Music 3R’s 01.28.12: Have Some Cake And Eat It Too

Posted by Nick Krenn on 01.28.2012

From Miley Cyrus's cake controversy and Katherine McPhee having her armpit licked to Lana Del Rey’s teenage behavior, Steve Tyler shunning a hopeful contestant and more, 411's Nick Krenn breaks down the Right, the wRong and the Ridiculous from the week in music!


Hello, I'm Nick Krenn, and I'm bringing you the newest edition of the most impolite 411mania column, Music 3R's, where I examine the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous in music, not to be confused with the excellent Love/Hate News Report written by John Downey. The guy's been consistently producing this column for one year now, so show him some love! Also, be sure to read Chris Bell's column, 411 Music Ten Deep, where he counts down the ten best songs about girls. There's no Nirvana in the list. Both Chris and John write for Earbuddy.net, a music site that I run outside of 411mania. Be sure to check it out.

When I'm not disparaging the careers of mainstream musicians in this column, I'm writing 411mania's least appreciated column, Major Bands, Minor Labels. I've changed the format up from what I was doing. If you want to download some free tunes, I think you'll appreciate the changes.

Let's look at some R's!




Rock Stars Being Rock Stars & Rappers Being Rappers

In a world where Gene Simmons is a douche on national television, and Jay-Z refuses to say "bitch" anymore, it's nice to hear stories where rockers are being rockers and rappers are being rappers. I mean, is Jay-Z going to even do "99 Problems" anymore, or is he going to abbreviate and say, "I got 99 problems and a ‘B' ain't one". Sorry that was off track.

Steven Tyler led a poor American Idol contestant astray. The contestant in question was Jennifer Diley, the booty girl that appeared on this season of the show. Diley claims that Tyler approved of her attire and told her that she "already won the damn thing". However, Tyler did nothing to help when her performance was torn to shreds in the judging process.




Diley performed two songs (yep, she was one of those), "With You" by Jessica Simpson and "Hero" by Mariah Carey, but she claims that she was forced to sing them by the producers who wanted her to be "flirty". You know what? I believe her on that. But I bet they already had assessed as a terrible singer, so they were just trying to get some TV from it.

Steven Tyler's manager, Eric Sherman responded to the singing hopeful's comments with the following: "You are telling me some provocatively dressed woman is claiming Steven Tyler flirted with her? I am shocked. Next thing you will tell me is Harvey Levin isn't 6' 2"." 




While Tyler was just being a rocker, 50 Cent recently partook in some rapper mentality by betting $500,000 on the Giants to beat the 49ers, leading to a very nice payday for Fiddy. If 50 would have lost, he had agreed to drop his trousers and post a picture of his penis.

Fiddy tweeted his excitement after the win:

GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE oh I'm not gonna tell you how much I just won. LORD I'm GOD'S favorite lol

just watched a 500,000 dollar foot ball game get on my level.Chump
The grammar was not changed for this column so bear with it. Here's the other tweet about 50's junk.

Ok RT @MyBestAssets: @50cent Lets bet. If the Giants lose the Superbowl, u must post ur d*ck on the twitter. If they win, I'll post my boobs & face on here. Bet?

And just like a woman, the girl did not post a pic of her boobs and face after the game.

I have to commend Tyler and Fiddy for making it clear that not all musicians have had their balls removed. I was getting worried.



Death Sales


This guy knows...

You can say a lot of bad things about death. It's sad, you don't get to live anymore, you'll never find out what happens at the end of Fringe. However, there are some good things about death; at least for musicians. Etta James' album sales have risen tremendously since her death. The Best of Etta James - 20th Century Master: The Millennium Collection jumped from #162 to #46 on the Billboard with 8,000 copies sold. I'd have to say that old people were probably ones buying the music because the kids would just illegally download it. You factor in the illegal downloads and Etta James is the hottest dead person around right now.

Her highest chart ranking was in 1961 with At Last!; however, it peaked at #68. So James is more famous dead than alive. James isn't the first singer to thrive from a death boost. Previous musicians include Michael Jackson, Notorious B.I.G., and Tupac Shakur. Etta James' corpse could not be reached for comment on her newfound popularity.






Lana Del Rey Was Miley Cyrus As A Teenager




Lana Del Rey and her publicity reps have been desperately trying to extinguish the flames started by the Internet after her panned SNL performance. Some of the actions made by LDR and her PR haven't really helped her social standing among the blogs that shredded her indie cred. LDR believes it's because people want to see her lose control. LDR made the statement recently followed by the singer mentioning her teenage problems with alcohol.

That's the only reason they're watching. They just want to see what happens. When I was very young I was sort of floored by the fact that my mother and my father and everyone I knew was going to die one day, and myself too. I had a sort of a philosophical crisis. I couldn't believe that we were mortal. For some reason that knowledge sort of overshadowed my experience. I was unhappy for some time. I got into a lot of trouble. I used to drink a lot. That was a hard time in my life.

So Lana's adding some new information to her Lizzy Grant backstory. It appears that she was another Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton or Miley Cyrus in her younger years. Probably not the best thing to mention when trying to win back fans. Also, her reasoning behind her "alcohol problems" is stupid. I hate when people try to add philosophical meaning behind their abuse problems. She did it because she couldn't believe we're mortal? Please. She did it because she wanted to get her drink on like most teenagers. What other trouble did Del Rey get into? Most likely it's been portrayed on Gossip Girl at some point.

Del Rey says that she doesn't plan on performing for crowds larger than 900 people at this time. I'm just wondering if this is nerves more than anything. Her PR will probably spin it as she's not stardom crazy, but whoever's running that Facebook page has done an extraordinary job. Over 477K likes?! I'm barely breaking 170 with my Earbuddy Facebook Page. That was my excuse for a cheap plug.

In other Del Rey news, Bradley Soileau, the New York male model used as LDR's co-star in her "Born 2 Die" video, came under some questioning in the midst of the SNL controversy. People wanted to know if he was sprouting wood during the "Born 2 Die" video while embracing a topless Del Rey.

Embracing her [Del Rey] was easy. Everyone asks the same question, did you have a boner? Ha! No, I didn't. There's a huge crew of people staring at you shouting, moving around, bright lights everywhere. Madness.

Did anyone ask the follow-up, "If the cameras were not around, would you have popped a boner then?" Or was Soileau just speaking aloud casually while no one was really paying attention. I thought most male models are gay anyway, so he would probably not get a boner. And before the male models that read this jump on me for calling them gay, I said "most", not all, you homophobes. Get back to looking pretty in your underwear.

So to sum everything up: Lana Del Rey was Miley Cyrus in her teens, she's playing crowds no larger than 900 people, and she can't give a male model a boner. Doesn't sound like a very good week.



Nick Cannon Threatens With The Hood In Him



Chelsea Handler and Nick Cannon have entered into a feud that could potentially rival ‘Pac and Biggie. Okay, so that's a joke, but Nick Cannon, the actor, radio personality, and guy that married Mariah Carey, was insulted by recent comments Handler made about his wife. Here's what Handler had to say.

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey I'm sure doesn't have a great sense of humor. She's ridiculous. What is her game plan? What kind of person operates like that? She's worse than like Elizabeth Taylor. She's just so ridiculous with her body. You see her one day and she's 50 pounds heavier or light…there's nothing real about her and her Hello Kitty or whatever.
OH NO, SHE DI'INT! Well, turns out that Handler didn't know what she was doing because she awoke the sleeping dragon with Nick Cannon. Cannon took Twitter like any furious celebrity seems to do and responded with the following:

I hear @ChelseaHandler is out there talking shit about my wife again! She's lucky I'm trying to live right now! Jesus my cup runneth over. I think @ChelseaHandler is still bitter that she got blasted on my radio show! It's okay I still love you! When miserable people see happiness they must attack it. You know me, I'm always up for a good joke or wise crack but when people talk about my family the 'Hood' in me wants to come out! I've learned cooler heads prevail. Life is too short to focus on negativity!

Isn't he focusing on negativity by responding at all? Not such a cool head there, Mr. Cannon. I think what should concern Handler the most is that Cannon is threatening her, a woman, with the "Hood" in him. This is the guy from Drumline, so you better be scared. If Chelsea Handler owned a liquor store, she'd really be in trouble. Is Nick Cannon threatening her with a drive-by? How does this guy do a family friendly program like America's Got Talent while harnessing such a darkness?





Miley Enjoys Some Cake

Miley Cyrus was spotted enjoying some cock, er cake, while celebrating her boyfriend Liam's birthday at Club Icon in downtown LA. The 19-year-old singer was also spotted drinking alcohol and partying all night. Thankfully, TMZ was there and we have such wonderful pictures. Check out Miley taking a few (illegal?) drinks below.





AND NOW THE MAIN EVENT! Miley eating some penis cake.



Save some for the rest of us, Miley!



My random musings while looking at the pictures:

I wonder if she blew the candles first.

Anyone know if she swallowed the cream filling?

Is Liam the cuckold?

The icing flavor is probably vinegar and onions.

Billy Cyrus reportedly saw the pictures and said, "You look so much like your mother." Bret Michaels also said the same thing.

If that were an Asian cake, she could fit the whole thing in her mouth.

Miley's on the same diet as Lindsay Lohan.

Should we spell it Bu-cake-e now?


Anyone else got comments? Let's hear them!




Katherine McPhee Tries A New Deodorant



So some guy licked Katherine McPhee's armpit for some reason. Not really sure why. Some sites are reporting it as McPhee's campaign against malaria. Or maybe it's McPhee's new form of deodorant. I'm not sure. What I do know is that some fetish site got their first "celeb" pic that they can archive.





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And that does it for this week. If you want to chat about the stories I covered here, follow me on Twitter @earbuddy or leave me some comments below. Let me know where this column falls under the 3R's – meaning for you to rate it as Right, wRong, or Ridiculous. I promise to change nothing. Also, be sure to read my other indie-music oriented column Major Bands, Minor Labels on 411mania. And especially don't forget to check out the great writing at my music site Earbuddy, outside of 411mania for greatindie music reviews. Thank you for reading the Music 3R's.