The Music 5 & 1. 03.31.10. The Celebrity Sex Edition

Posted by Adam Hill on 03.31.2010

Christina Aguilera gets hot and steamy in the bath, Lady GaGa thinks therefore she orgasms, buy your own inflatable Beyoncé, sex tapes a-go-go, a battle featuring Cameron Diaz Vs Jessica Biel, 5 things you didn't know about Katy Perry and Kelly Brook is your &1 Model of the Week.




WELCOME!
It's Wednesday once again so it must be time for music news and gossip. If you've never read this column before, this is where we take a look at five of the juiciest music stories of the last week, dissect them and, usually, take the piss a bit. To top it all off we then celebrate the passing of another 7 days with pictures of a hot chick in the form of our &1 Model of the Week.

If you're wondering what genius could possibly have come up with such a concept than look no further than the Hollywood 5&1 by Steve Gustafson, the CSI to my CSI Miami.


First things first, last week. Yeah, I didn't exactly bring my A-Game to last week's column, I didn't even rip the piss out of Ke$ha that much. But fear not, this week will be much more of everything you have come to know and love about the 5&1 and a whole lot of smut.


Quick couple of stories that made me smile this week.

Ricky Martin has come out as gay. Good for him for having the courage to do so, though I don't really understand why he thought we didn't all know already.



Vanilla Ice is playing Glastonbury this year.

…
…

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Ahem, sorry about that.
It's ok though, turns out that he's actually only playing one of the bars at the festival. Apparently Charles and Eddie are already booked for the Pyramid Stage.


Right, let's rock this motherfucker.


THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE
Time to take a look back at a couple of the comments left on last week's column. All comments are as originally posted, so don't go blaming me if your grammar has all gone to shit.


Not so many comments last week, but this one from mr celophane man more than made up for the low number.

Seriously, Marilyn Manson. The only feminine thing about that dude is his name. He reminds me of a vampire riddled with plague. He is a vomit inducing fuckweed.
Please don't assault my retina with his foul image any more!

Seriously, that's my favourite comment so far. It was worth putting that picture up just to get that comment.


Next up we have Guest#8676 who knows more about vodka than I do.

i don't care what anybody says, she may have gotten it later on but Taylor Swift should thank Kanye West twice a year for 3 years


lol i hope Diddy knows that Crystal Palace is also the name of a cheap ass vodka


I for one did not know that Crystal Palace was also the name of a ‘cheap ass' vodka (I checked online, $8.99 for a liter, that is cheap) but some here in the UK would argue that Crystal Palace is also the name of a cheap ass football club.

Nice link here to a story this week as well. Apparently Georgi Vodka is none too happy that Diddy recently said "If you're not drinking Ciroc Vodka, then you're drinking pee pee."

So unhappy were Georgi Vodka, that they sent him a toilet bowl full of vodka.

Err, so, you're annoyed that your vodka has been indirectly likened to piss, so you send it to someone in a toilet bowl. A toilet bowl, that thing you piss in. I don't know which bright spark came up with that one but for fucks sake, think about it will you.


Finally, CL1 made sure Madonna won VS and says what we've all been thinking about Scarlett Johansson.

Id take Madonna. She had a WAY better rack.

Also, too bad ScarJo is useless and looking like a bored ass housewife now that she became one, just like Jessica Alba.

Yeah, Madonna used to be fine, shame she's got so mannish now that she has to show us her cooch in every video just to prove she's still a woman.

And that's a good and fair point, just where the hell is Scarlett Johansson these days anyway?






Check out these great reads, amongst the many, many others, elsewhere in 411Music.

The 411Music staff give us their Top 5 Drummers.
Aaron has this week's 3 Rs
Julian lives a Life on Shuffle.
Mitch's news is both Quick and Dirty
Chris tells us who comes where in Love, Listen, Loathe
Andrew goes Ten Deep with his top ten opening tracks.


WHO SAID WHAT?

"I just wanted to clear up the stories about whether I am wearing my wedding ring in my own words... There have been many occasions where I have not worn my wedding ring, many of those when I was pictured with Ashley. I find it crazy that people would think I use this as some sort of message. Believe it or not Ashley is fully aware of any situation going on in our personal lives. He does not need to see a picture of me moving the hair out of my face to explain anything. Please drop it."

Ok then, if you insist Cheryl TweedyCole, we'll drop it but only because you asked so nicely. But hey, allow us one last indulgence yeah? Here you go guys.




Don't worry, I have a feeling she'll be back soon enough



VS
I wasn't aware of this before but Justin Timberlake has been reunited with his ex, Cameron Diaz as both are starring in the upcoming film, Bad Teacher. Hmm, only a little bit of scandal here you'd think but apparently Timberlake's current squeeze Jessica Biel is none too pleased about it. Especially as one scene allegedly calls for Justin to kiss and then ‘dry hump' Cameron.

Justin's move into film may have seen his music output slow to a trickle but you can't fault the guy's taste in women. But is he better off now than he was before? Only you can decide.






Cameron Diaz VS Jessica Biel


VOTE BELOW



CELEBRITY TWITTER A-GO-GO
Being UK based I had no idea who Adrianne Curry was until I saw this tweet.

Chris is gonna take me to Star wars In Concert for our anniversary! havent got tickets yet...fuck am i excited!!!

Couple of minutes online and I soon found out that she is totally my kind of girl (if a little on the skinny side). Now, if only she'd record an album or something so I had a proper excuse to include her in this column. Oh well, being a hot geek is reason enough for me.





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5 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT KATY PERRY
Katy Perry proved she was a good sport this week when she took a sliming to the face at the Kids Choice Awards.



Judging by her Twitter she knew it was coming though.

"@rustyrockets werd on the street is they r trying 2 slime me2night @the kids choice awards! Good thing I've had a lot of practice right?"

While we all think again about how lucky Russell Brand is and prepare our comment section's jokes about ‘sliming on her face', here are five things you didn't know about Katy Perry.

1) Her debut album was released under her real name, Katy Hudson, and was a Christian music album.
2) She is the middle of three children and both her parents were Pastors.
3) Before One Of The Boys Perry recorded an album for Island Records which was never released.
4) She has been nominated for 69 various awards worldwide and won 13 of them.
5) She is signed up to lend her vocal talents to the upcoming Smurfs movie, playing Smurfette, of course.

You learn something new every day.






VIDEO A-GO-GO!
I don't know if they crossed over to the States at all but thanks to the fucking atrocious "You're Gorgeous", Babybird were huge in the UK for about a year or so in the mid-90's. Having made largely dark and intelligent music, "You're Gorgeous" blew up in the sort of way that "You're Beautiful" did for James Blunt, meaning that nothing Babybird did would ever have a hope of matching it. However, after years of flying so far under the radar they must have been using the kind of stealth technology that the US Military would kill for, Babybird have returned. Not only that but they have picked up a celebrity fan along the way. In fact, so big a fan is one Johnny Depp that not only does he play guitar on their new record but he has also directed the video for the track, "Unlovable". Check it out, what do you think of Mr. Depp's music video directorial debut?






Groovy, now onto the 5.







Christina Aguilera returns and she's milf-ing it up big time
Having been away for a while and now a mother of a two-year old Christina Aguilera obviously wants to make sure we all think of her as being one sexy momma rather than just a momma.

With her latest album "Bionic" due out in June the publicity machine has been dusted off and cranked into gear.



It was an interview with OK magazine that grabbed the headlines, especially when she told us that she loves "water-eroticas – waterproof books full of erotic stories, if you will. You can literally get the book wet, read it in the bath."

I guess this must only be for the nights when they can't get a sitter though as she went on to say that "We make sure we have mommy and daddy nights out. Our child comes first, obviously, but there are certain things you can do. Once we know he's in good hands, we go out late at night and have a few drinks. Then we'll come home, dim the lights and do our thing!"

"When it comes to things like our cozy naked Sundays I think it's important for Jordan and I not to lose ourselves. Of course, having a child requires a lot of time and attention, but we think it's really important to still have mommy and daddy time."

Ho-lee shit. I don't really know under what circumstances that kind of revelation is necessary and I have absolutely no idea how it's going to help her album sales but that's quite an image she's put in our minds. I can think of only one reason for reading erotica in the bath and sure as hell ain't for the intellectual content.

As for those nights out, apparently one last week was to visit the Puppetry of the Penis show. If you don't know what in the blue hell that is, I'm told it's where a couple of dudes twist their dicks into shapes. I can do that too. I can make it into a snake, worm and a sausage (wiener, naturally). Anyway, if she likes sitting around in a darkened room watching someone play with their dick for a couple of hours, I guess we know what she means by "Then we'll come home, dim the lights and do our thing." I never had her down as a voyeur though.






I need a bath, got anything to read?



Beyoncé sex doll made – no Halo required
If you've always wanted Beyoncé but are not an international rap superstar then now you can settle for second best. No, I'm not talking about Michelle Williams. Some un-named but apparently entirely inappropriate company has produced an inflatable and anatomically correct doll to resemble the R&B Goddess.



Called a ‘Bey Love Doll' you can see from the box above that not only have they used her likeness but also made some fucking awful puns out of her song titles.

This shit is wrong on so many levels but at the same time it's pretty funny, if you think of it as a joke. If this is legit and not some stupid spoof then I wouldn't be surprised to see this company get hauled into court and have its ass handed to it. Then again, who knows, Beyoncé and Jay-Z might actually think it's funny. Somehow I doubt it though.

All this comes after a crazy week where loads of random sites were reporting that Beyoncé was pregnant, even though not one mainstream media outlet picked up the story because it clearly wasn't true. No word if this was because Jay-Z has invested in a Bey Love Doll though. 99 problems and a puncture repair kit is one.






No doll is ever going to look this good



GaGa's got her Poker face on, she must be thinking herself up an orgasm
Given that she said a couple of weeks back that she needs a man it should be no surprise to anyone that Lady GaGa has got a way to cope with being without one.

Speaking to New York magazine she claimed that she could give herself an orgasm using nothing more than the power of her mind and sense memory techniques she learnt at drama school.

"I don't know if this is too much for your magazine, but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm. You know, sense memory is quite powerful."

Is this more GaGa courting controversy by saying outlandish things or do you reckon this is legit? In all the drama classes I took at school it was always ‘imagine you're a tree' not ‘concentrate, feel, experience, well done here's a tissue'. Is anyone out there able to shed some light on this sense memory stuff for us? And if so, you got any tips? I could use something to help me get through any boring meetings I have to go to.

This wasn't the end of the interview though. She went on to reveal that her nickname had been "Big Boobs McGee" as "At that time, my breasts were much bigger, and firm, and delicious. I was 15 to 20 pounds heavier than I am now."

Well that goes a long way to explain why all the comments on this site about GaGa have moved from ‘damn, she's hot' when she debuted to ‘ugh, that GaGa is one ugly ho' now. Get those curves back woman, eat a sammich!





What do you reckon, before or after?





Sex Tape City
News of two new sex tapes hit this week. Well, I say new, one features Jimi Hendrix so it's not like it was filmed last week or something.

Definitely not cashing in on the release of a new Hendrix album (perish the thought) a DVD, Jimi Hendrix: The Story of the Lost Sex Tape is due out in May.

Now, this is going to sound like a stupid comment and I would just like to clarify, I know it was filmed donkey's years ago ok, that's not what I mean. Apparently the 11 minutes of footage that features Hendrix himself is old. Yes, I know, remember what I just said? By that I mean it has been released before.

Now, I've not see the footage myself but I'm told the best bit is when he sets his dick on fire and keeps on fucking regardless.


The other tape that is due out in April will feature country singer Mindy McCready. In this tape, Baseball Mistress, in addition to all the action, McCready also dishes the dirt on former lovers, baseball star Roger Clemens (good in bed) and actor Dean Cain (bigger cock than Clemens. I think she means his actual member, not his personality) as well as details of encounters with other celebrities.

Sounds more like a shoot interview than a sex tape to me. Hey ho, she hasn't had a single out since 2002, I guess she had to do something.






Let me tell you about the time I met Oprah



U2 may be raking it in but don't trust Bono with your money
One quick non-sex related story to end with this week. Financial website 24/7 Wall Street has named Bono the "worst investor in America".

As much as I loved early, and some later, U2, I am one of the many who think that Bono is a huge, self-righteous, self-absorbed prick. I know he's done a lot of great work for charity etc over the years but so have loads of other people and you don't see them bleating on about giving the Pope a pair of sunglasses all the fucking time.

Anyway, the site claimed that Bono has made a number of large investments in several financially unsuccessful corporations. One such investment was in Elevation Partners (which came first the song or the private equity firm that invests in entertainment and consumer-related products?) which the site said is "arguably the worst run institutional fund of any size in the United States"

I could do with breaking out Larry's old ‘Lolcano' right about now.





There she blows




Now it's time for the reason you're here, the ‘&1 Model of the Week'.







I realized that by focusing entirely on the music angle I was missing out on a whole bunch of hot women you guys would appreciate. So fuck it, Kelly Brook announced this week that she was sick and tired of having her pictures air-brushed and re-touched saying that they became unrealistic and she just wanted to be herself. There's going to be a whole bunch of jokes I, and you, could make about ‘touching up' Kelly Brook but that would just delay the good stuff, so enjoy her in all her glory as your &1 Model of the Week.















One for the Road can be anything at all, as long as it is music related (no matter how tenuous). Feel free to send in any suggestions for a topic or specific item you'd like to see here in the future.


So far, 'One for the Road' has always been a video but this week, well, let's just say, this is awesome.





I'm not saying that I'd want a tattoo like it but y'know, it is freaking great.



And with that, I'm outta here, see you in seven.