411's 52nd Annual Grammy Awards Report 01.31.10

Posted by Jeff Modzelewski on 01.31.2010

Check out the winners and losers in music's biggest night!

Welcome to 411 Mania's coverage of the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards! I'm your host for the evening. Unfortunately, our fearless leader Mitch wasn't able to cover this event. Now you may know me as the current host of Jam Central Station every Saturday, or you may remember me for any number of other roles I've served here at 411 Music. Anyone who's familiar with my writing and opinions knows that I really don't like any awards shows. Not only that, while I have a pretty extensive knowledge of music, I don't pay much attention to mainstream popular music. So, if you're here to learn what happened at the Grammy's, you're also gonna have to deal with my own personal point of view on the events of the evening. Anyways, let's get on with the show.

So, the first thing I want to mention is that I'm missing the second-to-last football game of the season. Yes, it's the Pro Bowl and no one cares about the Pro Bowl, but it's football. At the start of the show, the score is 14-3 with the AFC winning. You'll be getting updates on that game as well as the actual Grammy report. You're welcome. Opening performance is Lady Gaga, so at least we get this out of the way early. She's wearing some sort of pink superhero style mask on her face, which looks pretty ridiculous. My wife tells me this is "Poker Face." Kind of reminds me of the Moulin Rouge song from a few years ago. Ok, now she's been thrown into some sort of fireplace. Wonder if any Jewish folks will be offended. Here's the Sir Elton/Lady Gaga collaboration we've all been waiting for. Gaga and John both have "soot" on their face from the "fire" and are wearing matching rhinestone glasses. Bad version of "Your Song." Love the original, no heart here in this version. Elton's really fallen off, I have to say.

Steven Colbert is out. He'll be akward, but probably awesome. Jay Z doesn't like Colbert saying hi. Funny interplay with Colbert and his daughter. Good Adam Lambert joke too. Colbert calls out the fact that Susan Boyle isn't there. "Sure, Justin Timberlake brought the sexy back. Susan Boyle sent it away this year! Bye bye sexy. We're going with good singing this year."

Song of the year is first. Whips out the IPad to get the nominees for Song of the Year. I call Beyonce, my wife says her or Swift. Grammy goes to Beyonce for "Single Ladies." Beyonce doesn't even give the speech, so the other songwriters are up there. They start music to cut off speech after about 10 seconds. No long speeches this year.

Jennifer Lopez is out to introduce Green Day. Not a good fit. I doubt Lopez has even heard Green Day. The cast of "American Idiot" is out with them. I don't know the song, it's called "21 Guns." The Broadway cast starts out. Doesn't sound like a Green Day song at all. OK, here's the actual band. Billie Joe's still sporting the spikes, but just barely. The drummer seems pretty into the song, Armstrong seems to be walking through the performance.

Commercial time. They sell the upcoming MJ tribute, which is one of 2 performances I'm actually looking forward to. I've got my 3D glasses for that. Flip to the Pro Bowl, just missed a TD, NFC is up 17-14 now. There's an Alice in Wonderland exclusive preview at the commercial, I'm not turning back to the Grammy's till this is over. Grammy's have a Big Mac commercial. Woo-hoo.

Kristen Bell and Josh Duhamel promote the Bon Jovi vote and talk about country music. Best Country Album. I want Zac Brown to win, but both my wife and I call Taylor Swift. Shocking, we were right. I don't see Kanye in the audience, so maybe she'll get to do her whole speech. She's cute. Mentions she wrote every song on her album. Short but sweet speech. Simon Baker from "The Mentalist" is out next. Introduces Beyonce's performance. She starts out in the crowd, marching down the aisle with what appears to be a SWAT team behind her. She does a crotch grab, which isn't really sexy at all. Does every sort of head-shaking attitude move you can think of in about 30 seconds. My wife tells me that this is song is "If I Where A Boy." I don't get how the SWAT team fits into this song. Beyonce's singing to some dorky guy in the crowd. Obviously a plant. She can't just do one song, so she goes from that song to Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." She doesn't have Alanis's attitude, but she does have a good voice. I just don't see Beyonce blowing a guy in a theatre, so the personal experience isn't there. Ok, a switch back to "If I Was A Boy." Best performance of the night so far, but that's not saying much.

Commercial break, back to the Pro Bowl. Tied at 17 now. Horrible pass by McNabb returned for a touchdown, but it's called back on a 12 men on the field call. Back to the Grammy's, Seal's out. How's he married to Heidi Klum? I still don't get it. He's mentions Leonard Cohen's lifetime achievement award, and then introduces Pink. I doubt Pink will ever get a lifetime achievement award. Google tells me she's singing "Glitter In The Air." Not bad, actually. She's putting some emotion into her singing. Of course, then she takes off all her clothes and is almost completely naked. Not that I'm complaining. Now she's spinning from the ceiling. I guess it's too much to ask that these "artists" just sing. But I am pleasantly surprised at the song. I have to point out that, as she's hanging from the ceiling was dipped in a pool of water. Now as she's spinning it really just looks like she's sweat is flying off her body. It's kinda gross, but the rest of the performance was good.

Keith Urban and Miranda Lambert are out to talk about a couple other awards. Best New Arist award. I'm saying MGMT for fun, my wife says Zac Brown. She wins. I should've went with my gut. They shake hands with Dave Matthews on their way up the aisle. They thank the corporate suites and the music plays them off the stage. Seriously they're only giving them 15 seconds for speeches.

Back to commercials. Still tied at 17, with the AFC in NFC territory. AFC go for it on 4th and 8. Dumb coaching move, but, hey, it's the Pro Bowl. Grammy's are back, and here's Miley Cyrus. 294 days till she's 18, folks. I can waith. Here's the Black Eyed Peas with I Gotta Feelin'. Will.I.Am is wearing some freaky mask, and they're all in some space-age costumes. I think Fergie just got censored for something. Either that or CBS just can't successfully do a live broadcast without technical difficulties. It pisses me off that a band that did some songs I really liked early on (I wrote about how much I liked"Where Is The Love" years ago) is now doing crap like this. Again, they can't stick to one song, so they go into "I Got a Feeling." So far, the best performance by far has been Pink, and she's the only one other than Green Day that's stuck to one song. Lesson for the rest of the performers. Commercial breaks are coming fast and furious. Half time at the Pro Bowl, so it's a bathroom break for me.

The Jonas Brothers are out. Were they really nominated for Best New Artist last year? Seems like they've been around forever. Lady Antebellum out to do "Need You Now." Never heard of her. Typical country song. 3 singers, so it's kind of like the Dixie Chicks with 2 dudes and one girl. One of the lines is "And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now." Romantic.

Juanes (?) and Kaley Cucoco are out to do the nominations for Best Comedy Album. Spinal Tap is awesome! They're not comedy! I'm gonna go with "Weird Al" for this award. So does my wife. Stephen Colbert gets it for "Stephen Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All." I didn't actually think it was that good, and I'm a pretty big Colbert fan. Colbert doesn't really do anything funny for his speech, which is disappointing. Another commercial break, which is annoying. This is why the show is 3 and a half hours long.

Norah Jones is out with Ringo Starr. They mention Bobby Darin's lifetime achievement award. Record of the Year is up. I'm saying Beyonce, my wife says Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift. We're both wrong, and Kings of Leon win it "Use Somebody." I haven't been able to get into this band yet. One of the guys mentions they're drunk. They thank the fans, which is a nice change from the other winners. They offer to buy shots for anyone who they missed, and they're led off stage quickly. Robert Downey Jr. is out. He introduces the Jamie Foxx performance. Foxx looks like he's wearing one of Michael Jackson's old military uniforms. He's obviously lip-syncing most of this song. T-Pain is out to help out. Why, I don't know. And now Slash is out doing the guitar solo from "November Rain," except you can barely hear his guitar. Someone needs to be fired for that. So this mercifully comes to an end. I think it was "Blame It," but I couldn't understand a word anyone was saying.

Justin Bieber and Ke$ha are out again to pimp Bon Jovi. And we head back to commercial. And I'm back to the Pro Bowl. 24 all in the 3rd. Katy Perry and Alice Cooper are out after the break to talk about Florence Greenburg getting a Trustees award. Here's Best Rock Album. I'm saying they give this to DMB, Rachael says Green Day. She wins again, of course. "Big Whiskey" is nominated for Album of the Year, how does it not win this? Billie Joe thanks family and Butch Vig, and some folks I don't know. Chris O'donell introduces the Zac Brown Band with Leon Russell. They start with "America the Beautiful," cause they're country and they're patriotic, dammit. They go into "Dixie Lullaby," a real old-school country song, with Leon Russell doing most of the work. And now into their "hit," "Chicken Fried." It's interesting at least.

Commercial break again. AFC up by 7 now, and they're back on the field. 40 pass from Garrard to Ochocinco. I want to see Ochocinco score. He's always good for a laugh. Flea flicker fools no one, and Jackson takes a hit.

Grammy's back. Ryan Seacrest's hair is disgustingly perfect. He introduces Taylor Swift. I appreciate the fact that she's just up there rockin' the acoustic guitar and singing. Her band is dressed in black and completely in shadow. She's all in white and has a nice bright spot on her. Hmm, I wonder who's important on this stage. She does "Today is a Fairytale" and brings up Stevie Nicks for "Rhiannon." Nicks sounds good, Swift can't hit the notes. You need to have a whiskey voice for this song, and I appreciate that Swift is trying, but it doesn't work. This is really painfully bad, and I feel sorry for Swift. Ok, now Swift puts the guitar back on and goes into "You Belong With Me." That's a whole lot better. Her own songs were good, but her range is limited and it shouldn't include trying to imitate Stevie Nicks.

Lionel Ritchie is out to introduce the Michael Jackson tribute, and I've got my 3D glasses ready. It's "Earth Song" with Celine Dion, Jennifer Hudson, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, and Usher. Really not my favorite MJ song at all. The 3D is pretty bad and blurry. I know this was one of Jackson's favorite songs, so I get why they chose it, but I don't think it really represents his career. They do a good job with the song, although it's not really all that tough. I really think that Jackson deserves an even bigger tribute. This doesn't hold a candle to what MTV did for the VMA's this year. It is funny seeing celebrities with their paper 3D glasses on, though. They bring Jackson's kids up on stage, because, you know, Jackson always had his kids in the public eye. Prince is pretty composed, though he stumbled a bit. Paris just says "We love you daddy," and I feel pretty sorry for her. My hope is that we never see any of Jackson's kids on TV again, because he absolutely didn't want that.

Ok, commercial break, and I'm back to the Pro Bowl just in time to see Asante Samuel pick Vince Young. And they head to a commercial, so I'm stuck watching commercials...

Sheryl Crow brings us back at The Grammy's. She introduces Bon Jovi. Fans voted on what song they would perform. We get a couple of new songs that I don't know to start. I thought they were just doing what the fans voted on, but of course that would be too easy. The first one is "We Weren't Born To Follow." Very unoriginal song. After a verse of that we get "Who Says You Can't Go Home." Jennifer Nettle (?) is out to turn the song into a duet. I hope "Livin' On A Prayer" gets the vote for the 3rd song. Actually, I would prefer "Bad Medicine" or "Dead or Alive," but, out of the three, "Livin' On A Prayer" is by far the best. On a separate note, I would really like to pinpoint the moment that Bon Jovi went from bad ass to boring. Any help would be appreciated. Moment of truth is here, and it's "Livin' On A Prayer." We'll see if they do the whole song. Nope, one verse, the chorus and the close. Why not just do one song? It's a great song, the fans want to hear it. Again, that would be too easy.

Placido Domingo and Mos Def are out. I'm a Mos Def fan, so it's good to see him here. He's kind of in awe of Placido. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration is up. I have no idea who's gonna win this. I'll say T.I. and Justin Timberlake, my wife agrees. Def has trouble with the envelope. "Run This Town" by Jay-Z, Rhianna, and Kanye get the Grammy. Maybe Taylor Swift will interrupt Kanye. Actually, he's not there, so Rhianna and Z bring up some little kid, who I'm assuming is Z's kid, but I don't know for sure.

Pro Bowl is tied. Chris Johnson gets a nice run thanks to a great block by Vincent Jackson. Back to the Grammy's and out comes Wyclef Jean to teach us some Creole. Thanks Wyclef. He introduces Mary J. Blige and Andre Bocelli. They're doing "Bridge Over Troubled Waters." Bocelli starts out in Italian before going to English. Blige does the second verse and does a really good job on it. Blige and Bocelli duet the third verse. Buy the song on ITunes later, and the money goes to Haiti, so it's a good cause. And it was a good performance, so I might spend a buck on it.

Back to the Pro Bowl in time to see Romo eat some turf. I like that. AFC is up by 7 with 3 minutes left. This game may be heading into OT, with the NFC driving. Romo gets picked, so never mind on that.

Back to the Grammy's. Neil Portnow , president of the Recording Academy, comes out. He shills for Haiti and promotes the Grammy museum, the Latin Grammy's, and a few other things. Mentions that Neil Young was honored as Music Cares Person of the Year. Would be nice to see Young perform, but it's not happening. A couple more honors for behind the scenes folks that most people have never heard of. He goes on to talk about the need for music education in schools and then goes on to bitch about illegal downloading. I won't rant about it here, but I'm sure Melchor or someone else will later. Let me just say that I buy albums that don't suck.

Portnow introduces Adam Sandler, who's sporting jeans, a sports coat, and a t-shirt. Good one Sandler. Here's the performance I've been waiting for. Sandler mentions LeRoi Moore's death, a year to late for the Grammy's. For those who don't know, they didn't include Moore in the "In Memoriam" section last year. They're doing "You And Me," which makes no sense. Why not play the song that was written in honor of Moore, especially since it was a single off of the album? Instead of a high-energy rocker, we get the mediocre ballad. Oh well. They've got a string section and a choir backing them up. It's a pretty straightforward performance of one of weaker songs. Instead of letting the actual band members solo on the song, they have backup people soloing. At least we get some crazy Dave dancing. I appreciate that. We do get a shot of Rashawn emptying his spit valve on his trumpet, so that was nice.

Ricky Martin and Lea Michelle from "Glee" are out. Best Female Vocal Performance. Taylor Swift gets it IMO, Rachael says Beyonce. "Halo" gets it. My wife just tells me I really suck at this game, and I think she's right. Beyonce is lookin' really good tonight, that's for sure. Commercial break, and the Pro Bowl's over, sadly. AFC won, so now I'm stuck with commercials.

LL Cool J is out to knock us out. His mama said so. J introduces Maxwell, who's apparently performing with some other people. Maxwell does "Pretty Wings" and apparently likes smoke machines. It is good to see someone who actually has some soul. He brings out Roberta Flack for "Where Is The Love." She doesn't even have her mic close to her face, so I'm thinking she's lip-synching. I don't know about Maxwell, but it's pretty obvious with her.

We get the In Memoriam part now. I'm not gonna be able to keep up, obviously. Find it on YouTube if you really want to see this part. They close with Les Paul, and then bring out Jeff Bridges. Bridges talks about how great Les Paul was, and he's right on the money. Jeff Beck is out to pay tribute with "How High Is The Moon." Great way to pay respect to a legend. And we go back to commercial.

Quentin Tarantino introduces Clark Terry's Lifetime Achievement Award. He's wearing some polka dot thing and looks pretty dumb. Tarantino introduces Drake (who?) Eminem and Lil' Wayne (with Travis Barker on drums) to perform some song that's getting censored all over the place. Seriously Grammy's, figure out a better way to deal with vulgarity. It's after 11:00, if a bad word slips, it's OK. Eminem is on, absolutely tearing up the stage. Drake is pretty good, energetic. Barker is a beast on the drums, which is impressive since it's not easy to drum to live hip-hop. The song was really good except for the fact that there were 5 second gaps every 30 seconds or so because of the censors. Of course, time for a commercial break again. Hopefully this is the last one…

We missed some introduction on the way into the last segment, so the presenters are already on stage. I'm saying DMB gets this, my wife has no idea. Santana and John Legend are the presenters. Santana gives the award to Taylor Swift, and a little part of me just died. She babbles on for a while. She seems sincere and I appreciate that, but I just can't root for her after she was so painful in her duet with Stevie Nicks. Swift closes and the show shuts down.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the recap. If not, oh well, write your own review. I have to say that this is probably the first time I've ever watched an entire awards show from start to finish, and I don't plan on doing it again any time soon. Anyways, it's late and I'm off to bed. See you Saturday for Jam Central Station!