The Music 5 & 1 09.01.10: The Tour Goes On Edition

Posted by Adam Hill on 09.01.2010

Katy Perry and Shakira face off in Vs, Simon Cowell meddles, Mariah Carey says more than she meant to, Rihanna takes control, Axl Rose takes a nap and Gaga annoys! Plus, 5 Things about the Ting Tings and Jewel is your & 1 Model of the Week!

BEFORE WE BEGIN…
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages, I'm your host Adam Hill and this is the place to be for all your music news, gossip and scandal needs. I'd usually make a joke here but I'm kind of sad this week as there is no Bieber in the column. Who the hell am I going to mock relentlessly now? Selfish prick.

You know you love the concept of the 5 & 1, I know you know you love the concept of the 5 &1, you know I know you know you love the concept of 5 & 1 – this could go on a while. Anyway, as much as I would love to take the credit for it, all kudos is due to Steve Gustafson for creating this thing of great beauty, from within his brain! The original Hollywood 5 & 1 can be found in the Movie Zone.

The joy of 5 & 1 has spread over 411 like faster than a STD at a frat party. Go check out The Wrestling 5 & 1 by 411'a Higher Power Larry Csonka and The Gaming 5 & 1 by the mighty Chris Lansdell, both are excellent, trust me, I'm an internet columnist.


Let's get on with the show.







WHO SAID WHAT?
"My ultimate goal, besides making music for ever and touring the world over and over and becoming the greatest pop performance art show on the planet? I want a Lady Gaga exhibit at the Louvre... [Being Lady Gaga] there's mystery, there's art."

I'm not the only one thinking ‘Oh fuck off you pretentious cow' right now am I? Seriously, I do like most of her music, she makes good fun pop, but can she please just shut the hell up with all this bull-fucking-shit pretentious waffle all the fucking time? Gaga, you are a pop star, so sing your songs and dance your dances but please, stop trying so fucking hard to be hip, it just makes you look like a total fucking assclown.





And while we are on the subject of Gaga, I'd like to take a moment to respond to Guest#6762 who posted the following comment on my piece about her comments on drug use.

"There really is nothing wrong with MDMA once in a while. It opens you up and gets you in touch with your emotions. Cigarettes or coke I wouldn't fuck with. Of all people you're going to come down on drugs? There is a difference between hard and soft, ya know. It's not like she's Cobain, shooting up smack. The only people that die from ecstasy don't OD but instead are idiots who don't keep hydrated and pas sout [sic] because they weren't being smart about it. I've done it ten times and I'm still alive and very much healthy."

Ok, key points I need to make here are:

1) I wasn't ragging on her about her drug use, it's her life she can take whatever the hell she wants. However, she is a role model to millions of kids. She has about one bagillion followers on twitter and even more fans on facebook. She has more people supporting her and hanging off her every word than some countries have people. Saying "A little MDMA once in a while never killed anybody…" is irresponsible and flat out wrong. This brings me on to:

2) You say that " The only people that die from ecstasy don't OD but instead are idiots who don't keep hydrated and pas sout [sic] because they weren't being smart about it." Now, I agree that ecstasy is not perhaps as dangerous as some people (mainstream media) would have you believe but how can you guarantee that what you are taking is actually MDMA? As with most illegal drugs there is always a question of purity and ecstasy in particular is one that is prone to having any number of other substances, from caffeine to para-Methoxyamphetamine (PMA), mixed into the tablets. Hell, you could be taking something that actually contains no MDMA at all. For all you know, the reason you have " done it ten times and [are] still alive and very much healthy." is because you've been taking paracetamol each time.

Look, I'm all in favor of people being able to live their lives as they see fit and I am not going to criticize anyone for taking drugs if that's what they want to do but please, don't try and convince me it's entirely safe when you don't even know what it is you're putting in your system.


Let's lighten the mood with some hot chicks.



VS
It's official, the fabled Hall of Bang is coming to the Music 5 & 1. Last week I asked you if you wanted it and sorry, Guest#3695 but your cry of "NO!!! Please leave it as it is" was a lone voice amongst the crowd. Construction has begun but the question is now ‘who will be the first entrant into the Hall?'

This week's battle will get us closer to finding out as both combatants have 2 wins under their belt. Last week Shakira defeated Milla Jovovich 26 – 19 and Katy Perry crushed Christina Hendricks 30 – 28. That's right ‘crushed'. What you can see over there is the first hurdle and laying in a heap next to it, holding her knee going ‘Oooo – argh' time after time after time, is Christina Hendricks. Sorry Toddo but your assertion the other week that she "would school all these music bitches" was misplaced and The Great Christina Hendricks Knockout Challenge is over after just one week. MUSIC ZONE REPREZENT!

Ahem, excuse me.

So, who will win this week and move to within one victory of being the inaugural entrant into the Hall of Bang? Only you can decide. It's Shakira Vs Katy Perry. FIGHT


Shakira Vs Katy Perry







VOTE BELOW



Don't forget, you can always suggest future participants in Vs either via the comments section or by e-mail at [e-mail].



CELEBRITY TWITTER A-GO-GO
"So now that i [sic] finally took over my Twitter page no more corny label tweets......lol! whaaasssuupppp ppl!!!!!"

Rihanna is taking control, one step at a time. First it's her Twitter account, next it will be Facebook and hopefully, one day, she'll be able to send her own e-mails. Living the dream.

This momentous first step was marked with the following tweet.

"New hair....new curling iron BURN......damn 5head always in the way."



Neil Armstrong's "One small step for man…" suddenly seems quite insignificant doesn't it?

Fair play to Rihanna, ‘5head' is pretty funny and it is good that she can laugh at herself like that, makes me feel less guilty for doing it myself. And before you all start, yeah, I would and so would you. No missionary though, I don't want to see my sex face reflected back at me on her ‘5head'.



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5 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE TING TINGS
Before we get to the Ting Tings I need to correct something from last week's five things about Eminem. Guest#2577 pointed out that "The Slim Shady LP never hit #1" which, quite frankly I did know. But, while researching the facts I saw a couple of reports that suggested it did, so I changed up the stat. What I suggest is that we replace that fact with this one, helpfully provide by CL1 which, even if not true, is at least funny.

"Another fact about Eminen. When he made fun of Michael Jackson in one of his songs, Michael thought it was so funny he bought the rights to Eminems music."

Onto the Ting Tings then. Did you know that they've got a new record coming out in a couple of months? If you did then you might want to learn some other facts about the band, if you didn't then, bugger, I just wasted a fact.

1) "Ting Ting" was the name of a Chinese colleague of vocalist Katie White at a shop, who told her that it sounded like the pronunciation of "bandstand" in Mandarin. The name endeared them to Asian music fans, and the group has experienced much success in Japan, where their name can mean "small, cute penis" – I'm so renaming my junk ‘Ting Ting' now.

2) In 1995, White's grandfather Ken White won £6.6 million ($7 million) on the National Lottery and gave each of his three sons £1 million. Katie's father David used his share of the money to start a music management company, which would later sign Katie's first band TKO.

3) Their forthcoming album reportedly contains collaborations with Jay-Z and Rihanna.

4) They provided a cover of Altered Images' "Happy Birthday" for the children's show "Yo Gabba Gabba" CD.

5) If they ever do a ‘re-boot' of the Cat in the Hat film, they are nailed on to play Ting 1 and Ting 2.





Oh c'mon, that was comedy gold people.






VIDEO A-GO-GO!
No doubt you've all seen the Bed Intruder Song song on YouTube by now but if you haven't, this is what it's all about.

An actual news report…



…was autotuned and turned into an insanely catchy little number.



Now there are cover versions springing up all over the place, from a school band…



…to some guy who's arranged it for the Tsugaru Shamisen style…



…to rock stars.



Yep, that was Hayley Williams of Paramore, Jordan Pundik from New Found Glory, and Ethan Luck from Relient K getting their freak on. Still not a patch on the original though.



It's time to crank this mother up to 11 as we take a look at 5 news stories from the last week and one, smoking, hottie.







Everything is going to be OK.
There's no Bubbling Under this week as my lead story is just far too big to ignore. Take a deep breath people, this is huge.

Backstreet Boy, AJ McLean, has announced that he will continue to tour despite having Pink Eye.

I know, I know. Words cannot describe how relieved I am, and no doubt you are, to hear that.

The good news continues, the rest of the band-members have not been exposed to the infection and McLean is expected to soon recover. There is no word yet on whether or not the proposed tour with New Kids On The Block is jeopardy in or not so all we can do is pray to our respective Gods or Flying Spaghetti Monsters that everything is ok.

Hey, slow news week, fuck all I can do about that.



Simon Cowell - man of mystery
What's the difference between God and Simon Cowell?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's Simon Cowell.

Yep, it's an old joke but it seemed appropriate as a story came out this week that Simon is trying to put a stop to Cheryl Cole's blossoming relationship with Derek Hough. According to The Mirror, Cowell took the professional dancer out for dinner around a month ago in order to explain why he believes the pair should keep their distance.

A source claimed that "Derek said Simon was friendly enough, but just very firmly told him exactly what he thought. During the dinner Simon told Derek, 'It's nothing personal, I just don't think Cheryl should be spending so much time with you so soon after her marriage breakup.'"

"Derek told me Cheryl respects Simon more than anyone else and she knows it is down to him that she is where she is today," continued the snitch. "She thinks he is wise and emotionally intelligent, which is why Derek is so scared that Simon's opinion could hurt them in the long run."

"Simon told Derek he didn't want to be mean to him, but he just wanted to make sure he did everything in his power to safeguard her happiness and career. Instead of being happy for them, he told Derek he thinks right now Cheryl should be single. He noted that she would never have got malaria if she hadn't gone off to Tanzania with Derek.

"Simon thinks she needs a more stable routine. He also pointed out to Derek that Cheryl is reluctant to give up the name Cole - in his opinion this speaks volumes about where she is emotionally."

Simon's spokesman denied that he was trying to split them up of course. "Simon is very happy with anybody that will make Cheryl happy. Simon only cares about her health. He said.

"He wouldn't dream of telling anyone what to do in their private relationships. He just wants her to be happy and healthy, and that's all that matters.

"There is absolutely no way Simon would be advising her and him about her private life. He was worried about her health and is very relieved she seems to be well again."

What about autotune then? He may not be the kind of guy to meddle in someone else's affairs of the heart but after last week's scandal, is he the kind of guy to meddle with your singing voice in the name of ratings?

"I'm very angry it [Auto-Tune] was used in the way it was on Saturday night. It was totally wrong and we can't allow it to happen again. I'm mortified by what's happened. The most important thing now is to ensure viewers can trust what they see on the show."

Of course he's not, how could you think otherwise? So, no love life meddling, no vocal enhancements, how about violence? Is Simon Cowell the kind of man who would incite violence? Maybe, a student who got into a fight with her singing partner at an X-Factor audition thinks so.

A spokesman for the X-Factor said producers broke up a "heated" dispute between students Abbey Johnston and Lisa Parker during auditions at Birmingham's LG Arena in June. Lisa said that she blamed head judge Simon's nasty comments for causing tempers to flare. Evidently Simon described her performance of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" and Shayne Ward's "That's My Goal" as the worst audition in history. She then got into a fight with Abbey. Said Lisa of the incident, "If Simon hadn't been so nasty, this probably wouldn't have happened.". Yeah, ok.

It would appear though that violence follows Simon around as apparently his villa has been trashed by X-Factor contestants. The group he is due to mentor for the series arrived at his property in Marbella on Sunday and immediately wreaked havoc. They are said to have destroyed a $6,000 Persian rug and damaged antiques. Simon has already set the punishment though, "any damage will have to be paid out of their first royalty cheque if they make it - to teach them a lesson." he told The Mirror.

What a guy.





The first rule of pregnancy is you don't talk about pregnancy
Rumors persist that Mariah Carey is pregnant and both her and husband Nick Cannon have felt the need to come out and speak about it. Evidently though they are not quite up to speed on the ‘how to not say anything when saying nothing' thing.

Mariah went first, through her publicist Cindi Berger, and pretty much told us that, yes, she is pregnant.

"I appreciate everyone's well wishes. But I am very superstitious. When the time is right, everyone will know–even Cindi Berger."

Nick was next up and to be fair, he did even worse.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again. When my wife feels like talking about whatever she wants to talk about, you will hear it directly from her... There's a certain time limit you're supposed to wait before you can actually officially say that you are and all that stuff. You don't want to mislead anybody."

Doh!

I can totally understand why they don't want to say anything. The chance of miscarriage reduces greatly after the first 12 weeks so people generally don't tell people until they've got passed that milestone. That said, surely a simple ‘no comment' or refusal to give interviews for a while would have been a better approach. Hey ho, they obviously didn't marry each other for their brains.




I cannot confirm or deny that I am pregnant, but I will after 12 weeks



Axl Rose, he just does what he likes
Ok, by now you will have all read loads about Guns N' Roses turning up late for their show at the Reading Festival, having their set cut short as a result, blah blah blah. The real story here though is that after the set, frontman Axl Rose reportedly partied at a gay club in London and had a diary based snack as well. The singer was spotted at a gay night at Bungalow 8, where he was later seen chomping on cheese on toast at 5am. At least that's what the NME reckon. Cheese on toast, wowzers, at 5am too, that's immense, rock and roll bitches, rock and roll. I wonder what type of cheese he had. I reckon it was Red Leicester.

Anyway, the whole story has gone on and on, yes they turned up late, yes the set was cut short, yes the promoter had made it clear that they couldn't play late (hell, I knew that much about two weeks in advance just from Twitter so Axl and the band must have been aware) and yes, Axl thinks it's someone else's fault. The NME is also reporting that he has sacked his entire tour crew after the debacle. According to them, he was reportedly sleeping when he was due onstage at both the Reading and Leeds festivals, and his entourage was under strict orders not to disturb him.

Personally, I think that both the promoter and Axl are at fault here. The promoter has a strict curfew so he books a band that's ability to turn up late is beyond legendary and Axl must've known the deal for timings, yet obviously thought, ‘fuck it, they can wait for me'. The promoter should have listened to Marina of Marina and the Diamonds who earlier in the week has astutely noted "nobody should trust a guy with braids."

That's just my opinion though and I wasn't there. If you'd like to know the thoughts of someone who was, check out Daniel Wilcox's excellent write-up of events or watch the following video of drunk middle-class twats, again courtesy of NME.



And if, for some reason you can't view the video, you can always head over to www.nme.com to see it and footage of the rather odd GN'R sit-in protest.



Pound those skins!
I love lists, you love lists, lists are great. Hooray then for UK drum magazine Rhythm who have produced a new one. They got their readers to vote on the greatest drummer of the last 25 years and Slipknot's Joey Jordison came out on top.

100,000 people voted with Jordison taking about two-fifths of the total. The top 20 were:

20 Steve White (Style Council, Paul Weller, Players)
19 Stephen Morris (Joy Division/New Order)
18 Jeff Porcaro (Toto, Michael Jackson)
17 Cozy Powell (Black Sabbath, Rainbow, Whitesnake)
16 Josh Freese (A Perfect Circle, Devo, Guns N' Roses, The Offspring, Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus and Rickie Lee Jones.)
15 Terry Bozzio (Frank Zappa, Solo)
14 Stewart Copeland (The Police)
13 Thomas Lang (Robbie Williams, Victoria Beckham, Ronan Keating, Glenn Hughes)
12 Steve Gadd (Eric Clapton, Paul Simon, Paul McCartney)
11 Brann Dailor (Mastodon, Today Is The Day)
10 Chad Smith (RHCP)
9 Phil Collins (Genesis, solo)
8 Vinnie Colaiuta (Frank Zappa/Sting)
7 Nicko McBrain (Iron Maiden)
6 Travis Barker (Blink-182, Transplants)
5 Dave Grohl (Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Them Crooked Vultures)
4 Neil Peart (Rush)
3 Gavin Harrison (Porcupine Tree)
2 Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater)
1 Joey Jordison (Slipknot)


Do you agree with the choices? Let me know in the comments section.






Now it's time for the reason you're here, the ‘&1 Model of the Week'.







This week's &1 Model of the Week is a real diamond in the rough, it's Jewel. See what I did there? Oh never mind, here are the pictures.













Don't forget to comment on what you liked and didn't like and if you have any suggestions for future features or have heard a juicy story on the music grapevine. You can even e-mail me at [e-mail].

And with that, I'm outta here, see you in seven.