All The Things She Said 05.01.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 05.01.2003
I'm glad you made it, don't need to say it...
Welcome to All The Things She Said, the column that’s spending all my time, driving round, faking clever, with a girl who seems alright, and another one who’s better. I don’t know if I lied when I said we we’re not together, but I tried to talk to you, somehow you seemed gone…
I’m writing this column to you from Copenhagen, on a very brief tour, just so I can cross Denmark off the list of countries I have been to. I’ve been now to 22 countries, out of about 200, so unless I get really busy and start my own little Lonely Planet series, I’m probably not gonna get to them all. Which is kinda sad but hey, it used to take decades to cross the country didn’t it! And with our technological advances, we’ve cured disease, we’ve built the car and the plane, and we’ve made the Internet. Huzzah. And haven’t we used it wisely…to think that this week celebrates the 99th anniversary of the ice cream cone, and we’ve done way better with that! Incidentally here in Australia, should you be planning a trip…DO NOT TOUCH THE VITAMINS! AAAAH! DON’T TOUCH THE GINSENG! IT WILL MAKE YOU SEE SPIDERS! DON’T TOUCH THE TRAVACALM! AAAAH! RUN!
What, I can’t throw in my own references? Wow, Travacalm isn’t a spelling error? I should explain, here in Oz all the vitamins in the country are now off limits since they’ve been tampered with. Now read that reference again and feel smart.
The Internet turns a little freaky
Firstly this week, I have to devote a little time to a disturbing adult topic. It’s not easy to deal with. I’m sorry to start off with something so disturbing…but I’m just gonna say it, I’m just gonna confront it head on…and hope my little cousin Jessica stays away this week. Here it is…
Oh yeah, so you sit there and think, gee, Pink, what’s so disturbing about her? Well aside from her incredibly sudden decision to develop a dysfunctional family, flirt with lesbianism and bring the screamy one from 4 Non Blondes back to life in the musical sense. And then…there’s this… the Pink masturbation station . Yes folks, the possibly most disturbing yahoo group aside from Supersize BBWs to spy on. The entire rationale behind the group can perhaps be summed up in a post by a typer who prefers to remain anonymous…
This little slut is a real cock-teasing bitch and gets me hard every time. (see some of my fav. pics in the Pink slut folder).
I love wanking to this tease and imagine giving her a good fucking, together with that bimbo Aguilera. The way they are dressed and act in the Lady Marmelade shows what they really are ... cheap whores, who enjoy teasing us, knowing we get hard for them, and all they want is our money.
Everytime I see this video, I get hard and cum in my pants watching this slut combo behaving like whores. Damn, they are hot.
I really need to find a copy of this video, so I can watch it every time I need a good wanking. Does anyone know where I can download it?
Quite. And of course this is a group that will go on for a REALLY long time, since wandering up to your favourite pop star and saying “hey, cheap whore, all you want is my money” is a guaranteed way to be in your basement looking at your yahoo group for a REALLY long time. Still, could be worse. It could be the Avril station, and that really would be complicated…oh go on…one more message….
> 2. Gwen Stefani - she acts like a kinky bitch, too and needs it just as much as Pink.
God bless the Internet! Class all the way…
Pray silence…
You’ll be pleased to know that this column is actually fast becoming one hell of a career leg up. Firstly, there was TATU, then there was Sarah Whatmore (well, number 11 in the UK charts was pretty good), then there was Amiel (Australian top ten hit) and of course, Mr Lee Ryan. Yes this columns comedy correspondent, and all round star, from UK boy band Blue. He first came to our attention via the wonderful anti war song Think Of The People (sample lyric: “We don’t want no world war sequel”), getting beaten up in a nightclub, declaring he wanted Tony Blair’s kids to be 70% burnt, and declaring he couldn’t concentrate on threesomes. Since then I was going to bring him back to everyone’s attention via his strange declaration no-one thought of the elephants post 9/11, but instead, I thought everyone would enjoy a nice poem…
Could You believe I could be your guardian angel?
Do you believe that this is true?
If you say yes, I’ll fall in love
And I won’t be able to look at anyone else
So true, I love you
Essence for loving is what I mean
Nature of two of a dove, our love can never be seen,
Presents of the touch in the palm of your hand
And try to understand, life in a spirit meant rest for two
Spirit inside me, the love inside of you
Reality a distant thought, walking through our dreams,
The love we want was to be washed away down a stream
Found lying on a cold floor, on her knees,
And in her hand was a sharp thorn,
The sentiments of a child, voices calling in a dark room,
In her mind, stop, stare, and listen twice
Why can’t you see, a chemical not a tree
You should’ve come to me and I would’ve set you free
Pray with me, it is nice to pray
Don’t be a fool, Don’t play the devils game
Religion is broken
Each line tells a story of religion
There was Jesus – he died in the cause of reason
This was the reason, the reason for turning water into wine
Raise the dead to life, cure the sick and diseased baptised,
Hold the wall, the wall is lies, a message to the wise,
Mystery of life, from the star to his cry, he carried on to paradise.
Now it’s easy to throw in some post modern irony here, sneer and call him a twat EXCEPT that this week Blue (and Lee) signed a FIFTY MILLION pound deal with Pepsi to be the new international face of Pepsi! How does that happen? I fully expect Lee to muck it up though by declaring “I bloody love Coke me” but still…geez…I plan to start my own bad poetry corner any day now…and I thought I was loaded…
Quick question
If Creed are sued by fans for a poor performance, can I sue them for being absolute fucking shit? And seeing as how they are the most boring, uninspiring, JOYLESS band in the world who aren’t called Nickelback, here’s a story about how low you can sink in life…
MTV News reports A Florida man was arrested in Clearwater on Sunday for fraud relating to his impersonation of Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti. Despite being more than 11 years older than Tremonti, 40-year-old Kevin Eckenrod successfully posed as the Florida rocker for the past few weeks, staying in beach hotels as Tremonti, handing out autographed publicity photos and drawing up to 30 fans at a time while holding court at beach bars, according to a Clearwater Police Department spokesperson. After his arrest, Eckenrod told police, "It's my hustle. I am a stone-cold alcoholic and it's my way of getting my drinks and a place to stay." He also admitted, "This is getting old, but you have to admit I do look like the guy from Creed."
The thing is, there’s a fair chance I could impersonate the guitarist from Creed…I mean, what does he look like? Does anyone know? Does anyone care? It’s just too bad the headline for this story didn’t make some kind of “Arms Wide Open” reference, but just mentioning CREED in this column is making me sleepy, and so, I must debut something different….
The debut of the Slander Panda
Here’s a thought, right. There was a TV show here called “The Mole”, in which eleven doofuses and one man who was working for the man…er…worked against the team to bring them down by sabotaging their games. It’s not on anymore, but hey, I’m not adverse to a little harmless sabotaging, or moleing, through the world of music. And so, it’s my privilege to introduce the Slander Panda, a very bitter correspondent who’s identity is so mysterious I don’t even know who it is, and thus, the stories of the Slander Panda might very well be complete rubbish, but it’s something to look forward to! And so…the Slander Panda!
Thanks Claire. This week your Slander Panda is going down the beach. The year? 1980. Said Popstar was one of the biggest funsters in the world, but also one of the biggest druggies you ever did see. And so, your Slander Panda was wandering down the road, idly minding their own Panda business, when who should he see but said Popstar floating face down and totally naked in the sea, and potentially drowning. Naturally, Slander Panda SPRUNG into action and dragged said Popstar out of the water, and possibly saved his life. When it dawned on your Panda that he had saved the Popstar, he couldn’t believe the story he had to tell. Now you’d think that perhaps this Popstar would be grateful? Hell no! In fact said Popstar began BERATING the Slander Panda over and over again! The reason for his belligerence? The Popstar had snorted half of Colombia and was only going to win a major bet if he could survive a night floating face down in the sea! When your Panda pointed out MAYBE this was a silly bet, the response he got was simply to say “Well, if it’s good enough for fucking zebra!” To this day it puzzles me if it was Zebra a man or an actual Zebra who was floating face down in the water, but either way, your Panda was on hand to save this guy, and keep him singing his wiggy tunes for many more years to come!
Just another day in the life…of the Slander Panda!
We’ve started gentle…REAL slander to come next week!
Just cos…
Homage of course…
However in a deeply sad moment, the kissing ladies had to cancel their UK tour because they hadn’t filled a phone box (with ticket sales) in the same week Craig David featuring Sting (STING for Christs sake!) went to number one. Honestly, I haven’t been to Britain for a while, but come on people, get your act together! However, what if it’s all over? What is taste has moved on? Who cares! Mind you, I guess that means AGAIN I’m out on a limb. As always!
This weeks hate chart….
#1 – Craig David – He’s just rubbish
#2 – Sting – And he’s not helping
#3 – Norah Jones – Music you listen to as you plunge into a bubble bath to drown yourself
#4 – Nui Te Koha – Crap music journalist de jour
#5 – Blur – Did we REALLY make this people famous?
Completely irrelevant question
What was the name of that Heman figure with the hat and the big O on his chest, that had a chord you could pull and make him zoom across the floor?
I promised I’d use the end of this week’s insanity to pay a birthday tribute to my little (now BIG OLD cousin…you know it!) cousin Jessica, who turned 5 on Monday. And yes, since I lost our bet, Avril Lavigne is tops, Avril Lavigne is very tops. That stabs at my heart you little git. Now go to bed before I make you watch the Dixie Chicks video again!
As always, further reading is available HERE although, frankly, not much of it at the moment! Until then my little butterscotch rabbits, take care of your beautiful selves, and I’ll see you next week!
