the cool one from B*Witched, and all of Cleopatra. THEN you’ve got a show!
Incidentally, I thought I’d close with the most philosophical point of the week, courtesy of Triple J radio host in Australia, Wil Anderson…
“I watching that old Paula Abdul video Adam, you know, Opposites Attract…the one where Paula Abdul is talking about taking two steps forward and one step back…and I just thought Adam…that song is about having sex with a cat. When you think about it, it’s about rooting a cat…”
How true mate. How true.
On that note my sweetest rabbits, I bid you a fond adieu!
