All The Things She Said 03.20.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 03.20.2003
What a great day to do a lighthearted comedy column...
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to All The Things She Said, the column that says CIA, crisis, mayhem, horrible, inflation, military, flaming debris, fatal heart attack…
OK so going with the Evolution Control Committee wasn’t where I was going, but hey, sometimes that’s what gets stuck in your little blonde brain! Alternates were Kylie, Beth, Tori, Justin Timberlake and Goodbye Mr McKenzie. I know some of you keep track! Actually now I wish I’d gone with Winter (my favourite non pop song of all time) but it’s a bit late now! Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown….
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, time for more rubbish!
Oh and where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In Iraq! Ho Ho.
Incidentally, if you look up at the top of this website, you’ll see an advert for a camera or something, and this girl who bounces up and down all day on a trampoline, just happens to have a camera trained on her breasts! What are the chances of that happening!
Reborn in the USA “if you stay alive” update!
Quick update for latecomers: There’s a wonderful show in the UK which is called Reborn in the USA. Basically they’ve loaded up 10 has been pop stars, stuck them on a bus and paraded them around the States, and after each week, one of them gets voted off! Fab? When we left it last week, Sonia was on the verge of elimination. Well, much as this is my new obsession, some people are taking it WAY more seriously than me….
Sonia has reportedly been plagued with death threats on her website after winning the vote to stay on Reborn In The USA.
The Eighties star, who beat duo Dollar on Saturday, broke down after viewers told her "we hope you die".
Her management have kept the emails for a possible criminal investigation, according to The Sun.
Viewers saw Dollar - David Van Day and Thereza Bazar - and Sonia have a furious bust-up on ITV's Saturday night show.
David branded Sonia "desperate" and said her threat to quit the show last week was just a cynical stunt to win public sympathy.
Just as well this column is behind the Gina G (from last week I’m supporting her because she won votes by showing her arse, and is Aussie as!) push, cos I don’t want those angry Dollar fans coming round to kick my arse! Sadly my little Aussie pick is up for elimination! Everyone in the UK, get Elkie Brookes out! Keep the Aussie dream alive!
Geri v Reba in a battle of wits
Courtesy of the BBC, who I believe reported this on the radio with all the reverence it deserved
Spindly saucepot and ex Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has made the mother of all errors by mimicking America's No.1 Country and Western star Reba McEntire on the US TV show Good Day Live.
According to the Mirror, there was an almighty silence from the audience when Geri drawled: "Aaah jest lurve yer accent. Aah think it's nice and aah think it's fine. Aah don't know where I'm from. I'm from aaaall over. I'm just white trash."
Needless to say Reba, (who's the world's second best selling female artist after Barbara Streisand) didn't take too kindly to the impression. Still, at least this offers a clue as to Geri's much-discussed weight-loss. After all you can't shovel burgers in with both your feet in your mouth, right?
Isn’t that the most horrible thing you’ve ever heard? I mean I am physically sick reading that. Barbara Streisand is the biggest selling female artist in the world! I feel like throwing up right now!
But if you are offended you are wrong! Geri was being friendly! It’s the language of the UK. Now if I took offence every time some cockney geezer declared “Alright love, I’ve got a joey you can stick in your pouch” every time I was in London, I’d be a hyper sensitive little kid wouldn’t I? And anyway, it’s not like you should be silent. It’s GERI HALLIWELL, there’s 240000 comebacks if she makes fun of you! God, you can start with the Turkish game show stint and move upwards from there! I mean GERI HALLIWELL saying you are white trash….
And I love her and I’m saying that!
Incidentally, courtesy of the really rather compelling world of booking a UK lookalike , finally there’s a cheap way to book your own Geri to mock the accents at your party!
That’s either Geri Halliwell, or one of those go-go dancers in the background of Austin Powers 60’s sequences!
Random Interlude
Avril Lavigne lyrics worse than Lee “We Don’t Want No World War Sequel” Ryan, the poetry of Jewel, and that Madonna one about hotties and pilates…
I'm not the milk and cheerios in your spoon
Its not a simple hearing but not so soon
I might've fallen for that when I was fourteen
And a little more green
But its amazing what a couple of years can mean
The TATU experience
Here in Australia this week, my beloved TATU went to number 1 on the Australian singles charts with the single named after this column. I went in to buy it…
Claire: Hi can I buy the TATU Single?
Girl: No, we don’t stock it.
Claire: Why not.
Girl: I don’t know, we just don’t stock it…hey, you wanna buy Shania Twain!
God, that’s the second time that’s happened! What is it with the Shania Twain police! Anyway, here’s this weeks random TATU tribute!
UPDATE! Huzzah!
One day before the EBU deadline to submit songs for the Eurovision Song Contest 2003, the Russian broadcaster Channel 1 confirmed to eurosong.be that Tatu (Julia and Elena) will represent Russia with the song Ne ver', ne bojsia.
The song has been written by Mars Lasar and composed by Valeriy Polienko. The song will be performed in English, so it's a matter of waiting on the English title of the song.
With All the things she said Tatu had a huge number one hit in Europe.
Alright! Proper news! Get down to the funky sound!
We got the Coca-Cola Roller team at our school
Which story is better? The elephants playing polo one or this…
A school concert by Eric Clapton has been described as a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the staff, pupils and parents who watched it.
Clapton, 57, swapped the world's greatest concert venues for last night's event in the school hall at Birkdale School, Sheffield.
His 17-year-old daughter Ruth is a sixth-former at the fee-paying school and he agreed to stage the performance to raise money for music and computer equipment.
Demand was so high for the private concert that names had to be drawn out of a hat for the 790 tickets, which were sold for £22.50 each.
Head teacher Robert Court said Clapton performed some of his classic tracks before taking questions from the audience.
Mr Court said: "Playing such an intimate venue will have been quite a change from the stadiums Mr Clapton is used to. His performance was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience for all those involved and we are very grateful to him for giving up his time in this way."
He said the concert raised more than £10,000 which would be split between a drug rehabilitation centre in Antigua supported by Clapton and Friends of Birkdale School.
So they get Eric Clapton, who I don’t have a large amount of time for, but it’s still Eric Clapton, some school in Glasgow gets Travis…at my school we got the Coca Cola Yo-Yo team. Yes folks, it was 1986 and in the pouring rain, out they came in red lycra, taking their sweet time to get in JUST the right position to show off. Thirty seconds later, during a wonderful “Round The World”…the guy hit himself in the head with his yo-yo and had to go to hospital with concussion. Best thing is, I’ve still got my props from that day, a gold yo-yo I got because I could “Walk The Dog” and my sticker that says the Coca Cola PRECISION Yo-Yo team was “Ere”! Will Eric Clapton have the same impact? I THINK NOT!
Let’s get a Kit-Kat eaten?
OK, OK, so this website is in the grip of Andrew WK FEVER man, but I have a question. Like, I listened to that album and all the bloody songs sound like Party Hard! So the only summation is…he talks like that all the time! That’d be good wouldn’t it…
Newsagent: What can I get you Andrew?
Andrew WK: OH LET’S GET A PAPER READING, LET’S GET A PAPER READING, LET’S GET A PAPER READING, WE WILL ALWAYS PAPER HARD! PAPER HARD!
Newsagent: O….K…anything else?
Andrew WK: YEAH MAN! WOO!
Newsagent: Like?
Andrew WK: OH LET’S GET A KIT-KAT EATEN! LET’S GET A KIT-KAT EATEN! WE LIKE WHAT WE EAT AND WE LIKE WHAT WE DO! SO LET’S GET A KIT-KAT EATEN! WE CRUNCH WHAT WE LIKE AND WE LIKE WHAT WE CRUNCH!
Newsagent: Oh god…hey look, there’s Julie…she really fancies you…I think she loves you…
Andrew WK: OH LET’S GET THE SHAGGING STARTED! JULIE GET THE SHAGGING STARTED! WE ALL GET THE SHAGGING STARTED, WE ARE ALWAYS SHAGGING HARD, EVERYBODY!
Newsagents: Oh god…
What a tops as idea!
I got a videotape last night of a show from the UK called Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, a variety show where poor people try and win a computer or something. It’s very fine, but there was something that I found interesting. You see the presenters Ant and Dec have two kids on the show who are, well, little Ant and Dec, who do the interviews for them when they can’t be bothered. So to end this weeks column…I couldn’t be bothered, so I got my four year old cousin Jessica, strapped a blonde wig to her brunette curls, locked her in a room with the TATU album, and voila! Little Claire! Here’s what she wrote in her music journal for this week!
My name is Jessica and I am 4. I like Kylie Minogue, and this week she launched her new range of underpants. I asked Claire about underpants, and Claire said it’s important for a woman to feel sexy. I asked Claire who sexy was and why she kept feeling him. Claire didn’t laugh, and said I was silly. Sometimes Claire screws her face up and pouts. She looks silly.
I don’t like TATU. I think the one with the black hair looks really yuck. I drew TATU with big eyes and silly hair. Claire says they are lesbians, but maybe not really, or something. Claire says they are a great band, but Claire likes Debbie Gibson as well, and she is REALLY OLD! Claire sometimes gets on one knee and sings In His Mind and says it’s got her through some tough times. One time Jake hit me, and Claire tried to sing to me, but it didn’t help. Claire asked me about Christina Aguilera, and I liked her better when her genie was in her bottle. Claire says it a metaphor, but I think she’s making up words.
Guess what I did! I got my uncle to download thirteen Avril Lavigne songs on Claire’s computer! She’s not gonna be happy! Ha Ha!
Last week Claire interviewed a cartoonist. I interviewed the best drawer in our class at school, and I tried to ask him some questions, but he didn’t speak, he just drew. He smells.
Claire says no one likes the music she does. Claire says it makes her sad and not want to write in her journal anymore, but, like, not sad enough to quit. No one likes the music I do. I like Avril Lavigne. YOU FALL AND YOU CRAWL AND YOU BREAK! I’M WITH YOU! Claire says she’s shit, but I told her to SHUT UP! I heard that when Claire writes, everyone tells her she’s shit, and she should write about rap music. Claire has one rap CD, and that’s MC Hammer, and he’s REALLY OLD. When HAYDEN comes around, Claire hides her worse tapes and CDs, and she likes the SMASHING PUMPKINS, but she doesn’t tell anyone. When HAYDEN comes around she puts on Shola Ama to…I don’t know what this means…create a vibe. Shola Ama SUCKS!
Is this enough?
Jessica Angelica Massey
Aged 4
Well that little experiment went well. It’s all lies! By the way, check out this quote from vice admiral Timothy Keating. “When the president says go, we go, it’s HAMMER TIME!” From London to Bombay! It’s Hammer Go Hammer…
You know it’s not exactly the best day to be doing tops as little comedy music column, but hey, whenever things get too much, it’s always good to reflect on the words of the 2002 FIFA All Stars, and the song Live For Love United, a song that reminds me of happier times. After all, who could disagree…
For moments like this
For all those we’ve missed
We will live for Love United
Come together Undivided
We Will Stand Up
For All The People of The World
Have you ever dreamed of flying high?
Looking Down From Heaven with God’s eyes
You Know
We Could Use some intervention
Children Needing Your Protection
It’s Not Enough To Sing This Song
Lift The Cup And Pass it on…
I’m telling you, it’s new “Get Here”!
Adieu my sweet little rabbits. Take Care. Hug someone! Further reading can be found here and here!
