Ever been to a strip club? Well, here’s what to request next time you go.
Welcome back to the fold, folks. The way I usually do these lists is that I start with about 30 candidates and slim it down to 12. It’s not easy, obviously, and I’m always ready to admit a mistake. One such mistake from the last Dozen was that I inadvertently left out Blondie, which was actually one of the first ones that came to mind when I was compiling the long list. Ms. Harry and company are well-deserving of a slot, and thanks to all 23 readers who caught it. Ditto the Breeders. I may have been a little too hasty to dismiss them because I (for some odd reason) absolutely detested Pod, although I loved Last Splash. Lots of you agreed with that, including 411wrestling’s own Eric S., who, after giving me a damn good chunk of tough love, wrote:
I had a halfway-decent idea for a Dirty Dozen. Let's go at least semi-dirty: twelve best songs for strippers to do the old Bump n' Grind to.
I like it. In fact, I love it. I was in the middle of compiling another list, but this idea’s a bit more exciting. So, that’s what we’re doing. Before getting down to business, though, time for the…
FEEDBAG
Allan Love writes: I don't know if you've heard Nightwish but their almost a european Evanescene. Except their good. The lead singer Tarja has a tremendous and very disicntive voice and they are one of the biggest bands in the power metal genre. Tremendous stuff that I strongly urge anyone to check out.
Consider that a shameless plug for Nightwish. They were one of my preliminary candidates, and are a damn good representation of Scandinavian power metal as well as female-fronted rock.
NB to Jeff Hawkins: I don’t know if I’d credit Blondie with bringing rap to the forefront, as the Sugarhill Gang was the most vital element in raising awareness with the legendary “Rapper’s Delight.” However, I would be remiss to not credit Miss Harry at all, being the very first person of the Caucasian persuasion to break out the rhymes two years later.
perfectid@aol.com has some more constructive criticism for my punk ass. You include Veruca Salt but don't include Bikini Kill, L7, or Kleenex?
All of the bands you mentioned are good (especially Bikini Kill, who I like a lot), but compared to Veruca Salt (namely American Thighs) they don’t do it. I know you’re not agreeing with me on this, but where do I start? Songwriting (lyrical and musical), vocals (Nina and Louise combined have a range far more superior than either Kathleen Hanna or Suzi Gardner). Kleenex isn’t a bad little Swiss post-punk band, but not as great as you crack them up to be.
What the hell kind of backwards ass logic is that?
It’s MY logic. My column, my logic. Deal with it.
Blondie doesn't make the list either?
I already took the blame for that one… (see above)
Also -- How the hell does The Who's version of Summertime Blues or at least Young Man Blues not at LEAST get an honorable mention? It blows away all those crummy industrial songs you put on the list.
I had three industrial songs on the list, and I stand by “Deal Souls” and “Send Me an Angel.” You act like 10 out of the 12 were industrial. Whatever beef you have against Nine Inch Nails or industrial music in general is making you sound like Bill O’Reilly vis-à-vis rap music—if you don’t like it, it must be garbage (your ego is seemingly close to his as well). Nails is a great band (NOT the greatest, though), even if an obvious music elitist like yourself thinks otherwise. I never said Trent was as talented as Ian Curtis, and even if he was it’s not only vocals I was going by, but the production aspect too. He does amazing things, like it or not. And guess what dickbag, he’s on this week’s list too.
As far as the honorable mentions goes, maybe you should have read the text right UNDERNEATH the heading and ABOVE the list. Which reads (verbatim)… I left out honorable mentions, because I wanted to weigh my feedback first, and let you figure that out. The following is a Top 5 list of your most requested covers that weren’t included on the list
Yeah, A TOP 5 LIST OF YOUR MOST REQUESTED COVERS THAT WEREN’T ON THE LIST. That’s my readers’ (out of about 30 e-mails I received), not my choice… and I think they were all pretty justifiable. Sorry no one agreed with you. I don’t know why I’m wasting my time on you if you’re not even going to read the column before you start criticizing it. Pretentious cunt.
Nickweed writes List is good.. but only two recent bands? There's a few I'd like to throw out though if you ever decide on a list of best female bands of the last decade.. one of which, Le Tigre, I feel should be up there instead of maybe.. The Distillers. You might also consider them electronic though, considering it's three ladies and a drum machine with the occasional guitar. Also, then Ladytron would be as well (but they'd be for the next big lady band.)
Good idea for best female bands of the last decade. It’s definitely a lot more specific, and allows for more fledgling bands that may be on the way to future greatness. As for Ladytron, they are one of the best synth-pop bands I’ve heard in recent years, and will more than likely be making an appearance on the Dirty Dozen for some of the best female-fronted electronic groups.
Lou (Blaze16446) also wanted some newer stuff: ok bro all those bands are old as shit get some new blood in there like Arch Enemy. Otep, Lacuna Coil, Lullacry, Kittie, (RIP) Walls of Jericho were all great female fronted bands maybe im a little too metal for you sorry bro
I like a few of the bands you mentioned but I’m afraid that many would argue that any of them are better than my “old as shit” selections. If I were to include some newer metal-chick bands I’d probably go with Drain S.T.H. and the aforementioned Nightwish over most of those. This makes me think that that “female bands of the last decade” would be a pretty decent idea. Stay tuned…
NB to Chris Ingersoll: Although they’re an excellent post-grunge-era rock band (although I thought Beautifulgarbage was overdone), Garbage didn’t make the cut. I don’t know if I’d categorize them as electronic. They have some electronic elements, but are more of a rock band. Kind of like the Cocteau Twins.
Another ridiculous mistake on my part was my mistakenly citing “Dead Souls” from Closer, instead Still, which was where it first appeared. Thanks to one Daniel Cook for catching that. I’m bad with album titles in the first place… AND I always get those two titles mixed up anyway. What makes it even worse on my part is that I goofed on a factoid concerning The Best Band Ever. Pardon me whilst I wipe this egg from my face.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
And HEEERRRRRRRRE’S the Top 5 READER picks that I left out:
Blondie (mea culpa)
The Breeders
Garbage
Elastica
Sonic Youth
THE DIRTY DOZEN
Music is one of the main components of dance. In fact, before there was dance, there had to be music to dance to. Starting with cavemen beating on drums and more currently at the local club of your choice, depending on what type of music you like to “get down” to. That said, it’s a given that one of the vital components of a live striptease is for the dancer to find some music. While watching a stripper without the music probably wouldn’t be too bad, the musical element definitely adds to the experience as a whole. It’s even better if the dancer can move to the music in a way to make the dance, and the song, all that much better.
This one’s pretty debatable, because there are so many songs that go well with a striptease (I know a girl that regularly dances to “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, and it’s fucking wonderful). Also, stripper selections have greatly changed over the years. We see less rock and blues, and more hip-hop and bass-heavy stuff these days. A good dancer can dance to anything, however, the following should work for just about anybody. So, in no particular order…
Billy Joel “Big Shot”
This one is a great stripper song for two reasons. (A) It’s got a great beat that would greatly compliment the stripper’s dance, as it starts out with a very sexy, but playful guitar riff. (B) Just listen to the lyrics… ”Yes, yes you had to be a big shot, didn’t you/All of your friends were so knocked out/You had to have the last word, last night” Before the birth of “booty” dancing, which has become a fairly common element on the stripper circuit, songs like this were oh so very common.
Lords of Acid “Rough Sex”
One of the very first raunchy dance groups was the sex and drug-loving Lords of Acid. This song has become a favorite because of the fast, energetic beat combined with some machine-like male vocals shouting “Rough Sex!” (as well as other witty remarks) over and over again. One can imagine a stripper doing the routine to this techno chestnut, as they often do just that at the Lords’ live shows. There’s also a KMFDM remix of this, which would probably fare just as well as the original.
Joe Cocker “You Can Leave Your Hat On”
Tom Jones did this song as well, but Joe Cocker’s version is much more suitable for an exotic dance. Cocker’s raspy voice dances over the blues-y rock feel of this track. With lyrics like “Baby take off your coat/real slow/and take off your shoes/I'll take your shoes/Baby take off your dress/yes yes yes/You can leave your hat on” makes it very apropos if not for the words alone. However, the music is fantastic compliment, to make this track a solid strip club classic.
A Tribe Called Quest “Electric Relaxation”
Tribe is one of the smoothest hip-hop groups of all time. Despite his almost ludicrously high voice, Q-Tip has a flow that has rarely been matched. Aside from that, they have jazz elements in almost every song. I almost picked “Bonita Applebum” over this, but “Electric Relaxation” has a quicker, more danceable beat, while still being slow and sensual enough to come off as incredibly sexy. There’s a place I go where this girl not only dances to this, but an all-instrumental permutation of it by jazz artist Jeff Lorber, who plays a mean Fender Rhodes. Good stuff.
ZZ Top “Legs”
I almost picked “La Grange,” mostly because I have fond memories of one Miss Demi Moore from Striptease (Eric reminded me about Mr. Von Erich, though, which I think cancelled it out), but this one is much more suitable. This still makes its rounds in your favorite neighborhood strip club just because of the lyrics. A more generic rehashed version of it can most recently be heard as Miss Stacy Keibler’s entrance music. Leggy dancers everywhere are successful in complementing this already great song. Does anyone remember the video…?
Nine Inch Nails “Closer”
This is so obvious, but not used as frequently as it should. Most clubs have the song bleeped if they do use it, which is kind of ironic when you think about it. The beat is slow and sexy without being jazzy or groovy. Based around a strong pounding beat that is accompanied by a very porno-like synth loop, the now infamous “Closer” is a great strip club anthem. Oh, and guy who thinks Nails sucks, imagine a beautiful naked girl dancing to it. If it still sucks, then eat shit.
Lil’ Louis “French Kiss”
This is still a floorfiller at any Chicago nightclub on old-school house night. It usually gets edited, as some versions last around ten minutes. Like any good house song, it has a strong, heavy beat and nice synth effects. The trademark element of this one, however, is the constant moaning female that can be heard throughout almost the entire duration of the track. It starts out very slow, and gets a whole lot faster, finally slowing down. This is a great stripper track, not only for the beat, but for the musical reenactment of a sexual encounter. How apropos…
2 Live Crew “Me So Horny”
I just couldn’t leave this one out. Luke and 2 Live Crew have been staples of sleaze ever since hitting the scene in the late eighties. It has a great “booty” beat, which is accompanied by the now famous “Me so horny/Me love you long time,” originally from Full Metal Jacket. It’s become one of their most famous tracks, quite possibly because it still to this day fares so well at frat parties and strip clubs alike.
Prince “When Doves Cry”
There are so many songs by The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Currently Known Again As Prince that would work beautifully in the gentlemen’s club environment, but this one is arguably the best. “Kiss”, “Controversy”, “Pink Cashmere” and “U Got the Look” were other possibilities. “When Doves Cry,” like many, many other Prince classics, has a slow yet danceable beat that is highly appropriate for aforementioned environment. Just imagine the video. Now replace Prince with hot female of your choice. Nuff said.
Queen “Another One Bites the Dust”
What is arguably one of the best songs by one of the best bands of all time is a perfect selection for the strip club. It’s one of the first rock songs that incorporated a funky, R&B-like beat with the usual rock elements. This beat is the quintessence of exotic dance, accompanied by Freddie Mercury’s powerful voice, which has the right amount of sexy attitude to compliment the dance perfectly.
Stereo MCs “Connected”
This one might be questionable, but like all of my lists, I stand my choices. I never really thought of it as a good stripper song when I first heard it in the early nineties, but it works surprising well. This is a highly underrated track, as it incorporates blues elements that rarely appear in electronic music. It has a fast yet sexy dance beat, which combines nicely with Rob Birch’s smooth vocals.
Chakachas “Jungle Fever”
This one is butter. With a slow, latin-infused beat reminiscent of War (by the way, “Spill the Wine” almost made it), the Chakachas made a wonderful, incredibly sexy track. A woman sporadically moans in Spanish throughout the entire track, each small bit increases in intensity as the track progresses. This track is delightfully raunchy (and comical at the same time), and could easily be used for an exotic dance. Jazzy brass elements creep in near the middle, to further increase the porno feel of the song.
Like I said, this is pretty debatable. I’m sure I overlooked a few gems, so let me know what songs you think I missed. And next week… 12 of the worst one hit wonders of all time. Until then, have a good one.
