The Sound Of The Underground 06.12.03
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 06.12.2003
Percy Sledge SPEAKS!
Welcome to The Sound of the Underground, the column that says take it Noel…cos all the roads that lead you there are winding…and that son of a bitch it is, it is so blinding…
So anyway, how ya been? You been good? Enjoyed your week? Play any whist? I like a good card game, I really do. Me, I went, on the 1st of June, to see Avril Lavigne cos I lost a bet, and I’m not sure whether to review it or not…let’s face it, La Lavigne is old news, so I’m not sure whether to articulate on her many problems again, but suffice to say the old drunk across the road from me who sings “Old Man Ribber” (not River, Ribber) suddenly sounded a WHOLE heap better….
And since today I’m mostly listening to Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood, I’m not feeling very hip and trendy anyway…
By the way, did you see that this week the company that sends all those penis enlargement (wasted on me), breast enlargement (again, wasted on me, them puppies are the right size! Er…) and hair replacement tablets spam e-mail things has been so totally busted for basically sending out tablets that do absolutely nothing! Good work, although as I’ve said before, I am always open to spam e-mails to do with Porches, and if THAT South African bloke who always says I’m heir to a fortune would like to come through my money, I’d think you for it!
And on a serious note best of luck to the Appleton sister who can’t use her hand for 18 months due to a serious injury. Get well soon sis!
Between Iraq and a hard place
Fans of boys bands are often totally spoilt for choice, and as if it wasn’t justice enough that as soon as just one member gets slightly pudgy, another boy band comes along to your place, and it wasn’t enough justice that your first boy band single MUST be a smash or else it’s all over, this week the world fell silent for the wonderful debut of Unknown to No One , Iraq’s premier (and frankly only) boy band! Sadly, the sanctions imposed on Iraq also included a sanction on taste, given this rather bad and worrying quote…
"We were inspired by boy bands like the Backstreet Boys, Westlife, those guys," said Falluji, who is studying chemistry at university. "They're famous and their music is really cool."
That is disturbing to me, but you know, live and let live. Besides, boy bands live and die on the look…and the look of modern, swinging, free Iraq?
So Chemistry it is you are studying huh? Sounds good…best stick to that then eh?
Word Up G
The best Popstars are totally and utterly alien, almost coming from another planet, be obsessed with glamour and make shiny plastic pop music. Sadly, the cursed Lavigne woman has convinced people that Popstars should be “keeping it real”. So tragically, Victoria “Posh/I’m the one who hung around in the background dancing very badly/Spice” Beckham has gone hip-hop (no really) and according to reports, Jennifer Lopez has “saw her image in crisis, and she is becoming known as the demanding diva. She wants to be recast as Jenny from the Block.” Wonderfully, it’s been suggested La Lopez does some charity work (“Look Ben, poor people”) and if the image of J-Lo dishing out soup isn’t a classic, I don’t know what will. Now as you probably know, I’m anything but street, but I wasn’t adverse to at least trying to keep it real…
Bogan: “Hey”
Claire: “Word up G, I’ve been kicking it to my mish mish man, hocking G’s on the izzle to the shizzle, kicking it hard for some bling blings, just to grab the ice that I wear. Dawg.”
Bogan: “I was just gonna say your shoe is undone”
Claire: “Peace bro. Yo”
Yeah, I’m not very likely to take over the rap news section…
The band of the year
You know how I was saying that the best pop stars should be glamorous, fabulous, other worldly, and make brilliant, brilliant pop music, and you know what? I’d be outta here if it wasn’t for this band, since I’m depressed that someone so painfully mediocre as Evanescence should be topping charts (I wish someone would drop that woman out of the window) and no way should someone as painfully silly as Metallica be ranting on about St Anger (1991 called and they want their act back). So gladly, just as I was about to surrender to the Train’s of this world, the new official most wonderful band in the history of ever came along JUST IN TIME!
Cheryl, Nicola, Sarah, Kimberley and Nadine, Girls Aloud, the bestest, bestest, bestest pop act the world has seen in years. No Good Advice is the best pure pop song since Baby One More Time, and the video contains dancing holograms and enough icy disinterest and talky bits to keep a pop lover in biscuits for a long time.
St Anger my arse…
Exclusive chat with Percy Sledge!
Don’t let it be said I don’t get the big interviews!
Claire: “Hey Percy, everything good in Australia?”
Percy Sledge: “Baby, it’s just great!”
Claire: “Super!”
Yep, next week I interview Bill Haley. I’m DOWN with the kids!
Just kill me
From the file marked “I’d rather have my teeth drilled out by angry woodpeckers”, comes the news that The Cheeky Girls are going to be performing at airports! The UK pop novelty act who sang something about bum touching are to send holiday makers off on their way with a cheery novelty song in their ear and obviously rage in their hearts. Travellers will also be treated (words the articles on, and they do no reflect yours truly’s opinions) to their other hits, We Are The Cheeky Girls (Touch My Bum) and Take Your Shoes Off. We have a word for this in Australia: it’s called busking. Anyway, given the spate of air rage craziness in Australia, I wouldn’t be encouraging sending people off with the sound of novelty pop in their ears. That’s all we need, Holly Valance singing “Kiss Kiss” to frustrated suitcase carriers… I have the same problem with my dog…
The Sun reports Ricky Martin has some challenging orders for his barber. "It is very confusing for the hairdresser," he revealed. "I tell him 'I want it short, but also long.' We then cut it short at the back and simply left it as it was at the front."
Like I said, I have a similar problem with my beloved little mutt. Strangely, he’s not called Ricky, but then he doesn’t inflict his psuedo poppy latino dirges on me, so I love him more…
And now, a rant
If there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s a “greatest song of all time” list. I hate them because the beauty of songs is the beauty of individuality, the way the love of song is part of your personality and has some kind of fantastic story to why you love it. Yes, I hate Avril Lavigne, but I’ll defend your right to declare Sk8er Boi a masterwork from now until the cows come home. Me, I like a lot of music that, from reading this column, you wouldn’t know about. I like Nancy Sinatra, I like Josie and the Pussycats and I love LUV. So whenever these lists are clumped together, adding a seal of corporate approval to the musical process, you strip away what makes a song potent. Besides which, these lists are very suspicious, considering who REALLY listens to Billie Jean today? Anyway, VH1 have declared Smells Like Teen Spirit the greatest song of all time, confirming once again that these lists are just so BORING and predictable and driven by the need to be cool and hip. At least it wasn’t fucking Bohemian Rhapsody again…
There, rant over…it’s good to get some things off my chest…
Fun in Tasmanian karaoke bars…
Here’s something fun to do in Tasmania, the lovely “enlightened” part of Australia. If you are make, find a karaoke bar, sing “Boys Boys Boys” by Sabrina, and see if you make it out alive. Just a challenge.
The man who invented X-Tina!
As I pointed out previously on the lovely website CFB GOES POP! , we’ve found a rather lovely man who sat down in 1989 (or something) with a pencil and paper and sketched some dodgy drawings of chicks wearing not very much at all. Fair enough you say, you had to take it where you can get it before the Internet started. However, this bloke here went one step further and foresaw the little Fighter herself having a future in pop music! Personally, I think he drew a sluttier looking Gloria Estefan or Teela that used to be in the Heman comics, but judge for yourself, cos he needs the love!
More movies!
Following on from the news Sk8er Boi is being made into a movie, the Paddle Pop Lion from Nickelback is in talks to convert his song “How You Remind Me” into a hit flick. Robin Williams will play a forgetful but loveable down and outer who couldn’t cut it at a poor mans spirit, only for Rosanna Arquette to save him from the bottom of every bottle, by reminding bumbling old Robin of who he really is. Should be a cracker, given it also features a comedy cameo from Steve Buscemi, who tries to give Rosanna a heart that’s breaking, with hilarity sure to ensue.
The comeback continues…
If a bunch of Tasmanian monster truck drivers can get excited about the patron saint of the “RAWK!” I CAN get excited about the comeback of La Spears later on this year. And with that in mind….
POP princess Britney Spears is set to become a raunchy pole dancer with boobs that THROB.
Millions will see the blonde beauty in her sexiest pose ever — with her back arched and chest puffed out.
And for good measure she is being given heaving bosoms which inflate. The transformation is being made by experts at Madame Tussaud’s waxworks museum in London.
Bosses want to make the singer’s £52,000 wax lookalike imitate her breathing.
An insider promised: “She will be our raunchiest model ever.
“For the first time we are installing balloons in her chest so her boobs heave in and out.
“She is hanging upside-down in the pose and when the waxwork is unveiled it will give our male visitors one hell of a treat.”
The model of Britney, 21 — whose hits include Oops! I Did It Again — is the latest feature in a new £2million interactive room called Blush.
She will dangle next to a blushing J-Lo and a Brad Pitt with a squeezable bum.
Makers are modelling her pose on one from Britney’s Live in Las Vegas video as she sang Slave 4 U.
A spokeswoman confirmed the plans last night and said the waxwork will be unveiled later this year.
She added: “We will have a couple of real pole dancers on call to offer tips to the public.”
Sounds like sheer brilliance! And like Britney, if you hassle the statue, you can expect an icy stare and maybe a tantrum. Oh yes, the comeback is SO on…
Well that’s all I can be bothered writing about now, and you can expect more from me, yes sirree! I might review Avril, I will review the Girls Aloud album, and I’ve got a corker of a wrestling video to review. Hey, everyone else who writes a column has an ego, why can’t I!
