The Music 5 & 1 01.09.12: One Time Edition
Posted by Adam Hill on 01.09.2012
Beyoncé gives birth, Katy Perry speaks out about her divorce, Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole fight over Sarah Harding's assault, Amber Rose calls out Kim Kardashian, Avril Lavigne takes on Nayer in Vs and Lady Gaga is accused of loving the occult and! Plus, Laura Dore is Your "& 1" Model of the Week and more!
That's right homies, for one week only Daddy has come home.
I have to say, since I left for a sabbatical following the birth of my second child last summer, Jeremy has done a fan-flipping-tastic job with the 5&1, much better than I ever did. So don't worry, this isn't me coming back full-time, I'm just covering for Mr Thomas as he has been out of town this weekend attending to family matters.
Not a lot has happened while I've been away but it was good to see the inaugural member of the Music 5&1 Hall of Bang showing off her good side this week.
Grainy shots or not, that is one fine looking sun lounger.
Moving on, the keen eyed amongst you may have noticed that I have been about a little bit, appearing in the odd Top 5 and Buy or Sell column, and tomorrow I'll be bringing you Part 2 of the staff's thoughts on 2011 in the year end Roundtable. After that, I'm not sure when I'll be back again. So, those of you who missed me best strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride. For those of you who wish I would just fuck off again, sorry, Jeremy will be back again next week.
Since I left, a whopping four more lovely ladies have entered the Hall of Bang. Crikey.
This week, Avril Lavigne attempts to make it halfway there with a second win after dispatching Selena Gomez in a hard fought battle, 80 – 65. She goes up against the only good thing to have been associated with Pitbull in 2011, the rather delectable, Nayer. Can she overcome the Skater-Girl and start her own march towards the Hall? Click the button and make your choice, FIGHT!
Avril Lavigne Vs Nayer
BREAK FOR TWITTER
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IN REVIEW
Here at 411, our trained music monkeys spend countless hours listening to some really good music (and some utter dirge) and then write all about them. The review section is a great place to find new music as we cover all sorts of genres and styles, from mainstream artists to lesser known acts. Here's an overview of our latest reviews.
Oh wait, there are no new reviews coz no bastard released any albums last week.
MUSIC VIDEO A-GO-GO
Before we get to the gossip and bad jokes, let's indulge in some quality music. Yesterday was the 65th birthday of one of my all-time heroes, David Bowie. To celebrate, here he is, performing what is widely regarded to be his greatest track, "Life On Mars".
CRAZY GALLAGHER QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Hey, this wasn't here last time I wrote the column, wtf? Still, looks like fun, let's see what those lunatics have been up to this week.
"Well...I don't think it's blind loyalty. I don't think people like music just because they like who you are. I mean, I love Paul McCartney, but I'm not having the Frog Chorus.
Noel, on why people come to see him in concert these days and how it's not just because he used to be in Oasis.
BUBBLING UNDER These are the stories that didn't quite make the cut when I put the column together but still looked ripe for ridicule, I mean intelligent critical analysis. Activate the bad-joke-a-tron!
Adele Has Finally Found A New Boyfriend!
In unrelated news, her next album will be called 69.
Sinead O'Connor Gets Back With Husband After Wild Sex Session
It was with him, thankfully. That'd be a bit awkward otherwise.
Christina Aguilera Better Get Her Wallet Out
Indiana Senator, Vaneta Becker (R), has proposed a law that would punish anybody, by way of $25 fine, who changes or messes up the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner. No word on if this would include singers who insist on stretching out each individual note for three hours each.
Justin Bieber Has The Face Of Christ Tattooed On His Leg
In related news, Christ has the face of Justin Bieber printed on his toilet roll, so he can wipe his ass on it.
It's time to crank this mother up to 11 as we take a look at some random stuff from the last week and one, smoking, hottie.
*****
I Don't Think You're Ready, For This Diaper!
Here's a happy story to start the week off with. Congratulations are in order for Beyoncé and Jay-Z after their surrogate Bey gave birth to their daughter over the weekend. I'm just fooling; I don't really buy into the whole ‘she wasn't really pregnant' deal. Of course, the skeptics amongst us could point to the reports that she paid out $1.3m to have the entire fourth floor of the Lennox Hill hospital booked out for her, and that she supposedly asked that security cameras be covered up and hospital staff turn in their mobile phones. We could ignore the fact that childbirth is an incredibly personal and private thing and that if you had the money to ensure as much privacy as possible, you would probably do so. Yes, we could ignore that and instead claim that it was so no-one would see the surrogate, so no-one would be able to prove that Beyoncé didn't have the child herself. Those disbelievers amongst us would probably claim that she probably just had her appendix out to create a scar not too dissimilar to that of a cesarean.
But why would we not believe she had the baby herself? Why on earth would you make something like that up? Are we that unsympathetic as people these days that celebrities would feel they couldn't tell us if their wombs were as dry and arid as the desert? Or have Madonna and Angelina so played out the adoption thing that it's not cool anymore and only a natural born child will do? You know what, if a celebrity really wanted to do something brilliant around having a kid, they should get one carved out of wood and carry it around like it was real. Fuck it, go the whole hog, call it Pinocchio and tie little pieces of string to its arms and legs. I bet Kanye is already doing this. That's what he has set up his DONDA thing for, to artificially create life and insert into a little wooden boy. No wait, that's already been done, the kid was called Justin Bieber, my bad. You know, I heard that Selena Gomez got splinters when she tried to suck him off; when he came it was sawdust.
Please note, for legal purposes, I am obliged to point out that none of this really happened. Beyoncé very definitely did give birth and Justin Bieber never got a blow job from Selena Gomez.
Anyway, while conspiracy theorists were already looking at why Hova's 100th problem is actually not really his/hers/a real child or is a lizard person (delete as appropriate), Twitter was already all of a flurry about the news, specifically about the child's name. Initial reports stated that the kid had been called Ivy Blue which, you'll possibly agree, is actually quite nice. The name trended as people rushed to offer their congratulations to or pass judgment on these people they have never met, in 140 characters or less. News outlets running with the story first thing referred to ‘Ivy Blue' and everyone happily went about their business. Even those people who believe in the existence of the Illuminati were happy as they were able to make their usual, ridiculous and convoluted connections. " I.V.Y. ~ Illuminati's Very Youngest. B.L.U.E. ~ Born Living Under Evil.Ivy Blue backwards [Eulb Yvi] ~ "Lucifer's Daughter" in Latin" apparently. Everything was right with the world; until a new player entered the game that is.
The arrival of Gwyneth Paltrow on the scene caused the twitterverse to scratch its collective head and say, ‘wait, what?' You see, it was Gwyneth who confirmed to the world that actually, mini-jigga was in fact called Blue Ivy. Yep, Blue, the color, a name most commonly associated with a type of movie or 70% of all Great Dane dogs, was actually the kids first name. Kinda odd wouldn't you say? Naturally Twitter had the answer as to why the baby has been given such an unusual name, "There's a meaning in Ivy Blue. IVy = a roman numeral for 4 which is Beyoncé's favorite number and BLUE for Jay-Z's Blueprint albums. Wow." Wow indeed Twitter, wow indeed. Though it must be said that the most insightful piece of analysis on Twitter was not quite some complimentary. "Every hoodrat that has a baby from here on out will name them Ivy or Blue." Jessica Simpson must be kicking herself that Beyoncé got to Blue first, hers will probably end up being called Tartan.
Hopefully she'll get her Dad's thighs…
I Wrote So Many Songs About You, I Forgot Your Name.
Hey, you guys hear about Katy Perry and Russell Brand? Yeah, turns out they are getting divorced. They've done really well to keep it under wraps so I'm not surprised you've not heard about it yet; there's hardly been any media coverage of it at all.
Shit, there goes Jeremy's Sarcasmatron, I promised I'd look after it for him as well.
So yeah, the big news in the gossip pages since Christmas has been the divorce of the pencil thin British comedian and the American singer who carries two basketballs with her at all times. I was going to say that the cause of their split depends on who you read but in all honesty, US Weekly appear to have cornered the market with new ‘sources' coming forward practically every day. Katy herself has taken steps to distance herself from the various rumors and counter-rumors, taking to Twitter for the first time since the story broke to state; "I am so grateful for all the love and support I've had from people around the world. You guys have made my heart happy again.
Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, "close sources" or my family".
So basically, nothing that has been said so far is the truth. Or it is all the truth. Or maybe some of it. Or maybe there is something else yet to be revealed that is so outlandish it will blow our tiny minds? Speaking of which, do you guys remember, about nine months ago, I said I thought that Katy Perry was pregnant? Hahahahahaha, how wrong was I? I mean, if she was pregnant back then, she would have had the baby recently. What could she possibly have done with it if she had?
Surely not?
Of course not.
So, onto those crazy stories we already know aren't true (or are they?).
Katy was boring in bed:US Weekly reported that, according to a source, "Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her" but the sexual attraction didn't last and that Katy had a hard time keeping up with Brand's sexual appetite. This has been given extra credence by reports that Russell apparently missed the single life whilst he was with Katy. Well, in an interview he gave just before Christmas, he said, "I'd do a gig and four or five women would come back. There were times when it wasn't all desperate and ugly. There were times when I was this representation of pure libertarianism and sexuality. It's so hard not to cherish them and crave them.
"I know where they ended up. I know where they went, but I became this thing. Women meeting across me. One would leave, another would come. There'd be crossovers. And they had no problem with each other. And it was blissful.
"If I leave food alone, I start to think food is the answer. If I leave sex alone I think sex is the answer. Or love." Which some people have taken to mean Katy was a wet fish and he craved the hedonistic lifestyle of his past. Newsflash, he's a recovering sex, drugs and alcohol addict, he will always crave that, it doesn't mean he will act upon it.
Their lifestyles were too different: He went to bed early, she would party all night. Their friends were sayin', they ain't gonna last. Cuz he moved slowly, and baby she was fast. He liked it quiet, And she loved to shout. But when they got together, it just all worked out.
Until 14 months later when the whole thing fell apart.
He would mock her parents religious beliefs: According to a ‘friend' of Katy, "Russ was forever making lewd jokes at the dinner table and poking fun at her parents' beliefs.
"He managed to restrain himself in the beginning — just. But as the marriage progressed, he got worse and kept winding up her family."
He didn't support her career:US Weekly (again) cited sources who said ""She had so many things going on this year and there were so many times he wasn't there.
"He told her she wasn't funny [when she hosted SNL] and he was totally uninterested [when he sat front row at her last concert]. He seemed annoyed he was there. I don't think he sat through one whole song." Wait, wouldn't it have been worse if he sat all the way through it? For him I mean.
Of course, it may simply be that they weren't really suited and it just didn't work out for them. Or aliens came down, abducted Katy and replaced her with some kind of evil robot Katy that has been programmed to destroy the world, and Russell is the only person who knows the truth and only he can stop her before it's too late! Or something.
What we do know is that Rihanna is supporting Katy through this difficult time (and hopefully into a little bi-curious action as well), her parents have been taking advantage of the situation to draw more people into their church, and that Katy herself is apparently writing a bunch of songs based on the break-up. I'm not sure how the tracks will compare to her critique of ex, Travis McCoy and his alleged drug abuse, but I'm sure singing about how she's ‘not going to hang around and watch you watch TV' will be a sure-fire hit.
Lily and Cheryl, Tweeting In A Tree, F.I.G.H.T.I.N.G
Yeah, I know it doesn't scan.
This week, Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud and her now ex-boyfriend, Theo De Vries were both charged with assault. This followed an incident in Austria where the two got into a fight and they each allege that the other attacked them. Now, I'm not going to get into this one and would recommend people leave it well alone until we know exactly what happened, or people are cleared/convicted.
Clearly, judging from the pictures, both parties got some shots in and Sarah was clearly distraught when talking to UK newspaper The Sun this week.
Basically, she claims that he grabbed her by the throat, dragged her around the room by her hair, bit her ear and smacked her head against the floor. He claims that actually, she attacked him first while drunk, biting him on the inner thigh and hitting him in the face with a glass ashtray, causing a black eye and bruising, and that any injuries she sustained were while he was restraining her.
Hmm, sounds a bit like the old ‘I'm not racist, I have an ethnic friend' defense that people trot out when they get busted for being racist. But I said I'm not going to get into this so let's leave it alone.
Instead, let's focus on a stupid non-event on Twitter that all began after the NME reported that Harding had been charged with assault, and Lily Cooper (nee Allen) responded, reigniting an age old feud in the process.
Referring to a previous incident from a few years back when Cheryl Cole (nee Tweedy) was charged after an altercation with a cloakroom attendant, Lily stated, factually"Wow 40% of Girls Aloud will have been charged with assault".
Cue shit storm as demented devoted Cheryl fans started to attack Lily via Twitter including, "I hope @CherylCole beats you up you skank!! you jealous cow! and "Jealousy is an illness...get well soon bitch". The latter prompting this cracking response from Lily, "No its not, its an emotion"
Meanwhile, Cheryl herself got involved by cryptically announcing she was unfollowing Lily with this "I've been on here 4 months but still feel a little new to this.. What does this button do...???" and this re-tweet, "Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day", before finally celebrating her fans' attacks on Lily, "BTW my soldiers you do not f about do you....LMFAO #salutebittccchheessss...MWAH!!"
You stay classy
Gaga Gets Her Cleopatra Fantasy Wrong
According to reports this week, Lady Gaga has been accused of performing a Satanic ritual in a London Hotel, last summer.
Way to break the story in a timely fashion.
A worker at the Intecontinental Hotel in London, said that "Lady Gaga left large amounts of blood in the suite during a stay this summer," and that they believed that Gaga was "bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual". Or she could have been trying to bath in milk but got confused and ordered blood instead, easily done.
Of course, if it was a Satanic ritual, it would be more likely that she was offering up a human sacrifice rather than bathing in the blood.
In unrelated news, no one has seen Madonna for months now.
Homewrecking With The Kardashians
Amber Rose has been talking to Star Magazine this week about the reasons she and Kanye are not together anymore. No really. Yep, even now in 2012, she still gets asked about that stuff, and this time, she had someone to blame, Kim Kardashian.
"Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together. She's a homewrecker! They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, 'Kim, just stop. Don't be that person". I thought at least she'd be woman enough to respond to me. She never responded."
It's all good though, and she doesn't hold a grudge, despite the fact that she mentioned Kim, because she went on to say "I want to thank her. Because if she was never a homewrecker, then I never would have met Wiz [Khalifa], and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now."
So why after all this time has she decided to make a quick buck in the press, ahem, I mean share her story with the world? She said on Twitter that it was because she "had to be honest and get this off my chest. I don't lie, I don't embellish I'm not trying to hurt anyone just setting the record straight."
In response to all of this, Kim posted on Twitter "Remember, people only rain on your parade because they're jealous of your sun & tired of their shade."
Kim, you just split up with your husband after just a couple of hours and you're being widely slated for getting married simply to cash in. I'd say your parade has been well and truly pissed on already.
New Music Monday
This is the home of some of the best new music that will soon be available, where you get to hear the hottest new tracks and find out about forthcoming albums and videos as well. Rock On!
Florence and the Machine's latest album, Ceremonials made it on to a lot of peoples end of year lists and her next single, "No Light, No Light" is out next week. Check out the video.
Red Wanting Blue release their new album, From The Vanishing Point, tomorrow and you can stream the whole thing right here.
While she may not have had much commercial success, Nicola Roberts proved herself to be the most talented and interesting member of Girls Aloud with her album, Cinderella's Eyes. Her latest single, "Yo Yo", is out today.
Now it's time for the reason you're here, the ‘&1 Model of the Week'.
When I left, you guys were showing much love for all the hip-hop models I was showcasing, so here's another! Laura Dore has been in a Kanye West video as well as featured in countless publications and now here she is, as your &1 Model of the Week.
NOW THAT I'M DONE…
You can go and read some more greatness on 411.
Hey, look what happened while I was off, the 5&1 army grew ever stronger. Stewart Lange is doing a great job over in the MMA zone with the MMA 5&1, so much so, I almost want to go watch some fights, just so I know what he's talking about! Over in the Games zone, Sean Garmer has upgraded the Gaming 5&1 to next gen levels.
Don't forget to head over and say hello to the instigator of all this 5&1 madness, Steve Gustafson, over at his Hollywood 5&1 (vote Kelly!) and then pop over to Greg DeMarco's, Wrestling 5&1, you can ignore all the TNA stuff if you want, everyone else does (except Wes Kirk).
When you are done checking out how the other zones roll, go read all the goodness in the rest of the Music Zone.
Make sure to click the Facebook and Twitter "Like" links, as well as the new +1 option, and support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news.
Don't forget to comment on what you liked and didn't like. Jeremy will be back with more next week, I'll be in tomorrow with more of the staff's thoughts on 2011, after that, dunno but I'm sure I'll pop up somewhere.
