The Sound Of The Underground 05.29.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 05.29.2003
I'm back...for how long...who would know!
The Sound Of The Underground
By Claire Flynn Boyle
Welcome to the all new, all singing Sound Of The Underground, the column that says baby if you’ve got to go away, don’t think I can take the pain, won’t you stay another day…
Two weeks in a row I’ve wrote this thing! I’m getting committed! Well I’m writing this with a massive hangover, and probably no-one reads it anyway (this column, not my hangover) so oh well…over on the website I have, I’ve been paying tribute to the wonder of Dr Phil, and if he was to “tell it like it is” he’d say something like “Claire you can’t make butter with a piano!” or something. Thanks Dr Phil! I feel better…
…besides which, there’s only one story I can think of at the moment…
Sk8er Boi…the movie…
On the first day of the year I wrote a huge big long mega essay which to date has gathered 112 e-mails, roughly 50 above my next best effort. Of which some 98 were positive, and the rest were comparing my writing skills to faeces. Oh well, I laid off, I sat back and waited for the whole Avril thing to die, and then…well…
The studio responsible for the 'let's put the show on right here' hits, Flashdance, Footloose and Save the Last Dance has signed up another teen sensation for the big screen. Avril Lavigne's irritatingly misspelled Sk8er Boi has been optioned by Paramount Pictures who are putting writer David Zabel (Dark Angel, ER) on the case.
For those of you not conversant with the lyrics of the Candian mini-rocker's teen anthem, the song tells the story of a boy who falls in love with a girl, who dumps him because her tight-ass friends don't approve of his skater attire. Years later, she spots the boy she turned down 'rocking on MTV' and realises she's made a huge mistake.
According to Hollywood Reporter, the song's been such a huge hit with the popular teen market that, 'the film will be true to the spirit of the song.'
All together now: 'He's Just a Sk8er Boi, she said "See you later boy....'
That was courtesy of Empire Online, a film website. Now I realise it could be a wind up like the South African goat boy or something, but you know, the sheer awfulness of this idea is quite amazing…I mean…imagine…imagine….
Draft Script: “Sk8er Boi – The Movie”
(Scene One: Suburban home, “Boy” sits at home with his guitar, singing to his friend “Girl”)
Boy: “I want to rock you! I want to rock you!”
Girl: That’s such a great song…but there’s something you must know…I love you!
Boy: I do to, but secretly I wanted you as well!
Girl: Let’s get together, after all, you are a boy, and I am a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Boy: No, you really can’t!
(Scene Two: “Girl” is lunching with a gaggle of poshly dressed other girls, collectively known as “Friends”)
Girl: So what do you think of Boy?
Friends: Er…well…
Girl: What? What’s wrong with him? Tell me damn you!
Friends: (Sticking up their nose) We have a problem with his baggy clothes.
Girl: Oh…well…he is unsuitable for me, given I do ballet.
Friends: Quite.
(Scene Three: In the snow, there is a touching break up scene)
Girl: We can’t be together!
Boy: But why!
Girl: It’s your clothes!
Boy: Are they too baggy?
Girl: It’s not just that! You are a punk and I do ballet! What more can I say!
Boy: Not much…but you wait…you wait….you’ll regret it…
Girl: …I won’t! Not with my promising ballet career! So…see you later boy!
(Scene Four: A grotty dirty horrible suburban home. “Girl” now is alone, five years from now, with a kid in tow, but no man”)
Girl: (Now weighing 400lbs) I wish that bloody kid would shut up! Where did my promising ballet career go! Curse this infernal infant! Vile tormented devil spawn! Er…I know what will cheer me up, MTV! Yes if I can watch MTV for a moment, I can forget my miserable life! I just can’t quite get up…to stretch…ah that’s it…oh god not another Nickelback clip…wait a minute…it’s Boy…he’s rocking up MTV! I must call my friends!
Friends: (On the phone) We already know!
Girl: You never thought to tell me? You never though to say, hey remember that bloke we were at school with? He’s a big rock star now. I wish we hadn't had such a problem with his baggy clothes, we might have been able to get free tickets!
Friends: Er…no…wanna come?
Girl: Sure, why not! Let me arrange a babysitter for this vile life ruining fetus!
(Scene Five: At a rock concert)
Boy: “Rock it! Rock it! We’re gonna rock it!”
Girl: I’m not sure about this!
Friends: Ssssshhhh…he’s such a spunk!
Boy: Yeah! Now I’d like to dedicate this next song to a girl that means a lot to me…Avril Lavigne!
Avril: Rocking! Yeah…um…who’s that fat bitch in the front row! Thank god I’m not her!
Girl: If only I hadn’t had a problem with his baggy clothes. But just you watch Avril and Boy, for when your brand of sk8er based punk falls from favour, and you are two crack addicted pieces of scum in the gutter…I’ll wait…oh yes…I’ll be there….ha ha…watch your back!
Well anyway, you get the general idea! It’s better than Donnie Darko, I’ve heard! Better than being John Malkovich! A more dense plot than…er…Houseboat Horror!
Lord…
The rest just pales….
According to rumours going around the traps, troubled diva Mariah (you’re on fire) Carey sent this e-mail to a caring, happy gran who wanted to see if her little girl could meet La Carey…
Miss with all due respect, I have my own problems. i have no time to accommodate everyone else's. My sister is suffering HIV right now. Is anyone worried about my problems? Some people can be so damn selfish. Next time you email me with any requests, you will be reported. Have a great day!" m.c.
Isn’t that sweet! OK, so it seems as though Mariah (you’re on fire) didn’t really send the e-mail, but it’s the sentiment behind it this column likes. Damn right you are selfish Granny! Your little brat doesn’t mean anything! Keep her at home, teach her how to sweep a broom, and stop trying to get to her meet celebrities! Geez…get a clue!
And it gets even paler
I’ve just been informed “Sk8er Boi – The Movie” will actually feature a soundtrack of songs “inspired” by the movie! Look forward to songs entitled “5 years from now”, “Baggy Clothes” and of course “Rocking Up MTV”…it’s not exactly Lieber and Stoller is it?
Paler than a pale girl called Pale Paler
You might remember some time ago the discovery of the deeply suspect “Pink Masturbation Station”, a yahoo group where men rang other men and then “polished the silverware” while watching Pink videos and talking to each other about it! Well strap yourself in cos it’s gonna be a hell ride from here! Pray silence for Britney Sperms! , a yahoo group which was set up to criticise the existence of my beloved Britney, but which has now descended into high level debate that could possibly be at the United Nations…
> > U GUYS NEED 2 FUCKIN GET A LIFE!!!! HOW THE FUCK CAN U HATE
> SOME1 > > SO > > > MUCH THAT U DONT EVEN FUCKING KNOW?? UR ALL PROBLY SOME FUCKINM > > > FATTTTT ASSSSSS UGLYYYYYYY HOESSS WHO R ALL FUCKIN
JEALOUSSS!!!! > > > THATS ALL IT FUCKIN IS! WAT ELSE? U SAY U HATE HER CUZ SHES A > > BITCH 1 > > > AN ALL THAT BUT U DONT EVEN FUCKIN KNO HER!! HOW IS SHE A > BITCH?? > > I, > > > SURE ALL THE 'BAD' THINGS THAT SHE DOES U ALL DO 2. SHE CAN > FUCKIN > > > SMOKE IF SHE WANTS!! SHE CAN HAVE AS MUCHHH FUCKIN SEX AS SHE > > > WANTS!!! SHE CAN GET AS MUCH IMPLANTS AN NOSE JOBS AN ALL THAT > > > SHIT!! ITS HER FUCKIN LIFE! SHES A NORMAL FUCKIN PERSON!!! U R > ALL > > > SERIOUSLY PATHETICCC!! I FEEL FUCKIN BAD 4 U ALL! + DONT U > FUCKIN > > > REPLY SAIN STUUPID ASS SHIT CUZ U ALL KNO THAT EVERYYTHIN IM > SAIN > > IS > > > FUCKIN TRUE!!! IM LEAVIN THIS SHIIITTTYYYY ASS GROUP BUT IF U > > WANNA > > > FUCKIN SAY SOMETHIN THEN EMAIL ME! PEACE FAT ASSES
As my mate would say, it’s the great debate!
Friends say it’s a warning…
Mysterious sources claim that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are being targeted by a controversial cult called The Black Hebrews. It’s not clear what they want with Whitney and Bobby, but according to sources, the Black Hebrews main target remains former wrestler Sam Houston, as he way more credibility…
Happy Birthday!
It’s a happy 35th birthday this week to Kylie Minogue, who celebrated by getting engaged and having her arse made into a work of art. Well a clay model of it. In honour of Kylie’s arse and her birthday I am wearing a hairhat all week. OK, that’s what Alyson wants me to wear as her bridesmaid, but you know, I’m making an effort! Here’s a story…
Bono reportedly splashed out £1,000 to have his trilby flown first class to Italy.
The U2 singer had forgotten to pack his favourite hat for a charity gig with Luciano Pavarotti.
So he organised an epic journey to ensure it arrived safely from England, reports The Sun.
First a cab took the hat to Gatwick Airport from West London, running up a £100 fare and tip.
Once there, stewards collected the trilby and put it on Monday's 1.40pm British Airways flight to Bologna, costing Bono £442.
But even though it had its own first class seat, flight attendants were concerned it would go missing or get squashed so they moved it into the cockpit.
On touch-down, a £150 hired driver grabbed the hat and sped to Modena, Pavarotti's home town and the venue for the concert.
An insider told The Sun: "Including £200 insurance and tips, he spent about £1,000 flying it out - but that's nothing compared to the amount he'll have raised on the night."
Isn’t that great! Bono! Re-united with his hat! Now if you actually write a decent song that isn’t a boring pile of shit, hooray! That would be a much better story!
Claire’s Spam mail of the week!
Hello, my name is Giusy.
I am not interested in your money!
Everyone connecting is welcome!
I like playing for my own pleasure only!
GET MY CAM
Quite!
Well that’s about all I can find, it probably sucked anyway. By the way, if your name is Nicole and you work in Tasmania, I’m gonna kick your butt for the reasons you know why! Stay tuned next week for Girls Aloud…the new official band of this column…their due is coming! Until then my sweet rabbits!
CFB
