Under the Scalpel 09.11.09: Whitney Houston, New Boyz, Pitbull, Shakira, The Guild, Tim McGraw

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 09.11.2009

Whitney's performance earns a big "Hell to the no!", New Boyz be jerkin' our chains, Pitbull gets his Zumba on, Shakira comes out of the closet, and more. These heavily biased reviews are brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist of the hard rock band whose singer is no longer in the emergency room – A Simple Complex.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. Download three free tracks that will rock your panties off at www.asimplecomplex.com

Whitney Houston – I Look To You
It's Not Too Late To Open That Fruit Stand



In 2006, Whitney Houston decided she was done. Done with being smacked around by an unfaithful husband. Done with having the details of her lesbian experiences and photos of drug paraphernalia in her bathroom made public. Done with being an entertainer. Done with everything except raising her daughter far out of the public eye.

"I had other plans about three years ago," Houston confided. "To live on an island, and open a fruit stand, and do my own little quiet thing... Just raise my daughter and call it a day."

Then she got a phone call from Clive Davis, the man who originally signed her to Arista Records in 1983.

"Well, no. That's not what you're going to do," Davis reportedly told her.

Houston canceled her plans.

"I Look To You" is Houston's first single in six years, a very mellow piano ballad that aims to help this has-been artist – and the executives who profit heavily from her music – capitalize further on the lucrative elevator music market known in the music industry as Adult Contemporary.

Houston, as we all know, already has a large collection of ballads from yester-career that will eternally play in malls and supermarkets around the world. And although I never went out of my way to listen to her sap-heavy songs "Greatest Love Of All," "Saving All My Love For You," "You Give Good Love," "Love Will Save The Day," (I'm noticing a pattern here) and her much-overplayed cover of Dolly Parton's song, "I-ee-yi-ee-yi will always love, ah-you-ou-ouo-uouo-uo-ou!!", I would never downplay the fact that her vocal performance on these tracks was anything less than stellar.

Surely Houston hopes to achieve the same heavy rotation status for her latest single, but unfortunately "Look" is missing one key element that made her other hits so perennial – her amazing voice. Years of abusing her body, and letting others do the same, has left her without the one thing that put her above almost every other pop recording artist of the eighties and nineties.

Listening to Houston sing this track's dull lyrics on top of its lame music feels akin to slowly eating a plain rice cake on an undecorated paper plate, and being unable to determine which had more flavor – the rice cake or the paper plate.

"Look," keeps Houston's voice in a safe, easy range of notes, and offers nothing that could be mistaken for astounding. Whereas up-and-coming singers try to belt out old Houston songs on American Idol, hoping to be half as good as the original recording, Houston would be lucky to become a finalist herself with this lackluster offering.

In fact, Simon Cowell would have a field day with her recent performance on Good Morning America (embedded above), which serves as hard evidence that Houston's once powerful and captivating voice has almost completely deteriorated. Her live rendition of "Look" last week could quite possibly earn her a shiny second-place trophy from just about any karaoke bar across the nation, providing there was no stiff competition from the locals.

I can't come down on Houston for the track's lyrics though. Soul singer-songwriter R. Kelly wrote them. She did however say of Kelly's lyrics that "this song says all I wanted to say." And that message is: I've screwed up in every way a human being can possibly screw up, and burned just about every bridge in my life. And now, standing in the aftermath of bad decisions, there's only one person from whom I can find any strength to carry on. And He does not live here on Earth.

"As I lay me down, Heaven hear me now...
After all that I've been through,
Who on Earth can I turn to...
Every road that I've taken led to my regret,
And I don't know if I'm gonna make it,
Nothing to do but lift my head,
I look to you."

I found nothing in this song's lyrics to be particularly gripping. Instead, they felt painfully cliché. They read more like a Facebook status update than a raw expression of any heartfelt emotion. The track's music is very second-rate as well. Its monotonous four-quarter-notes-per-measure piano line makes the Commodores' song "Easy" look like Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag."

"I Look To You" could easily have been written and performed by a 10-year-old. Does this track make for a good comeback? Using Houston's popular expression, "Hell to the no." I don't care that her album just debuted at #1 on the Billboard 200. It's still an embarrassment.

I make it a habit to avoid bland, underwhelming music. But I do eat three servings of fresh fruit every day. As far as I'm concerned, Houston should have stuck to the original plan – Mangos, two for a dollar.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)
If You Like: Anita Baker, Celine Dion, Dionne Warwick, Toni Braxton

New Boyz – You're A Jerk
Broken Record



You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. I know. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. You're a jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk. Jerk.

And that's just the first 48 seconds.

It's fine that Earl "Ben J" Benjamin and Dominic "Legacy" Thomas, the teenaged rap duo known as New Boyz, are excited to promote the latest dance craze sweeping the west coast, but this is pure overkill. The word "jerk" is in this song at least 200 times – no exaggeration.

Benjamin and Thomas quickly got hooked on the new "jerkin'" dance craze that originated in their hometown of Los Angeles a few years ago. With their hit "You're A Jerk," the boys have provided the song Fox News recently referred to as the dance's "national anthem."

The dance involves a lot of quick stepping while bending at the knees. It's like watching RiverDance in slow motion, but with more squatting. Most jerkers also incorporate other dance moves into their routine like the Reject, the Pin Drop, and the SpongeBob.

Like the Stanky Legg, Jerkin' is easy enough for anybody to do.

"Some people ain't capable of crumping. Their body can't do all that," Thomas told MTV News. "Everybody can jerk. My grandma be jerkin'."

But jerkin' is more than just a dance. As with most new dances, there's an associated manifesto, fashion statement, and/or competitive attitude that go along with it. Jerkin' has all three.

The dance aims to be, as PerezHilton.com opines, "street art underlined by a specific political ideology of providing a positive, anti-gang message in the inner city."

And to be accepted in the jerkin' community, wildly colored shoes, big glasses (optional), retro hair (bringin' back the high top fade, yo), and most importantly, skinny jeans (or tights for the ladies) are what to be seen wearing. No baggy pants allowed. Anybody ever heard of Kid N' Play? Just asking.

After seeing a video of Chris Brown dancing the jerk, Benjamin and Thomas officially challenged him to "a friendly battle" of dancing. There's been no word as to whether Brown plans to accept the invite to this Jerk-off – I mean, dance-off.

"Jerk" takes the same minimalist approach to music pioneered by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em in his breakthrough hit "Crank That." The music consists of nothing more than three lo-fi "boop" notes and four simple electronic percussion sounds (kick, snare, ride tap, and claps). The track was recorded in Benjamin's house – the vocals were recorded in one of his closets.

Lyrically, the word "jerk" is used not only to call attention to the duo's favorite dance, but also for its standard definition: somebody considered to be mean and unsympathetic.

Each MC kicks one verse about angering a female and then accusing her of being a crybaby when she complains. For example, in the first verse, Thomas ditches his girl to go to a dance party. And when she shows up to confront him, he couldn't care less about the fact that she is upset and calling him a jerk.

On my way, I'm leavin',
She like 'Where you going? I ain't got my shoes and purse,'
I said, 'It's none of your concern,' and she yelled, 'You're a jerk!'
So I walked out the door, called Ben J,
Told him, 'It's a function,' He said, 'I'm on my way,'
We pulled up to the party, ice is on my shirt and
We got geeked up, everybody jerkin',
We was jerkin' to the right, jerkin' to the left,
Then she popped up out of nowhere, she was still half-dressed,
She like 'For real, jerk? You love it, but it's something.'
The whole party heard her but all I could hear was, 'Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah,'
Why you trippin'? I ain't even do nothin'.

Incidentally, both members happen to sound an awful lot like rapper Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest. FWIW.

Now, I'm all for a movement that promotes a positive lifestyle and kooky fashions are cool with me, but you still can't convince me that this song is any good. I was sick of "You're A Jerk" before the first verse kicked in, still reeling from the painful barrage of sampled audio clips of the word "jerk." And I'm still waiting for the music to really get going. The track feels like one long intro that never builds into a full composition.

The boyz do, however, claim to have a lot more up their sleeves than overusing the word "jerk." "We do music besides jerkin' music. We were artists before," Thomas brags. "Now we got jerkin', and they think that's the only thing we got. We're going to surprise a lot of people."

Uh-huh. Sure. This one-trick pony is jerkin' all right – jerkin' my chain.

Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
If You Like: GS Boyz, Pink Dollaz, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, The Bangz

The Six Pack: A half-dozen quick song reviews in an easy-to-carry cooler!

Carly Rae Jepsen – Bucket
Carly Rae Jepsen, the singer-songwriter who came in third place on the fifth season of Canadian Idol, released her debut album last year. Her cutesy, "clap-along-everybody" cover of John Denver's "Sunshine On My Shoulders" failed to chart, but her next two cheery singles made it on the Canadian Hot 100 – "Bucket" being one of them. "Bucket" sounds like a sped-up reinterpretation of UB40's "Red Red Wine" but with a Nelly Furtado sound-alike on the mic. Jepsen sings about the joy of spending the day at the beach as she and her friend help a frustrated kid who is having trouble building sand castles. If you have a taste for simple, happy pop songs that are cute and predictable, you will dig this tune. This song is fun, but it's a tad too bubblegum and "pre-packaged" to really sell me on it. Sorry to say, but there's a hole in this bucket, dear Liza. *Rimshot*

Rating: *** (3 out of 5)
If You Like: Britney Spears (1998-2000), Feist, Gwen Stefani, Kate Nash, KT Tunstall, Nelly Furtado

IYAZ – Replay
Have you ever meet a girl at a mall, sparks fly, and then you can't get her out of your mind? That happened to me a while back. About five years later, I married her. (No, we weren't mall rats. We worked there.) In "Replay," Keidran Jones (aka IYAZ) captures the giddy bliss of new romance as thoughts of a beautiful girl get stuck in his head like a catchy tune.

Shorty's like a melody in my head that I can't keep out,
Got me singin' like, 'Na na na na' every day,
It's like my iPod's stuck on replay,
Remember the first time we met, you was at the mall with your friend,
I was scared to approach you, but then you came closer, hopin' you would give me a chance,
Who would have ever knew that we would ever be more than friends,
We're real worldwide, breakin' all the rules, she like a song played again and again.

IYAZ was discovered on MySpace by singer/rapper Sean Kingston who then passed the music along to the head of his label, Jonathan "JR" Rotem. "IYAZ is a storyteller who paints visual scenarios that tug at the listener's heart-strings," Rotem said of IYAZ. This track is a sweet, sentimental pop number that makes a great beach party song. This pleasant mix of Carribean dance and fun melody makes this track worth adding to your pop music playlist. And go ahead, hit replay.

Rating: **** (4 out of 5)
If You Like: K'Naan, Sean Kingston, UB40

Pitbull – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
All right you Zumba fanatics, here's a hot little number to help dance those calories away. Pitbull is well known for rapping over other people's songs, and, with "I Know You Want Me," has chosen Nicola Fasano's very catchy latin dance track "75, Brazil Street" to spit some verses over. He tossed aside the track's original lyrics to pay tribute to Calle Ocho, a popular street in the Little Havana neighborhood of Miami, and city's area code. While the majority of the lyrics are typical club banter about sex and dancing, one line from the song doesn't make we want to do either. "Mami got an ass like a donkey. With a monkey, look like King Kong." Uh, she's all yours, pal. "Want" is great song for aerobic workouts and dance clubs, or just cruising down the beach. I must admit though; I'm already starting to get a little tired of it. But until I'm officially sick of it, I'll just keep listening to it almost every day. Pitbull's new album debuted at #8 on the Billboard 200 this week.

Rating: **** (4 out of 5)
If You Like: Black Eyed Peas, Flo Rida, Justin Timberlake, Kardinal Offishal

Shakira – She Wolf
After being "a little abused like a coffee machine in an office," by her man, Shakira decides, "I'm gonna go to my closet and get me a lover and tell you all about it." Hmm. Is her aim to upset this guy or hint at a possible threesome? "There's a she-wolf in the closet, let it out so i can breathe," she moans. Well, I guess if you want to come out of the closet with your new lover, baby, I can be the meat in that sandwich! Whatever makes you happy, of course. "Wolf" is loaded with dumb lyrics and its music blatantly rips off Bloodhound Gang's "The Bad Touch." Plus, listening to Shakira sing like Dido getting double-teamed is a bizarre experience. On a side note, the dress Shakira wears in the song's music video is hot, but her style of dancing is disturbing. I keep waiting for an alien to pop out of her stomach.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)
If You Like: Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Fergie, Jennifer Lopez

The Guild – Do You Want To Date My Avatar
"Hang with me in my MMO... You'll never see my actual face. Our love will be in virtual space." Oh, brother. "I'm craving to emote with you. So many animations I can do... C'mon, share a potion with me." Even as a novelty song, "Do You Want To Date My Avatar" bites the big one. And the music is just as bad as its cornball, geeked-out lyrics. How the hell did this make it to #1 on iTunes and Amazon? Must be those uber-nerd WoW fanatics. Give me a break.

Rating: (0 out of 5)
If You Like: Debian Linux, LARPing, Renaissance Festivals, Romantic walks on Land's End Beach

Tim McGraw – It's A Business Doing Pleasure With You
There are hundreds of modern country songs that tell an amusing little story based on a clever play on words. Some of them elicit an occasional smirk from me, but most just make me roll me eyes. Surprisingly, Tim McGraw's "It's A Business Doing Pleasure With You," written by Nickelback's Chad Kroeger and country singer/songwriter Brett James, actually got a couple of chuckles out of me. In "Business," McGraw shares the struggle of a man whose hot girlfriend spends a lot more money than he can make, but allows it to happen because she's so hot (and good in the sack). I particularly liked the lines, "You got me walkin' past the fellas holdin' drinks with pink umbrellas on some island that I can't even spell," and "Lord, my mom would beat me senseless if she saw what I was spending on you." It's too bad this is a country song, because if it weren't, I'd probably put it into rotation on my playlist. Maybe some full-tilt southern rock band will remake it someday.

Rating: *** (3 out of 5)
If You Like: Brad Paisley, Georgia Satellites, Jerry Reed