All The Things She Said 04.24.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 04.24.2003
Donnie D's on the back up...
Welcome To All The Things She Said, the column that says Kate Moss can’t find a job.
Yes, I’ve got had Jewel and her sailor style singalong Intuition stuck right in the front cranium. It’s not coming out!
Anyway, this is a mea culpa. The last two columns have been shite! They’ve been dispiritingly devoid of anything that might be called wit or invention. In fact, they’ve just been utterly unreadable bland fade into the background crap. I swore I’d never do that, and to be fair to me, I’ve been either a) about to get on a plane or b) pissed. But still, you, yes you, the person who took the time to connect to the internet, sift past your home page, go to 411 mania and click on my little pea green hyperlink deserve a lot better. Yes, the 6 of you out there! You deserve better than columns knocked off like a homework assignment So this week, I’ve decided to try my very best to do better. I promise!
Firstly goodbye Nina Simone. I can’t pay you any kind of huge tribute, but I do know that when I went through my ultra brief Patti Smith phase, there were 2000 CDs of yours and none of hers. So…er…goodbye.
Also happy ANZAC day to any Aussies out there. They died so we could eat tasty but plain biscuits. That’s an Aussie joke everyone else…
Also I have a favourite website. Check out the wonderful world of Jobber Universe , a slightly suspect video tribute to the hot jobbers of the wrestling world! Sample video content…
6) NAILZ vs RON CUMERLIDGE- Beefcake Ron’s flawless body is beat upon, then he choked with a police stick. Man. They bring out the stretcher. Hot.
Sign up right now! And tonight, it’s the start of the Australian National Netball League, so I’d like to make a big shout out to my home girl Joanne Morgan! Go Plugger! That means nothing to anyone…so here is something that does!
The comeback is on
Now let me clear about something this week: I love Britney Spears. Now I know that’s not exactly the most wonderous opinion to have considering the general consensus of this website is “She’s so lame I wouldn’t even do her!” which is so sweet you guys! Anyway, as the only person here who remotely defends the gal, it pleases me to note there are people even more devoted to La Spears than me. Yes, I draw your attention to the wonderful WorldOfBritney.com , a website that makes my collection of two T-Shirts, most of the singles and all three albums seem like the piss poor attempt at devotion that it is. In fact, if you were wondering just how devoted they are…they made a film about it!
Yes, that would be Divine Intervention. Here’s a brief outline…
Divine Intervention: A Serendipitous Film About Britney Spears is a 1 hour documentary produced by World of Britney.com where we show the fans Britney as they have never seen her before. We visit her hometown of Kentwood, interview Nyla Price (NYLA's Burger Basket), visit her mansion "Serenity" and show the full un-edited Rally Against Cancer event that took place on March 2nd, 2003, including our own interview with Britney Spears. We also interview Felicia Culotta, her personal assistant, and later that day, catch Britney and Jamie-Lynn playing basketball at Serenity by dusk. We also feature clips of her brother Bryan, her mother Lynne and her father Jamie Spears. This documentary was made by fans for the fans and is making those fans that have already watched feel closer to Britney than ever before. The film has already been watched by over 3500 fans online.
I totally adore this kind of stuff, and plan to purchase the thing (which you download from the site) the exact second my little butt gets back in Australia. A full review will be up ASAP. And as if that wasn’t exciting enough…she got a new haircut…which I would put up except for the fact I can’t find a bloody small picture of it! It’s short and brunette and will be the cut of the summer. Now, given their devotion to all things Britney, it’s only right I get to make my own documentary…
Jo Breezer – Touched by An Angel. Join us as we follow no hit English singer Jo Breezer around and show her as her fan has never seen her before. We visit the London shoe shop Breezer now works in, and see how her interaction with the customers shows a side you don’t normally see. We visit her one bedroom apartment in Kensington and fight the bailiffs who try and repossess her television. We also attend a charity event in London supporting the NSPCA…that Jo organised on her own! Well, when I say organised, she organised her own attendance! This documentary was made by her fan (her one fan) and our goal is making that fan feel closer to her than ever before! Well…at least until his apprehended violence order runs out!
Sounds good doesn’t it! Stay tuned!
Avril – for the last time
Ah yes, this is probably the last Avril criticism. The column needs a shake up, and so, I might just slag off someone else from now on. However…one last dig…
Anything but ordinary. That's putting it mildly when describing Avril Lavigne. A SKATER-PUNK, a dynamic spirit, a true wild child. One of those rare creatures who started wowing people with her voice and character at around age 2. A small-town kid who couldn't sit still in class but had the confidence and determination to take off, virtually on her own, to hone her songwriting skills in New York City and Los Angeles.
Avril Lavigne’s bio from her official site…
That's what happens when someone gets really big. Then everyone just tries to bring them down. Second of all, I never, ever claimed to be PUNK, thank you," she laughs. "The media labelled me as punk. That was because I was a little teenage girl who came out and wasn't the typical pop bubblegum little act. So everyone just like decided to label me punk because I was different and I had more of edge.
And this weeks interview de jour…I told you the skateboard was going back in the props cupboard…and that’s it. I’ve had my say! At least…until next week…
Goodbye S Club 7
British Popsters S Club 7 announced this week live on stage in London that they would be splitting up. We will always have the memories I guess…the slightly insane TV show where the characters would help out, say, a trailer park through the power of song. The really probably ace film Seeing Double. The dolls. The wonderful pop single Don’t Stop Movin that sampled Michael Jackson. The magazine to dress like an S Clubber. In truly Colonel Parker saying nothing has changed fashion, S Club Juniors (same kind of songs, but kids) are being moved into the Senior slot, as S Club 8. Now you KNOW I love pop being taken seriously, so I checked into some S Club forums to bring you the straight dope…
PartyOn: I can’t cope today. It’s like something has exploded in my head. I’m going to have a fucking big cry.
ExPlOder: This is the worst day of my whole entire life. I can never get over it.
X-PLOD-7: im crying my eyes off, s club chnaged my life, their music spoke to me and oh god i feel so bad, the fucking juniors will be hated from know on, i hope they flop majorly, i hope they die!!!!!! and i mean that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is more, but it’s sad day in pop…lest we forget, there aint no party like an S Club Party…
Claire speaks to the stars!
The following is an actual conversation I had with Noel Gallagher OUAT. I hope you enjoy…
Claire: (In Britney T-Shirt) Alright…
Noel: …Baby One More Time is a fucking tune!
Claire: Yeah. Yes it is.
Noel: Shame she’s a cunt though.
Claire: Yeah, but she’s a rich cunt…
Noel: Not as rich as me our kid…
More Claire speaks to the stars next week!
Dear Sweet Jesus Lord No…
According to Australian TV and news reports, Australian pop poppet Holly Valance is poised to become the new Buffy The Vampire Slayer once SMG goes onwards to her Shelley Long/David Caruso/Luke Perry style film career. On behalf of…er…myself, someone who was once in a Buffy discussion group (don’t ask!) PLEASE GOD NO! There is only one person suitable to be the new Buffy…
Kendra MUST come back from the dead. Just cos I could take the piss out of the accent. Where’s the fun in an Aussie being the Slayer? God, that’s quite the tangent isn’t it!
People we (in Paris) be hating this fine week…
#1 – The Dixie Chicks
Go off on weird political tangents all you want, do NOT inflict that stupid Landslide song on me! Off with you!
#2 – John Mayer
Just as boring, but way more arrogant…
#3 – Norah Jones
Even more boring, but 8-0 over Avril at the Grammy’s will always be treasured…
#4 – Geelong Football Club
Did you HAVE to start trying against the Dees?
#5 – Avril Lavigne
Do you need a reason?
There aint nothing in this world I couldn’t do…
Debating clubs, in Australia, are the preserve of rich kids in blazers who stand up and tell you “wacky” ideas about why a turtle should be our head of state (those wacky upper classes). Luckily, debating in America seems to be more free spirited. In a VERY rare diversion into rap, this is what DMX (isn’t that a bike?) had to say about his feud with Ja Rule…
Asked if he was jealous of Ja, X said, "I'd be jealous of the Backstreet Boys when they sold more than me. The only reason you think of jealous of you [Ja Rule] is because you know you sound like me. That's common fucking sense, man. You think Backstreet Boys are jealous of N'Sunk or whatever the fuck they name is? Fuck no - they have better things to worry about." As for his label dissing him, X added, "Goin' back to Backstreet. They made their label huge and brought them in shitloads of money and now they can't record, I heard, because their label is fucking them around. I feel them. They're real mutha fuckas in their own way, but their management 'team' refuses to recognize that shit. I feel those men or boys or whatever the fuck you wanna call them. We give our souls to our music. We put our lives on the fucking wax and [the labels] treat us like shit."
Well this column is happy to its life on the fucking wax every week. Word up, dope murdarahs! For the record, I really want to somehow, someway, in some bizarre fashion, organise a hip-hop version of Scrabble. I know it would sell. Triple word score for “mothafucka”, no points for bling bling cos that’s outdated…don’t tell me I couldn’t get the kids interested in Scrabble, you damn hoes!
And if all that wasn’t exciting enough!!!!!!!!!!!!
SEAL is making a comeback! Isn’t that exciting boys and girls! SEAL has a new single! Remember him? The geezer that sang Kiss From a Rose? What do you mean no? It’s SEAL? Anyone? Where are you going? It’s exciting isn’t it? Anyone care?
Strange Kissing Ladies E-Mail
As always, homage…
But the oddest thing this week was this e-mail…
Dear Claire,
Thanks for joining TEAM TATU! You’re work in promoting TATU through your column has been great. You’ve always got a photo and a cheery word about the group. However, its come to light you have a 4 year old cousin. She’s not interested in doing some modelling is she? Does she go to school? Does she have a uniform? Can she make it to Moscow any time soon? We were just wondering.
Your friend,
Ivan Shapolov
Hmmmmmm…..
Well that’s about all I can think of. I hope you feel enlightened and entertained. Probably not! Until next week, to both of the people who read this, adieu my sweet rabbits!
