The Mosh Pit 1.08.10: The Biggest News Stories Of 2010

Posted by Dan Haggerty on 01.08.2010

It’s the annual Mosh Pit’s cracked look music news for the coming year! In the new year we’ll get a Miley Cyrus’ sex video and we'll run down the likely candidates caught in the act, Amy Winehouse will become the new hit Barbie Doll of the holiday season, and American Idol will cycle through new judges each year. Plus, we have a huge announcement on the future of the Mosh Pit. Click the link for all the sordid details!

Yes, it is that time again for the Mosh Pit's annual tradition of firing up the photoshop and looking into the magic crystal ball (Eight Ball?). Sometimes you just need to let it all hang out and have fun. But before we get to that and since we're past the holidays it's time I start shooting back to you guys in the comments section:

The fact that you name dropped MUNICIPAL WASTE makes you a god!

Posted By: BLACK

Nope. I'm just an acolyte spreading the good word my man!

You tell me, for how long WILL Slayer of Metallica still go at it? How long until Metallica is finally slain?

Posted By: Dirtiest D

I've got some bad news for you Dirties D. Metallica is like any band that crosses over into the mainstream, they will go for as long as they want. Just look at the Rolling Stones or Aerosmith for just how long. And whether you like Metallica or not, you have to give them credit for overcoming all of the alcohol and inter-band drama that plagues other bands so they are primed to roll for awhile. Sure, the infamous guy with the sweater killed a lot of Metallica cred in the underground but the blunt truth is that the franchise is too big to slow now.


When you do your best metal CD's of the year in a few weeks, I can't imagine that any disc is going to be Dethklok. Since I picked up that disc about 10 weeks ago, I don't think it's not been played more than 48 hours in my car. Hard to go against that.

Posted By: Krunchy

Krunchy! Good to hear from you man, and I have a gut feeling your going to like the commin announcement. As for Dethklok… Well we'll see what everyone thinks next week. My money is on the fact I'm going to make a number of fans AND critics unhappy, but that is the joy of splattering an opinion over the internet!


The only things going against Progressive Metal becoming the next big thing are that people dont have the attention spans to make it popular and the mainstream metal in each decade is horrible.

80s Hair Metal - Awful
90s Nu Metal - Disgraceful
00s Metalcore - Ugh

Posted By: Guest#5609

As much as I LOVE Dream Theater, I seriously doubt prog will be too popular. This is mainly because people won't like listening to songs that are 25 mins long or they can't dance or do whatever the common thing is that they like to do. Furthermore, the music is also often times extremely complex and as someone told me once "extremely boring"...ah well...to each his own I say!

Posted By: Cyber


I think its safe to say that you listen to some metalcore bands regularly but you don't even know it. As I Lay Dying, Parkway Drive and Architects have been a breath of fresh air this past decade.

Posted By: ShaneSilver

Thanks guys and you all made good points. You're right, 25 minute songs will not be mainstream and those bands will stay in the fringe or the underground. BUT ShaneSilver has the right idea. Progressive music doesn't have to be 10 minute songs These bands can put one or two on an album and fill up the rest with normal songs that are progressive based on technical skill, unorthodox song structures, sotry telling, key signatures, and other mold breaking ideas. If you think of Queensryche's Operation Mindcrime then you can get an idea of how a band can go there without being so over the top it turns people away. What I will say is that will probably be the end of the progressive trend, bands going over the top like they did in the 70's and fatiguing the fan base.

And hey, I could blow that one. Guest4606 might be right and we'll get some crapcore SuperNewWaveOfAmericanMainStreamMetalHotTopic scene (SNWOAMSMHT).

Ugh is right.




Big Announcement!!!

After next week's big Top Meal Albums of 2009 feature we'll be back to the grind for the New Year.

BUT, this year is going to be special here in the Mosh Pit. You see this year is the 40th anniversary of heavy metal. Heavy metal, god help us old dogs, is going into its fourth decade. So to celebrate this momentous occasion I'm going to do what I do best and DEDICATE THE YEAR to celebrate the history of heavy metal.

How?

Simple, I'm going to cover the entire history of heavy metal ONE YEAR at a time. This is the big project I alluded to late last year, and it has soaked up some time. But here we are. In two weeks the debut column will cover everything in the 60's that led to hard rock and heavy metal and then every week after that we're going to cover a new year. Starting from 1970 and we'll keep going every week until we hit 2010 at the end of the year.

But wait, it gets better. Not only will you get my account of the year, but I'll also cover influences, crossover bands that where big then or influenced music to come, and my personal favorite top albums of the year.

PLUS, at the end of each decade, since I'm sure to miss a few things in a project this massive, when you guys shoot me feedback on bands or subjects I'll do a recap of each decade and roll your feedback into it. My hope is that between me and you, the best readers on the net, by the time we celebrate Christmas we'll have the biggest and most bad ass collection of metal history and great albums to ever get covered in virtual space. Hell, Mitch pitched the idea of turning it into a book when I'm done and I think I'm going to take him up on it.

So strap yourself in ladies and generals, it's going to be a wicked year. Plus, we'll have cool banners with shameless cross branding!







The Cracked Look At Pop News In 2010!



Miley Cyrus Sex Scandal

In the most shocking story of the year, sex tapes hit the internet featuring America's favorite teen idol. Yes, Miley Cyrus aka Hanna Montana aka tween icon goes from the most popular Google search for teenage girls to the most popular search for teen boys (and their dads) over night. Once again the internet will shatter childhood dreams as the recorded "encounter" between Miley and her secret lover is blazingly splattered world wide. While parents where able to put up with a couple of pictures and the whole pole dancing incident, unfortunately they now must face the facts that Miley Cyrus has indeed grown up and not the perfect hero for their kids. As one parent said, "Well shit, who'll raise our kids now? Do you know how hard it is to find a positive role model to for the kid to watch when we put in a DVD? I might have to take Susie to the mall now and spend quality time with her."

Other celebrities are quick to come to the defense of the besieged fallen pop princess. Talor Swift will cry to reporters "Just leave her alone! Leave her alone… She did nothing to you. You don't know what she goes through!" Paris Hilton will chime in "OHHHHH… That is how you do that!" Simon Cowell will give a blithe "People need to stop fussing about it; it was a pretty karaoke performance." Lady GaGa will add, "Shit, I should have thought of that".

Most disturbing of all will be the identity of Miley's secret lover. The perpetrator caught deflowering America's favorite sweet sixteen will ruin their image and tarnish an industry. Many people will be accused at first…:

	Kanye West "Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!" I agree, she probably would.
	Billy Ray Cyrus It would explain a few things and the sad fact is you wouldn't be surprised. But no, we're not going there. Even if the picture just begs more jokes. I'll let you fill them in.
	Axl Rose She'd be 28 before he actually got around to it.
	Ozzy Sharon would have to be there to talk him through it, and that would just get weird.
	Adam Lambert I'm sure Adam will appear in a sex video but I'm also sure it won't be with Miley. I'll let you connect the dots on this one. Lighten up people, this is all in fun.
	AJ Grey Sadly, always a bride's maid but never a bride, poor AJ is the man behind the camera and not in front of it. Besides, with the women he can access why would he need Hanna Montana?
	MVP Ball'n!
	Mitch Michaels You wish buddy. (Ed. Note: I don't know, she's getting pretty old.)
	Lady GaGa You know she would do it. She'd do it for the PR and it would work too. And you know why? Because you guys would be all over it. Admit it. You want to see this.
	Susan Boyle Toss in a foot fetish or a little POV in the video and this… …just made a lot of you sick. My work here is done.

But the sad reality is that NO ONE was expecting who the real secret lover of Miley Cyrus would be. Sadly, we really should have seen it coming:








That explains a lot right there…









Amy Crackhouse Talking Doll!

Since the label that contracts Amy Winehouse will be unable to make any money off of her failed attempts to make actual music, they will decide to offload the troubled singer. The sad fact is that the economy will leave little room for music labels to purchase what becomes jokingly known in industry circles as a "Toxic Asset". Finally, unable to sell Winehouses contract to another music company her label will sell the singers name and contract to the only bidder at auction: Mattel.

Yes, in a bid to reposition themselves with a new edgier brand of toys Mattel will launch the Pop Star Doll Series^TM. Amy Winehouse will become the image of the first new doll to hit shelves just in time for Christmas.







In addition to the doll, you will also get accessories like a scale to size pack of cigarettes, a crack pipe, a Bob Marley record, and a dildo with the word "Blake" written on it. Plus, if you push the button she talks!

"Where's my shirt?"
"This is some good shit!"
"I did what last night?"
"Math is hard."
"Just say no."
"As the size of an explosion increases, the number of social situations it is incapable of resolving approaches zero."

It will be the new "it" toy of the holiday season as harried parents risk Christmas sales to get the Amy Crackhouse Doll for their kid. Coming soon to a store shelf or street corner near you!









Who Will Host American Idol?

American Idol will tank this year thanks to Paula Abdul's absence and Ellen DeGeneres' inability to capture the drunken likability that America's pop MILF wanna be. As Randy Jackson succinctly will put it, "The dogs know they have no chance with you, and let's face it – You can't dance. Too pitchy." The show will decline in ratings with the final blow coming in the summer when Fox announces that Simon Cowell indeed is leaving the show. To add insult to injury, Paula joins Simon on the American version of the new X Factor leaving Randy and Ryan stuck under contract.

Fox, desperate to bleed every dollar they can out of the cash cow marketing machine will hastily assemble a new team to take the show into the new decade. Unfortunately, anyone who still has cred in the business won't touch the Titanic of reality shows with a 100 foot iceberg, leading Fox to take anyone who can thinly cast an aura of credibility or at least justify a few controversial commercials to spike ratings.

Yes, the shark will be jumped in coming seasons as Fox runs through celebrity parings that in theory should make for good TV:



2010 Season

Introducing Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne!



Why in the fuck am I here?




2011 Season

Introducing Kid Rock and Tommy Lee!



*Rock and Lee get into a fight over Pamela*

Randy - Dawgs! It's called Google man; every kid in the western hemisphere is fapping to her.

Get OVER it.



2012 Season

Introducing Gene Simmons and Donald Trump!



Your FIRED.

No… You're FIRED.





2013 Season

Introducing Kanye West and a bucket of chicken!



Where's my chicken!

Sorry Kanye, Pepsi owns KFC.

D'oh!





2014 Season

Introducing Scott Hall and Xpac!



Hey-Yo

*Randy kicks the chair out from underneath him*









Well, that as fun. Next week we're going to say goodbye to 2009 with my annual massive feature on the Top Metal Albums of the year, then after that it will be one to bigger and better things for 2010.

Until then, play it loud and play it proud people and remember to have some fun along the way!