All The Things She Said 03.27.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 03.27.2003
They're not gonna get us, they're not gonna get us...
All The Things She Said
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to All The Things She Said, the column that says all I wanna do, all I wanna do is touch you…all I wanna do, all I wanna do…take a look inside my heart, tell me what you see, I may not be the innocent girl that you wanted me to beeeeeeeeee….
Ahh Dannii Minogue. How I love thee. Alternates for the office sweepstakes are T.A.T.U, Daphne and Celeste, Girls Aloud, Kylie Minogue and Britney. All on one great tape! And all on a website down with Linkin Park! God, what am I doing here!
So anyway, on with the news of this week, delivered in a serious BBC newsreader type voice.
Oh hang on! Before I start, I have one thing to say, as you may know I sign off on this thing with CFB. Well, I’ve found my logo!
See, it’s got CFB on it! Hooray for Swiss soccer team FC Basel! God bless em! NOW, on with the live cross to the BBC…
We Don’t Want No Fist-Face sequel…
You may be aware of this columns fondness for Blue singer Lee Ryan, after his “heartfelt” anti war single (and look at them all following the Lee Ryan bandwagon, like bloody R.E.M) Think Of The People soared to the top of my bad lyrics list. Here’s a sample for latecomers.
When are we gonna stand up as people
Realise that as people we’re all equal
We don’t want no world war sequel
For the love of god think of the people
Indeed. Sadly, the bouncers at a certain nightclub didn’t think of Lee….
BLUE singer Lee Ryan was roughed up by bouncers at a nightclub early yesterday —after dancing on the furniture.
The chart-topper was out with a pal at the Elysium in London's West End when the trouble started.
Lee, 20, said: "We were dancing and I jumped up on a couch and carried on, but a bouncer came up to me and told me to get down.
"I did, but after a while I jumped up again. I was just having fun and the next thing I knew I was in a scuffle with about six of them."
Lee, who has had two No1 hits with the boy band including Too Close, said he was kicked on the leg and punched in the face before being thrown out of a back exit.
The singer added: "I was shocked. One minute I was having a night out and the next I was roughed up.
"I woke in the morning with a gash to my right cheek and bruising all over my body, especially my legs.
"The band were supposed to be recording at the weekend but I can't sing properly
because I had my throat grabbed. I've had to take the day off."
Blue are set to storm the charts today when their new single U Make Me Wanna goes in the top five.
A spokesman for Elysium said last night: "Lee and his friends were a bit boisterous and our security staff were called. He then struck one of our doormen and we tried to remove him and a fight took place."
For the love of god, think of the people! Think of Lee! And Lee, we don’t want no fist-face sequel, so don’t dance on the couches! Think of the couches!
Update!
Blue star wants alien sex
Blue star Lee Ryan has confessed he wants to have sex with an alien.
He reckons there are extra-terrestrials living on the planet and says he would like to breed with one of them.
According to the Sun, the singer, famous for his eccentric outbursts, said: "I believe aliens really do exist and the human race is a big experiment.
"Think about it - have you ever looked at someone in the street and thought "you don't look right."
"If it was a girl alien I would go on a date with her, just to see what happens. We might even make a baby. Imagine that, a new species."
Meanwhile, Lee's bandmate Duncan has admitted he used to try to get himself abducted by aliens.
The boyband heart-throb was so desperate to get taken up into a spaceship that he went searching for UFOs with a friend.
Duncan revealed: "I really wanted to be abducted by aliens. I used to go UFO hunting with my mate. We'd drive up to this open area in Dorset and sit and watch the sky."
Hmmmm…I’m beginning to look at Lee and think “something aint quite right…”
T.A.T.U take on Eurovision
Of course, here’s this weeks random T.A.T.U tribute…
Now that is out of the way, following on from last weeks T.A.T.U to enter Eurovision declaration, the girls have come out fighting!
Russia has unveiled a secret weapon for the Eurovision Song Contest on May 24 as Tatu are to represent to country.
Julia Volkova and Lena Katina will be hoping to bring the trophy home to Moscow for the first time. They will perform a new track called "Ne ver, ne bojsia," which means Do Not Be Afraid, Do Not Despair.
Julia told The Sun: "No one should be scared of us but we're going to win Eurovision."
Lena added: "We wanted to do this because we are Russians, body and soul. We want to blast everything that's gone before with our sexy act."
Quite rightly too, though worryingly the wonderful Popjustice has threatened to close if the girls win, so that would be bad! However, it’s hard to imagine who could stop them. Cyprus? Slovenia? GO GIRLS! Blast away!
Update!
From Megastar
The pair, Julia Volkova and Lena Katina, will show how far Russia has moved away from its dour Communist roots when they perform their song Ne ver, ne bojsia (No Faith, No Belief).
Says Julia: "We want to blast everything that’s gone before with our sexy act."
And that that goes for this year’s German entry, Lou.
"She looks like she’s worn out more men in her life than we have had vodka bottles," says Lena. "We would push her straight off the edge of the bed."
And they used to tell us during the cold war Russians didn’t have a sense of humour! Eurovision’s first catfight? I know who this column is backing!
More Andrew WK, by popular demand!
Birdwatcher: OK...good to see everyone here...Wanda, great to see you...love the hat...OK, you all know why we are here, we are here to look for the rarest bird on the planet, the lesser spotter Peruvian finch, and...er...who are you?
Andrew WK: ANDREW WK MAN! HERE FOR THE ROCK!
Birdwatcher: Can you quieten down please? You'll scare the birds...
Andrew WK: OH LET'S GET THE FINCHES SPOTTED! LET'S GET THE FINCHES SPOTTED! SPOT THE BIRDS! SPOT THE BIRDS! LET'S GET A ROBIN SPOTTED! WE WATCH WHAT WE LIKE AND LIKE WHAT WE WATCH!
Birdwatcher: God man, will you shut up, you're scaring the birds! Wanda, quick, my binoculars...
Andrew WK: OH LET'S GET BINOCULARS, AND LET'S LOOK THROUGH THE LENS, WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING HARD! HEY YOU, YOU LOOK BIG ALRIGHT! AND THROUGH THE LENS YOU CAN FEEL IT RIGHT! SO LET'S GET BINOCULARS AND LET'S GET BINOCULARS, WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING HARD!
Birdwatcher: Right, that's it, you've scared the birds away now! I knew I should have stayed at home and watched the Partridge family...
Andrew WK: AH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY!
Birdwatcher: Why have you brought a drummer into the woods?
Andrew WK: OH LET'S WATCH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY! LET'S WATCH THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY! WHATEVER WE ARE DOING, WE WILL ALWAYS PARTRIDGE HARD! I LIKED BONADUCE AND RUBEN KINCAID...SO LET'S GET A PARTRIDGE GOING, WE WILL ALWAYS PARTRIDGE HARD!
Birdwatcher: Oh god…
Two Little Girls…
As a really good trivia question for a pub quiz night, who had the last number one UK single of the 1960s (and thus possibly, the first of the 1970s!). The Beatles? Nah. The Rolling Stones? Please! Elton John? Not even close…
It’s ROLF HARRIS! Aussie wobble master and fantastic artist, the man behind such absolute classics as Two Little Boys, Six White Boomers and Jake The Peg, the latter about a men with three legs! You might know him from his cover version of “Stairway to Heaven”. Superb! Well, courtesy of the official website of Mr Harris you can now vote for songs he should cover on his brand new album! Fantastic! I voted for…
“All The Things She Said”
“Confide In Me”
“Oops I Did It Again”
Though, a tribute to T.A.T.U entitled “Two Little Girls” would be super!
Interest in Reborn in the USA…
Is officially cancelled. Gina G was voted out. You won’t hear another word from me about it…
From Justin To Kelly to your hearts….
Long time readers of this column may remember a brief item about the movie “From Justin To Kelly”, a flick which is light on Eminem style realism, but full of Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson (from American Idol) larking about the beach, and this columns fervent prayer that it replicate that other larking about the beach film “Weekend At Bernies”. Well, since I’ve signed up “exclusive updates” about the film, I’ve received 0 e-mails about the film, so anyway, in lieu of the fact no-one is keeping me updated, here’s the poster!
55% of what vote? Why was I not informed? And I tell you this right now, if Justin Guarini doesn’t die in this movie and get hit in the groin 20 or 30 times while Kelly pretends he’s alive, they won’t get red cent of Claire Flynn Boyle’s money, no sirree!
Yo ass is banned, Hot Hot Heat!
Rising stars HOT HOT HEAT have seen their track 'BANDAGES' removed from playlist at BBC RADIO 1, as the nation's programmers get jittery over the output on their stations.
The track had been on the B list on the station, guaranteeing 15 plays a week and a potential audience of millions. It has been removed because of a "prevalence of the word 'bandages' in the song", a spokesperson said.
Being playlisted on Radio 1 practically rubber-stamps a healthy chart position. 'Diamonds And Guns' by The Transplants has also been removed from the B list.
"We're attempting to be sensitive to the expectations of listeners," the Radio 1 spokesperson said.
Wonderful! Bandages are now officially offensive! That’s Nelly finished then! Why when I look at the bandage on his face, I just want to go nuts! God, who else can we ban? Well, I know a girl with a marble size hole in her heart who is permanently offended by “My Heart Will Go on” so that’s scrubbed. Got to be sensitive to the expectations of listeners! And “Walking Away”, surely that offends the sensibilities of our paraplegic community. As for me, I’ve always found “Colourblind” by Darius Danesh to offend my gran, who thinks my purple sweater is pink (and won’t be told otherwise!) and I’m personally offended by the entire career of Toploader…what’s that…Toploader have broke up? God, play what you like! I’m off to an all night party!
This week’s bad lyrics random interlude
Step forward the wonderful Meja, with “It’s All About The Money”…take it away Meja…
Sometimes I find another world
inside my mind
when I realise
the crazy things we do
It makes me feel ashamed to be alive
It makes me wanna run away and hide
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
And I don't think It's funny
to see us fade away
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
and I think we got it all wrong anyway
We find strange ways of showing
them how much we really care
when in fact
we just don't seem to care at all
This pretty world
is getting out of hand
So tell me how we fail to understand?
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
And I dont think Its funny
to see us fade away
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
and I think we got it all wrong anyway
Anyway
Cause it's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
And I don't think it's funny
to see us fade away
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
and I think we got it all wrong
Anyway
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
And I don't think it's funny
to see us fade away
It's all 'bout the money
It's all 'bout the dum dum der der dum dum
and I think we got it all wrong anyway
Anyway
What the bloody hell was that all about? And yes, I did buy it! I still play it! Doesn’t mean the lyrics are good!
How much sprouts would a sprout picker pick…
A part-time sprout picker who tricked his fiancée out of £73,500 by claiming he was a wealthy singer-songwriter has been convicted of fraud and theft.
Brian Simpson, 42, from Grantham, Lincolnshire, claimed he wrote songs for boy bands Westlife and Boyzone and knew singer Madonna.
He met newly widowed Linda Pinnock, 44, at a singles club in Cambridgeshire.
A jury at Cambridge Crown Court unanimously found Simpson guilty of four charges on Friday after deliberating for just 90 minutes.
He denied three charges of obtaining property by deception, and denied one count of stealing furniture from Mrs Pinnock's farmhouse.
The jury heard during the trial that Simpson, a part-time Brussels sprout picker in the Fens, claimed he was a world-famous songwriter.
Simpson claimed he had travelled all over the world performing as the lead singer in a band called The Rockateers, but had decided to shun the limelight.
In November 2001, they were living in a caravan after Mrs Pinnock sold her £200,000 farmhouse in Haddenham, Cambridgeshire.
The caravan was on the land of a house she had bought in Nottinghamshire.
During the two years of their relationship, Simpson continued to claim he ran a music company and had bought a £4m premises in Birmingham and was looking to buy a £2.5m home in Brazil.
But just weeks before he "bought" the premises, the couple were reduced to eating marmite sandwiches for three days because they were so hard up and Mrs Pinnock was forced to sell her Rolex watch to tide them over.
The court heard Mrs Pinnock had withdrawn £33,000 and £40,000 in two separate amounts, which she lent to Simpson.
But Simpson claimed that she cleared her account out because she did not want any involvement in her late husband's business.
The court heard that Simpson told Mrs Pinnock that he avoided having a high profile because he did not want any publicity.
Their relationship ended early in 2003.
Mrs Pinnock told the court she had believed Simpson because she loved him.
"I fell in love with him the first night.
"He was absolutely charming and I admired him," she told the court.
"I thought he was dead handsome and he struck me as a super guy."
Judge Patrick O'Brien adjourned sentencing for four weeks for a psychiatric report to be compiled and remanded Simpson in custody.
The thing is, if only he had declared he picked SPROUTS! That’s enough to impress anyone! Hell, I’m more impressed by sprout pickers than Westlife. But surely we should leave the last word to Ross Gellar from Friends who when Monica asked why would a guy do this (ie. lie), declared “I presume we’re looking for an answer more sophisticated than to get you into bed…”
Well that’s all I can think of to write about this week (but I did maintain this columns guaranteed 2000 word minimum!). For further reading go here for discourses on Hector the Booty Inspector and Marky Mark, Dannii Minogue apprecation day and Ringo Starr and why he should have won an Oscar and here for quasi hippy rubbish! Huzzah! Until then my sweet rabbits, take care and hugs!
