All The Things She Said 03.13.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 03.13.2003
This week contains the Christina Aguilera road test, an Avril Lavigne diss and more...
All The Things She Said
The Peter Bagge Speaks Special
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to the All The Things She Said, the column that says dreams are hopeless aspirations in hopes of comin' true, believe in yourself, the rest is up to me and you.
SOMEONE has to stick up for TLC on this website, and damn it, it might as well be me! I suppose that puts me in the minority AGAIN! No wonder I’m thinking of quitting! Alternates for this week? Lee Ryan (“We don’t want know World War Sequel!”), Glide and Cleopatra, whose time will surely come!
So anyway, on with the news! Or whatever the hell else pops into my head over the course of this week! Oh shoot, I just got one of those Nigerian spam e-mails, the ones promising great wealth…hold on…this one is from Don Johnson! Bloody hell!
That joke won’t mean much when it’s read in the archives 6 months from now…
Reborn in the USA Update
So now some news on the first episode of my new favourite show and my new obsession Reborn in the USA. Basically a bunch of has been UK rockers and poppers are paraded around the United States, and people at home vote to send them home. Huzzah! Well…this happened.
Sonia has quit Reborn In The USA after the first show — and flown back to Britain in tears.
Viewers saw the singer looking shell-shocked on Saturday when a New Orleans audience voted for her as one of their two least favourite acts.
Scouser Sonia, 32 — who sang The Greatest Love Of All — was so upset she fled to her motel room and locked herself in before booking the next flight home.
British viewers will decide whether Sonia or Dollar duo David Van Day and Thereza Bazar are axed from the show.
But Sonia is said to have decided she won’t be returning whatever the phone vote result.
A source said: 'It’s bad enough being branded a has-been — but it’s very embarrassing to be the worst of the lot.'"
Sonia Does A TV Runner, The Sun, March 10th
How good is that! After just one show, one of the contestants has buggered off just for being nominated. If you don’t know who Sonia is, well she was a squeaky pop singer from Liverpool who sang This Time I Know its For Real. ANYWAY, as if it wasn’t enough that someone was declared the worst of a bad bunch, but the show also featured this dispute.
David Van Day and Thereza Bazar have claimed Gina G has won votes on the Reborn In The USA tour by showing off her bottom.
The Dollar duo say the singer won the public vote on Saturday's opening night of the ITV show because of her bottom.
Gina, who had a hit with 1996 Eurovision entry Ooh Aah, Just A Little Bit, performed in a skimpy dress.
Dollar are up for the first eviction with Sonia after failing to get picked by the American audience.
According to The Sun, Thereza said: "It's not about the dress and the bum - it's about the voice and performance. We are great performers. "I could have worn something like that, but I know what's appropriate for my years."
As Gina G is Aussie, and flashing, she is SO this columns favourite! Go on Gina, get reborn!
UPDATE!
Since I wrote these words, this happened!
Sonia has rejoined Reborn In The USA after almost quitting the reality TV show.
The singer was ready to fly back to the UK on Saturday night after failing to win support from the US audience.
But she decided to stick with the tour, and has rejoined the group in Georgia, as they head for Philadelphia.
It's thought Sonia, who has been suffering a stomach upset, was feeling scared and vulnerable in New Orleans and was missing home.
UK viewers will now decide whether Sonia or Dollar duo David Van Day and Thereza Bazar should be evicted from the show on Saturday night.
A spokesman for ITV confirmed to Ananova that Sonia had re-boarded the tour bus.
He said: "She rejoined the tour in the early hours of this morning - which is late last night in US time.
"I can confirm that she was on the verge of quitting - she went to the airport but turned back."
For all your updates on stressed out scouse squeakers, Aussies showing arse, and the biggest bestest bus in the world, stay tuned!
Everyone is penning their stories!
Here’s a very brief little three-part quiz for you? Which of the following planned books strikes you as the LEAST interesting?
#1 – Anthony Kiedis – Red Hot Chilli Pepper, drug addict, seminal shagger de jour…stories including death of a band mate and more crazy parties than you could imagine.
#2 – Nikki Sixx (the year I quit heroin) – the raw journals of a crazed man coming off drugs. Sample promotion: “The rest of the book chronicles the next year of Sixx's life, focusing on raucous concerts, copious drug use, lust-crazed groupies, excessive drug use, rowdy tour buses, death-defying drug use, rock and roll antics, and, of course, gratuitous drug use.”
#3 – Darius Danesh – the guy who came third in UK Pop Idol talks about his rise to fame, and his, er, well, er…there was that time he sang the Britney cover really badly!
Incidentally, if you said “Claire, you’d buy the Darius book!” you’d be right! Bring on the Simon Cowell stories!
Kylie Minogue is friendless drone shock!
I love Kylie Minogue, bloody love her. Finer Feelings was a tops song. So it pains me to report her former boyfriend James Gooding has called her a career driven drone (or something) with no friends! God! That’s a worry! So this week, aside from directing a very hefty kick in the nuts to Mr Gooding on behalf of this column, I’m running a new service…friends for Kylie! If you are in England, it’s in the white pages under F. We need a troop of people willing to follow Kylie around, listening to her problems, and being there for her! In return, she might buy you stuff! Sounds good to me!
>> Avril Lavigne is as dumb as a box of hair <<
Understanding words is too complicated
Poor Avril Lavigne. She gave up her education to be a teen pop millionaire and now she's finding life a bit complicated.
Interviews have been going badly because she doesn't always understand the questions. So her label has hired an interpreter to help - for interviews with US journalists. In English.
(FYI: The words Avril has had most difficulty with
recently? "Mutate" and "Defiance".)
Two points…in fairness to Ms Lavigne, the newsletter purporting her stupidity DID misspell her name (ie. Lavinge) but hey, stupid is as stupid does! My favourite me no understand moment came with our own Vanessa Amorossi, who couldn’t work out what a beverage was. Incidentally, here’s the other Ms “Lavinge” quote from the newsletter…
“I’m getting more famouser by the day!”
Buskers against the war!
There really isn’t enough music news devoted to buskers. So it was with a great sense of joy that following my own frenetic, nay, splenetic punk style meltdown (which you can read about here I stepped outside to find a busker hitting a calypso style rendition of the following anti war song. Pray silence.
Hey man
What are you doing?
Hey man
The size of a penis
Big enough to wrap around a leg
Wouldn’t compensate
For the lack of a brain
Big enough for your head
When you sit there
And contemplate
The cost of a bomb
That doesn’t mean money
Man
Right on mon! Right on!
But What Are T.A.T.U up to?
Stuff all!
The Christina Aguilera test!
OK, so this week I actually heard “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera 13 times in three days on one Melbourne radio station. With that in mind, I decided to test out a little theory: the theory that everyone, no matter how much you look like you were smacked with the ugly stick (or in some cases, naming no names, Shane Woewodin, you hit every branch when you fell out of the ugly tree) you are beautiful, and words, well, they can’t bring you down! So I tested this theory by doing this…
Claire: (to my four year old cousins Jake and Jessica) You guys are beautiful, you know that, like, in every single way?
Jake: Ugh! Claire!
Jessica: Gross!
Jake: No, not gross, nice, but, like, god, don’t quote Christina Aguilera at me when I’m not ready!
Jessica: Gross!
Claire: What is Jess?
Jessica: This peanut butter? It’s shite!
Jake: You aren’t gonna ask us about Sam Teeth again are you?
Claire: (to someone I picked out of a phone book) Hello, is that Mr Wall?
Mr Wall: (For it was he) Yes it is.
Claire: Hi, my name is Claire and I work for Channel 9. Mr Wall, I just wanted to say that you are beautiful, no matter what they say.
Mr Wall: Eh?
Claire: I’m just saying, you know, that you are beautiful. Words can’t bring you down.
Mr Wall: Oh piss off.
Claire: (To a dribbling bum) Hey mate.
Dribbling Bum: Tits.
Claire: In spite of your tatty sleeping bag and dribbling ways, you are beautiful, in every single way.
Dribbling Bum: You can’t have my flea.
Claire: Your flea is beautiful.
Dribbling Bum: YOU CAN’T HAVE IT! NOT EVEN IF YOU SUCK ME OFF!
Claire: Oh.
Claire: (To two gay guys kissing outside Melbourne casino) You know, you are beautiful, no matter what they say…
Gay Guy: Christina Aguilera!
Other Gay Guy: Good vibes…always…
Claire: (To assembled chicks outside weight watchers) You are beautiful, in every single way.
Larger lady: You wait! That figure will slip one day!
Claire: Hey! I’m trying to spread some Christina Aguilera vib…
Larger lady: She’s a whore!
Claire: Yeah, she’s a whore, but she thinks you’re beautiful!
Claire: (To group of bingo playing old people) Can I say before you start…
Old lady: SIT DOWN!
So there you go. Not everyone is beautiful. Not even bums with fleas. Ever. And now, a hero of mine speaks!
A wise man once said whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it, I just want you back for good. Well, that was Gary Barlow, and this is another hero of mine, cartoonist Peter Bagge. Mr Bagge (as well as being an ace cartoonist) is also a super big fan of bubblegum pop and his CD of songs he chose…
…is quintessential listening for anyone who loves pop, AND got a five star review from Stuart Maconie in Q Magazine. Plus his contribution to the book “Bubblegum music is the naked truth” was wonderful and funny. With that mind, who better to be the first person to sit in the pop chair!
CFB: For anyone who doesn't know, can you just fill in my readers on your majestic work and more importantly, your love of pop!
Peter Bagge: I'm best known for doing a comic book called HATE, though I also occasionally write pieces about pop music from the 60s to the present. Many links to such can be found here . Even though my art has graced the covers of many garage and grunge-type bands, my own musical taste could best be described as "bubble-gum."
CFB: At the risk of sucking up, you're CD Rockin Poppin Favourites is just brilliant. How much fun was it not only make a CD, but get a five star review in Q Magazine?
PB: Compiling that CD was fun yet frustrating, since the label was unable to license -- or even FIND the rights owners -- to many of my first choices! But I'm still happy with the end result.
CFB: OK, so this weeks ten chair questions are as follows…
#1 - TATU, intense spawn of the devil or super fab comedy lesbian marvels?
PB: I haven't heard them yet! I even tried to download their mp3s so I could answer this question, but I had no such luck (I always have trouble with mp3s!). I've read about them on foreign sites and newsletters, but unfortunately the U.S. top 40 playlists are very different from those in Europe and down under. Acts like Hear'Say, Atomic Kitten, Take That, Billie, and the Sugababes have gotten almost NO airplay in the States, and I'm familiar with the latter two's music only because English friends have sent me their CDs!
#2 - Has there ever been a worse set of lyrics than Lee Ryan's "Think Of The People" with its "We don't want no World War Sequel" refrain?
PB: Don't know it! But I rarely pay attention to a song's words, since "lyrics" is just another term for "bad poetry." I like it when a song's words match the music and contribute to the hook. Other than that I think ALL lyrics are silly!
#3 - Which of the following should have a big career revival: The Spice Girls, Take That, LUV, Vitamin C, Josie and the Pussycats or Cleopatra?
PB: Cleopatra! Whatever happened to them? I just listened to their first (only?) CD yesterday. They were good! And fun to watch as well.
#4 - Will Madonna's Childrens books be a) classy b) educational c) skanky?
PB: If it reflects her personality at all, then I'm sure it'll be utterly charmless.
#5 - Last week Popstar UK star Kym Marsh turned up for a promotional appearance and one person turned up. Do you think that this shows that Kym Marsh is finished or that the one kid who turned up is a big stalker?
PB: You're asking a clueless Yank this question! I know she was in Hear'Say, but as I said before they had no impact in the States so I couldn't tell you.
#6 - Who did you want to stalk as a kid?
PB: No one! But I would have liked to have been friends with Willie Mays, Charles M Schultz and The Beatles.
#7 - If you could have one rumour about Christina Aguilera cleared up by Christina Aguilera's mum, what would it be?
PB: I don't see why any pop star would devote that much energy to clearing up rumours. Just ROLL with it, people!
#8 - Norah Jones? Superb or sleepy?
PB: She's a typical Grammy darling: talented yet unoriginal and non-threatening. I'm not all that familiar with her music, but what I've heard I could take or leave.
#9 - If you make the ultimate girl band, who would be the five members?
PB: Ginger Spice, Baby Spice, Scary Spice, Sporty Spice and Posh Spice. Which is not to say I want them to reunite, since their time has passed. I just wish they kept it together a while longer while they DID have it going on!
#10 - How bad is the poetry of Jewel?
PB: Like all "lyricists" everywhere, she's pretty bad. Though at least her words match her music and cloying "personality"
#11 - Avril Lavigne - evil or great?
PB: For me neither.
#12 - Finally, is there one unknown pop gem, or song, that you think should have been a hit that died on its arse?
PB: There's been thousands! Was "Disco Hippie" by Play ever released as a single? If not it should be.
CFB - Thanx mate! Anything else you want to say?
PB: I've said more than enough! Thanks!
And thankyou Mr Bagge! And thankyou gentlest, dearest reader! Thanx for reading my sweetest of sweet rabbits, and take care…
