Under the Scalpel 12.18.09: Kesha, Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band, Hot Leg
Posted by Mark Ingoldsby on 12.18.2009
Kesha offers a forgettable club jam about partying with no money, Peter Kay creates a "band" using claymation and cartoon figures to raise money charity, and former The Darkness singer Justin Hawkins is still a corny cock rock anachronism. Brought to you by the sometimes humorous, always heartless guitarist from the hard rock band A Simple Complex.
"Under the Scalpel: Dissecting Pop Culture One Song at a Time" is a weekly column written by Mark Ingoldsby, songwriter and guitarist for the hard rock band A Simple Complex. Follow the band on Twitter during our hibernation for new recordings, wild photos, and entertaining quotes from our many wild interviews.
Kesha – Tik Tok
Broke Floozy Releases Forgettable Club Jam
Before releasing her debut single, "Tik Tok," Kesha had already gained celebrity from being featured in a song that topped music charts around the globe. Yet she was still flat broke.
While working on Flo Rida's song "Right Round", producer Dr. Luke felt the song needed a female vocalist so he invited Kesha to guest on the track.
The song exploded, but she never earned a dime from its success. And she declined the offer to appear in the song's video.
"["Right Round"] was number one in a bajillion countries and I didn't have enough money to buy myself a taco," she told Entertainment Weekly. "So I was talking to one of my friends about it and I was like, ‘What the hell!' I literally had two dollars to my name, and she was like, ‘Whatever, you don't need money: You're money.' And I was like, ‘Yeah! I'm money!'"
Oh…kay. Obviously, Kesha's handling of the business end of the music industry is not her forté. But she does know about one thing – how to party with empty pockets. And that's what "Tik Tok" is all about.
Kesha claims that the songs on her upcoming album are "a really accurate description of [her] life over the last four years." If that's the case, "Tik Tok," the album's lead single, reveals that Kesha has had several pedicures, has tried on a butt-load of clothes, has had lots of guys try to touch her "junk," and has brushed her teeth a number of times with Jack Daniels – a practice she insists is "absolutely true." No pedantic details are spared in the song as Kesha expounds on her typical day.
"Ain't got a care in world,
But got plenty of beer,
Ain't got no money in my pocket,
But I'm already here,
And now the dudes are lining up,
'Cause they hear we got swagger,
But we kick 'em to the curb,
Unless they look like Mick Jagger."
Look like Mick Jagger? I realize that Kesha never met her father, but this takes "daddy issues" to a whole new level. Waiting for ugly 66-year-old men with rubber hoses for lips to hit on you earns a blue ribbon at any Electra Complex contest.
The story behind the making of "Tik Tok" is as dopey as its lyrics. "Tik Tok" was specifically inspired by an time Kesha awoke "surrounded by ten of the most beautiful women you've ever seen" and thought, "I'm like P. Diddy."
Overcome by this Earth-shattering epiphany, Kesha rushed to meet with her producer (Luke) like she'd just discovered the meaning of life. Once she had shared her stroke of genius, the two began to write a song based around this gem of poetic magnificence.
By sheer coincidence, Luke received a phone call from the puffed one himself four hours into creating "Tik Tok." Diddy had called to say he'd like to work with Kesha on a song. One thing led to another and before you could say "totally worthless collaboration," Diddy agreed to show up at the studio and offer his services that same day. What exactly did Diddy add to Kesha's song? Prepare yourself for another example of pure genius in songsmithing. Are you sitting down? Diddy contributed two lines: "Hey, what up girl?" and "Let's Go."
What I'd like to know is, did Puff actually sit down and struggle with pen and paper for a few hours to come up with this innovative and captivating contribution? Or was he just unable to think of anything worth adding to Kesha's ditzy little pop song and someone had fortunately recorded the first two things he said upon entering the studio that day? Either way, it's a very disappointing guest appearance.
If you heard Kesha's performance in Flo Rida's "Right Round," then you already know that she can do a good job behind a microphone. Unfortunately, her vocal talents are present only in the chorus of "Tik Tok." In the song's verses, Kesha sounds just like French singer/rapper Uffie, delivering her lines with a bizarre mix of valley girl, slut, and creaky door. In other words, she sounds like a fussy cock tease. Her snotty articulation better befits complaints like, "You don't know what you're doing, do you?" and "You're on my hair again."
Musically, "Tik Tok" is just another contemporary club jam made from kick thumps, clap-snares, retro 8-bit boops, and 1980s arcade game sound effects. I admit – it has a catchy groove, but it doesn't go anywhere interesting once the song is established. And it gets old fast.
The head of Columbia Records describes Kesha as a cross between Madonna and the Beastie Boys. I think a cross between The Spice Girls and The Waitresses is a far more accurate depiction. "Tik Tok" is just another flash-in-the-pan, pre-manufactured pop song that will be forgotten by next summer. Sure, you can shake your ass to it if a DJ spins this record at a club – add a little booze and some wiggling flesh and you'll have a blast. But don't bother adding it to your collection. Within days, you'll forget it's in there.
"Tik Tok" currently sits at #2 on Billboard's Hot 100. Hopefully Kesha, the girl who referred to herself as "young and broke" as recently as two months ago, worked out a different deal with this song than she did with "Right Round." Oh wait, she doesn't need money – she "is" money.
Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
If You Like: Christina Aguilera, Madonna (select tracks), Pink, Spice Girls
Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band – The Official BBC Children In Need Medley
‘Ave It
For years now, English actor/comedian/writer Peter Kay has used music to raise money for charities such as Children In Need, Comic Relief, and NSPCC.
To participate in fundraising efforts in the past, Kay has performed other artist's songs such as "(Is This The Way To) Amarillo?" and "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)." Last year, Kay released an original Christmas single under the name of Geraldine McQueen (don't ask) titled "Once Upon A Christmas Song."
This year, however, he's outdone himself. After two years of work, Kay and the production company that makes the children's show Roary The Race Car have created… fanfare, please… Peter Kay's Animated All Star Band. (Sound a bit like Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? Apparently they thought so too.)
In an effort to raise funds for Children In Need, the "group" released a song and video last month in the vein of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and "We Are The World" titled "The Official BBC Children In Need Medley."
There are two major differences between "Medley" and the other two aforementioned songs. First, this is not a new composition. It is a medley of pre-existing hits (you had already figured that one out, I'm sure). The songs included range from "Can You Feel It" by The Jacksons (a song about spreading the message of peace), to The Beatles' "Hey Jude" (a song about John Lennon's oft-neglected son Julian), to Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping" (a song about getting plastered).
Other songs featured in the medley are "Don't Stop" (Fleetwood Mac), "Jai Ho!" (Pussycat Dolls), "Never Forget" (Take That), and "One Day Like This" (Elbow).
The second difference is that the "artists" performing this track are cartoon and claymation characters. Featured are "people" like Bob The Builder, Thomas The Tank Engine, Scooby Doo & Shaggy, the Teletubbies (*shudder*), and several other fictional personas that I, and most Americans presumably, wouldn't recognize (like the "event organizer" Pudsey for example).
"Medley" is a feel-good song that soared to the top of the UK Singles Chart for two weeks this month, and has raised over £170,000 for Children In Need. "This means if you buy the single and bring Peter Kay's musical magic home," the BBC website explains, "you will be helping to make a positive change to a young life in need here in the UK."
If you'd like to support Children In Need too, be sure to buy "The Official BBC Children In Need Medley" from iTunes or visit http://bbc.co.uk/pudsey to donate.
Huh? What's that? Do I LIKE it? Well, what can I say? It's a bunch of cartoon and claymation characters singing pop songs. I won't be adding it to my playlist.
But they may still get a buck out of me anyway.
Rating: N/A
If You Like: Band Aid, We Are The World
Hot Leg – Cocktails
Lick The Salt
I recently discovered an inconvenient truth. Justin Hawkins, the former lead singer for The Darkness, has a new band. I'd rather have my dentist tell me I need nine root canals than be subjected to anything Hawkins is involved with.
Some months ago, I downloaded a podcast and just recently got around to listening to it. After listening to a half-dozen songs or so, I heard three cowbell hits fill the air. Next, what sounded like a Casiotone keyboard began playing over guitars that took great pleasure in alternating between the E, B and C# chords like the combination was discovered yesterday.
My eyebrows furrowed. I double-checked the description of the podcast. Yep, it says "new" music. New Loverboy? Journey? Night Ranger? Then the vocals kicked in. My mind began racing. This guy sounds vaguely familiar. Wait, no. Terrible falsetto... Hawkins!
Strictly in the interest of journalism, if I can be so brave as to refer to my column as such, I decided to watch the song's video on YouTube. There was Hawkins, with his new band, gallivanting like he'd just crashed the set of a Bulletboys video. Everyone was decked out in 1980s glam gear including (but not limited to) ascots, shiny shirts, and leather pants. Hair was fully teased and looking extremely feminine. The nightmare was real.
There are a number of people who insist Hawkins' work oozes with delicious parody. I disagree. Not only is there no (intentional) humor to be found in his music or image, but he appears to whole-heartedly embrace and revel in this corny anachronism. Hawkins offers not even the slightest implication that he sees any of this as a joke in any of his music, videos or interviews. He is what Spinal Tap lampooned.
Like the band's image, Hot Leg's single "Cocktails" is the embodiment of every 1980's cock rock cliché... taken seriously. The lyrics are eighth-grader poetry at best. The song has no point, and consists of very few words – probably due to the singer's small vocabulary. The track simply combines campy innuendo with hokey references to luxury hotels and the alcoholic beverages to be consumed at each. How painfully unoriginal. And yes, there is, of course, an obligatory reference to a random city in California tacked onto the end. Just because.
"Honey I've got the van,
So let's go to Cannes,
We could do Manhattans,
At the Juan Lapin,
Carlton Casino and the Nova Hilton Bar,
Drive out to the Cap where the cocktails are,
All your favorite drinks in the same glass, sweet woman
Cock. Cock, cock, cock cocktails...
And if you want to go off-piste,
Well, all you've to do is ask."
It may sound like a stretch to some, but I definitely hear a golden shower or gokkun insinuation buried within the lyrics. Hawkins offers "cock cocktails" containing a variety of drinks "in the same glass." The cheesy line "if you want to go off-piste" (which can be heard as "go off pissed") adds to the visual.
While browsing through comments on YouTube, I see there a lot of people who enjoy this track. While I could easily dispute that the song is not "brilliant," as one poster lovingly described the song, I won't argue with those who simply miss and still enjoy this style of music – like a commenter who posted, "It's like the 90's never happened. Love it." Ok, fair enough. But I just say no.
For those who insist Hawkins is "brilliant," and are disappointed to see that the band's website hasn't been updated in eight months, they can get regular doses of Hawkins' intelligent musings from his twitter account. Prepare yourself for daily reflections like:
My opinion? This song is totally unoriginal, juvenile, and though quite laughable, not a parody. I think the band sucks. And so did fellow columnist Chris Crowing.
Rating: ** (2 out of 5)
If You Like: Chickenfoot, Kix, Loverboy, Motley Crue (1987-1990 select tracks), The Darkness
