Quick ‘n’ Dirty Music News: 03.12.10

Posted by Mitch Michaels on 03.12.2010

It’s the PRISON EDITION, as Lil Wayne, DMX and D’Angelo are all facing hard time, while T.I. is about to adjust back to life on the outside, plus the 100% accurate Jessica Simpson friend test, GaGa’s sexuality, Chris Brown’s kinda pathetic, Ke$ha’s placenta and more! Not to mention the St. Patrick’s Day playlist, Mariah vs. Mariah in Battle of the Babes, chart news and CoCo is your Piece of the Week!!!

What's up everybody? Welcome back for another exciting week of the Friday tradition – the column of columns – the Quick ‘n' Dirty News. I'm Mitch Michaels, the guy that runs this shit.

Daylight savings time is ending this week. Or beginning. Who the fuck knows. I just know we lose an hour of sleep Saturday night, and that pisses me off. However, I am excited about springing forward into this Q2 new release season – new Tom Petty, Drive-By Truckers, MGMT, STP, Jakob Dylan. Bring that shit on!

But I digress. Let's get to the music news – after we get these mafakin links out of the way, of course!

A great week over at 411 Music Fact or Fiction – a Battle of the Aarons as Mr. Titan went head to head with Mr. Mayagoitia. One guy doesn't like the Foo Fighters and neither likes T.I. - we need to have a more strenuous hiring process around here.

My favorite annual feature, the 411 Music Hall of Fame, wrapped up yesterday with my induction of AC/DC. We inducted ten people total this year, and you're really missing out if you're not keeping up with probably the best No B.S. Hall of Fame out there.

Be on the lookout for my review of the new Jimi Hendrix album that came out this week. I'm subbing for Melchor, who would've done a great job had he not had a family emergency, I'm sure. On the plus side, I got hooked up with the record on a new format called V-Album and, without giving anything away, it's pretty much the bomb.

And, as always, make sure to follow us on Twitter (Mitch, 411mania, 411 Music) or Facebook (Mitch, 411mania). How else will you know what I'm tweeting about?

Now, let's get to it. It's quick, it's dirty, it's news.

Let's go…




STAND BY…FOR NEWS!

All news items are from 411 Music's newswire:

I hear the train a-comin'
It's rollin' ‘round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine
Since I don't know when…

Man, talk about a nutso week for prison news. If you read the last edition, it should come as no surprise (then again, maybe it is surprising) that Lil Wayne began his year-long sentence for weapons charges at Rikers Island in New York this week.

After all of those delays, Weezy finally reported to a Manhattan courthouse on Monday for his sentencing. He was handcuffed and taken away directly after the hearing, giving his public one last bow before he left. What an ass.


As speculated, Wayne wasn't put into the general population, as a judge granted his lawyer's request for protective custody. That just means Wayne will get to spend his time at Rikers in the North Infirmary Command with Plaxico Burress, some guys crippled in prison fights and other special need prisoners instead of enjoying Big Bob's delicious cockmeat sandwich. And speaking of his mouth, don't worry – they'll still be taking care of Wayne's teeth while he's locked up. Good Lord, if grills are that much maintenance, why doesn't Wayne just get dentures? Throw the motherfucker some Poligrip and let him fend for himself.

Some industrious journalist got a hold of the North Infirmary's cafeteria schedule and posted what Wayne would be having for dinner on his first night in - noodles with beef sausage & marinara sauce, steamed greens, a mixed green salad, whole wheat bread, sliced peaches & a fruit drink or tea. This caused the usual knee jerk "he's eating better than me!" reaction, but what people don't realize is the dude's not getting shit in the way of dressing for that mixed green salad.

But seriously, you could take any menu and make it look decadent. I'm sure a school cafeteria lunch schedule could look appetizing – till that shit's ladled out onto your tray.

And noodles with sausage and marinara sauce sounds like something you'd make from the bottom of an Olive Garden dumpster.

No matter what he's eating or where he's sleeping, the fact is that Lil Wayne has spent this whole week locked up in America's largest penal colony and a place that is pretty seedy when it comes to scandals. That means for the next several months, dude's gotta worry about warden baton sodomy, shower rapes and general violence among inmates which is (allegedly) encouraged by the Rikers guards. In other words, it's gonna make that eight hour root canal look like a cake walk.

Of course, Wayne may not be going it alone. D'Angelo got busted in Manhattan over the weekend for allegedly offering an undercover cop forty bucks for a blowjob. You laugh, but this was the cop:


D'Angelo was immediately pulled out of his Range Rover and cuffed. Police found $12,000 stashed in there. That's worth 300 blowjobs – or, as we married guys call it – exactly ten times more than we can ever hope to get for the remainder of our lives.

D'Angelo's lawyer says he plans on pleading not guilty and hopes people will let the case unfold before jumping to any conclusions. Which is good advice – I mean, this was all a big misunderstanding. D'Angelo had no idea she was a cop!

Poor D'Angelo. This guy was the shit in late 90's R&B, but he got too into the lifestyle and has only been famous for getting arrested this millennium. Drug charges, traffic charges and now this. Amazingly, dude has never spent any time in jail. I think this one might be the exception.

Another person that might be headed to jail (though not Rikers) is DMX, who was picked up in Arizon for parole violation. Apparently, DMX just LOVES cocaine. X's lawyer is saying the rapper has a bad habit and is even calling out to the show "Celebrity Rehab" to help him kick it.

I've always wondered about these drug abuse reality shows – if people are shown using drugs ON TV, when aren't they ever arrested?

For his own part, DMX decided to go off at his initial court hearing, screaming that his rights were being violated, I guess because there was a camera in the court room.

You guys know my thoughts on DMX – why this guy isn't permanently locked up is beyond me. I think The Smoking Gun actually had to purchase a second server just to hold all of the DMX criminal information.

Of course, with DMX going down in Arizona, maybe he'll be thrown in jail with Weezy when Wayne goes down for those weapon and marijuana charges from 2008.

With all of these guys getting arrested, it's good to see at least someone coming out the other side of it. T.I. is still serving his sentence (though he's now in a halfway house instead of jail), but Tip released a new track this week called "I'm Back". I like T.I., but this song is just kinda there for me. There are a few good lines ("Won't be satisfied until somebody dies and I'm patient/Me and the reaper are on a first name basis"), but the hook just isn't big enough to compare to some of T.I.'s better stuff. Also, there's nothing that really reveals anything about Tip's time in the pen. Still, it's good enough for what it is – to tell the world that T.I. is back.

It's funny – I never would have thought that T.I. being locked up would hurt his career, especially with all of the publicity going on about the dude going to prison in the first place. But, if you look at T.I.'s stock since he was locked up last May, things have certainly dropped. "Remember Me" – the single with Mary J. Blige – didn't go anywhere and "Hell Of A Life" did worse. The planned reissue of Paper Trail with extra tracks was dropped. I guess people really do underestimate how important the hustle is.

Of course, with T.I. out of the halfway house in a couple weeks, we should see things start going full force again. I hope "I'm Back" is just a little appetizer before the big meal.

---

The other big story this week is Jessica Simpson, who has reignited interest in the whole John Mayer/sexual napalm thing thanks to a bunch of interviews to promote her new show, "The Price Of Beauty".

It's a pretty one sided fight, considering John Mayer has wisely decided to keep his mouth shut for once. For her part, Jessica says she feels kind of betrayed that John would reveal intimate details about the two. This all culminated with an interview on Letterman and, damn…DAMN. This is hot. Even Dave was getting a rise out of this one. Check it out (sorry about the ad, and skip forward to about 2:00 to get past the Tony Romo gushing):


With this interview, I don't know – is this Jessica Simpson all an act? I mean, in a way, this couldn't be more rehearsed – Jessica's coy act just doesn't come off as 100% genuine at first. But the whole "he gave away my game" – that's as real as it gets. Because Jessica DOES want to be the good girl and the sex pot. It's the reason she doesn't need record sales to keep our interest. We want to see which side she's gonna lean towards.

Just don't get fat again Jessica. I know there are precious few brain cells up there, but store this information in every one of them – America doesn't want you fat.

Then again, maybe that's all part of the act. Maybe the weight problem and the trouble with men just make her more endearing. I don't know – I just know those old jeans needed to be burned.

Of course, there's another man who is NOT an ex in Jessica's life, and that's Billy Corgan. The pair continue to insist they're "just friends" to the media, and I kind of still stick to my theory that, somehow even a world famous (albeit ghoulish) rock star like Billy Corgan can get stuck in the friend zone.

Billy's done his own press this week (a big interview with Rolling Stone), where he commented on the whole Jessica/Mayer thing. Billy said that John was purposely trying to fuck up his career, but also said, with the Jessica/napalm statement, that there are "some things you should just keep your mouth shut on". Strong words? Just friends?

Here's my litmus test Billy, and let's be honest about this – just between two men: If you've jerked off thinking about her, you're not just friends.

---

Some quick hits and I'm out.

I'm not going to bother re-posting the censored pic (that damn white circle covers more than a nun's habit!), but Ice-T's girlfriend CoCo tweeted this pic or her naked in front of a tanning booth the other day. THIS is what Twitter should be used for – getting whimsical pictures of yourself naked out to your fans absolutely free and as quick as possible. I don't know about that ass though – it's almost photoshop big. Like those pugs with the weird eyes you see on birthday cards now.

Lady GaGa has kind of blown up the whole bisexual thing, saying she could fall in love with a woman, but sexually, she wants a man. That's not bi, GaGa. That just means you can have close friends.

Chris Brown used some audio message service this week to make a call out to his fans to "Save him". Brown says radio ain't playing him and they need to call in and make requests. Talk about fucking desperate. The funny thing is that more people are likely to have listened to this pathetic request than to his latest single. (By the way, the new single is called "Pass Out" – have you heard it?)

Here's the hottest pic of Kim Kardashian I've ever seen for no reason.


EMI has lost their lawsuit against Pink Floyd, which means you'll no longer be able to buy individual Pink Floyd tracks via download sites. The band says selling their albums track-by-track (instead of all at once) ruins the artistic vision. Floyd is now seeking legal action against you for skipping "On The Run" the other day because the only reason you popped in your Dark Side Of The Moon CD was because you kind of wanted to listen to "Time".

Mary J. Blige is covering TWO Led Zeppelin songs for the reissue of her latest album. Somewhere Robert Plant said, "I could almost take the Alter Bridge thing, but this is getting fucking ridiculous."

Dave Grohl says the Foo Fighters are going to be working with Butch Vig on their next album. Vig was behind the boards for Nirvana's epic Nevermind album. Somewhere, people are already prepping their reviews to say that the new Foo Fighters album sounds too slick.

And finally, Ke$ha says she wears a placenta around her neck to help her spiritually. Unfortunately, it's about 23 years too late for a placenta around Ke$ha's neck to do the rest of us any good.

---

Well, the Oscars were last Sunday, which means that the season of Mariah Carey parading around in lowcut dresses has ended. Thankfully, the last red carpet gave us one last glimpse. And who does she face off against? Why, it's Mariah Carey – one day earlier at the Independent Spirit Awards!




We all win on this one, even Mariah, but if I had to choose, I'd pick Independent Spirit Awards Mariah, just cause I like the short dress. The big question is – does Mariah have any other Academy Award caliber movies lined up so we can get another parade like this in 2011?

What do you think?

St. Patrick's Day
I like to theme my music listening by holidays. Who doesn't? This week, we celebrate some of the best Ireland-loving, pint-drinking, soccer-hooligan, green-wearing songs of all time. Blarney.

Mitch's St. Patrick's Day Playlist
1	"What's Left Of The Flag"	Flogging Molly
2	"Ireland"	Garth Brooks
3	"When The Ship Comes In"	The Clancy Brothers & Robbie O'Connell
4	"Have I Told You Lately"	The Chieftans with Van Morrison
5	"Danny Boy"	Johnny Cash
6	"Galway Girl"	Steve Earle
7	"Boys From The Country Hell"	The Pogues
8	"The Wild Rover"	Dropkick Murphys
9	"Drunken Lullabies"	Flogging Molly
10	"Green Hell"	Misfits

QUICK ‘n' DIRTY CHART NEWS

NEW RELEASES FOR MARCH 16, 2010

WHAT EVERYONE WILL BUY

The White Stripes - Under Great White Northern Lights - Wow, what a great week for rock! I think the Stripes will score the most sales next week, just because they have a ton of love from critics and it's really been a while since we've heard from Jack & Meg. Even though this is a concert recording from a couple years back, it's definitely worth a listen. Just an hour of blistering rock – you have to love it. Lots of extras out there, too, if you wanna drop the cash. If you do pick this up, make sure to get the version with the documentary too.

WHAT WILL BE NUMBER ONE

It's kind of rare for me to miss on my #1 prediction, but it happened this week. Lady Antebellum took out Sade to reclaim the #1 spot, thanks to a giant sales surge. In fact, Lady Antebellum won this week by over 50,000 units – they were the only record this week to move over 100k. Sade took the #2 spot, while Blake Shelton was the highest debut at #3, moving just a tad over the projected 60-70k at 71. As expected, Danny Gokey, Almost Alice and Raheem DaVaughn also cruised to the Top 10 this week, though Jason Derulo fell short at #11. Meanwhile, I totally forgot about Lifehouse, who debuted this week at #6. I also never would have called Easton Corbin, who ranked at #10 this week.

Next week, it looks like Gorillaz could be the golden boys – "Stylo" is a big YouTube hit and both of the band's other albums have been big sellers. Sometimes history is all you need. Jimi Hendrix's new one got a big PR push, so look for that one to land in the Top 10 too. Also look for Gary Allan, Ludacris and the Love Never Dies soundtrack to get some love.

Hey, speaking of Love Never Dies - I made this joke a few years ago – something about Hollywood bastardizing the script. I don't know, maybe it was funny then.



WHAT YOU SHOULD BUY

Drive-By Truckers - The Big To-Do: The band is already streaming this album on their website and, damn, do I love it. Shonna Tucker's two songs are amazing this go round (especially "You Got Another") and stuff like "The Wig He Made Her Wear" (about the real life case of the woman who shot her pastor husband and pretty much got away with murder) and "After The Scene Dies" are only going to add to the DBT legend. I'm going to be picking up the vinyl version, just so I can get the bonus track "Girls Who Smoke" – which sounded (in concert anyway) like a long lost Tom Petty track.

WHAT'S HOT ON THE DIAL?

Billboard has about a million charts, so each week I'm gonna round up the #1s from each format. That way, no matter WHAT station you flip to when not using your presets, you'll be aware of what you might hear. Newly crowned #1s are in bold:

BILLBOARD #1 SINGLES
CHART	SINGLE	WEEKS
POP/OVERALL
HOT 100	Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris – "Break Your Heart"	2
RADIO SONGS	Young Money feat. Lloyd - "BedRock"	15
POP SONGS	Ke$ha – "TiK ToK"	21
HEATSEEKERS SONGS	Godsmack – "Cryin' Like A Bitch"	1
DIGITAL
DIGITAL SONGS	Taio Cruz feat. Ludacris – "Break Your Heart"	2
R&B/HIP-HOP
R&B/HIP-HOP SONGS	Robin Thicke – "Sex Therapy"	20
RAP SONGS	Young Money feat. Lloyd - "BedRock"	17
COUNTRY
HOT COUNTRY SONGS	Billy Currington – "That's How Country Boys Roll"	26
ROCK
ROCK SONGS	Alice In Chains – "Your Decision"	14
ALTERNATIVE SONGS	Muse – "Resistance"	12
ADULT CONTEMPORARY
ADULT CONTEMPORARY	Michael Buble – "Haven't Met You Yet"	27
ADULT POP SONGS	Train – "Hey, Soul Sister"	29
CHRISTIAN
CHRISTIAN SONGS	Kutless – "What Faith Can Do"	25
GOSPEL SONGS	Earnest Pugh – "Rain On Us"	35
DANCE
DANCE/CLUB PLAY SONGS	Kelis – "Acapella"	10
JAZZ
JAZZ SONGS	Najee – "Sweet Summer Nights"	31
LATIN
LATIN SONGS	Banda Los Recoditos - "Ando Bien Pedo"	9
REGIONAL MEXICAN SONGS	Banda Los Recoditos - "Ando Bien Pedo"	12
LATIN POP SONGS	Camila - "Mientes"	15
TROPICAL SONGS	Aventura – "Dile Al Amor"	28
INTERNATIONAL
EUROPEAN HOT 100	Stromae – "Alors On Danse"	5
JAPAN HOT 100	Arashi – "Troublemaker"	N/A
UNITED KINGDOM SONGS	Tinie Tempah – "Pass Out"	N/A
GERMANY SONGS	Stromae – "Alors On Danse"	N/A
FRANCE SONGS	Stromae – "Alors On Danse"	5
CANADIAN HOT 100	Nikki Yanofsky – "I Believe"	6
WEB
iLIKE LIBRARIES	Rihanna – "Rude Boy"	3
iLIKE PROFILES	Lady Antebellum – "Need You Now"	21
LALA.COM	The Black Eyed Peas – "I Gotta Feeling"	35
AOL RADIO	Lady Antebellum – "Need You Now"	6
YAHOO AUDIO	Iyaz – "Replay"	16

	Mitch's Picks
	Blues Traveler – "Hook"
	The Bloodhound Gang – "Fire Water Burn"
	Insane Clown Posse – "In Yo Face"

That time again already? This shit always flies by kids. We'll close this week with quite possibly the most controversial piece of the week ever. Yes, more controversial than Amber Rose, I think. See, we talked a little bit above about Ice-T's girlfriend CoCo. Now this chick – well, she's all tits and ass. I mean like, literally, that's 80-90% of her body. It's borderline ridiculous. But I can't look away. And thanks to her naked Tweet, I can't stop thinking about her now – would I or wouldn't I? Well, hell yeah I would, but is that much T&A lethal? I'll let you guys decide with a visual aid – so here's CoCo, our Piece of the Week!

THE END

That's all for this week. Make sure to comment on what you liked, didn't like, etc. Till next week, keep your ears to the ground.