Under the Scalpel 09.17.09: Trey Songz, Gucci Mane, Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, Slaughterhouse

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 09.17.2009

Trey Songz teams up with Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy Tell 'Em to give Thumpkin a blumpkin, Slaughterhouse teams up Royce Da 5'9'', Crooked I, Joe Budden, and Joell Ortiz for a boisterous party rap, and a list of club jams sure to give your boomin' system a workout. Brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist from the hard rock band A Simple Complex.

Trey Songz, Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane – LOL :-)
Thumbkin gets pwned



After listening to "LOL :-)" I may never look at my thumb the same way again.

Whether you choose to sing "Where is Thumbkin," "Frere Jacques," or "Are We There Yet," the classic melody associated with these nursery rhymes represents ignorant bliss and childhood innocence to millions.

Rappers Trey Songz, Gucci Mane, and Soulja Boy Tell 'Em have taken it upon themselves to write some fresh, new words over this classic tune that will have you anticipating Andrew Dice Clay's signature "OHHH!" at the end of each verse.

"LOL" is the second single from Songz's latest album Ready, which he described as "[not] just… a compilation of songs, but a classic body of work." After listening to this track's juvenile melody and lyrics, that's very unlikely. I predict it will be outdated faster than a gallon of milk left in a sauna.

References to hip cyberjargon like Twitpic, MySpace, and "Go to my page and follow" may sound relevant and slick at the moment. But imagine hearing a song today about Napster, Netscape and ICQ. That's how cool this song will sound in a few years.

After sharing a telephone number (which I did not bother calling), Songz, the self-proclaimed "Prince of Virginia," begins relating his excitement after a girl gives him the green light via text message to come over and bump uglies.

Shorty just text[ed] me, says she want[s] to sex me,
LOL, smiley face, LOL, smiley face,
Shorty sent a twitpic saying 'Come and get this,'
LOL, smiley face, LOL, smiley face.

After Songz expounds on his tale of this companionless lady whose constant text messaging resulted in the impromptu rendezvous, Mane hops in for the next verse and continues replacing the tune's kid-friendly lyrics with an even steamier account of what he plans to do with his gadget-savvy tramp.

"Gucci Mane, X-rated. We can make a sex tape. Pics on my iPhone. Gucci on her iPod. When she turn[s] around, [her] ass make[s] you say, 'Oh God!'" Nailing this babe is like taking candy from a baby. "Pull up in a stretchy. Jump out flexing. First date, sexing. Next night, texting."

Mane's appearance in "LOL" is unimpressive, just like his work as the guest rapper in OJ Da Juiceman's unbearable "Make Tha Trap Say Aye."

Soulja bounces in for the last verse to share his experiences with a randy social networking fanatic. His performance is by far the worst of the three. As he did in "Kiss Me Through The Phone" and "Turn My Swag On," Soulja opted to sing his lines instead of rap them. I can't figure out why Soulja keeps doing this because frankly, the boy simply can not sing. Like I've said before, he continually goes off-key, hitting bum notes as if he's too lazy to do it right. Or maybe he's just tone deaf?

"Baby girl sent the picture to my BlackBerry," he brags in his typical, sour discordance. "She message[d] me on MySpace, told me she loved me. She['s] texting my phone [at] 4:30 in the morning, 'Baby I'm horny. I want to kiss you.' I can put it on ya. That's not an issue."

Then he tries to rhyme the word "hers" with "love." Pardon me while I whip up a big FAIL tag.

The music for this song is total crap. It sounds like Fisha and Price, the song's producers, combined recordings of a music box, an 808, and two kids playing pat-a-cake. A constant stream of snare hits gives the song a march feel, but not in a cool, Paul Simon "tribe-of-drummers" sort of way. It has an annoying "wind-up toy soldier beating on a tin pan" feel to it.

This poor attempt to rework "Thumbkin" into a filthy little ditty is like trying to dress Mother Goose in a G-String and call her a hottie. "LOL" is repetitive, tawdry, and obnoxious. I echo fellow 411 columnist Weng Yu's sentiment of "It's bloody awful."

It also violates rule #2 of Spike.com's "10 Ways to Ruin a Song," which keenly points out: "And don't even think about using nursery rhymes."

Reportedly "LOL" is the first song with an emoticon to appear on a Billboard chart. Hopefully, it's also the last. Do not bother with this song. Delete. Kick. Ban. Bury. Unfollow. Block. Defriend.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)
If You Like: Andrew Dice Clay, Lil Kim, Twista, Two Live Crew (cheesier selections)

Slaughterhouse – The One
Supergroup Celebrates Hedonism



In 2008, Joe Budden, Crooked I, Joell Ortiz, Royce Da 5'9", and Nino Bless joined forces on a song titled "Slaughterhouse." Out of this collaboration was born a hip-hop supergroup of the same name, featuring Crooked, Ortiz, Royce and Budden.

The group's lead single, "The One," is everything a boisterous party rap should be: a rambunctious number that forges rock, rap, and hip-hop with attitude, humor, and the benefits of living a hedonistic lifestyle. It also takes enough potshots at celebrities to rival an Eminem dance single.

Like a pack of bullies leaning on a high-school playground fence, these rowdy big-mouths have a great time as they take turns asserting their greatness, often at the expense of the reputations of several high-profile women.

Royce announces he wants "a rich bitch like Paris Hilton that like[s] to get her ass smacked like Keri Hilson." Crooked brags comically about giving Pink "some black," and wanting to "spear Britney." Budden and Ortiz, who share their verse by doing a slick trade-off of lines, let loose on Zoë Kravitz, Zsa Zsa Gabor, two "car dash"-ian sisters, and girl-kisser Katy Perry.

But "The One" isn't just about taking humorous swipes at famous dames. The crew also tips their proverbial hats to a number of rock and rap stars and celebrate the benefits of being in the music business.

Royce crows about autographing breasts and stage diving into a "pot of gold." He raps about wanting "Rod Stewart cars and Ozzy Osbourne motor skills." Budden and Ortiz talk about being onstage rock stars – and backstage porn stars – before giving props to the pop rap outfit Outkast in a clever wordplay with the title of their album Speakerboxx/The Love Below.

When it comes to being witty, however, Crooked takes home the trophy. First, he pays homage to Aerosmith with his opening line, "Crooked's got a gun," adding soon after that the only "lead" he's reckless with is Led Zeppelin. Then he boasts that people aim to ban him "like Marilyn Manson for all the whores in [his] Baltimore, Maryland mansion."

When he signs off, he can't hold back laughter as he delivers the song's crudest line: "Every time your bitch burp[s], you smell my balls in the air."

Although people have claimed "The One" samples the Lenny Kravitz hit "Fly Away," producer DJ Khalil insists, "Everything on there is original." The music of "The One" originated from a song idea created by Khalil's alternative rock band New Royales. It was created for Eminem but was never used. The members of Slaughterhouse reportedly heard the New Royales demo track and told Khalil they wanted to use it right away. "I just beefed it up and made a beat out of it," Khalil recalled, "And now it's a crazy song!"

Royales' vocalist Liz Rodrigues sings the chorus about sex, drugs, and dirty money. She also throws in a countdown to name-drop Three/21 Media, the production company that directed this song's music video.

"The One" doesn't sample the music of Kravitz, but it does sample the voice of Boogie Down Productions rapper KRS-One. The word "one" is echoed several times, and was taken from the BDP song "I'm Still No 1." The short music intro is another grab from "No 1."

If you like unruly hip-hop injected with rock star attitude, check out "The One," a song that will get you head banging and throwing your guns in the air.

Rating: **** (4 out of 5)
If You Like: Jay Z, NERD, Outkast, Urban Dance Squad (harder/rap tracks)

Let Me Be Your DJ: Club Jamz

Are you sick of the same ten CDs floating around on your car's passenger seat? Look no further than "Let Me Be Your DJ" to instantly provide you with some fresh tracks, all pre-screened by yours truly and certified as worthy of adding to your playlist.

I don't know how summer was in your neck of the woods. Here in New England, it got off to a false start. After a couple teaser weeks in May, June was exceptionally cold. It wasn't until mid-July that we started to see some true summer weather. Even still, it never got balmy enough to require open windows, spinning fans, and a total absence of clothing just to get through the night without soaking the sheets. (How ya like me now?!)

Fortunately, late-July and August did give us some top-down-worthy days and I was able to sift through the septic tank of pop music to find a handful of decent jams to blast while cruising the beach and storming clubs. Add these hand-picked dance tracks to your playlist for over an hour of thumping beats designed to give any boomin' system a workout!

Arrested Development – Freedom
Atmosphere – C'mon
Beastie Boys & Nas – Too Many Rappers
Common – Universal Mind Control
Drake – Best I Ever Had
Eminem – Bagpipes From Baghdad
Grandmaster Flash & KRS-One – What If
IYAZ – Replay
Kardinal Offishall & Keri Hilson – Numba 1 (Tide Is High)
K'naan – Wavin' Flag
Madcon – Beggin'
Mike Jones & Nae Nae – Next To You
NASA – The People Tree
Pitbull – I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)
Q-Tip – Gettin' Up
Shaggy – Feel The Rush
Slaughterhouse – The One
Tech N9ne – Creepin'