Under the Scalpel 10.15.09: Madonna, Maria Mena, Melanie Fiona, Andrew Stockdale & Holiday Sidewinder

Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 10.15.2009

Madonna brags like an old cougar flirting at a karaoke dive bar, Maria Mena turns a cheesy disco-rock song into a shmaltzy lounge act number, Melanie Fiona is yet another sultry soul crooner recycling an old hit, and Andrew Stockdale of Wolfmother teams up with Bridezilla vocalist Holiday Sidewinder to deliver a magnificent rendition of a classic Stevie Nicks song. Brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist from the hard rock band A Simple Complex.

"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. Download three free tracks that will rock your panties off at www.asimplecomplex.com

Madonna & Lil Wayne – Revolver
Sleezy Meets Weezy In Cheesy Song



Twenty years ago, Madonna attained the title "Queen of Pop" by being an alluring pop diva who combined catchy hooks with audacious raunchiness and religious controversy. When she released a single, you'd have to hide out for months in an Amish barn to escape it.

She was sassy. She was hot. And her fans ate it up – especially young, aspiring singers who undoubtedly sang her songs regularly at home, at talent shows, and for countless auditions.

These days, Madonna (who has finally embraced the nickname of Madge) models her career after those same young starlets she once inspired, specifically the two pop tarts she locked lips with on MTV six years ago, and the floozy she almost locked lips with on Saturday Night Live recently.

Like an aging actress no longer being asked to fill roles involving more skin than clothing, a provocative female pop singer must garner enough talent – and sense – along the way to make the eventual transition from flirtatious, crotch-grabbing, pornographic-book-releasing, skimpy-wedding-gown-wearing sex object to credible songwriter and perfomer.

Madge's latest single provides hard evidence the aging singer did not garner that talent – or sense. "Revolver" is one more slice of lewd pop trash that fits well alongside the other forgettable singles she's released over the last eight years. It's a vapid little dance number one envisions a bubbly, twenty-something-year-old bimbo (trying to get discovered) undressing, undulating and moaning along to.

Note to Madge: You are no longer a bubbly, twenty-something-year-old bimbo.

At 51, she still chooses to dress like a burlesque performer and release hokey songs about being a sex goddess. How embarrassing.

"Revolver" was written by two brothers who call themselves The Jackie Boyz months before Madge got her spider-veined paws all over it. It was originally sung by professional scratch vocalist Ravaughn, and produced by Justin "Frank E" Franks – one of the people Madge enlisted to record new songs for her new Greatest Hits collection.

Reportedly rapper Flo Rida and girl-smoocher Katy Perry had already rejected the track. Madge, however, decided to embrace "Revolver," and re-sung it with a vocal performance best likened to a tired, old cougar on the prowl at a local karaoke dive bar.

"Oops, I guess I shot ya,
My finger's on the trigger,
I had a bullet with your name on it,
Click, click,
I'm a sex pistol,
My love should be illegal,
Real deal, baby, I'm no counterfeit,
Click, click."

The lyrics of "Revolver" are bad enough without the thought of them coming from some broad who is moments away from her golden years. Listening to Madge salaciously refer to herself as a "bad girl" and flippantly use childish metaphors like "sex pistol" makes me want to hurl my cookies – the ones she should be baking for her grandchildren.

Making matters worse, Madge's voice is hidden behind more vocal effects than you'd find in a T-Pain studio session, giving it a completely soulless, robotic, and well… "Britney" sound. Even the producer has made an open plea to Madge's fans on his twitter account, begging, "HELP!! Please tweet @guyoseary and M and ask them to let me fix Revolver!! :) thanks!!"

But the nightmare doesn't end there. Like pouring expired milk into a bowl of stale cereal, my least favorite rapper adds his terrible styling to this awful song. Lil Wayne guests for a verse and contributes more cheesy gun metaphors to an already cliché track with lines like, "I am Mister Shoot 'Em Down," and "I gave her extra rounds." Plus, he throws in his typical, utter nonsense like, "I only shoot to kill. The vest ain't gonna help it even if you're laying still."

As always, Wayne sounds like a constipated Prince groaning into a vocoder. The only worthwhile contribution he makes is the added name recognition.

Musically, "Revolver" sounds a lot like Britney's "If U Seek Amy," Lady Gaga's "Poker Face," and Kristinia DeBarge's electro-pop rework of "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Retro video game sounds and bland synths ride over a dull, predictable beat. The track goes nowhere and can't finish fast enough.

"Revolver" is a bad attempt by Madge to stay relevant as she emulates the sound of today's pop stars 30 years her junior. The old gray Madge, she ain't what she used to be. The problem is – she doesn't realize it.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)
If You Like: Britney Spears' Mom, Christina Aguilera's Mom, Lady Gaga's Grandmother, cougars

Hat Trick: Three quickies for the man on the go!

Andrew Stockdale & Holiday Sidewinder – Leather and Lace
I'm not a Wolfmother fan. But Andrew Stockdale's cover of the Stevie Nicks/Don Henley ballad "Leather And Lace" with Bridezilla vocalist Holiday Sidewinder on the Australian show RockWiz is magnificent. I was lucky enough to discover this track via Australian hard rocker band Grinspoon's twitter account. Stockdale and Sidewinder, along with the RockWiz house band, deliver a powerful performance of this classic ballad that sends a shiver down the spine. Problem is: I don't think there's a way to buy it and add it to my music collection. If somebody finds a way to obtain an mp3 of it, please post a link in the comments below. View the performance here. It is not to be missed.

Rating: ***** (5 out of 5)
If You Like: Fleetwood Mac, MTV's Unplugged series

Maria Mena – I Was Made For Loving You
Norwegian singer-songwriter Maria Mena is the latest musician in a long line of artists to cover Kiss' fan-alienating, disco-rock hit "I Was Made For Lovin' You." I admire her attempt to reinvent the song from the ground up, leaving behind the mirror ball and stretch pants, but her reinterpretation of "Lovin'" is pure kitsch. Mena comes off like a overstimulated Sarah McLachlan fronting a cornball lounge act. If she was trying to do a serious cover of the song, she failed. If it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek, here is my half-hearted chuckle. Now I'm ready to move on. Because either way, it's still lame.

Rating: * (1 out of 5)
If You Like: Richard Cheese

Melanie Fiona – Give It To Me Right
Sigh. Another recycled hit. Imagine Jazmine Sullivan ad-libbing new lyrics over "Time Of The Season" by The Zombies. That's what Canadian R&B singer Melanie Fiona's debut single sounds like. Sure the music is catchy – that was established 40 years ago – but this track goes beyond 'too close to the original.' It's impossible to listen to Fiona's song without replacing her lyrics with the 'correct' ones. "Give" was penned by fellow Guyanese songwriter Andrea Martin, who has written hits for SWV, En Vogue, Toni Braxton, and, most recently, Leona Lewis. The track's (new) lyrics are a message to this lady's part-time fling, letting him know that she doesn't want his company all of the time, but when she does, he'd better bring his A-Game. This song has had success in Canada and Europe, but only tickled the bottom of Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs Chart. Fiona is a good singer, and this song is fun. But after hearing it a couple of times, I realized that I'd rather just listen to the unaltered version of "Time Of The Season." Hopefully the other songs on her album The Bridge show a little more originality.

Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
If You Like: En Vogue, Jazmine Sullivan, Toni Braxton

Wacky Video Of The Week

Naked Ape – Fashion Freak
Premise: Electronica nerds get treated to sexy zombie car wash