All The Things She Said 04.10.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 04.10.2003
She told me to send in a tag line that was "Sponsored by Wong's Chicken Palace, Geelong, Australia"
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome To All The Things She Said, the column that says I’m not sorry, it’s human nature, and I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry, I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me…
I was going to go with the ever popular “would it sound better if I was a man” but if you read those lyrics, sob. Remember when Madonna was interesting, feisty and bloody up for a scrap! Now she’s pulling videos and singing stupid songs about Pilates. Rubbish. Oh well, that’s the nature of inspiration, one day it’s there, the next…
Anyway, I’m off to Paris very shortly for a bit of a break, but I will be here next week, lest someone come in and try and steal my little spot! I’m also dedicated enough to write this week between flu (not THAT one) and packing. Mild pat on the back for me! By the way, as a conspiracy theory, cockroaches are to blame for the SARS virus. And who will be the only animal left after a nuclear war…think about it…
This week’s column will feature reports from the really rather fab Iraqi information minister…Saeed Al Sahaf. The one who says everything is fine as a bomb drops 3 feet behind him. He’ll be providing updates on how well this column is going…
As always, we start with Lee Ryan
As an update, Lee began his streak by singing the fabulous anti-war single “Think Of The People”, followed up by talking of sex with aliens, got in a punch up, wanted Tony Blair’s kids burnt at the stake (or something) and then his ex got all teary about being asked if she had a houseful of photos of Lee. So what did Lee say this week…
The Mirror reports Blue star Lee Ryan is talking about his threesome in Chinawhite two weeks ago. "I've had a couple of threesomes and they weren't bad," he said. "But you can't really concentrate on both girls at the same time."
Well said mate. You keep things interesting.
Saeed Al Sahaf says: “Lee Ryan is the best singer in the whole world! He thinks of the people! He never says anything weird! He’s a genius!”
There wasn’t much news in comedy lesbian land…
The Kissing Ladies didn’t do much this week, but god bless them just for being them…
STOP PRESS!
STRAIT-LACED Eurovision bosses are demanding to vet rehearsals of TATU’s saucy act — so they can axe any lesbian scenes.
They fear LENA KATINA and JULIA VOLKOVA are planning an outrageous act and have warned they will be disqualified if they break the rules of the cheesy show on May 24.
Event co-ordinator Sarah Yuen said: “It will be made very clear they cannot spring anything new on the night.”
But redhead Lena said: “We’re going to explode the foundations of this contest and show them something they have never seen before.”
Saeed Al Sahaf says “That was a great piece of news! Keep up the good work! All other columns will fall before your hilarious pictures!”
Incidentally, as I reported earlier on CFB Goes pop , movies are in dire trouble, given Jen and Ben are making Casablanca, Holly Valance is making Street Fighter 2 and live versions of Garfield and Thunderbirds are being made. ONLY TATU remaking Love Story can save music. You know it makes sense.
Remember not dumb, keeping it real…
More classic Avril and this time it’s from the Canadian press….
Avril Lavigne speaks out on Iraqi war
Pop star applauds Canada's stance
By ANGELA PACIENZA -- Canadian Press
OTTAWA -- You'd expect it from the likes of Paul McCartney, Moby and most recently, The Dixie Chicks.
But Avril Lavigne? Turns out the punk princess has her own opinions on the war in Iraq -- and strong ones to boot.
Slouched on a couch in a private room backstage after winning her fourth Juno Award on Sunday night, the 18-year-old high school dropout turned international popstar, munched on greasy pizza, using her fingers to pick off the pepperoni, looking like she'd rather be celebrating her success with buddies than a reporter.
So when she stopped chomping on the slice and started chatting about the ongoing battles in Iraq, it came as a surprise. Only minutes before, the notoriously bratty young singer had barely offered five consecutive words to journalists at a press conference.
"I don't believe war is a way to solve problems. I think it's wrong. I don't have respect for the people that made the decisions to go on with war. I don't have that much respect for (U.S. President George) Bush. He's about war, I'm not about war -- a lot of people aren't about war," she said forcefully.
When pressed about how apprised she really is about the situation in Baghdad, she candidly admitted to not following the news on a daily basis but said she knows the "obvious things."
"I know there's issues in Iraq. I'm not really a political person. It's hard for me to talk about the war. I don't really know what to say but I can say that I'm really proud that our Prime Minister didn't...fight, backed out from it."
That's why, the young singer said, she took the time to record a cover of the Bob Dylan classic peace song Knocking On Heaven's Door for a CD project, called Peace Songs, with contributions going to children in Iraq through War Child Canada.
"I was honoured to be able to be on that CD, do whatever I could with what I do to help out children who'd been affected by the war. It's a horrible thing," she said fervently.
The song, she added, was her choice.
"It was, like, one of the first ones I learned on the guitar when I was little. It just brings back memories of being young and loving music, just being a child. It's a peaceful song to me. I really like it."
Whether it was the rush of holding all four of her trophies for a photo op or basking in the glow of thousands of screaming fans at Ottawa's Corel Centre, Lavigne seems to have matured over the past year. She's gone through months filled with countless public appearances and media interviews, during which she built a reputation of being an inarticulate, bored teenager who can only muster half-sentences largely using the words "like," "you know" and "whatever."
But her enthusiasm quickly evaporated when talk turned back to the humdrum of her career.
She starts her North American tour Wednesday night in Toronto to a sold-out crowd at the Air Canada Centre.
The aptly named Try To Shut Me Up tour will be a what-you-see-is-what-you-get sort of deal, sans any bells and whistles, said Lavigne.
"I don't really have any surprises. I have chatty nights and I also have nights where I just sing my songs and say hi and thanks," she said, turning back to the pizza slice.
Does she have the charisma necessary to command audiences of upwards 20,000 people for over an hour?
"I already pulled off a headlining tour in Europe. Sometimes it's a bit more difficult to be over on the other side of the world where a lot of people don't speak your language and it's sometimes not convenient when you're in that type of atmosphere where all the food is different and to get things to meet your needs is a bit more difficult."
In her various acceptance speeches and appearances throughout the Juno weekend, Lavigne said she was looking forward to continuing to make more music, as if responding to some recent criticism that the singer's popularity, which relies almost exclusively on the fickle teen market, will soon wane like that of Britney Spears.
But Lavigne -- who after receiving a diamond award over the weekend can boast that about one in 30 Canadians owns of copy of her debut album Let Go -- said she wasn't replying to those comments in her statements.
"They can think what they want to think cuz they think all kinds of things," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm here and I'm independent, doing what I wanna do, the things I gotta do."
STRONG OPINIONS! WOO! Would that be the first thing AL and I agree on…after this column is, like, not about war…god…keeping it real dawg….
Saeed Al Sahaf says: “Claire, you are genius. But Avril Lavigne is super intelligent, and a real bright spark. It is going well for her and you! Soon, the world will be ours! Did I tell you we are winning the war…
Random lyrics interlude
This weeks bad lyrics come from a bit of an old classic, “Plastic Jesus” by Ernie Marrs. Enjoy…
I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car
I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.
Trouble coming He don't see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright -
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I'm tight,
They never find my bottle - though they ask.
Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb -
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.
Just absolute total genius…
Saaed Al Sahaf says: “That song is AWESOME. It’s bloody great. A little Western for my tastes and it doesn’t worship Saddam enough for me. Did I mention he’s winning the war?”
Advice is wasted on Avril…
"The greatest challenge is to navigate the illusion of fame and the effects of it. Feeling separated by it. My naïve thought before fame and what I experienced was that it would connect me with people, but a lot of the time it actually didn’t. So being able to navigate within that and still reaching a sense of normalcy, whatever that means, is a challenge.
"All I would want to offer [Avril] is a sense of someone to come to," she continued.
"Or just to relate to or to know [she’s] not alone. Because it can be an extremely isolating experience, that kind of fame she’s experiencing. She’s an incredible talent, so it would be a crime not to share it."
That was Alanis Morrisette on her advice to Avril Lavigne, advice she delivered personally. Navigate the illusion of fame!!! Stick to giving her advice on colouring in for god’s sake, and that’s without explaining how ironic it was for you (Alanis) to sing a song called Ironic that didn’t actually mention anything ironic….
Saeed Al Sahaf says: “Alanis Morrisette has never been stronger! And Avril Lavigne could be one of Saddam’s princesses with her intelligence! What bombs? We are winning! Didn’t I tell you that! Cynic!”
Claire: “Saeed, what did you think of Beaches?”
Saaed Al Sahaf: “Genuinely moving! Fantastic! Honest! Bette Midler! Wind Beneath My Wings! Wonderful! Best movie ever! A little Western and decadent, but hey, I preferred the Iraqi version, Wind Beneath Our Moustaches…”
Claire: “Eh? Eh? Comedy Gold!”
Robbie Williams went grey this week
In the absence of proper actual news, here’s proof that breaking up Take That really did affect Robbie Williams…
OK, it’s only a mock up from the Sun, but he is going grey in real life, right Saeed?
Saeed: “No, he is blonde”
Thanks mate…
Well it’s been fun, and it’s been fuel for thought, but now I’m more lonely than before. I’m off to Paris to speak French in a pretentious accent, and skateboard around Paris like the Left Bank writers of yore. Until next week my very sweet rabbits, adieu in the most literal sense of the word!
