The 411 Week In Review 07.03.05: June 26, 2005 - July 2, 2005
Posted by Tim Johnson on 07.03.2005
Abridged…….for her pleasure
June 26th – July 2nd, 2005
I’d like to start with an apology for half-assing the column this week.
It’s not what you think.
I haven’t been gearing up for the 4th of July weekend. I haven’t been playing video games, watching movies, or going out to bars.
It’s the fucking cats…...
About 2 years ago, my wife told me she wanted a cat.
And of course, the answer was “NO!” Cats are worthless. They eat, they sleep, and they shit. And it all costs money.
And besides, if somebody were to break into your house, what’s your first line of defense going to be? A cat?
Of course, a dog would help you out there, but they’re a pain in the ass too. (With all the shitting, slobbering, leg humping, etc.)
So, I put a stern ban on all domestic animals forgot about it.
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2004.
Thinking that holiday isn’t really a big deal when you’re married, I didn’t plan anything special.
Then of course, she surprised me with an absolutely awesome gift. We had just recently moved into a new house, and the one thing I was missing was an office chair.
Lo and behold, to my total shock and surprise, it appeared on Valentine’s Day.
Realizing the bag of M&M’s I had gotten her would no longer cut it, I frantically declared that my Valentine’s gift to her was a trip to the pound to adopt the cat of her choice.
She was overcome with joy, and I with shock. I couldn’t believe that was the first thing my brain told my mouth to say.
On the way to the pound, I just kept hoping it was closed. And if it wasn’t, I hoped all the cats would be disheveled, or infected with anthrax or something.
When we arrived, we scanned the room and she didn’t immediately see anything she liked. Most of the cats were either lethargic or old and beat up.
Things were looking good for me at that point.
Then we came to the very last cage and found a small kitten that was recently found in the woods in the dead of winter. The little thing was active as hell and immediately caught my wife’s eye.
Best of all, one of the workers said it had respiratory problems from being frozen in ice, and subsequently may not live long. I figured I could handle 3 months with a cat.
So we got it, and it turned out that “respiratory problems” didn’t mean “short life.”
It meant “HUGE SNOTS.”
The cat started having sneezing attacks. Each attack lasted around 5 minutes and the end result was a slimy green cat booger that was literally the size of a walnut.
I have a stronger than average stomach, but seeing those things would instantly send me into dry heaves.
Of course, we couldn’t let the poor thing suffer, so we took it to the vet. CONSTANTLY!
After 5 months of vaccinations and inoculations, the cat was doing better. Every once in awhile, it would start with the sneezing, but we cured that problem with “cat nose moisturizer.”
Fast forward again to July 4th weekend, one year ago………
I came home from work and immediately got the feeling that something was out of place.
I thought my wife had broken something of mine, because she was very reluctant to fill me on what I was missing.
Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw something small and black dart behind our china cabinet. I immediately connected the dots.
She had somehow acquired another cat.
I demanded answers. She told me that a neighbor’s cat suddenly had an unexpected litter of kittens. I then demanded reasons why any of that was my problem.
She said she thought the cats were being treated poorly by their current owner and she wanted to adopt the little black one to give it a better life. In attempt to redeem myself for the last incident, my brain conjured up the following:
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea. Having two cats in the house is going to be a big responsibility, as well as an added expense. We might be starting a family in the next couple of years, and multiple cats could be a burden. However, I’ll leave it up to you. It’s your decision. If you really want it, we can keep it. But think of our future.”
I thought I was home free. That was the perfect mix of guilt and self righteousness.
Then sure enough, she kept it anyway.
So now I have a grey cat with sinus problems and a black cat that’s afraid of everything.
Fast forward to the current week……..
Both cats now have fleas. I don’t know how, because they aren’t allowed outside. Well at least, I don’t let them outside.
So they each have to be taken to the vet again, because the $10.00 flea collars I bought each of them don’t work. I’ve literally spent over 500 bucks on them since last year.
Now, to top it off, we have a mouse in our home.
Last night, I was planning to sit down and knock out the column. I made my way to the kitchen for a snack first, and noticed that the bag of potato chips had been shredded and little mouse turds were left at the scene.
Finally, my worthless cats are going to pay some sort of dividend. After all, cats do catch mice, right? That’s what they’re known for, isn’t it?
Sure enough, the black cat found the mouse and chased it downstairs. The grey cat joined in, and it was ON.
I grabbed a beer and sat down to watch the classic Cat v. Mouse battle unfold.
Both idiot cats would chase the mouse down, pick it up, and then just sit there in the middle of the room.
Of course, I’m yelling, “FINISH HIM” at the cats, which resulted in nothing but a blank stare.
Then whichever one didn’t have the mouse would come over and piss the other cat off. That cat would drop the mouse and then they’d chase it around some more. This escapade lasted for about 40 minutes.
Finally, the mouse was dead.
Dead tired that is. It crawled behind my weight set and then both fucking cats lost interest and went upstairs.
Mind you the mouse is still down there chillin.
I threw on some gloves and picked it up. I didn’t have the heart to kill it myself, so I did the next best thing.
I released it in the backyard of the neighbor who gave us the black cat.
Fast forward to this very minute…………..
The cats are again at the vet getting their yearly shots, and I have one entry in the Week in Review.
The moral of the story is to always stick with your gut instinct. Otherwise you could find yourself with two flea ridden cats that don’t even do what God created them for.
Enjoy this week’s lone entry.
MOVIES/TV
Not available.
MUSIC
Not available.
WRESTLING
Not available.
SPORTS
1) Kenny Rogers shoves cameramen
Hot tempered Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers shoved two cameramen Wednesday while walking onto the field before a game. Rogers sent one photographer to the hospital and broke a video camera in the process.
I guess that’s one way of getting the media out of your face.
Of course, another way would be NOT BEING A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYER.
When you’re paid millions of dollars to be a professional athlete, interacting with photographers is part of the job description. After all, without media coverage, there would be no million dollar contracts.
It’s not like these guys were camped outside of Kenny’s bathroom, trying to get a shot of him “working up a sample.” He was walking onto a Major League baseball field, and the photographers were covering the game.
It’s rare that a week passes where an athlete or a movie star doesn’t do something extremely stupid.
On the other hand, I suppose the mission was accomplished.
This photographer won’t be taking pictures of baseball players anymore. He’ll live the remainder of his days known as “The Guy who Spends Kenny’s Money.”
But hey, after Rogers is let go, he can probably use his namesake to get a job serving chicken at a “Roasters.”
RATING: 4
So that’s it.
Hopefully things will return to normal next week, as this turned out to be the worst week ever.
Until next time…..
Don’t know where we’re going; just know where we’ve been.
