411's 2009 American Music Awards Report 11.22.09

Posted by Michael James on 11.22.2009

Award season is kicking into full gear with the American Music Awards. Big names from across the pop universe are slated to perform. Who will people be talking about around Monday's water cooler?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Biggest Night in Music! Well, after the Grammys… and the VMAs. and the BET Awards….and the CMA Awards (if you're into that sort of thing)… and the American Idol finale…. and Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve… but tonight is definitely bigger than the Billboard Music Awards. So welcome to the Bigger than the Billboard Music Awards Night in Music…. The 2009 American Music Awards!

I'm Michael James, and I've been unleashed from the album review ghetto to keep you updated on all of tonight's happenings. On tap are a bunch of awards voted on by the Internet public, performances by, among many others, Rihanna, Whitney Houston, Green Day, Jennifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Keith Urban, Jay-Z and Alicia Keys, Eminem, Mary J. Blige and Adam Lambert. There also should be a lot of Michael Jackson love, seeing as Janet Jackson is, in a moment of VMA déjà vu, starting the show with a medley. MJ also somehow managed to be nominated for five awards, even though his only contributions to 2009 were announcing a series of concerts, stealing a song from Paul Anka, and not making it out of 2009.

Alright, let's get to it.

Janet Jackson Performance

As promised, the show starts with "8 minutes of Janet Jackson". Looks like she's doing her own songs tonight, as she starts of by lip synching "Control." That's followed by "What Have You Done for My Lately." She is not even attempting to convince anyone she's really singing. Here dancing isn't very exciting either. There is some serious late ‘80s- early ‘90s hip-hop moves on display. She's flying through this mega-mix of her hits. I should also note her outfit is terrible… I see suede, snakeskin and leather, in various shades of craptastic brown.

The dude from Rascal Flatts is doing the white-boy shuffle at his seat, complete with overbite.



Best Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group
Our first presenter is Paula Abdul, and they trusted her to do it alone. Shockingly, she gets too close to the microphone, and there's a squeal of feedback. I wonder if she realizes the irony when she points out that all the biggest stars will be there "singing live." She probably doesn't.

The first award is Pop/Rock Band/Duo/Group. Nominated are the Black Eyed Peas, Kings of Leon and Nickelback. The Black Eyed Peas obviously won, because these awards are all about getting the biggest names to actually show up. I'm happy they let Taboo and Apl.De.Ap speak. They don't get enough shine.

I bet Wyclef was really excited when they asked him to perform during the American Music Awards. He was probably much less excited when he found out it was in a cell phone commercial.

Best Country Band/Duo/Group
Kristen Bell and Jason Aldean present the award for Best Country Band/Duo/Group. Kristen Bell looks really good, as usual. I have no idea who Jason Aldean is, but based on the cowboy hat, I'm going to guess he is a country singer. Nominees are Rascal Flatts, Sugarland and Zac Brown Band. Rascal Flatts wins. The announcer takes it upon himself to talk smack to all other country acts, announcing that Rascal Flatts "has taken ownership of this category," winning four straight. That's not very gentlemanly. They seem cool, make a couple of populist jokes about employment and taxes.

Daughtry and Shakira Performances
Pete Wentz apparently stole Will.I.Am's jacket. He's here to introduce Daughtry, the first of many American Idol alums performing tonight. They're performing "Life After You." They seem pretty serious for a group who apparently is only after a life full of laughter. Rock bands usually don't fare very well performing on these awards shows, since they can't compete in the ridiculous spectacle department.



Case in point- Shakira performs right after Daughtry with an army of half naked steppers. She's definitely lip synching. More half naked steppers come down the aisles. I'm not being coy by not listing the name of the song. I have no idea what it is -- and I'm ok with that. (Thanks to google, it's apparently her new single "Give It Up to Me"). The song is produced by Timbaland. It's also terrible.



Keith Urban and Kelly Clarkson Performances
ABC shills its own Modern Family, by having Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen introduce the next performer. This is an interesting choice, since the two have been waging a public war of words recently, with Bowen essentially calling Vergara a gold digger on Chelsea Handler's show. I hate myself for knowing that. Bowen looks like she went shopping in K.D. Lang's closet.

Keith Urban is performing. I don't listen to country, so let's see what the hype is about. I thought artistically flat ironed hair was limited to rock stars? He seems like he's having fun, and this performance is much better than Daughtry's.

Reba McEntire introduces Kelly Clarkson, performing "Already Gone." This is a "classy performance". You can tell by the orchestra. Clarkson's outfit is the opposite of rock and roll. Her voice sounds awesome though, and its refreshing that someone is actually singing live. Hands down the best performance of the night so far. Clarkson gets a standing ovation and, unlike Janet Jackson, actually deserves it.




Best Pop/Rock Female

Snoop Dogg and Joe Perry are presenting Best Pop/Rock Female. Joe Perry looks Amelia Earhart. Snoop looks like he escaped form the Matrix. No word on whether Snoop will be the next lead singer of Aerosmith. Sorry, the joke had to be made.

The nominees are Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift wins. They cut to her live in London rehearsing for her tour, so apparently there won't be a redo of the Kanye incident, unless one of her background dancers really wants to get fired.

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys Performance
They just introduced Alex Rodriguez of the "World Champion New York Yankees". I just threw up in my mouth. But at least this means its time for the Jay-Z/ Alicia Keys performance. Alicia's all dolled up, singing "New York, New York". Jay-Z is rocking the white dinner jacket, looking like a pimp.



Hold up—did they just show Seth Green grinding with Keira Knightley? That's weird. Please tell me that's not true, because it will make me sad, and may negatively influence the rest of your AMA recap.

Ok, back to Jay-Z and Alicia—they're performing "Empire State of Mind" obviously. Jay doesn't even bother to take his hand out of his pocket, which cements his kingpin status. There are roughly ten pianos on stage. Alicia Keys' outfit is buckled tight across the chest. No wardrobe malfunctions here.

Lady Gaga is dressed like Marilyn Manson and is ice-grilling Jay-Z. Ne-Yo is conducting the orchestra from the audience. Nice to see he's enjoying himself. We have our second strong performance.

Best Alternative Rock
Christian Slater is presenting, with nominees Green Day, Kings of Leon and Shinedown. Definitely Green Day. Shocking—biggest name gets the award. Billie Joe gives an earnest support punk rock speech.


The Black Eyed Peas Performance
Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson introduce The Black Eyed Peas. They've had some work done. Kate Hudson's dress is hanging on for dear life. BEP perform "Meet Me Halfway." Fergie's also had some work done, but she looks good. Will.I.Am is wearing a Morris Day wig and playing a key-tar. What the hell is that about? Taboo is dancing down the aisle, and gave a pound to Adam Lambert. Fergie is showing a whole lot of ass. I'm sure you can expect pictures here on 411mania tomorrow. Aaron Grey's good like that.

Some dancers come out dressed like vintage robots for "Boom Boom Pow," which is cool. God help me, I still like this song. The DJ mixes in some "It Takes Two," which is an interesting choice since there's actually another song on The E.N.D. built on an "It Takes Two" sample. They end with a mashup of "It Takes Two" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit," before Will.I.Am announces the group as the new kings. Kurt Cobain just slowly rotated in his grave.



By the way, we have confirmation that Seth Green was not in fact with Keira Knightley, just some other girl who's way too hot for him. I'm fine with that. Go get ‘em Seth!

Best Soul/R&B Male
The award is being presented by Selena Gomez and Orianthi, who was apparently Michael Jackson's guitarist. The nominees are Jamie Foxx, Michael Jackson and Maxwell. Gee, I wonder where this one is going? Michael Jackson. Jermaine accepts on his behalf, which is shocking since he's been grieving in such a private, non money-grubbing, legacy-whoring way throughout this whole process.

Best Country Male
The whole Zac Brown Band is on stage to present the award. They are some scruffy ,looking dudes. Is Zach Galifinakis in this band? Nominees are Darius Rucker, Jason Aldean and Keith Urban. Urban wins. Hootie may be the first nominee who really is "just happy to be nominated." He shouts out Nicole Kidman and she smiles. At least I think she does—can't really tell nowadays.

Best Soul/R&B Female
Kris Allen and Demi Lovato are presenting. This gives me a chance to pimp my Kris Allen review going live today on 411. Nominees are Beyonce, Keyshia Cole and Keri Hilson. Beyonce wins in a huge upset. Apparently winning an award and Jay-Z's performance wasn't enough for her to actually show up.

Rihanna Performance
Ne-Yo introduces Rihanna. This is the AMA's big chance for a "moment". The performance starts out with a video of a naked Rihanna, always a plus. She performs a medley of "Wait Your Turn" and "Hard" on an apocalyptic set in an outfit inspired by Milla Jovovich in The Fifth Element. I hope that tattoo down the middle of her chest isn't real. Interesting performance, although I'm sure she'll be out-wierded by Lady Gaga.



Carrie Underwood Performance
Rascal Flatts introduce Carrie Underwood over some ridiculous echo. The lead singer makes a funny joke about it. These guys seem cool. Underwood's got a whole flock of scantily clad back up dancers. She's tarting her way through "Cowboy Casanova". The harmonies are terrible on the performance, but at least she's singing live. I never thought of Underwood as the background dancer type. I also never figured she'd be one for stripper body glitter. She's full of surprises. Better get used to Underwood, we're going to be watching her perform on awards shows for the next two decades. This song kind of rocks—if it sounds like this on the album, I might actually pay .99 cents for it.



Lady Gaga Performance
Damn, talk about setting Underwood up. No one will be talking about her solid performance 4 and a half minutes from now. I really dislike Gaga's pretentious "performance art," but I'll be damned if I'm not excited for this. She's performing "Bad Romance" with some dancers in nude body stockings. They all have weird headpieces on, which make them look like armadillos. This is a much more subdued performance then I expected. Didn't she hang herself in effigy at the VMAs? What a letdown.

OK she just shattered the glass enclosure around a piano. She's crooning now, and the piano is on fire. Now we're getting somewhere. She's singing "Speechless and sounds terrific. Now there are violinists in gas masks, and she's shattering Johnny Walker bottles on the piano. How's that for product placement? She is certifiably insane, but that was awesome.



I hate Perez Hilton.

Mary J. Blige Performance
Drake, Jeremih and Kid Cudi introduce Mary, and they are generally acting a fool. I hope Gaga throws a bottle at them. Mary performs "I Am." The song is catchy and Blige sounds great, but on the heels of Lady Gaga, this feels anti-climactic. She projected her album cover on the screen behind her, which is very shrewd.

Breakthrough Artist Award
This award is presented by Colbie Caillat. She looks great. This is the only award you could vote for by text during the show. That makes it special. How do I know? Because Colbie told me. The nominees are Gloriana, Keri Hilson, Kid Cudi and Lady Gaga. Oh come on….. Colbie gets a "text message" with the response. Gloriana wins. I listen to a lot of music, but who the hell are Gloriana? Apparently they heard me, as they just asked from the stage "How many people just asked ‘who the hell is Gloriana?".

Jennifer Lopez Performance
Lopez is premiering her new single called "Louboutins", which I surely misspelled. Michael Buffer is in the house, as J.Lo is going with a boxing motif this evening. She is also going with a lip synching motif. J.Lo. has also had some work done. Haha--- J.Lo just busted her ass on stage while jumping off a tower of barely clothed dudes. Definitely the highlight of her performance. This song isn't terrible I guess.



International Artist of the Year
Samuel L. Jackson is wearing a shirt he stole from someone's Asian grandmother. Whitney Houston is being named the AMA's 7th "International Artist of the Year." She's singing, not speaking, which is probably a good thing. She looks positively regal performing "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and her voice sounds better than it has any right to after all she's put it through. I spoke too soon, she missed a couple of notes, but this is still much more cathartic than her Oprah interview. Could have done without the gospel choir though. The ending was really powerful. Whitney can still make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.



Uh oh… she's going to speak. ::Crosses fingers:: She started making a really unfortunate gesture to that award statute. Other than that, the speech came off without a hitch.

Best Country Female
Carrie Ann Inaba and Leona Lewis are shilling for ABC's Dancing with the Stars. Ahh, corporate synergy. The nominees are Reba McEntire, Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood. A lot of star power there, but Taylor Swift takes it. They cut back to London where it is apparently 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not buying it.

Best Pop/Rock Male
Melissa Etheridge presenting, with nominees Eminem, Michael Jackson and T.I. Michael Jackson wins again. This one doesn't bother me, since he's the only Pop artist nominated. How come Jermaine gets to accept again? Where's Tito at? He just thanked his "personal family". I wonder who counts as unpersonal family? I'm guessing Joe.

Alicia Keys Performance
Alicia's double-dipping tonight and performing her new single. I really hope she's not trying to outfierce Rihanna and Lady Gaga. Her voice sounds really thin. She's singing "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart". This song sucks. This may be my least favorite Alicia Keys song ever, and she sounds terrible. She definitely gave her A performance to Jay-Z tonight.



Eminem Performance
Seth Green is introducing Eminem. He's babbling. Eminem has 50 Cent in tow, which could be good or bad. Why perform "Crack a Bottle"? Has anyone cared about this song in the past 8 months or so? And why bring 50 instead of Dre? Eminem is moving into "Forever". Is he bringing out Drake and the boys? I mean, we know he's there, he already introduced Mary J. Nope. Wasted opportunity.



Timbaland, Nelly Furtado and So Shi Performance
Dude looks real bloated. I don't know who So Shi is, but she looks like a character from True Blood and sounds better than Nelly Furtado. Color me intrigued. I need to hear the recorded version of this song, because right now it sounds like a hot mess. I could use a break from zombie/vampire motifs as well.



Green Day Performance

Dominic Monaghan and Morena Baccarin introduce Green Day to perform "21 Guns". Hey, don't they have struggling shows on ABC? What an opportune time to promote them! If only Kelsey Grammer could have held out a few more weeks. I like this song, and the performance is fine, but I could really use a break from Green Day. Which isn't a good sign, since they already took 5 years between albums. Who are all those extra dudes on stage with Green Day? I thought there were only 3 of them.

Best Hip-hop/Rap Male
Keri Hilson and Toni Braxton present to nominees Eminem, Jay-Z and T.I. Jay-Z wins and he's back looking like one of the Rat Pack.

They just let the people from Ernst & Young wave from the stage. That's cute. At least they don't let them speak like the President of the Grammys. He's a huge buzz kill every year.

Artist of the Year
Ryan Seacrest is presenting Artist of the Year. The nominees are Eminem, Michael Jackson, Kings of Leon, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift.

Before we get to the winner, I just want to point out that Kings of Leon got the shaft. They were nominated all over the place, and didn't even get asked to perform!

Taylor Swift wins. I'm actually surprised Michael Jackson didn't win.

Apparently she won 5 awards in total tonight, as Seacrest mentions that there were other awards presented off air. This is the first time they've mentioned this all night. I've got some sleuthing to do.

Taylor shouts out the "Jackson family and Janet." Does she know something we don't know?

Adam Lambert Performance
Adam Lambert gets the prime slot, closing the show with "For Your Entertainment". I have a strong feeling I'm going to hate this. He's doing his cabaret singing thing to start. Can we all just agree this guy is built for Broadway, not pop music? Thanks. This is like a deleted scene from Rocky Horror Picture Show. ABC's censors got skittish when Lambert just grinded some dude's face into his crotch, treating us to a nice crowd shot. Mickey Mouse does not approve. For the record, anyone who listens to this song and says they like it is lying. Plain and simple. At least he's an equal opportunity groper. I think he just got to third base with the girl on the stripper pole. And he just tongue kissed his female keyboard player. Out Magazine is going to be pissed. The song sucked, but I've got to hand it to him, he's a hell of a performer.



Alright folks, that was an orgy of music and self-promotion that actually seemed on the verge of an actual orgy at times. Some solid performances by the usual suspects, including Lady Gaga and Jay-Z. And in spite of myself, I may actually download "Cowboy Casanova" and "Speechless." But maybe not.

Either way, I hope you all had fun and enjoyed the show. May our paths cross again soon…. when are the Billboard Awards again?