The 411 Week In Review 06.19.05: 6/12/05 - 6/18/05
Posted by Tim Johnson on 06.19.2005
Tim Johnson Begins
June 12th – June 18th, 2005
If you haven’t checked out the new Batman movie, drop everything and go now. It’s quite possibly the best superhero movie ever. It was like Spiderman on crystal-meth.
I’m glad they chose to ignore all the other films and just start over. The first two Batman movies were good, but they were more or less Tim Burton movies with Batman in them. And there are no words in the English language that can truly describe the shittiness of Batman and Robin and Batman Fever, or whatever it was.
The 411 Movie page had conflicting views on the film, and George Sirois gave it a 10.
I don’t know if I’d rate it that high, but it’s at least in the 9 range.
Besides, it’s rare that you’ll find a 10 rating from me, but stranger things have happened…….
Carrying on……
MOVIES/TV
1) Cruise and Holmes announce engagement
After a three month romance, Tom Cruise has proposed to Katie Holmes at the Eiffel Tower.
There has been much debate on the validity of this relationship.
The popular conspiracy theory is that Tom Cruise is secretly gay and is using this to put those rumors to rest. Meanwhile, Katie Holmes is lavishing in the publicity and is using this to further her career.
You can believe what you want.
All I really want to know is………has someone put Chris Klein on suicide watch?
Let’s see, in the last year or so his acting career has come to a grinding fucking halt, he was dumped by Katie Holmes, he racked up a DUI, and Tom Cruise is not only getting nuts deep in his ex, but he proposed to her at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
And to top it off, Katie is now starring in the top movie in America.
Uh, that sucks.
Anyway, I’m sure this marriage will never come to fruition. I just hope it ends before Chris Klein finds himself hanging on the wrong end of a shower rod.
RATING: 6
MUSIC
1) Jackson acquitted of all charges
Everyone’s favorite pedophile left court a free man Monday after he was cleared of all charges in his child-molestation trial.
I’m not even going to react to the verdict. People have been doing that non stop for six straight days.
Besides, I called my shot last week.
What I want to know is, what’s with all those idiots parading outside the courthouse?
The majority of people I saw on TV were in their 30’s and looked like middle management.
So how do they have time to cheer on a boy hungry freak at 2:00 in the afternoon?
Are these losers for real? How are you permitted to leave work in the middle of the day to stand in the middle of the street and support the worst thing to happen to children since lead paint?
You know who they probably are? The parents of Jackson’s next potential victims. It’s hard to get a million dollars in “hush money” if the guy who’s going to feel your kid up is in prison.
This just goes to show that even the most washed up celebrity can get away with anything in California.
So Erik Estrada, if you’re thinking of knocking off a 7-11, you might want to strike while the iron is hot.
RATING: 8
2) Pink Floyd to reunite for Live 8
The original members of the British rock band Pink Floyd are set to perform together for the first time in more than two decades at the July event.
This is the best news the music world has heard since Britney Spears announced she was taking an extended leave of absence.
Roger Waters, the creative mastermind behind “The Wall,” is rejoining Pink Floyd for the first time since the 80’s. The original members have put their differences aside to participate in the charitable event.
The problem is, I don’t have the 5 grand for scalped tickets on Ebay.
I also hate airplanes, and from what I understand, you can’t drive to England from where I’m at.
Since there have been no further tour announcements, I might never experience the real deal. Especially since Pink Floyd has those annoying qualities like musical integrity and self respect.
Oh well, I’ve seen most of the 53 incarnations of KISS, so that’s close, right?
RATING: 10 (GASP!)
WRESTLING
1) More notable roster changes in the WWE
Kurt Angle is now on Raw and Randy Orton has jumped to Smackdown.
I can’t imagine this being permanent. They are basically running Smackdown into the ground.
The two biggest draws on the Thursday night show were John Cena and Kurt Angle, and now they’re both in line to play second fiddle to HHH.
Meanwhile, Smackdown has acquired a guy who’s good in the ring but bad on the mic, and another guy who pretty much turned out to be a total bust.
I’m confused.
Raw has picked up two of most charismatic wrestlers in the business, and Smackdown gets Randy Orton.
I guess it all works out in the end.
Angle and Cena will be battling for TV time when Triple H is feuding with the current number one contender, and Orton will be off-screen attempting to administer a “Dirty Sanchez” to the newest Smackdown Diva.
I miss WCW.
RATING: 5
SPORTS
1) Doss suspended for two games
Indianapolis Colts safety Mike Doss was suspended Wednesday by the NFL for the first two regular-season games after pleading no contest to misdemeanor gun charges.
He was arrested in May for firing a gun into the air outside of a restaurant in Akron Ohio.
This comes as a surprise to no one. He’s a product of the Ohio State University for crying out loud.
When you’re recruited to OSU, you not only have to undergo a rigorous physical, you’re also evaluated on how quickly you can rip an entire stereo system from a supped up Z-28.
The Buckeye football team is notorious for putting the “State” in “State Penitentiary,” so this Doss thing is par for the course. I’m a little disappointed that he couldn’t have picked up a disorderly conduct or public intox charge as well. He’s making his Alma Mater look bad.
And as far as the suspension goes, big deal. The Colts don’t start playing terribly until the post season.
RATING: 6
POLITICS/WORLD NEWS
1) Johnson announces changes
“411 Week in Review” writer Tim Johnson has announced that the “Politics/World News” section of his column will no longer be a regular feature.
Johnson stated the section will be used when he finds an amusing story related to the topic, but it will not necessarily appear on a weekly basis.
When asked about the change in format, Johnson said, “It’s hard to make light of most headlines in this category, as they’re usually either depressing or uninteresting. This column was designed with the intention to distract people from the problems of real life, if only for a moment.”
Still, others believe he’s abandoning the section because he’s lazy and wants to spend more time playing video games or something.
Whatever the reason is, I’m sure the column will carry on and continue to evolve week after week.
RATING:10 (GASP)
It’s actually quite fun to refer to myself in the third person. I know why celebrities do it now. In fact, I’m going to start doing it from now on. I’m sure it will go over well. Who says you need money and fame to act like a jackass?
Be sure to check out the album review section of 411 Music in the coming week to read Tim Johnson’s review of the Drunk Horse CD, “In Tongues.”
Thanks to Pink Floyd, and Tim Johnson’s self righteousness, this turned out to be the highest rated week yet.
Until next time…..
Don’t know where we’re going; just know where we’ve been.
