The 8 Ball 02.13.12: The 24 Worst Cover Songs Of All Time (#24-#17)

Posted by Wyatt E. on 02.13.2012

From Kanye West's "Stronger" being done by 30 Seconds to Mars and The Cure tackling Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" to Leonard Nimoy singing Johnny Cash's "I Walk the Line" and more, 411's Wyatt E. starts his look at the top 24 worst cover songs of all-time!

Whattado, everybody!

I'd like to make a quick shout-out to AJ Grey, who helped inspired this column!

I'd also like to make a shout-out to Adele, because I daresay I would greatly enjoy accompanying her in an afternoon delight.

The 8 Ball

This Week's Topic: The 24 Worst Cover Songs Of All Time.

A few days ago, AJ Grey posted some photos in the news section about one Ms. Sabrina Sabrok, and I struggled to ask myself: who on earth is this weird alien lady with the golden bozos? A quick check was in order because hey, I'm already screwed if anyone checks my search history anyway. I come to find out that Ms. Sabrok fronts a "cyberpunk" band, and to put it mildly, it's pretty obvious that they're coasting on her (very expensive) sex appeal, because they aren't all that great. And then I find this.



If Billy Idol hasn't killed himself by now, he's probably so depressingly drunk he can't even find his cock.

Look, covers as a concept are okay with me. Sometimes you can radically change the dynamic of the original, sometimes it just fits your persona as a musician better, sometimes you're Prince and you'll cover Joan Osbourne's "One Of Us" if you damn well feel like it (I'm not kidding; that happened).

But there's an abundance of covers that need never see the light of day: Cheap commercialization, awkward transitions, and sometimes just a general mucking up of the original arrangement. Now, I'm not going to include intentionally terrible versions of songs, because after all, look at the Residents, who've basically been trolling us for years and use covers as just one more way. Devo did the same thing, come to think of it. Nor am I going to include covers just done for a cheap laugh, even if they're really really dumb (thanks to my friend that's like really into Hanson for that).

No, I'm talking about the covers that genuinely, honestly, seemed like a good idea at the time, but in practice became an unholy combination of a great arrangement and a wrongheaded, ham-fisted douchenozzle who obviously has no one on their team of publicists who have the balls to tell said artist "dude, people are gonna think you're an idiot." You know those covers that sound so much like the original that it renders the exercise pointless, like that cover of "Drift Away" by Uncle Kracker or that cover of "Boys Of Summer" by the Ataris? It was a tough call, but I decided to not emphasize those too much, because those are just a waste of time, not totally misguided abominations.

Now, I'd like to throw in an additional note - nay, a disclaimer! - for you fine, upstanding citizens. There may be a cover on this list that isn't addressed, one that brings up the bile from the back of your throat that you feel needs addressing in my list, because obviously, mine is THE ONE AND ONLY OFFICIAL LIST ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but it's not; no more than yours, or the list in the latest Guitar Player Circle Jerk Magazine. Like most 8 Balls since I took over, this is what it always is - a self-indulgent mess of my own bumpy hayride through pop culture.

Enjoy?

Honorable Mentions:

"I've Got You Babe" - UB40 & Chrissie Hynde (originally by Sonny & Cher).


God, this is stupid.

"Meet The Flintstones" - The BC-52s (originally written by Hoyt Curtain).


It's only fitting that this dumb movie has a dumb soundtrack. Man, the B-52s fell pretty hard after "Love Shack."

"Dirty Old Town" - Whoever these guys are (originally by the Pogues).


We should've been nicer to Kevin Federline.


24. "Heroin" - Billy Idol (originally by the Velvet Underground).

Ooh! I love when I get to talk about this. Quite a story behind this one: Faced with a dwindling career, Billy was looking around for inspiration after the lukewarm Charmed Life, which admittedly did spawn a pretty good single with "Cradle Of Love." Alas, during the promotion of that album, Billy got into a motorcycle accident and had to spend months in a wheelchair. Tough luck, especially since that album was his first without his songwriting buddy Steve Stevens (who co-wrote all his biggest hits), and he had a lot to prove at this point. While recuperating, however, Billy started reading into cyberpunk novels, and became obsessed with the idea of a computerized future. Once Billy was healed up, he quickly bought an Apple computer (in the early 1990s, mind you) and began work on Cyberpunk, a concept album featuring a dystopian future. It was his first - and last - attempt at such an album.



Cyberpunk is... not good. It's a fascinating case study since in many ways it was ahead of its time, like being the first album to have multimedia bonus content (a floppy disk!) and the first album to be promoted through the internet (in 1993!!!). Unfortunately, he decided to get into techno. Not lavish, expertly produced techno like Orbital. I mean, picture Snap (remember them?) with an illusion of grandeur. Let that roll around in your head for a minute. Then go check out his cover of "Heroin," topped with generic guitar riffs, an inexplicable insert from a Patti Smith song ("Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine") and generally, just a lot of generic dance music sounds meshing awkwardly with Billy Idol, the quintessential 1980s bad boy rocker. Is it the worst cover ever like some critics have called it? Maybe not. But it's one of the biggest trainwrecks of the early 1990s, and instead of reinventing Billy for a new generation, his magnum opus fell off the charts like a ball and chain was attached to it.



23. "I Walk The Line" - Leonard Nimoy.

You knew this was coming. Let's just get it out of the way early. I know, I know, most people when they point to Leonard Nimoy's and William Shatner's singing careers, they go straight for Nimoy's "Ballad Of Bilbo Baggins" or Shatner's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds." But I just can't hate those songs. They're so undeniably campy that they're strangely entertaining, no matter how hammy and dumb the whole idea was. Besides, Shatner's penchant for ACTING~! out his lyrics never really gets old, does it?



And then there's Leonard's voice, flatter than Calista Flockhart planking. Even he lends himself to a certain novelty value. But there's no excusing this song. It's ghastly. Good ol' Spock has quite the commanding voice, but this is like oil and water, and he can't do justice to Johnny Cash whatsoever. Let's just move on.



22. Pretty much anything from the Sgt. Pepper movie (originally by the Beatles).

For the life of me, I could not imagine why so many people were excited for the movie Across The Universe. I mean, sure, the music was surprisingly good, if obviously pitch-corrected in the vocals, and the movie was pretty and all that. But doesn't anyone remember the first time someone made a musical out of Beatles songs? You do? Do you remember what a delightfully bad mess it was? I'll match this with any bad musical you've ever seen. This is why ATU made me tentative.



See, we're deep in the disco era, right? And- HEY. SIT DOWN. I'm not doing this alone. Thank you. So, we're in the disco era, and the Beatles have been broken up for the better part of a decade, with all four establishing solo careers and the rest of the world missing the real Beatles like crazy. The solution, obviously, is to celebrate their music through a musical. Said musical got a huge amount of gloss and much of the sounds of the day, which is rarely, if ever, a good idea. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band turns into an actual band featuring the Beegees and Peter Frampton, they bring in George Burns to be a narrator for some reason, and they try to assemble a bunch of Beatles songs into a storyline (instead of doing what ATU did and putting the storyline first).

The result? One of the most ridiculous musicals ever made, with Beatles covers so mismatched and nonsensical that it nearly killed the careers of many people involved (aside from Steve Martin, who was possibly the hottest comedian of the 1970s and wouldn't even be slowed down by a spoken-word version of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer").



21. "Taxman" - Rockwell (originally by The Beatles).

You don't know Rockwell? Oh, dude, come on. Rockwell was that guy who was..... um..... that guy who was..... You know! He did the..... thing, with the................. OH. He was the guy making the rambly verses on that song "Somebody's Watching Me," with Michael Jackson singing the chorus. Duh, like, who doesn't know that? Pssh!



Okay, so "Somebody's Watching Me" was a big hit, released in 1984 (boy, speaking of paranoia), and it was just what Rockwell, a.k.a. Kennedy Gordy, was looking for: something to make his name aside from being the song of Motown Records founder, Berry Gordy. It also had all the trappings of novelty, and most people just took it as another hit for Michael rather than the emergence of a new artist, which is understandable - remember, there was once a time where Michael was an unstoppable commercial presence. Rockwell's career sank after the hype died down from that single, and it's not hard to see why by listening to this Beatles cover. His undistinguished vocals combine with a tepid, 1980s pop arrangement to make a pale imitation of the original. This seems like the kind of thing Devo would do intentionally just to troll classic rock fans. Unfortunately, Kennedy Gordy is straight-faced here. Strange but true fact: Rockwell's half-brother is Redfoo from LMFAO. Now there's a weird collaboration waiting to happen.



20. "Soul Power" - The Smashing Pumpkins (originally by James Brown).

I love James Brown. By 1971, when the original "Soul Power" was released, the man was a national treasure, who had redefined R&B music into something tighter, more expansive, and catchy as hell - put simply, he singlehandedly made funk a household name. He's had tons of classics: "Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine," "It's A Man's Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)" (I knew that I would, nuh), "Cold Sweat," "Please Please Please," "Get Up, Get Into It & Get Involved," "Super Bad," "Funky Drummer" (one of the most sampled songs ever), "Say It Loud - I'm Black & I'm Proud," "Try Me" and "I Got The Feeling." He also ended a lot of sentences with a grunt. God, it was great. Surely James' legacy would do well with a modern day cover song. Oh. Wait. I got just the band to do it.

The Smashing Pumpkins.



I so wish this was a joke. "Soul Power," one of James' great anthems, reduced to a Billy Corgan ego trip. (And he's usually pretty good at ego trips. Am I the only one who thinks Adore is criminally underrated?) I really have no clue what prompted this, and honestly, I should've saved the "oil and water" comparison for this one. Listen to Billy Corgan wasting some perfectly good distortion and tunelessly blurting out James' lyrics, with a smug delivery that just makes you want to reach through the speakers and smack the bastard. I think the late 1990s Pumpkins material deserves a lot more credit than it gets, don't get me wrong, but damn, what a misfire this was.



19. "Stronger" - 30 Seconds To Mars (originally by Kanye West).

I also love 30STM, and no, I haven't lost my mind. If you like your rock theatrical and over-the-top with a good dose of angsting and such, well, 30 are a hell of a go-to band for that. Every word out of Jared Leto's mouth means some serious, heart-wrenching shit to Jared, and you know this, because he'll take the first opportunity toWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHSCREAMATTHETOPOFHISLUUUUUUUUNGS. But alas, Jared is one of those Hollywood types who, in proving his credibility, tends to fall flat on his face like he was Greg "The Hammer" Valentine or something.



I've heard 30STM cover Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance," and they actually nailed it by making it a power ballad. Taking a similar approach, they tackle a Kanye West song, and by "tackle" I mean "take a big, steaming, frothy piss on." Put into a slower, rock-based context, you can almost feel this song completely fall apart, made even worse by Jared taking this 100% seriously. Surely there must be some kind of award for that. Kanye, of course, being almost lovably insane, must be awfully cool with them wrecking his song because he also collaborates with them on the song "Hurricane."



18. "Purple Haze" - The Cure (originally by Jimi Hendrix).

The Cure. Eh. Look, they're all right and all, but as far as early 80s rock music is concerned, I don't get their appeal. They aren't really eccentric enough to jump out at me that much, nor do I find them the most engaging song-wise. Sorry, guys; I know you all love them to bits. I say all this as a prelude to what I'm about to say: I still expected better than this. This..... is unfortunate.



Whoever it was in the Cure camp that had the idea to update a Jimi Hendrix song obviously took a little bit too much cold medicine that night. They gave the song an early 90s pop beat, distorted the vocals into an echoed, poorly mixed mess, added the riff arbitrarily in the middle of the song (subsequently burying it in the mix as well), and generally just frigged it all up. Covering any legendary rock song, much less one by Jimi Hendrix, is tough, and requires the spirit of the original while still adding your own personal stamp on it. This does neither, and Robert Smith's bleating is no kind of substitute for Jimi's natural snarl.



17. "Relax" - Powerman 5000 (originally by Frankie Goes to Hollywood).

You remember Powerman 5000, right? "When Worlds Collide?" "Nobody's Real?" Yeah, the weird, industrial / punk / nu-metal band, and they'll likely never escape that tag... not that this is necessarily a bad thing since they have, indeed, put out some pretty decent music, but they'll likely never reach huge commercial success like they did in 1999/2000. Last year, right around the time Puddle Of Mudd put out something similar, Powerman 5000 put out a covers album entitled Copies, Clones & Replicants. It veered back and forth between pure cheese and just wretched ideas, with a cover of Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" being the low point. And you haven't heard "ugly" till you've heard Spider One singing Van Halen's "Jump." Such a waste of an admittedly good title: a more apt one would've been "GAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHH."



But PM5K's inept approach at covers shouldn't have been a surprise. After all, it was a decade earlier that the band made a prominent appearance on the Zoolander soundtrack (I love that movie), doing a cover of the infamous "Relax" (i.e. "relax, don't do it, when you wanna come"). Not that "Relax" was all that great a song to begin with, but PM5K flatten the arrangement with a poor excuse for a dance song featuring gratuitous rapping. I thought Spider One was above that sort of thing. The thing is, Spider's chanted vocals suit his band quite well, but against songs by most other bands, he just sounds like a bumbling fool. That's right, a bumbling fool. I busted out a G-rated insult for this one.



Clench your buttcheeks, folks. These were downright jovial in comparison to what's to come.



Shameless Plugs

I'm on Twitter? Really?

Oh, and if you're actually gonna go to that trouble, you should prob'ly follow 411mania itself.

CA Bell does the Ten Deep...

...Jeremy Thomas does the Movies/TV 8 Ball...

...and Ryan Byers takes care of Wrestling's 8 Ball.

I'm still amazed this song got airplay in the early 1990s.



Thanks for reading. Well, I'll see you guys later.