All The Things She Said 04.03.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 04.03.2003
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Welcome to All The Things She Said, the column that said those 3 small words came way too late, cos you can’t see that I’m the one…
It was Josie and the Pussycats all the way this week! No alternates! There was minor consideration to “No Good Advice” by Girls Aloud, but no chance of anything else getting in my brain. I actually went into a CD shop today and just pottered because I had no idea what the bloody hell to buy. Then this girl bounded over with a White Stripes sticker and then bounced off again. Bizarre days out at CD shops rule!
This week marks my one year anniversary of writing for this website, as it was roughly one year ago I was hired to review video tapes for 411. Now I was going to go on and on about it, and do some kind of “hilarious” special, but I can honestly say that this one comment on a certain message board can pretty much sum up year one…
Back when 411 was looking for tape reviewers, I applied. Mainly because I hadn't written for a website in about 1 year, yet my work was improving, as I would post my reviews here. MANY PEOPLE enjoyed my Best of Summer 93 comp review. By many, I mean at least a dozen. There was NO negative feedback. So I figured that would be a good review to submit to 411.
They never responded to me. Instead that hired that dumb bimbo Claire Flynn Boyle, some idiot with a shark gimmick, who rates matches with little fish (like these <>-<), and some guy who will only rate matches that are below *1/2 or higher than **1/2. What the fuck is that?
The shark dude disappeared because people hated him more than CFB, who has yet to review an actual WRESTLING tape. This women reviews fucking basement women's wrestling and goes off on tangents about her pizza delivery guy. FUCK YOU WIDRO & ASHISH!!!!!!!
Even if they offered me money to write for them, I would tell them to take their fucking offer and shove it up their collective asses.
RetroRob, TheSmartMarks Message Board, 15.09.2002
Happy birthday to me! MANY PEOPLE have enjoyed my work. It’s been positive vibes all the way! Now that this blatant self indulgence is over, it’s on with the ramblings!
This week, Lee Ryan did this…
If there is a place to start this week, as always, it’s with the wonderful singer from British boy band member Lee Ryan. Earlier, Lee sang a wonderful anti war ditty about not wanting no world war sequel, then got in a fight, and latterly admitted he wanted to have sex with aliens. This week, according to the Sun, Lee’s ex paramour (member of not really very good British girl band Atomic Kitten) Liz McClarnon burst into tears when someone asked her if it was true she had a house full of pictures of our Lee. She was horrified at the accusation and began rocking in a catatonic state. Band mate Jenny tried to smooth things over with a joke, but it went down really badly, and Liz was ushered to a waiting psychologist. Then someone asked Lee about charity work….
“There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do charity work, or, er, er, er, well, years in a millennium either.”
Then he managed to declare he wanted to see Tony Blair’s kids with 70% burns! Thanks Lee. You make this job so very, very easy…
All The Things She Said presents TATU
Now this week, I actually fractionally got worried about TATU, when I got e-mailed this report….
Tatu and Rammstein
Tatu girls are ready to record a song with Rammstein. This will be the most unpredicted project. Producer of Tatu, Ivan Shapovalov, and Rammstein’s management are now discussing the details. Maybe very soon Tatu will release a new song with a touch of German sound manager’s hand. Tatu’s vocal, and Rammstein’s music might turn out to be a great combination.
Oh terrific. All The Things She Said in a heavy German accent with those spooky guitars. WE LAY ON THE GRASSSSSSSSSSSS…please god no. Anyway, they remain essential, and the official band of this column. As always. Just say no to Rammstein though PLEASE, even though the idea of kissing ladies, masks and flaming guitars all together is probably exciting for people. Mind you, if Rob Zombie can work with Lionel Ritchie…
Yes folks, there is still time to bid for Brian from the Backstreet Boys car. Not just any car, but a NON PROBLEM CAR LOW MILES GARGE KEEP WELL SERVICED ORIGINAL OWNER BRIAN FROM BACK STREET BOYS…
Here’s the proud owner looking…well…proud!
Get to it! Get that piece of the American Dream! No, not Dusty Rhodes…
I’m more real, dawg…
From the leading news service of South India
WASHINGTON: "I'm still I'm still Jenny from the block" croons Jennifer Lopez in her latest hit single. But is she the same Jenny who in the 90's was a lowly dancer on cult American new-talent show 'In Living Color', alongside the likes of Jim Carrey?
J Lo doesn't seem to remember.
Writer Robert Schwimmel was a big friend of the sexy singer. 'The writers used to eat with the dancers and the crew,' recalls Schwimmel wistfully in PeopleNews, 'so I used to eat with Jennifer Lopez every night and we'd crack jokes together.'
Imagine then how delighted the sociable hack was to meet up with his old chum in a Los Angeles restaurant.
'Hey Jennifer, how doin'?' called Schwimmel, only to be met with a stony 'Who are you?'
Seems fair. I mean just yesterday I drove past someone in the Porsche who SWORE he went to school with me. And as I splashed him by driving through a puddle, I patted myself on the back that I was keeping it real. Claire from the block dawg.
Random Interlude
This weeks random philosophy cum bad lyrics comes from Sonique, with her treatise on the sky, called, er…Sky…take it away Sonique!
Look at me
It really was not easy
But I can breathe
And I’m so grateful ‘cause I can see
I am free
To do exactly what I please
So come with me
To a place where we can be ohhh oh oh oh oh oh ........
Chorus:
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna hold you I wanna love you tonight
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna satisfy I wanna make you cry
Follow me
To a place where we can be absolutely free
To be exactly what you wanna be completely
Lose control that’s why I need you more
Give me the key to set your heart and spirits free ooohhhhh yeeeaaahhh
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna hold you I wanna love you tonight
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna satisfy I wanna make you cry
I know what I want and I know that I need it right now
Gonna take you on a journey to a far away place now
Gonna take you on a journey to a far away place now........uhhhhhhh
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna hold you I wanna love you tonight
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna touch the sky I wanna fly so high
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna satisfy I wanna make you cry
Ohhhh like a bird in the sky just a you and I
I’m gonna fly like a bird in the sky just a you and I
We’re gonna fly like a bird in the sky just you and I
Repeat 4 x till fades
I wanna love you now
I wanna take you high
I wanna give you everything that you desire
I think we all feel a little better having heard that don’t we…
When stupidity is your friend…
Are you feeling stupid? Are your grades (as you American kids call them) not very good or your spelling is tertally reelyy pour? Well don’t worry kids, now you can follow the example of Avril Lavigne and just say “I’m KEEPING IT REAL!”. No really, read this…
While any serious pop star or political wannabe signs up for media training to carefully craft an image, Avril Lavigne made it big talking through her hair and giving into teenage moodiness on live TV.
Her manager said he prefers she make a fool of herself than be fake. "It's about keeping it real, that's all it is," says Terry McBride, king of the Nettwerk management group and record label.
"When you're in a business that is usually fed by trainers and coaches for everything, what happens is the person comes off as not being real, not talking for that generation and doing things that generation looks at and goes 'that's sort of boring,' " says McBride.
The approach may make record labels sick with nerves and audiences cringe sometimes, but it works just as well as reality TV.
The Much Music message boards have been lit up with fans praising Lavigne for saying what she wants almost as soon as she started telling journalists she was tired and finds interviews annoying.
"I used to get a call from (Lavigne's) record label every single day. Every single day. It was just funny," says McBride.
"She's 18 and she acts 18 and sometimes she gets killed for it, and as such I think kids relate to her."
18? Isn’t she 18 and acting 6? That’s why the kids relate! She’s down with the pre school English! Get the skateboard! Keep it real with a box of crayons!
And now, the song that will save pop music…maybe
I don’t know if I’ve ever really mentioned my devotion to Vitamin C, and how ANNOYING it was her worst song ever (the twee cubed “Graduation”) was her biggest hit ever. Vacation is one of the top three pop songs ever recorded. Anyway, she’s back! And she’s covered “Last Nite” by the Strokes! And she’s underpinned it with “Heart Of Glass” by Blondie. And it’s FREAKING TOPS! Kill your granny, let no one stand in your way of finding this song…she may replace TATU if this level of brilliance is maintained…
And now, this is for the kids…
I’m sure there are people old and young who read this column and get something vague out of it. Maybe you need guidance. So here is guidance, courtesy of Asher D from the So Solid Crew, the UK posse pirate garage…thing.
ASHER D, of SO SOLID CREW, has launched a campaign called Disarm – asking fans to leave their guns at home when they go to gigs. The rapper, jailed last year for having a pistol, pleaded with youngsters: "Bring your queen, leave your machine”. He added: “We’re not allowing this no more. It’s affecting our So Solid career.”
Bring your Queen? It’s the So Solid Chess Club! Wicked! “Yo bitch, you moved your pawn, I’m gonna bust a cap in yo ass!”
And aside from surreal swirling rumours of a man who’s job is to oil Kylie Minogue’s arse, and Madonna going yellow in her old age (so sad, so sad) that’s really it for the news. I hope we all learned something. It’s been a strange and bizarre year writing for you all, even if I’m on a par with sort of Rodney Mack in the Internet world. Who knows if there will be a year two? You know, if I wasn’t so tired and pottering around the edges of a fractious relationship tonight, then maybe I’d devote some time to a soft shoe shuffle and a glass of champagne to celebrate my first year, but instead, I’m off to sleep!
Adieu my sweet one year old rabbits. There is, as always, further reading HERE and HERE !
X
CFB
